31. What Could Be
31
What Could Be
“You can’t fix crazy, all you can do is document it.”
—Anonymous
Natalie
“Have fun in the garden, Penelope,” I called out as the goat left to ride up on the elevator to her penthouse garden. My aunt waved for her. We’d made it back from the hotel just in time to see Penelope off to the garden.
Alex had bolted the moment we’d arrived home. I’d never seen anyone look so tired. I couldn’t blame him. Being a single dad to a baby and a goat wasn’t easy.
“We are going to have to find a new goat-sitting solution soon,” Dylan commented, coming out of the bedroom, his hair damp from the shower. He looked at his ruined recliner that Penelope claimed during the times she wasn’t up in the garden or sleeping in the bathtub and sighed before heading to the kitchen. To be honest, the goat situation we did have was only working because Dylan’s housekeeper was an amazing woman.
And Dylan paid her a lot.
It wasn’t going to last. We couldn’t keep Penelope in an apartment forever, even if she did love being up in my aunt’s garden. She deserved to have a real life out on a farm with grass and freedom.
This was just a pit stop. A holding pattern.
Just like everything else in our world at the moment. There was a lot of things that were up in the air.
They’d won the game on Sunday, but Dylan was still unsure of his place on the team. Dylan said that the meeting to go over the game on Monday was the best day at work he’s had in months.
Dylan was off the medical roster and officially on the team, but he was still afraid of being traded. The uncertainty of his future with the team ate at him. I could see it in the way he read the playbooks every moment he had a chance, the way he practiced catching and holding a ball when he thought no one was looking.
Another unknown was Ellie. I knew the DNA results for his daughter hadn’t come in yet. Dylan didn’t want to talk about it, but the uncertainty of her future hung like a dark cloud around the edges of our happy sunshine mornings. If she wasn’t his, that meant she belonged to someone else. It meant that someone could take her from us.
And us? As a couple? We hadn’t had that official talk yet. Were we a couple? Seriously dating? I wasn’t sure. I mean, I was sure that I was in love with him, but that didn’t mean that we had any idea of what our future together could hold. What if he got traded? What about school? What if we didn’t have Ellie keeping us together?
So many what-ifs floated up in the air, just waiting to rain down ruin upon us. It made the beautiful morning feel cloudy. We just had to wait to find out when and how bad the rain would be.
Dylan brought me a steaming cup of fresh coffee without being asked. He even added the fancy sugar-free syrup I liked in just the right amount. This guy was a keeper. The warm happy feeling that someone truly knew and cared about me was almost as good as the caffeine kick.
“So, what are our plans today?” I asked as he settled on the couch next to me. “It seems all three of us have the day off.”
Ellie cooed from her playpen. She liked to lay in the pen and stare at the lamp next to the couch. Lamp was her favorite thing other than Dylan.
“Yeah, that baby girl works too hard for her own good,” Dylan agreed, sipping at his own coffee. He looked me over and licked his lips. “I have some ideas of things we could do.”
My cheeks heated. Even though I was spending the night every night, I didn’t have work, and I still wasn’t used to the way he looked at me. It was like he couldn’t get enough of me and my body. Every chance, he had a hand on me, stroking my arm, playing with my hair or just resting on my thigh. I craved his touch, finding ways to sit just a little closer so he could wrap an arm around me or stroke my hand. I had never felt so beautiful or so wanted in my life as I just sat in my sweatpants and bedhead hair with a gorgeous man basically drooling over me. A man that brought me coffee.
“Again?” I teased. “Last night and this morning weren’t enough?”
He leaned over and kissed me, tasting of coffee and desire.
“It’s never enough,” he whispered, his voice low and raspy, sending little shivers down my spine that made me warm instead of cold. He grinned at my blush and leaned back, pleased with his efforts and watching me like I was everything he could ever want.
I sipped on my coffee and tried to think, but it was distracting with him sitting there, in gray sweatpants, a t-shirt that wasn’t tight but didn’t hide his muscles, and lounging like I didn’t know that all I had to do was nod my head and he’d have me naked and moaning in seconds.
“Um...”
He grinned, knowing that he’d sent all the blood in my body away from my brain. I made a face at him. “I just need more coffee.”
He laughed, smiling at me as if he knew how much I enjoyed being flustered by him. I loved the way he made my body react and yet feel so safe and wanted at the same time.
”What if we tried out the fancy new stroller Alex insisted I buy?“ he offered, pointing to the very fancy black and gray stroller sitting by the door.
”You mean the one McKenna convinced him to buy with your credit card?“ I asked. ”I think he was just trying to impress her.“
Dylan nodded. ”It isn’t my thing, but I am always happy to help my friends get laid.“
I smacked his arm.
”I can’t help it if girls like the baby carriage,“ Dylan replied, keeping a straight face. ”I also can’t help it if Alex has strange taste in women.“
”McKenna is awesome,“ I countered, smacking his arm again.
