34. Nikki
The twenty-four hoursthat followed were excruciating. I put on my best happy face, drawing on the practice I’d had over the last two and a half months of attending dozens of events at Rome’s side. I made pleasant conversation and made sure that my expression was either neutral or happy, because anything else drew a frown to Rome’s brow.
He held me close all through the night, and barely left my side the next day. He asked me if I was feeling all right so many times I finally had to ask him if he was stuck on repeat. He gave me a flat look and pressed a hard kiss to my forehead in what felt like an act of affectionate defiance.
The biggest surprise happened an hour before our departure from the island, when Roseanne pulled me aside. I was desperate to get out of there, to get away from everyone, to find out if there actually was a baby growing inside me. It made me itchy and impatient, but I did my best to put on a pleasant expression.
She saw right through it. She gave me a little half-smile and squeezed my arm. “I’m so glad we got to spend this time together. And I know a lot of Wil’s worries about working with Rome have been put to rest because of it.”
My shoulders relaxed, and I nodded. I got the sense that Wilbur placed a lot of importance on his wife’s opinion and that I’d passed some test this weekend without realizing it. “I’m glad to hear it,” I told her.
“We’ll be back in the city in the spring, and I’d like you to get in touch.” She pulled out a business card and handed it to me. “The timing might not be…ideal,” she said, only hesitating on the word for a brief moment. I knew she was talking about my maybe-not-so-hypothetical pregnancy, but neither of us acknowledged it. “If you’re interested in working as my stylist, I think we’d be able to come to a suitable arrangement. I’m not sure how much the folks at Blakely are paying you for your consultancy work, but if you’re interested…”
I ran my finger along the edge of the thick card, nodding. “Thank you. I’ll think about it.”
Her smile brightened. “Great! I’ll be in touch. Take care of yourself—and that man of yours.”
My own smile felt a little brittle, but Roseanne didn’t seem to mind. She led me back out to the lobby, and we climbed into the golf carts and headed to the jetty. The trip back up north was uneventful, but I found myself feeling stifled by the luxury. There were so many staff members around, so many people waiting to serve us hand and foot.
I felt like an ungrateful brat, but all I wanted to do was be alone.
“I can have dinner arranged at the house,” Rome said when we were finally in the car driving away from the airport, the weather outside blustery and snowy. “What do you feel like eating?”
I swallowed. “Actually, I was hoping to head back to my own place tonight.”
He froze, then seemed to force himself to relax. “Of course. Whatever you prefer.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you,” I hurried to add. “I just feel a bit… I just need some time on my own for a night.”
Rome studied me for a moment, then let his fingers drift over my cheek. He pulled my chin over and pressed a kiss to my lips before pulling away. “You don’t need to justify it to me,” he said softly. “I’m the selfish one for wanting you to myself.”
Tension drained out of me. I gave him a tremulous smile, more relieved than I expected to find that he wasn’t upset. “Thank you.”
His broad hand swallowed mine as he threaded his fingers between my own. When he brought my hand up to his lips to press a kiss on the back of my palm, I let out one more sigh and let go of most of my stress. This man was so kind and tender and perceptive. Being around him made me dizzy—made me forget how to think through my problems logically.
But I needed to sort through everything that had happened. I needed to find out if I was carrying his child.
He left me with a lingering kiss and watched me enter my building, not leaving until the elevator dinged open and I waved through the lobby doors at him. When I made it up to my place, with most of my stuff still in boxes and the unfamiliar apartment greeting me with a hollow echo, it didn’t feel like home, but at least I could be alone.
I dropped my bag by the door and sank into the couch, leaning back on the seat as I closed my eyes. I stayed like that for a few long breaths, then I got a snack from the kitchen, changed my clothes, and headed right back out the door. I bought a value pack of three pregnancy tests, the weight of the box feeling heavier than it ought to in my purse on the way back to my place. I didn’t waste any time unwrapping the first one and putting it to use.
My heart rattled. I didn’t want a baby. I didn’t want the complication of a child. Not when things were finally looking up, when I felt like my future was bright for the first time in many, many years. I was so close to paying off my loan. I might have an amazing opportunity to work for Roseanne. I had a man who treated me like a queen.
How would he react if…
I stared at the test, blinking rapidly. It didn’t even take the required three minutes for two solid lines to appear in the window. Panting, I ripped open the second test, then the third.
But I couldn’t deny the truth.
I was pregnant with Rome Blakely’s child…
And I had no idea what I was going to do about it.
