Chapter 10
S eated in the living room on a couch next to Smith, across from my parents on the love seat, I take a deep breath and tell myself to be brave.
Seeing my dad when we got here was hard. He’s always been one of the strongest men I know, and I don’t think I expected him to look so … frail. And when I hugged him, it was even more of an eye-opener that he’s struggling.
I should be living here, helping while he doesn’t feel good. Instead, I’m shacking up with my ex, messing up his life by bringing my box full of fuckedupness.
My parents watch me, waiting for me to say what I came here to say. Meanwhile, Smith patiently sits at the end of the couch. I sort of wish he would hold my hand again, but I know my parents wouldn’t understand.
“I know you both have loved Richie since the first time you met him,” I whisper, my voice weak but clear. “I know, in your minds, I was living in California with the love of my life, spending my days in complete bliss, planning the wedding of my dreams. I know you thought that because … well, it’s what I’d led you to believe.” I look down at Storm, who is laying on the floor next to me as I speak.
I’m not sure why I can’t look directly at them; they are my parents, for fuck’s sake. I should be comfortable enough to make eye contact with them while I spill my secrets. Only, because I’m me , that’s not the case.
“What’s the truth, baby?” my mom says, the emotion in her voice palpable. “You can tell us anything. Always.”
I don’t realize I’m rocking slightly until Smith reaches over and puts his hand over mine. I lift my eyes to his, and he nods his head, the corner of his lips turning up, as if he’s telling me it’s okay.
“Three weeks after Richie proposed to me, he hit me for the very first time.” My vision blurs with tears, so I squeeze my eyes shut to stop more from flowing. “He told me he was sorry and promised that it would never happen again. He said he had lost his temper and that he felt terrible, but that he loved me more than anything. He begged for my forgiveness.” My body rocks harder back and forth on the couch, but I can’t stop it, so I don’t try.
“A month after that, I took too long in the grocery store. He accused me of flirting with the cashier, and he smashed my head against the car window. That’s why I have this.” I pause, pointing at the subtle scar above my eyebrow.
Smith’s body radiates with anger next to me, and even though it’s just our hands touching, I can feel his blood pulsating.
“Again, he told me he was so sorry and that he loved me so much. He told me that—” My chest shakes from crying, but I force myself to carry on. “He told me that he couldn’t imagine losing me and that he just loses his mind sometimes.”
“Do you need to take a break, Gem?” Smith whispers.
When I crack my eyes open, I realize he’s closer than he was before and is now sitting directly beside me.
“No,” I say, shaking my head quickly. “I have to—I need to get this out.”
“Okay,” he whispers, squeezing my hand. “I’m right here.”
Finally, I dare to look at my parents. My mother’s mascara is a mess around her eyes, and her lips tremble. My dad looks like he’s going to be sick, but I don’t miss the anger in his eyes.
“From there on out, the abuse just kept happening. I felt like I was on a carousel that wouldn’t stop spinning. I couldn’t get off of it, and I couldn’t make it slow down. I was just … trapped.” The next words are hard to say, and I know my parents are going to feel betrayed—no doubt. “I dropped out of college because he’d convinced me that I didn’t need a degree.”
Speechless. That’s what they are. At least for a few seconds before my dad swallows and forces words out.
“So, when you said that you didn’t want to walk in the graduation ceremony because it would be too crowded, it was because you never really got your degree?”
Shame floods my body, and I have to look away and give him a simple nod because it’s the only thing my body will allow .
Before they can ask anything further about college, I pull my hand from Smith’s and wrap my arms around myself.
“On the last night, before I ran away”—my voice cracks, and my throat burns—“he beat me to the point where I thought I was going to die. But somehow, I gathered my strength and hit him on the head, and I got out of there.” I bury my face in my hands. “I called the police, and they came and arrested him seconds before he made it to my neighbor’s house, where I was hiding.”
I close my eyes, my heart beating in pure fear as I think back to the moment I heard his truck roar to life and knew he was coming for me.
“I came to Maine because I didn’t know where else to go. But the truth is, you both know how rich his family is. And I’m sure he was out of jail before my plane even left the tarmac.”
I lift my eyes to my parents, looking at them through tear-soaked lashes.