”And I think it’s sweet you stand up for your very strange friends,“ he continued, getting out of my reach knowing that I was going to smack his arm again. Instead, I stuck my tongue out at him making him laugh.
”But, seriously?“ I asked, looking at the stroller. ”I thought you didn’t want to go out in public with her yet.“
Dylan sipped at his coffee, obviously buying time as he decided how he wanted his words to come out.
”If anyone asks, she’s Alex’s niece,“ he said after a moment. ”Since Alex has had multiple babysitting adventures with her, that’s not unbelievable. She could be his niece or even his cousin.“
It looked like he wanted to add something, but changed his mind.
”I’d love to walk around the park with you,“ I said. I pulled up the weather app on my phone. ”It’s supposed to be cool until lunchtime. We could pick up sandwiches on our way back.“
He grinned. ”You always have the best ideas.“
We didn’t bother to change out of our comfy clothes as they were appropriate for a walk outside, even if his gray sweatpants looked way too good on him to be allowed in public. Dylan did pull a baseball cap with the Twister icon low over his head and put on a reflective pair of sunglasses. I teased him about being a secret agent and he hummed the theme songs to both Mission Impossible and James Bond in the elevator.
Ellie loved being in the stroller. She gurgled and cooed, waving her hands at the warm sunshine. There weren’t many people out on this fine Tuesday morning, which suited us both. I didn’t want to have to lie to anyone, but luckily, since I worked the night shift, no one knew who I was. The baseball cap and sunglasses seemed to be working as no one asked for his autograph or tried to take his photo.
We walked the sidewalk to the park, taking our time instead of chasing a goat this time. The trees rustled in the warm sunshine and the fountain gurgled.
”We need a picture,“ Dylan announced, taking a seat on the fountain’s edge and pulling Ellie out. She blinked at the bright sun, but happily stared at the fountain. She seemed to like the noise and I filed that away. I could play it during nap times and...
Would I still be there for nap times in a few days? When the DNA test came back, Dylan could hire a professional nanny. He wouldn’t need me or my strange work hours. My chest tightened. Since we were sleeping together, I hoped and assumed that I’d still see him, but I wouldn’t be the main caretaker for Ellie anymore. I didn’t know if that made me excited or terribly sad. It was a conversation I knew we needed to have, but I didn’t want to have it.
”Natalie, you need to be in the picture,“ Dylan said and I realized I was just standing there, staring at the fountain. I shook myself, sitting next to him on the stone fountain’s side. He pulled out his phone and put it on selfie mode, balancing Ellie on his lap. He took off his sunglasses, setting them on the side of the fountain.
He frowned slightly as he looked at the camera screen, then wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into him. Pulling me into the picture of his life. The smile I gave to the camera was real.
He lowered the phone and grinned at the image. ”We look pretty good.“
I had to agree. The lighting was decent, and all three of us had looked at the camera and smiled. Even Ellie. We looked like a little family.
”Excuse me,“ a woman said, making me look up. I had thought we were alone. ”Can I take a picture for you?“ She motioned to the phone and mimed taking the picture again.
Dylan froze. He still had on his ball cap, but he’d taken the sunglasses off for the photo. The woman was probably in her mid to late thirties. She didn’t have on any football gear, but that didn’t mean that someone in her life didn’t have Dylan’s picture on their wall.
”That’s really nice of you, but--“ I started to say, but the woman cut me off.
”Please? As a mom, I never have any good photos of me and my kids. I’m always the one snapping the photo, so all I have are terrible selfies with my kids. Let me take the picture so you have a good non-selfie one.“
”Sure,“ Dylan said, handing over his phone. He pulled me into him again, smiling for the woman.
She grinned and started snapping photos, even kneeling so that the ”light would be better.“ She made silly cat sounds to make Ellie look at the camera. I began to wonder if she was a professional photographer and this was all some kind of elaborate setup.
”Thank you,“ Dylan said when the woman handed him back his phone.
She beamed at him. “You have such a lovely family,” she gushed. “And thank you for letting me do that.” She turned to me. “Make sure you get some pictures of yourself and don’t always hide behind the camera. It’s easy to do as a mom.”
We thanked her again and she jogged off down the path and away from us.
“Do you think she knew who you are?” I asked when she was out of earshot.
“Nope. She just thought we were a cute family,” Dylan assured me. He showed me the screen of his phone. “These came out really good.”
The screen showed the three of us, all smiling and laughing. The sky was blue, the fountain lovely, but it was the soft way that Dylan held me to him in the photo, the way that Ellie leaned against us both, that had my heart spinning.
We could have been on a commercial for the city. “Bring your family for the perfect family adventure!” My throat tightened.