I slept fitfully.Rome texted me to wish me a good night before he went to bed, but that did nothing to ease my mind. Around three o’clock in the morning, when I’d twisted myself in my sheets for the umpteenth time, I finally decided to get up and fix myself a cup of tea in the hope of getting drowsy.
I curled on my couch, ignoring the unpacked boxes around me, and sipped my steaming chamomile tea while I scrolled mindlessly on my phone. When I flicked to a messaging app, I was surprised to see Penny online. I sent her a message: Can you not sleep either?
Three or four seconds later, she’d read the message and was typing a response: I’m in Paris! Something wrong? Want to chat?
A strange feeling went through me. It wasn’t jealousy, exactly. My friend could go to Europe anytime she chose. But it was a very stark reminder that she’d found her Prince Charming and married him. When she’d been unexpectedly pregnant early in her relationship with Marcus, things had worked out just fine.
I felt the chasm between us crack just a little bit wider, because what were the chances of that happening to me? Rome didn’t even want to talk about dating for real, let alone tying our lives together forever through a child.
So yeah, maybe there was a bit of envy that pinched at my heart. But it was mostly despair.
I shimmied up to a seated position and swiped to answer Penny’s call. “Hey.”
“What time is it there?” she asked. “Three-ish? Why are you up? Is everything okay?”
I bit my lip. I could tell her about the pregnancy, of course. But…then what? She was in France, and she hadn’t mentioned the trip to me before, so it must have been a last-minute thing. I didn’t want to ruin her trip with my own worries.
And there was the other fear lurking at the back of my mind: What if we just weren’t that close? What if our friendship didn’t go as deep as I thought it did? What if I filled a friend-shaped hole in her life, but if I got too difficult, she’d drop me?
Being single and pregnant with a messy relationship and maybe no job was difficult. In the dead of night, with the sounds of the city beyond my window deadened by the snow and the night, I didn’t want to take the risk.
“Everything’s fine,” I said. “Just twisting and turning a lot tonight.”
“Something on your mind?”
“Work,” I lied.
She hummed. “How’s that going?”
“Pretty well, all things considered,” I said, which was the truth. I didn’t say that it was all going to change once I told Rome he was going to be a father, though. I leaned my head against the back of the sofa and curled my knees up toward my chest. “What are you doing in France?”
“Marcus surprised me with a shopping trip, which he apparently planned with Emil and Leif as a surprise to the three of us for Christmas,” she said in a warm voice, naming the husbands of our friends Dani and Layla. I imagined her glancing over at him. “We’re having a coffee and a pastry right now. And get this! We ran into Bonnie at the Chanel flagship store yesterday! What are the chances?”
I let out a strangled laugh, but really I was trying to hide the sound of that gulf between us creaking and groaning as it widened. All of my friends had the means to take surprise trips across the Atlantic to go shopping the week before Christmas. They were part of the world that I’d dipped my toes in by virtue of hanging off of Rome’s arm. That’s where they belonged now.
And I was on the outside.
“That’s crazy,” I finally croaked. “What’s Bonnie doing there?”
“Oh, just a getaway with Arlo and his kid. They’re celebrating their new little family. They’re disgustingly in love,” she said fondly. “It’s amazing.”
My heart twisted. “I’m glad,” I lied. In reality, I didn’t feel glad. I felt like an outsider. Someone who was fun to have around in college, who was okay to invite over for a charcuterie board or a hangout but would never truly be part of the inner circle.
I was, and always would be, a placeholder for people to use while they were waiting for someone better.
“We should catch up when I’m back!” Penny exclaimed. “Although, we’ve been talking about extending our stay, so it might not be until the new year.”
“That sounds great.” My voice was dull, and I pretended to yawn. “I’d better try to sleep. Have fun shopping.”
“Will do. Happy holidays!”
“You too,” I mumbled, and I hung up the phone. Tears began to fall before I could stop them, my hand trembling as I forced myself to pick up my mug of tea. I could barely swallow the gulp of chamomile-scented water because of the lump lodged halfway down my throat, so I gave up and put the mug down. My cheeks were wet.
It was silly and selfish of me to be upset. My friends could take trips without telling me about it. They’d done nothing wrong.
Logically, I knew that. I knew I was being unreasonable.
But it still hurt. I was all alone in my echoing apartment, feeling like a transplant in a building where I didn’t belong, clinging onto a stable life by my fingernails while other people floated by without any apparent effort. I felt invisible and small and lonely, and then felt stupid for feeling those things in the first place. I cried until my face ached, and then fell asleep on the couch, exhausted.