First to Finish (Pole Position #2)

Chapter 1

Chapter One

Johannes

Four years ago, I was basically the focal point of his whole world. Granted, it was on his racing blog and podcast, where he mostly tore apart my rookie year, but still. There’s no way in hell he doesn’t know what today is.

My phone is full of pleading messages from my friends, begging me to come out and celebrate my birthday; Instagram notifications from fans wishing me a happy birthday; even a message from my agent telling me to still enjoy my day, despite fucking up – his words – in the race today.

I came sixth. Which, whilst not my best performance, is still in the fucking points.

Still better than fourteen of the other best drivers in the world.

Yet, nothing from my stupid boyfriend.

I sigh and lean my head back against the plushest velvet headboard I’ve ever seen. Like a fool, I unlock my phone again, just in case I’ve missed something. But I haven’t. I’m living in a dreamland if I think he’s stepping out of the office to do anything special for me today.

Daddy’s got him on a tight leash as he grooms him to take over stupid Team Hendersohm. Hendersohm was already my biggest rival on the track and now they’re competing for my boyfriend’s time and love, too. It’s a joke.

At a minute past midnight, there’s a knock at the door. When I say knock, it’s actually multiple fists pounding away.

Part of me wants to pretend to be asleep, noise-cancelling headphones in and dead to the world, so I don’t have to get the door and put on a happy face for my friends. But the other part knows them too well to think that if I ignore them, they will go away.

In moments like this it would be so nice to tell my best friend that I’m having relationship troubles and need some time by myself. But my relationship is such a big secret right now that I may as well have signed a flipping NDA.

Falling in love with Jackson Calder wasn’t part of my life plan.

Not when his father is the team principal of my biggest competition.

Not when the man I love can’t bear to be seen in public with me.

Or even in private, if tonight is anything to go by.

It’s not like how it used to be before his dad asked him to give up everything and become a fucking workaholic as team-principal-in-training.

Sometimes, when I swipe back through the pictures in the password-protected folder on my phone, I don’t recognise the couple who went on all those skiing holidays and quiet lake retreats in the first year of our relationship. Those images don’t marry up with how lonely I currently feel.

The banging on my door doesn’t stop, so I pad over to the door in just my boxers, peer through the look-out hole just to be sure it’s the assholes I believe it to be, and crack the door once I confirm it’s them.

Harper glares at me, less than impressed. I’m not sure if it’s because of how long it took me to open the door or the fact that I refused to join them tonight, but the disappointed stare almost makes me want to wilt. Harper’s never made me feel like that before.

‘Okay, so now that your birthday is officially over, would you please come and join us downstairs for steak and a drink?’ he asks wearily.

Behind him, Elijah’s leaning up against the wall looking bored and pissed off. ‘Yeah, please come and fucking eat. We’ve been sitting downstairs in the bar all night waiting for you, and Harper wouldn’t let me have anything but honey-roast peanuts. I’m fucking starving.’

Like that will make me want to celebrate.

Like I was hiding away just to piss him off.

It wasn’t even a big birthday. Twenty-nine.

I just wanted to spend it wallowing in misery.

Alone. Because if I can’t be with him on my birthday, then I don’t want to be with anyone.

God, the self-pity is really starting to take over.

I swear, no one should be so bitter this side of thirty.

‘You’re both idiots. You should have eaten without me.

I don’t feel like getting dressed and going downstairs.

Like I said a few hours ago, I want to get an early night before we fly to Europe tomorrow.

’ First stop, Harper and Elijah’s home race of Silverstone.

Harper’s practically bouncing on his heels at the thought.

He’s just one race away from being reunited with his fiancé.

What a feeling that must be. To know he’s heading home to someone who loves the freaking pants off him. Someone willing to promise him forever.

‘Okay, so what if we order room service? A bucket of beers and some steaks. Then you don’t have to go out and we can all still eat dinner together.’

‘I can feel my resolve slipping and before I know it, Harper’s flashing me his puppy-dog eyes – that don’t normally work on me – and I’m letting the pair into my room. Elijah pounces on the room-service phone as Harper flops down on my bed like it’s his own.’

‘Ash and Cole joined us for a while to see if you’d come, but they had to go to bed to be up early for a meeting.

Nils also declined in favour of some hook-up.

