Chapter Fifteen
Rian
I woke up to morning light. We’d fallen asleep without closing the curtains or the blinds, but I didn’t mind much.
My face was smooshed against Holden’s stomach for some reason, and his scent made me hum happily. I lifted my head to look at him. He was still asleep, on his back and snoring softly. Smiling, I moved to my side of the bed so I could stretch without disturbing him too much.
Last night had been… everything. The way my brain stayed submissive for a longer time than it ever had before, and how my body felt as if it should’ve kept floating even after I came down from my flight… I hadn’t known it could be like that.
As much as I wanted to stay in bed, I also needed to feed Holden when he woke up, and I wanted to touch base with Brodie. I knew he’d be worried and anxious to know how things had worked out.
I slipped out from under the covers and padded quietly into the living room. I didn’t care about being naked in my own place, but I would have to put on something before whatever food I’d order for him arrived.
I found my phone on the coffee table and grabbed the blanket to sit on because bare-assing the couch didn’t seem like a nice idea. There were no messages from Brodie or the rest of the pack, so I knew he wasn’t too worried.
Morning. Everything is good here.
I don’t know why I chose those words, but that’s what I sent him.
As if he’d been waiting for my message, I got one back within a minute.
Good to know. Did everything go well?
Smiling widely, I replied, Yes. Better than. It was… a lot.
Then I quickly added, In the best of ways.
I’m so damn happy for you, sweetness.
After a few seconds the dots began to bounce so I knew he had something else to say.
What’s between you two is your business. But as the alpha, I need to know how to handle this with the pack. If you could talk to Holden and come to a decision on what to tell them, I’d appreciate it.
I thought for a moment. It made sense. Whatever Brodie said, went. But the thing was, we weren’t in a romantic relationship. Yet. I was starting to hope we would be, eventually.
Okay. Will do. I’ll let you know when we’ll be coming home.
’Home.’ I like that.
Ah. Yeah. I looked around my living room and smiled a bit sadly. I’d taken some of my most important things to Luxton when I’d made the move, but most of my stuff was still here. It wouldn’t all fit in the pack house, nor did I want it there.
This apartment wasn’t home anymore, if it had ever truly been.
“What’s got you so serious?” Holden rumbled from the bedroom doorway.
He was gloriously naked, scratching his hairy chest as he looked at me with a mixture of worry and curiosity.
“Brodie wants to know what to tell the pack about us.” I got up and went to him, because how could I not.
“Oh.” Holden exhaled. “That’s… understandable. What do you think?”
I hugged him, ignoring my body’s reactions to our nudity and his warmth. Then I leaned back and used my cell to navigate to a food delivery app Brodie had always preferred, and handed it to Holden.
“How about you order breakfast while I’ll go brush my teeth and get dressed? Then we can talk?”
He took the phone and frowned slightly. He seemed… worried?
“Hey, it’s not a ‘we need to talk’ situation,” I said gently. “I just wanna feed you breakfast and have it on the balcony maybe.”
He relaxed, then nodded and gave me a small smile. “Okay.”
“Okay. Be right back.” I went into the bathroom and got cleaned up, then put on some sweatpants and a long-sleeved T-shirt. I took a detour to the balcony and turned the heaters on, then went to find Holden.
He’d put on jeans and a henley, and his feet were bare like mine. Something about it was endearing, right until I remembered last night. The way I’d whined as I fucked his feet under the water.
I blushed, and Holden chuckled.
“Wonder what you’re thinking,” he teased, having seen what I was looking at.
I rolled my eyes and went to join him on the couch.
“The app says ten more minutes. I picked a place that was nearby.”
“Oh, nice. Probably the one Brodie uses when he’s staying over.” I blinked. “When he used to stay over.” It was pretty safe to say Brodie wouldn’t be returning to Seattle unless I really needed him for emotional support.
Holden took my hand and squeezed. “All in all, how was last night? How do you feel now?”
I took in a deep breath and exhaled, smiling. “I feel excellent. Last night was… it was rough.” Then I realized I hadn’t gotten in touch with Grant yet. “I need to text Grant, too.”
“Have at it. I’m not going anywhere.” Holden made himself comfortable, stretching out on my couch that was barely big enough for us both.
I messaged Grant, and we figured out what needed to be done and what he would do and what would be my part when I got back into work mode.
“It looks like we raised a lot of money,” I said, when Grant sent me the initial numbers.
