For Pucking Keeps: A Hockey Romance (The Seattle Vipers Series Book 1)

28. Jaz

TWENTY-EIGHT

“Is he here?” I whisper to Julia as I take tentative steps towards the signing table. I know there is carpet laid out over the ice, but I am used to taking the ice in skates, that required tiptoeing. I smile as I see my sisters in my logo t-shirts stacking my books on one of the tables in preparation for the readers and surprisingly hockey fans as well. I expected a small conference room somewhere in the building with a few readers coming to see me. I didn’t expect this or the long lines outside.

“Not yet. Don’t worry, I’ve been giving Parker Stone a hard time. He will make sure Tor is here.” She rubs my back as we make our way to the table. My nerves are getting to me, my hands are shaking, and my heart is pounding.

“Do you think he read the book?” I ask anxiously. I poured my heart and soul into the apology I wrote at the end of the story. It was a soliloquy of my truth worthy enough to make Shakespeare proud. I wouldn’t be Jazminne Starr if I didn’t do something dramatic and profound. If Tor read my words, then he will know my heart, know my mind, and understand why I left. I put it all on the page. I didn’t care who read it. I want the world to know. I laid my heart on the line in hopes that today he would seek me out.

“I’m sure he has, Jaz. He will be here though. You’ve left the ball in his court,” she reassures me as I flop down in my chair wondering if I’ve done the right thing. I’ve been gone for months. I ran when I should have stayed.

“But what if he doesn’t come? He. . .he may hate me now for leaving. I’d deserve it.” My voice shakes, my eyes sting, and I know tears won’t be far behind. Ha, I thought I was all out of them, but apparently not where Tor’s concerned.

“Look. You did what you thought was best for you. After the night you had and the fallout from the press, Shaun and his shit afterwards, you didn’t want to drag Tor further into your mess. You protected him by leaving, even if you didn’t know it at the time.

I know what she’s saying is true. Shaun had actually slapped me with a libel lawsuit, stating I defamed his name. It took weeks of going back and forth, even though I never mentioned his name in my book. He claimed I lied in my book to make him look bad.

To my utter astonishment it was Mace’s written testimony about their affair that made even the judge give Shaun a serious side eye. With them no longer together, Mace and I finally sat down to have a conversation that was long overdue. We will never be close again, but at least I don’t hate him anymore.

With the hockey season well underway it would have added unnecessary stress Tor didn’t need. I had already done enough, and I know Tor would have bent over backwards to help me, and I didn’t think I deserved his help. After that was done and Shaun’s claim was dropped, I decided to clean up the mess I’d left behind when I moved to Seattle. I sold my house in Texas, finally cutting ties with Shaun completely. I reconnected with my mother and sisters, who supported me during some very dark weeks. I cried, but I genuinely believed I wasn’t worthy of his love after what I did. I wanted to come home, but I was afraid. Afraid of what I would come home to, afraid that Tor wouldn”t want to see me again. I’m not afraid to admit my cowardice. I ran. Tor’s words haunted me, digging deep into my psyche, attaching themselves with barb-like talons.

“How can I trust you? You took something already fragile in nature and set fire to it.”

“I’m not strong, Jaz. You’ve broken me, made me weak. I can’t see any other way around this.”

“Don’t. Don’t you dare tell me you love me like this. Not now, not right now, when I don’t know if I believe you. Fuck!”

They ran on a constant loop in my head, to the point where Julia, my mom, and sisters thought it would be good for me to talk to a therapist. Not all my problems stemmed from Tor and me. They were deep rooted issues that were chipping away slowly at my mental health. I was proficient with coping and adjusting my behavior to protect myself, but I learned my coping mechanisms weren’t healthy. Case in point, moving to Seattle and living under my pen name instead of the name my mother and father gave me. Avoiding facing my fears, and running when it all got to be too much. Oh yeah, the list goes on and on. Anxiety and depression are two very debilitating beasts, and I was learning to slay them day by day. By the time I’d spent two months away, I knew that if I ever wanted to return to Seattle, if I ever wanted to return to Tor, then I needed to fix myself, and that’s what I did.

So, in a way, Julia was right. I didn’t know it at the time, but running was the best thing I could have done for myself and for Tor. Because here I am, vulnerable but strong, ready to face this day with hope to regain the piece of myself I lost.

“Are you ready for this?” Julia asks, pulling me from my thoughts. “I’m so proud of you, Alexis. You’ve been through a lot these past few months, hell, it’s been a year since you moved to Seattle. Despite all of it, look at what you’ve accomplished. Yes, you left, but fate has a way of moving us around this chessboard of life toward our ultimate endgame. As much as we think we are in control of the path we take, I truly believe the universe always has other plans. Your book and the story you wrote.” She points at me. “Your story proves it.” She winks and leans down to hug me. I wrap my arms around her, squeezing tight, taking the strength she so willingly gives.