Said you’d told him multiple times you weren’t celebrating.

’ I’m more than glad that it’s only this pair stinking up my room right now and not our full group of friends.

I wave off Harper’s comment as Elijah finishes placing our order then I grab a T-shirt and some tracksuit bottoms from my suitcase so I’m not having dinner in my underwear.

‘Move over,’ I say, slapping Harper’s thigh so he’s not star fishing on my bed. He relents and makes room for me and then for Elijah as he drops down onto the end of the bed.

‘All ordered, and just so you know, I pretended to be you and I name-dropped a lot after they told me the kitchen was already closed for the night.’ He’s grinning like a stupid idiot, but I can’t bring myself to care.

I try not to throw my name around anymore, but when my stomach grumbles loudly I’m glad he’s done it.

‘Great,’ I reply as Harper settles his head against my shoulder, like the affection-hogging guy he is.

‘Has he always hated birthdays?’ Elijah asks my best friend of fifteen years.

‘Nope. Before he got boring, we’d spend them partying the night away.’ Harper nods at me. ‘Didn’t you have a threesome for your twenty-third?’

I shrug. I think it was after winning my first race of the year in that category. It was probably well earned.

Today’s performance wouldn’t have got me so lucky.

‘You two were wild so that doesn’t surprise me.

’ Elijah came into this sport already in a relationship with his childhood sweetheart, whom he then married and had kids with, so he never got to experience the crazy nights of celebrating race wins like we did.

I probably should feel sorry for him, but I wish, like him, I had someone to go home to with all my trophies.

I just ‘hmm’ in response. There were some good times, I can’t deny that. The fact that I’ve now celebrated more birthdays with Harper in my life than without is one of the good things about turning twenty-nine.

Harper and Elijah slip into a conversation about birthday sex – which apparently isn’t on the cards for me tonight – but I can’t switch my brain off.

My thoughts are racing with all the things I’m currently missing out on right now.

The years when everything is meant to be good and easy are slipping away from me because the guy I love keeps me dangling.

Because he keeps me as a secret. How much have I lost? How much time have I wasted?

For the last three years I could have been dating other guys, finding someone willing to show me off or maybe just, you know, hold hands with me in public or acknowledge my existence.

Right now, I could be having shared experiences with my loved-up friends, trading happy stories of our trips away together and plans for the future.

Instead, my life’s become a vault I can’t open to them.

Instead, he’s turned me into someone who lies to the people I love.

It’s exhausting having to be so careful and secretive. It’s draining the life out of me.

I blink and find I’m alone in the bed. It takes me a second to realise that Elijah’s at the door accepting our food, Harper hovering behind him eagerly.

‘Can you at least put down some towels?’ I scold Harper before Elijah can start laying out the plates on my bed sheets. I’d prefer not to be sleeping on sauce and oil stains tonight.

‘Ohhhhh, I haven’t heard you say that in so long! For a second, I almost felt a thrill.’ Harper runs to the bathroom to grab a couple of big fluffy towels, while I swallow uncomfortably. That’s not a memory I want to think about anymore.

‘Sometimes I forget you two have shagged,’ Elijah contributes helpfully as he lays the dishes down on my newly protected bed. ‘So strange how Harper’s slept with both of my friends.’

‘I wish I could forget, too,’ I reply, but there’s no forgetting. Ever. I don’t regret it, though, not when it’s part of why we’re so close today.

‘No one ever forgets this ass, don’t you worry.’ Harper gives his perky little butt a tap, before seating himself in front of the ridiculous amount of food we seem to have. I’m pretty sure Elijah’s ordered every possible side dish on the menu to accompany three hulking pieces of steak.

As I swallow a piece of the tenderest, butteriest steak, it hits me how grateful I am for these two. I wanted to be alone, but now I’m glad I’m not.

‘Thanks guys,’ I say around a piece of tenderstem broccoli. ‘I do appreciate you both coming tonight.’

Harper drops his fork onto his plate with a clatter and throws his arms around me, tugging me close as I try not to choke on my mouthful of steak. ‘We love you, okay? All we want is to celebrate you.’

It’s not the kind of love I was looking for tonight, but as my best friend clutches at the back of my T-shirt, I realise it’s better. I’m lucky that I haven’t pushed them both so far away that they don’t want to be here for me.