“Make sure to send me a copy,” I said, wanting to have a piece of this day forever. I wanted this feeling forever. The three of us. A family. A life. Even if it was all just a dream, even if this all ended in a fiery ball of pain in two weeks, I wanted a record. I would treasure that photo until the end of my days.
“I think she’s getting hungry,” Dylan remarked, putting Ellie back in her stroller. We started the short walk back home.
“Ellie, or you?” I asked, noticing that Ellie was not sucking on her hands, or showing any other signs of hunger for that matter.
“Me,” Dylan confessed. “I’ve been thinking of those sandwiches all morning.”
I laughed, my heart feeling light and heavy at the same time. I was so damn happy to be in this moment, I could float. I was floating. But I knew that this was temporary. Things were going to change. They had to change.
And I was afraid they might change in a way I didn’t want.
But I refused to think about that. I refused to consider any future right now that didn’t have a happily ever after with all three of us growing old together. Well, Ellie could leave when she turned eighteen to go become a famous scientist. That was acceptable.
“So, I’ve been thinking,” Dylan said in the elevator. I held my breath when the doors opened and we went into his home.
“Thinking about what?” I asked. The words “So, I’ve been thinking” were rarely good in a relationship as young as ours.
“The apartment next to me is going up for sale next month. What if I bought it and made Ellie a real bedroom?”
“I didn’t know Mr. Chandler was moving,” I replied, focusing on keeping my feet underneath me. Ellie fussed as I took her out of the stroller. She clung to me, her eyes heavy and ready for a nap. To be honest, I was ready for a nap too. I was used to sleeping at this time of day.
“You aren’t the only one with contacts in the building,” Dylan informed me with a teasing smile.
I raised an eyebrow.
“He offered to sell it to me early,” Dylan admitted. “But I haven’t said yes. When he asked, I didn’t think I needed the extra room, but with Ellie...”
I yawned, my jaw cracking.
“It looks like I have two very tired girls,” Dylan said, crossing his arms and looking at the two of us. “I think you both need a nap.”
“It’s fine...” I started to say, but he ushered us both into the bedroom.
“Come lay down and dream with me for a moment,” he said, patting the big bed. He pointed to the wall before closing the curtains and making the room dark. “That’s the other apartment. It only has two rooms, but I think it could work.”
Dylan flopped onto the bed so I could hand him Ellie. He tucked her into the nook of his arm and then motioned to me. I snuggled into both of them, using his bicep as a pillow, my body curving around the already sleeping baby nestled between us like an egg in a nest.
I sighed with contentment, my body relaxing into the bed and into Dylan.
“We’ll put her nursery in the room there,” Dylan explained, pointing to a wall. “We can paint it pink.”
“Pink?” I shook my head. “Teal. Teal is the new pink.”
Dylan paused, thoughtful. “Okay. Teal. But I want to get her a tea set. A real one, not something plastic. I want real tea parties.”
The idea of this big strong man drinking tea out of a teacup with his small daughter was ovary exploding, heart-achingly beautiful. I smiled, my eyes growing heavy.
“I like that. Keep telling me more. I want all the dreams.”
He smiled over at me, rotating onto his hip so that we faced each other in the darkened room. We were in our own world. Our own magical little space where nothing bad ever happened. Where dreams and hopes were real and joy was always an everyday thing. This place, this moment was safe and wonderful.
“We can have so many plans,” he whispered. “You can go to school. I could pay for it so you don’t need the scholarship. We’ll get a nanny. Maybe we’ll get a house. A yard would be nice. Then we could keep Penelope.”
My eyes were so heavy, but I giggled. “She needs a farm, not a yard.”
“Okay, we don’t have to keep Penelope, but she could at least come and visit,” Dylan amended. I liked hearing these dreams. It was soothing to hear him ramble these lovely ideas in a soft voice. But they weren’t real plans. These were sweet nothings. Dreams that would fall apart as soon as we opened the curtains and let in the light.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered, his voice so low I almost didn’t hear him. I assumed he was talking about Ellie, but then he brushed the hair from my forehead.
A delicious, wonderful warmth filled my chest at the simple gesture. At his dreams of us together. I knew they were just dreams, but I loved the idea of them. I loved the way they filled my lungs with hope and my heart with a joy so bright I was sure I was shining in the dark. Sleep pulled heavy on me, leading me into real dreams of what we could become.
I felt Dylan carefully pull his arm out from under my head and make sure that the pillow that replaced it was soft and perfectly placed. I felt him carefully tuck a blanket around me, warm and soft. I was mostly asleep as he picked up Ellie, leaving me to sleep the day away in his bed. My body relaxed, my breathing slow and even as I slipped into a deep sleep.
“I love you,” he whispered, leaning over to kiss my forehead. “I want those dreams. All of them. More of them. And always with you.”
He left me sleeping in the dark, my heart pounding with love.