“Thanks Jules,” I say, wiping a stray tear. I take a steady breath as she pulls away. Rolling my shoulders back, I turn towards my two sisters. Dawn blows me a kiss and Shay gives me a thumbs up, sending me encouragement.

“Alright. I’m ready, send them in.”

“I love you Jaz! I’m so excited to be here. I’ve read all of your books. I didn’t know I like hockey until now, your new book is everything.” The woman stands in front of me, her blonde hair up in a messy ponytail, wire-framed glasses sitting on the tip of her nose, and the biggest smile on her face as she piles my entire backlist in front of me along with For Pucking Keeps on top.

I smile so wide it hurts. I’m so grateful, honored, proud, and so happy to see all these people. I’m on cloud nine. “Thank you so much for reading my books, for supporting me. Thank you for coming out today. What’s your name?” I ask as I pull the first book off the top of the pile, the illustration of the hockey player and the writer, Evan and Raven, smile back at me as I open the book to the first page.

“Margaret!” she shouts excitedly over the music they have pumping through the speakers of the arena.

“It’s nice to meet you, Margaret,” I say as I begin to sign each of her books.

My day goes on just like this for what feels like hours. I greet reader after reader, even a few hockey fans that ask about Tor, offering up his jersey for me to sign. I look around for him, knowing he is supposed to be here signing team merchandise, but when I don’t see him I deflate a little. Maybe, he’s not here. I guess if he’s not, then I will have to go to him. Lucas will let me in the building because I won’t leave until he hears me out.

By the time another hour passes, my fingers are numb, and I am considering buying a stamp with my signature if my events are going to be this large from now on. I mean, I’m not complaining, compression gloves will be my new best friend. It’s a small price to pay for the people who come out and support me.

“Thank you for coming,” I say to the man whose just purchased a copy of For Pucking Keeps. I listen to him regale me with the tale of his favorite Vipers game of the season and how he’s looking forward to the playoffs. I replied so was I, and I can’t wait to cheer on the guys. I am so proud of Tor, I know it wasn’t easy, especially when Bast was out injured, but they pulled through. Even while away I watched every game, forcing Julia or my mother to watch with me. I even FaceTimed Lia when they played away games.

Taking a sip of water, I gave my right hand a little massage as a book slides across the table in front of me. On automatic pilot, I open the first page of For Pucking Keeps and pause at the words of the page.

Supernova,

I don’t know how the book ends. I tried to finish countless times, but I couldn’t turn the page. I didn’t want an ending that didn’t end with you. I want the happily ever after we were destined to achieve together. I don’t care why you left, we have time to talk and make it right. Nothing in the past matters. What we need is right now. I don’t want to spend another day or night without you beside me. I’m sorry for the words I know hurt you. I’m sorry for making you leave me, baby. You were meant for me, just me. You are the other half of my soul, and I’ve been aimless, adrift without you. I’ve yearned for you, my very being calls out to yours. Tell me you don’t feel it, because I felt it the minute I laid eyes on you. You’re mine, Alexis Rhodes, and I’m yours.

Now look up and tell me you love me, because I never stopped, and I never will.

Mr. Bailey.

Tears fall down my cheeks, hitting the page of the well-worn book. I read Tor’s words a second time, hoping I’m not in some strange fever dream and that this is actually happening. Torrance Bailey never ceases to amaze me. His ability to forgive, to look past my shortcomings, because I have a lot, and love me completely, absolutely, is something I never thought I would have or deserve. I’ve missed him so much, I’m almost afraid to look up into those beautiful hazel eyes of his. But the time for fear is over. The time for running is long gone. He’s right, we have all the time in the world to make it right, to talk through everything and build a stronger foundation together. He’s my forever and I am his. I will walk through this life by his side and never stray too far.

I sign my name next to his on the front page of the book and close it. When I look up, I’m met with an overgrown beard that makes him look sexier than before, longer locs fall over his forehead with the rest are gathered in a little man bun. But the ultimate showstopper is his megawatt smile. The smile he gives only me.

“I love you, Torrance Bailey. I love you with all my heart, in this life and the next.”

I’m up and out of my seat and in his arms in an instant. Our bodies collide, the collision of two bright stars coming together. Our kiss a detonation of light so blinding that it will only lead to an explosion, an unravelling of our souls, pulling us apart and knitting us back together, until we are one.

We kiss to the deafening applause of the entire arena, but we don’t let go of each other. The magnetism between us won’t allow it. Because right here, right now, there is only him, it’s just us.

“I love you too, Alexis Rhodes.”