“He’s going to come for me. And I’m worried he’s going to come here first.” I’m hysterical now, and even through the tears and snot, I have to get this off my chest because it’s been keeping me up at night.
“I’m scared he’s going to hurt you guys,” I rasp. “And I’d never forgive myself if he did.”
Within seconds, my mother is off the love seat and forcing Smith to move over so that she’s beside me. She pulls my head against her, kissing the top of my hair. “Shh … I promise everything is going to be okay.”
Her chest begins to shake as she cries harder. “I’m so sorry, Gemma. I should have known. You’re my daughter, and I should have known.”
“I didn’t want to tell anyone.” As I say the words, disgrace fills my body. “I was ashamed.”
I should say, I am ashamed.
Maybe this feeling will pass one day. I hope, someday, I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel like the weakest woman on the planet.
I feel Storm’s nose nudge my hand, and I pick my head up and smile sadly at him. A creature I didn’t even know existed before a few days ago, one I didn’t know I needed in my life, is now the only one who truly gets me, it seems.
“It’s okay, boy. I’m all right.”
His brown eyes stare at me, and it’s like he’s saying, That isn’t true .
When I leave Smith’s, once I get my life figured out, I’m going to hate leaving this dog.
My dad breaks the moment, attempting to make his normally stern voice a little softer. “Richie isn’t going to hurt you here, Gemma. If he comes through that door, he’ll be met with a round of bullets. It would be the dumbest thing he’d ever done.” His eyes are dark, and I know he means every word.
As a cop, my father has seen and been forced to do some pretty heavy things. But right now, he isn’t himself. He’s sick, and the last thing he needs to be worried about is protecting me.
“Sir, with all due respect … my house has enough security shit in it and around it to keep a mall safe. I’m high profile enough that anyone who fucked with me would be a complete fool. And I’ll make it my mission to keep your daughter safe.” He stops, holding my dad’s gaze. “I promise you that.”
My dad’s eyes narrow, and it’s obvious he doesn’t like anything Smith has to say. He’s always had some problem with Smith, and I’ve never understood it because, until the day he left me behind, he was always a great friend to me.
“When did the two of you reunite?” Dad mumbles. “And I take it, Gemma is, what, living with you?”
“Yes, sir. She was staying with my sister for a short time, but Saylor had to leave the state for work. After a lot of thought, we all knew that my house would be the safest place for her.”
Dad’s eyes cut to mine, and even after all I’ve told him, I can still see a bit of judgment in them. My dad is a good man, but right now, he’s looking at me like I’m someone else.
“Are you and Smith—”
“No,” I utter before he can get the question out. “His house is very spacious. I have my own bedroom, and we’re just”—I side-eye Smith—“friends. We’re friends.”
My mom releases her hold on me, bringing my attention to her.
“Will, you have so much on your plate right now. You’re still recovering from chemo treatments, and you have a ton more follow-ups to monitor your cancer.”
She looks from him to me. “I don’t think Richie is stupid enough to ever come after you now that the police are involved.” She stops, her eyes staring off. “But I didn’t think he would ever be the monster he is either. Gemma, where would you feel safest? Because this is about you and getting your life back.” Her lips quiver. “Your life that was stolen from you and no one even noticed.”
I know she feels a lot of guilt right now, but I wish she wouldn’t. I hid it well. I hid the pain and the secrets. I got good at telling everyone that my life was great.
Including myself.
“I miss you guys so much, and I want to be here to be helpful with Dad while he’s not feeling well.” I swallow. “But I think Smith’s house is where I should be right now.”
I feel his eyes on me, so I glance at him. Smith left me because he’s not in love with me, I’m sure. So, what is the harm in staying at his house when he’s not interested in me romantically? As long as he doesn’t start playing games, there’s no way he can hurt me again.
I’ll be fine.
Out of all the fucking awkward experiences I’ve had, this moment might be in the top three. And that’s saying a lot because I’ve been through some uncomfortable shit.
I mean, one time, when I was on a morning jog a few years ago, an old man pulled his pants down and told me that the New England Bay Sharks were shit and could suck his dick. And all I’m going to say is, his dick was uncut and wrinkly, and his balls weren’t any better. I still see that shit in my nightmares. Only, in my nightmares, for some reason, sometimes, there are googly eyes involved too.