“That’s amazing. The boys will be so glad.”
“I might need to go to a similar event in New York City in February. An old friend there is going to do a fundraiser for a couple of rehab places in her state.”
Holden smiled. “I’m so proud of you. It’s an act of love to think of others this way. That’s admirable.”
I blushed. There was still enough blood in my system that it was possible, and I ducked my head as I continued the conversation with Grant. As outgoing as my friend was, he hated to talk on the phone, so we tended to text a lot when we needed to talk.
The doorbell rang, and I got up, walking to the front door while still texting.
“Don’t text and walk, Rian,” Holden snarked.
“I can text and walk in my own apartment. I never text and drive, though,” I told him.
I turned to stick my tongue out at him, then opened the door.
Sandy beamed and handed me a paper bag from the café a couple of blocks away and a large coffee. “Here you go!”
“Thank you, Sandy. I would’ve come get it myself,” I complained gently, like I always did.
It wasn’t her job to bring it up, but she also preferred to move a bit while she worked.
“I know, but I wanted to tell you that we have an appointment for Noah at the Seattle Children’s Hospital next week. There’s some hotshot pediatric oncologist visiting and your friend managed to get us an appointment!”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! Let me know how things go. I know Lauren will also keep me posted, but I’ve advised her that I’m taking care of any expense you might have and if the specialist wants Noah to see someone else even across the country, that is definitely within your reach now.”
The way Sandy’s eyes filled with tears was touching. She would’ve definitely hugged me if I hadn’t been holding the breakfast.
Of course, that was when Holden appeared next to me and emptied my hands with a knowing little smile.
“I’ll take those, thank you very much. Good morning, Sandy!” Then he went back to the couch, and I was squeezed against her ample bosom.
I let her hug me, because she clearly needed it, and I guess I was man enough to admit it felt good. That maybe I believed what Holden had said a while before. Maybe I was a good person, even if I’d made choices that hadn’t always felt like it. Including the one about his brother.
Luckily her phone dinged, and she had to go do her actual duties.
I went to Holden, who had set up on the couch.
“I hope it’s okay to eat here? I can move to the dining table if you—”
“No, it’s okay. In fact, that’s often where I eat, too.” I grinned.
He rolled his eyes and took a sip of his coffee, then made a happy sound that told me he needed the caffeine hit this morning.
I curled up against the armrest and gave him room to eat in peace, even though I wanted to get closer to him already. Something about him made sense to my psyche, and after last night… well, maybe I was latching onto him a bit more than was strictly smart at this point.
“What are you thinking about so hard?” Holden asked, peering at me before taking a bite of a giant breakfast sandwich.
“I don’t know how to describe it,” I admitted quietly. “I feel close to you after last night. I guess I’m wondering if….” I sighed and pulled my knees up to hug them to my chest. I rested my cheek on top of them and looked past Holden at what little I could see of the view from here.
He hummed and washed his mouthful down with more of the fragrant coffee.
“I’m going to make the educated guess that we’re both feeling close to each other, but we don’t have a clue on how to actually live out this combination of kink and whatever romantic interest might be brewing between us.” He smiled and reached to squeeze my ankle. “We’ll figure it out.”
“I just… I think I need to make it incredibly clear that nothing about you is about Hunter,” I blurted out. “I get the similarity, especially sometimes when you laugh, but you’re far removed from my memories of him and….”
Holden’s smile turned even gentler and he put his sandwich down, then turned to me.
“Rian, I don’t think you’re trying to replace my brother, nor am I wanting to be around you only because you’re the only person left I can talk to him about. Sure, part of our shared history with him will make us feel closer to each other than we might otherwise be, but hell, being part of the pack is doing some of that, too.”
I looked at him without lifting my head. “But what if we don’t work? We’re still in the same pack.”
“Ah.” He took his coffee and leaned back in his seat. “I don’t think either of us is going to be petty about it if we do fall out. We’re old enough to know that sometimes, no matter what you do, things don’t work. But I also feel like we’ve both been through enough hardships in our lifetimes that we know how to fight for the good things, don’t you think?”
That was something Brodie often said, too. Even though he was younger than either of us, he’d always told me that at some point people had stopped fighting for the good things as much as they used to. That maybe the way society was these days, the way we got instant gratification from everywhere else, had leaked into how we saw relationships.
I said as much to Holden, and he gave me another thoughtful hum.
