For Once In My Life

Chapter 36

The champagne unopened, the sandwiches only half-touched, the guests not quite ready to begin without the bride-to-be’s father’s presence, Kitty couldn’t quite look at Catherine, not wanting to see an I-told-you-so expression. Not that Catherine was that kind of person, but Kitty didn’t want to risk any kind of acknowledgement that she had been hasty in her rush to forgive and forget. Billy wasn’t a bad person, just perennially unreliable – something which Kitty had thought could only hurt her as a child. But as she sat there, one ear out for footsteps on the driveway, one eye on the clock on the mantelpiece, she tried not to show how hurt she was. Kitty felt five years old again, abandoned, forgotten about. She’d let him in and opened her heart. She’d been so willing to start all over again.

Annie kept the conversation going, talking and talking about Ibiza, about everyone she had met there, the cocktails and the clubs, the beaches and the bars. Maureen kept trying to insert herself into the conversation, but for once, she was unable. Annie’s Ibizan zeal was too strong.

Eventually, Kitty stood up. ‘Right, champagne, everyone?’ She went to the kitchen to retrieve the champagne and, returning to the front room, began pouring it into glasses in a slightly angry, perfunctory and distinctly non-celebratory fashion.

‘I’m going to give a speech,’ said Shazza, standing up, her glass in her hand. ‘I just want to say thank you to my best friend in the whole wide world, who I love like a sister, who I love more than my sister! Kitty, you’re the best. I love the way you put everyone’s needs ahead of your own, and how you would prefer to be unhappy just to make others happy. We’ve had such a laugh together over the years, but especially recently… I love you, Kitty.’

Catherine was next. ‘To my wonderful daughter Kitty. You deserve to be happy, loved and appreciated. I don’t know what we’d all do without you. You are so wonderfully dependable.’

Annie insisted on standing up next. ‘I just want to say that I am so proud of my gorgeous niece Kitty… I hope you and Keith are very happy together.’

‘David,’ said Maureen. ‘His name’s David!’ She glared at Annie, who laughed.

‘Sorry! I’m terrible with names,’ said Annie. ‘Barely remember my own most of the time. Apologies, Mary…’

‘Maureen!’ shouted Dave.

‘Catherine, any more of that delicious champagne? I like the real stuff. Prosecco and all the others give me a headache. Could drink this all day long.’ She looked over at Catherine. ‘By the way,’ Annie said. ‘You know that jacket of yours… the posh one…’

‘The Yves Saint Laurent one?’ said Kitty.

‘Whatever it’s called,’ said Annie. ‘Anyway, I left it somewhere… I can’t find it. I’ve searched all over…’ She paused. ‘It needed a clean anyway. Save you the price of the dry cleaning.’

Kitty’s blood began to boil and she clutched her champagne glass so hard, it was in danger of shattering. She knew she shouldn’t take anything out on Annie, but why was she in this situation, pathetically waiting for Billy and being forced to marry Dave?

Kitty tried to collect herself. She was being ridiculous. Anyone would think he’d held a gun to her head and made her say yes when it had been her idea all the while. But it wasn’t fair. There was Annie who just turned up and drank and behaved irresponsibly, and even Shazza had nothing weighing her down. It was so easy for her to come up with plans for her and Kitty to change their lives. She could snog Rory and just have fun, whereas Kitty was being dragged backwards, as though caught in a riptide. She thought of Tom and wondered how he was and what he thought about her being engaged to Dave.

He would just find someone else to go sailing, or walk home… or sleep with.

Later, when Dave had gone to take his mother home and the rest of them were clearing up, Kitty turned to Shazza. ‘So what,’ she asked, feeling a strange and unsettling edge in her voice, as though it didn’t quite belong to her, as though nothing belonged to her, ‘happened with you and Rory?’

‘Oh, I’m not going to see him again,’ Shazza said, airily. ‘I told you, I was going to change. I need to be more sensible, remember? My self-imposed virtual nunnery was going so well…’ She broke off to explain to Catherine and Annie what she meant. ‘I’m still off men,’ she said, ‘for my mental health. And I’ve got to say it works a treat. I was back on the wagon briefly, but I reined myself in and got back into man-rehab ASAP.’ She turned back to Kitty. ‘One of us has to stick to our side of the bargain…’

‘What do you mean?’ Kitty felt suddenly furious. ‘All this is easy for you, Shazza, flitting about, in and out of man-rehab and virtual nunneries when you feel like it. You’re not getting married like I am and I’m not going to be flitting about, in fact, I am doing the grown-up thing. You are always so incredibly critical of me, just because I operate on an entirely different moral compass. It just isn’t fair.’

‘Moral compass?’ repeated Shazza. ‘What on earth do you mean by that?’

‘I mean, that I do the right thing, always have done. I am a loyal friend to you, a loyal partner to Dave, and guess what? You just see me as a pushover, you’re always making me the butt of a punchline, showing me up, but I don’t complain…’

‘Kitty…’ Catherine began, but Kitty held up her hand.

‘And I don’t go on about myself and tell people about where I’m at and if I’m on or off men… the number of people who you have told about Mr Unmentionable! God, he’s the most mentioned unmentionable in the world, ever! Anyone would think you were the only person to be heartbroken!’ She was crying now.

‘Kitty,’ began Annie, ‘look, Shazza is just…’

Kitty flung around. ‘Don’t you start,’ she said, ‘treating my mother like a bank machine and taxi driver and chef… and she lent you her beautiful jacket and you go and lose it! It’s so typical of how little you value her! You don’t deserve Mum.’

Annie stared at her, her eyes wide, hurt, confused.

‘Kitty, what is wrong with you?’ asked Catherine.

‘Why are you being so horrible?’ said Shazza.

‘I think I should go,’ said Annie, gathering up her things. ‘Thank you for a lovely afternoon, Catherine. Bye, Kitty. See you all soon.’

‘I’ll come with you,’ said Shazza, close behind her. ‘Kitty, call me when you feel like talking.’ She gave Catherine a meaningful look. ‘Catherine, thank you for everything…’

When it was just Catherine and Kitty left, Kitty felt utterly dreadful. Why had she turned on the people she loved the most? Why was she being so horrible? She couldn’t sort out any of the emotions which were whirring around in her head. They were moving so fast.

‘I’m going to go home,’ said Kitty, stiffly, wishing she could unburden herself, but she didn’t know what she wanted to say. She couldn’t remember ever being so unhappy. She had work in the morning and she had to somehow be her better self again, except she didn’t know where she had gone and if she’d ever come back.