Gross.
I also had an older woman pull her tits out and ask me to sign her nipple. The nipple was hairy, and that was pretty fucking weird as well .
But, yeah, sitting in a room, alone with the man who told me to stay away from his daughter, that’s awkward as shit. But Lori needed time to talk with her daughter in private, and so here we sit. Just me and Will.
The guy who single-handedly fucked up my and his daughter’s lives royally.
“I take it, you didn’t tell her the truth,” he utters, his hand on Storm, who I’m surprised actually let Gemma out of his sight for the first time since she moved in.
“What gave you that idea?” I lean forward slightly, bending my neck to look up at him.
“Probably the fact that she’s here,” he deadpans. “Or hugged me.”
I inhale, letting the air fill my lungs as I come up with what the fuck I’m supposed to say to that. Clasping my hands together, I shrug. “Didn’t see the point, I guess. No sense in ruining two relationships, right?”
“Doesn’t seem like your relationship is ruined though.” He coughs a few times, and I wonder if it’s from nerves or his cancer. “She’s here with you now, isn’t she?”
“She’ll never trust me again.” I wince, looking down at the wood floor. “Not the way that she did back then anyway.” I swallow. “And she doesn’t look at me the same either.”
“Seems as though she doesn’t look at anyone the same, Sawyer,” he says, a hint of sadness in his voice. “I can’t blame her for that either. She’s been through hell.”
Yeah, and you’re to blame , I want to scream in his face, but I can’t because of too many fucking reasons to count. The biggest two being that his daughter is now scared to death of yelling and that—gee, I don’t know—the dude has fucking cancer.
If he had just stayed out of our relationship and not forced me to leave, she and I might be married by now. Who knows? Maybe we’d even have a kid or two.
Instead, she’s spent the past however many years getting beaten by the man she loved, and I’ve spent it sticking my dick in whoever looked good and was willing every night. Someone who wouldn’t ask to stay the night or have coffee the next day. A woman who was just down to fuck and leave.
When he’s met with silence from me, he sighs. “It’s written all over your face, Sawyer. You think this is all my fault. ”
“No, sir.” I shake my head, never looking him directly in the eye.
“Bullshit, son,” he growls. “You fucking hate me. You think I pushed her into the arms of that monster. I see it in your eyes.”
“It doesn’t matter what I fucking think, does it?” I finally snap, flicking my gaze to him. “We can’t take any of it back. I can’t rewind time—go back to the day we were on this porch and tell you to go fuck your couch when you told me to leave her.” My chest is heaving now, and my heart is pounding. “So, What. The. Fuck. Does it matter? Why do you care what I think?”
Jesus Christ, you moron, shut the fuck up. The man is probably dying of cancer. He could fucking keel over right now, and his last memory would be of you yelling at him in his living room.
My inner thoughts are more logical than my mouth right now, and I remind myself that I am not yelling. I’m only talking, but in an angry tone.
The Will Jones I know would meet those words with a cold, scary stare and likely a threat that would send a chill down my spine. But instead, he just sits on the couch, though his hand lifts from Storm, and he puts it in his lap.
I drag my hand down my face, about to say that I’m sorry, but he stops me before I can. I’m kind of glad, too, because I’m not fucking sorry, and my mother told me it’s bad to lie.
“I just wanted her to chase her own dreams. The entire time we knew you, you took up too much space in every room you walked into. You were always the kid who was good at everything.”
“Then, why’d you make it sound like the NHL would never happen for me?” I snarl. “Why’d you make me feel like I was going to fail?”
“I think I said anything I could think of to just get through to you that you needed to let her go,” he says bluntly. “I knew you were going to make it. Hell, that’s part of the reason why I wanted her to live a life without you in it.”
His hand returns to Storm, making his tail wag a few times as he lies on the love seat beside Will.
“I didn’t want her entire existence to be Smith Sawyer’s wife . You know why? Because she was too special. She was too good. And I was scared that she’d just live in your shadow. Much like she and Saylor had throughout their time living here.”
His expression grows strained. “Now, I see how badly I fucked up. How much I had it wrong. If I hadn’t forced you to leave her, she might not have had to live the nightmare that she has been living.” His voice grows thick and raspy. “I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.”