“He ain’t wrong there. I mean, it’s not the thing where older generations are blaming divorce rates on that sort of stuff. No, divorce rates are worse because women aren’t so oppressed anymore and can actually leave when they want to. I agree with Brodie about the instant gratification thing. I see it in my job all the time. People make weird ass decisions to cut corners or just to feel good for a brief moment.” He sighed and reached over to wrap his fingers around my ankle again. “There are moments and situations where you want to get to the good stuff first. There always have been and always will be, right? But I think we’re not headed to something that’s good. We’re headed for something incredible, Rian, if we let ourselves feel it.”
His fingers were a warm band around my ankle. I wiggled my toes and smiled.
“I think… I think you’re right. I mean, I’ve watched Brodie and Kye, right? Neither of them was expecting anything like what happened to them, either. Maybe we should trust in the universe a little here?”
Holden chuckled. “That sounds like a good idea, honey.”
“Now, eat your breakfast. I want to go home today. Unless you want to see the city?”
He leaned forward to pick up his sandwich again. “No. I haven’t been here before, but I’d rather get a proper look in the summertime. It feels a bit dreary to be in a city during the gray season.”
I could understand that. At home, everything was still clean and fresh, even if the leaves had fallen and the snow kept coming and going and making things muddy.
“I’ll get us flights while you eat.”
“Sounds good.” He smiled at me while I grabbed my phone.
Four hours later, we were on our way back to our family.
I nstead of having Brodie talk to the pack, we’d decided to talk to them ourselves. Brodie had accepted our decision easily, not that I’d expect anything different from him.
So, we finally sat down on the thirtieth. They’d all had dinner and I’d been playing with Cindy to keep her from getting too inquisitive about the delicious scents coming in from the kitchen.
Once everyone was seated on the couch again, Brodie cleared his throat.
“So guys, Rian and Holden have something to say.”
Carys looked excited, and she squeezed Lina’s hand. The rest of them seemed curious, but I had a feeling everyone knew what this was about.
Holden, who was sitting across from me, raised a brow.
I cleared my throat. “You all know by now that Holden’s twin brother Hunter was my partner some forty years ago. We lost him among the first gay men who died of AIDS back then.”
There was a combined gasp from those who hadn’t known, but I pushed through.
“I looked a bit different then. Went by a different name. Holden didn’t recognize me, but I, of course, recognized him immediately. It’s… weird, seeing Hunter’s eyes, except older, looking at me sometimes.”
Holden got off the couch and rounded the coffee table to come sit next to me. He took my hand and squeezed, but didn’t seem to want to take over, so I continued.
“We’ve talked. There’s a definite spark between us. A romantic one, I mean.”
Carys gasped and I rolled my eyes at her. Her brother nudged her to stay quiet, which I appreciated.
“But we’re not there yet. We’re sliding toward something more than close friendship and, after the Seattle trip, a kink arrangement, and I feel it’s going to be one of those runaway train ones.”
Holden chuckled and squeezed my hand again. “We’re on the same wavelength about that,” he murmured, but everyone could still hear him. “What we’re saying is that this all looks very promising to us. But we’re also a lot older than most of you. So we’re asking for space to become whatever it is we’ll end up being to one another.”
“We just didn’t want you guys to be surprised or confused, let alone too excited”—I leveled a look at Carys, who giggled—“if we appear closer than we’ve been before. We need space for this, but we’re all very close, so….”
Brodie cleared his throat, and everyone snapped to attention in an almost comical way. He was such a great, caring alpha that his natural aura made everyone pay attention.
“We’re going to give Rian and Holden all the space they need.” Then he looked at Holden and me and grinned. “But I got to say, I couldn’t personally be happier about this match.”
Yeah. That asshole. We got piled on by excited, happy pack members, and it wasn’t as if it was a bad thing. Hell, I could tell Holden felt moved, but I also hoped they got it out of their systems for now. This kind of energy was so comforting to have temporarily, but it was even better if toned down a notch. Or a few.
Cindy was confused about all the things going on, and chose to judge us from the top of the cat tree.
“I think we’re staying overnight. That way I can leave her here when I go to work tomorrow,” Holden said when everything calmed down slightly.
“Sounds good. We’ll keep an eye on our girl,” Kye promised.
The small smile Holden tried to hide at Kye calling his cat “ours” made my heart squeeze in my chest.
Yeah, I would fall for this man. Maybe I was already halfway there.