I look at him, and even though I should still be pissed, I can’t be. Because he knows he fucked up. And now, he’s sick. He could be much sicker than anyone knows because he’s kept it all pretty under wraps. It’s him who has to live with sabotaging his own daughter’s happiness.
I don’t even get a chance to respond or to tell him it’s all right. Because before I do, I hear footsteps creak against the floor.
“How could you?” Gemma’s voice whispers angrily as she stares at her father. “How could you do that to me?”
Will looks panicked, and his face pales even more than it already was. “I’m … I’m sorry. I thought—”
“Will, tell me this isn’t true,” Lori says, covering her mouth. “Explain yourself. I know we just heard that wrong. There’s no way you would …” She stops, her eyebrows pulling together.
“You thought what, Dad?” Gemma blurts out. “That forcing the man I loved to leave me behind, giving me self-esteem and trust issues, was a good idea?” Her eyes gloss over, and she shakes her head at her father. “I can’t believe you, Dad.”
As she heads toward the stairs, he stands. “I really thought I was doing the right thing.” He coughs. “I thought that, one day, you’d thank me.”
She spins around, her hair hitting her face. “Did you still think that when you heard me crying all those nights after he left, Dad? What about when I got so depressed that I didn’t want to eat anything? Did you still believe it then?” With every passing word, she’s less sad and angrier. “What about when I threw myself at the first guy who said he loved me because I was trying to fix what Smith had broken and ended up with a fucking monster?” She points at him. “What about then? Did you still think you’d made the right choice?”
Without his cane, it’s obviously hard for Will to keep his balance, and his legs wobble slightly. The way his mouth opens, it’s clear he has so much to say to his daughter, but she won’t let him.
“Gem,” I say, nodding toward her old man, “I agree that how things went down is messed up. But your dad is not well, and right now, this isn’t what either of you needs.”
I’ve always wanted to tell Will Jones to fuck himself after what he did. And yet, in this moment, I can’t stand seeing the dude getting screamed at. Even if that’s exactly what he deserves.
“You left because he’d told you to?” she whispers through a grimace. “You’re a coward, Smith. That’s what you are.”
“I’m sorry,” I utter because it’s the only thing I can think of to say.
I am a coward. I’m a fucking pussy for letting him push me out of her life. I know that, but she came here tonight and shared shit that she had been keeping inside for a long time. I can’t let this night end this way.
“I don’t care,” she growls, taking a few steps backward toward the stairs. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
“Gem,” I say, standing just as she spins and rushes up the stairs.
Slowly, Will sinks back down onto the love seat with a pained look on his face. Only I don’t think it’s his cancer bringing him agony, but instead his past choices.
“I’ll talk to her.” Lori starts toward the stairs, but I hold my hand out and stop her.
“Can I try?” I throw it out there, unsure how her mom is going to respond.
She looks me up and down curiously for a moment before, finally, she gives me the slightest nod. “Okay.”
I can’t stand the thought of sitting down, so instead, I pace back and forth in my room, throwing a hand into my hair and pulling slightly in frustration.
Every time I have a slightly normal day, something shitty comes out of nowhere, fucking it all up.
I caught enough of Dad and Smith’s conversation to hear my dad admit that he’d pushed Smith out of my life.
This whole time, it wasn’t me or something wrong with who I was that made him leave.
It was my dad. My own father had sabotaged my first true love .
The door creaks open a tiny bit, and I don’t have to even look to know it’s Smith. Gradually, he steps inside my room, but I keep on pacing because, frankly, I can’t stop.
“I’m sorry, Gem,” he whispers, closing the door behind him. “I’m really, really sorry.”
When moments go by and I’ve said nothing, he takes a few soft steps toward me.
“Talk to me, please,” he pleads, keeping his voice gentle yet deliberate. “Yell at me. Call me any name in the book. Anything, Gem. I’ll take it.”
Stopping, I glare at him, throwing a hand up. “Why do you keep doing that shit?” I hiss. “Since I’ve been back, you’ve pretended to be Mr. Nice Guy, and I don’t get it. That isn’t you. You’re usually kind of a fucking asshole, Smith.”
That seems to surprise him.
“You’re right; that is usually me,” he admits. “But that’s not what you need, is it? You don’t need me being the jealous guy or the dude with a short fuse and a cocky attitude.”
He takes another step toward me, crowding my space, and yet I don’t step back.
“I just want to be what you need, but you won’t talk to me, Firefly. You won’t tell me what I can do to help you.”
Softly, his hands cup my cheeks, and he looks down at me. “If I could go back in time and be man enough to tell your dad to fuck himself and that I wasn’t leaving you—ever—I would.” He stops, closing his lips for a second. “But I can’t do that. All I can do is live with my decision and do whatever I can to make it right now.”
“It’ll never be right,” I whisper. “I don’t trust you.”
“You don’t trust anyone,” he bites back. “But I think you’re lying, Gem.” His voice softens, and he brings his face a little closer to mine. “I think you do trust me. And I promise you, I will never ever make you regret it.”
“I do not trust you, Smith,” I growl through my gritted teeth. “You’re delusional for even having a thought in your brain that I do.”
He doesn’t seem convinced, and his minty breath fans my face as he inhales and exhales sharply.
“Then, let me prove to you that you can,” he whispers, still keeping his palms on my cheeks. “Please. ”
“I have no interest in rekindling anything romantic with you,” I lie through my teeth. I’ve missed this man since he left my ass behind, but he doesn’t need to know that. Especially since I’ll never admit it out loud. “So, if that’s what your goal is, find a different charity case. I’m not the one to fuck with.”
“I will never get over you, Gemma Jones,” he says bluntly. “But if all you want from me is a friend, I promise to be the best fucking friend you’ve ever had.”
His words send my heart into a fluttering mess. All these years, I assumed he was over me, even though I still very much loved him.
But I’m not showing my cards, so I roll my eyes like it’s nothing and say, “Wrong. Your sister is the best friend I’ve ever had.”
He seems amused, his lips turning up in a crooked grin as his gray eyes glimmer. “We will see about that. She might be taking second, Firefly.”
He leans down, pressing his lips to my forehead, but I quickly pull back.
“No,” I snarl. “None of that shit. Your sister and I are best friends, and she doesn’t kiss my forehead. That’s … weird. So, don’t do it.”
He holds his hands up in defense. “Fine. Fine.” He sighs. “Will you please come back home with me?”
I stare him down for a second, silently weighing my options and realizing I really don’t have any. I also remember I’m not ready to leave Storm yet.
“Fine,” I huff out. “Not like I have anywhere else to go. Besides, I like my new bed buddy.”
“I can be your bed—” he says, and I slap a hand across his mouth.
“Don’t finish that,” I mutter, keeping my hand on his lips until he rolls his eyes but nods.
When I pull my hand back, he cringes. “It’s okay to be mad at your old man, Gem. But can you just tell him you forgive him and give him a hug?”
Right away, I’m annoyed. I don’t know how anyone could just forgive their dad after they did what mine did to me. And the person who should be equally pissed is practically telling me to get over it. I also know that he’s right. My father is sick. How sick? It’s hard to say because he and my mother have kept things so vague.
“But I don’t forgive him,” I say defensively.
“Then, lie. Just this once, lie to him.” He looks pained, his brows furrowing. “Your dad isn’t doing well, Firefly. This one time, can you just let it go?”
“Lying seems to be your specialty, huh?” I coo. “Also, the fact that you did forgive him tells me everything I’ve ever needed to know when it comes to us.”
Grabbing my hand, he gently holds it. “I have never and will never forgive your father for ruining my life.” His words are cold and harsh, and his eyes grow darker. “But he’s not my dad. He’s yours. So, I won’t have to deal with the guilt if he dies. But you will.”
A pain shoots through my heart at the exact same moment butterflies erupt in my stomach.
Ruining my life , repeats in my mind over and over again because that’s exactly what it felt like Smith did on the day he took off.
“Fine,” I finally whisper, narrowing my eyes and poking a finger into his chest. “But I’m still mad.”
“Me too, Gem,” he utters sorely. “Me too.”
With her legs curled up and her head resting against the seat, Gemma fights the sleep that so badly wants to overtake her. Her eyes flutter shut for a few seconds, only for them to pop back open not long after.
Obviously, everything with her parents took time. Add on the whole thing where Will outed himself unknowingly, and it was a shitstorm for a while there. It’s going to take some time for her to fully trust her dad and me again—if she ever will, that is. But before we left, she hugged him and told him she loved him, and for the first time in my life, I saw that man fall apart a bit.
Then, Gemma insisted we go see my parents across the road before driving home. They were excited to see both of us, though I think they were confused about why I was in town. But I’m pretty sure they were so thrilled Gemma was beside me when I walked in that they didn’t ask many questions. That added another hour of visiting time to our day, so now, here we are, on the road at midnight.
“Rest, Gem,” I mumble into the dark cab of the truck, thankful that practice isn’t too early tomorrow. “We’ve still got almost an hour left of the drive. When we get home, I can wake you up or carry you in. But you’re exhausted. You should sleep.”
“I can’t.” A yawn rips through her body. “The only way I ever fall asleep is with a sleeping pill, and I didn’t bring any with me, so I’m shit out of luck until we get home.” She pauses, looking over at me thoughtfully. “Unless you want to stop at Walgreens?”
“You take a sleeping pill every night?” I can’t hide the concern in my tone. “Since when?”
“Since I got to your sister’s,” she says matter-of-factly. “Don’t sound so surprised, Sawyer. Lots of people take sleeping pills.”
“I don’t know how healthy that is,” I say. “I’m not trying to be annoying about it. And trust me, if half the shit that’s happened to you happened to me, I know damn well sleep would be hard for me to find too.” I know I should stop. I’m pushing this too far, but, fuck, I feel like I’m the only one who can help her right now. “I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you.” I sigh. “And I want more than anything to take your pain away. And I don’t know how. To be honest … I don’t have a clue.”
She’s so quiet, and I’m worried that I pissed her off by pushing. Mostly because, after she found out the truth about why I’d left her, I’m already on thin ice.
Not as thin as the ice her dad’s skating on, but still.
I expect her to say something snarky or rude. I don’t expect what comes from her mouth next.
“Even though I’m still very, very pissed off that I had to find the truth out the way that I did, I can’t deny what you’ve done to help me lately. You’re doing enough for me just by letting me crash with you. And for taking me to see my parents today.” The truck grows silent. “If you hadn’t gone, I don’t think I could have done it. I don’t think I could have finally told them the truth. So, thanks for that. Truly.”
I’m flattered, but I’m just as frustrated because she’s dodging my concerns about her damn sleeping pills. She thinks she’s smooth, like I don’t see right past her trickery .
I see everything when it comes to you, Gemma.
Even the darkness she’s trying so hard to hide from the world.
I glance over at her just long enough for her to peek at me and smile.
As I turn my attention back to the road, she breathes out a tiny laugh. “What? At a loss for words, big guy?”
“Well, I expected you to say something downright mean. Not just because I’d said I was worried about you, but also because I’d more than deserve it after everything that happened in the past few hours. I didn’t expect you to hit me with a compliment. Sheesh.” I rub my free hand against my chin. “But just so you know, it was pretty obvious you were trying to get me to change the subject by pumping my ego up. Real smooth, Firefly.”
“Yeah, well, deflecting is a specialty of mine. What can I say?” she says almost in a playful tone before yawning again.
“You’re safe with me, Gem,” I say, daring to reach over and pat her arm. “Plus, Storm’s in the back, so you’ve got some extra protection. So, rest. I’ll wake you when we get home.”
“I’m not scared to sleep,” she answers almost resentfully, and I know it’s a barefaced lie. “And I told you”—another yawn—“I have a hard time falling asleep.”
“I know you’re not scared,” I assure her. “Just close your eyes and think of something good.”
For a few minutes, she still fights it. Almost as if she’s afraid to give in to sleep because she’s afraid of what might happen when she dozes off. Eventually, her fatigue takes over, and she breathes quietly with her cheek pushed against the seat.
I smile sadly, glancing over at her for only a split second.
She’s holding back everything from me. Part of me thinks it’s because she’s scarred for life after all she’s been through. The other part knows it’s because she can’t trust me after what I did to her. And she doesn’t want to risk me getting too close because the last time she did that, look what I did.
Things are different now though. Because now, she knows the truth. So, maybe, just maybe, that’ll change everything.
Maybe she’ll let me back in again and stop keeping me at arm’s length.