Chapter 2 - Body
Icy wind tears at me, ruffling my thick fur and almost tossing me from the rocky peak. I dig my claws in, reveling in the challenge of standing my ground against the elements. Throwing my head back, I let out a triumphant howl, daring the storm to come for me.
Behind me, the howl is echoed by six adolescent wolves. I hear their paws crunching in the snow before they join me on the outcrop, all of them howling into the sky.
We’re high on the peak of Mt. Sneffels, miles from civilization. Out here, we’re completely wild, utterly free, and forever untamed.
It’s how I like to live my life. Unfettered.
I turn from the cold wind and rush down into the forest, the young wolves right on my tail. I give no quarter as I charge into the thick scrub, forcing them to follow me at top speed. It’s my job to give them the skills and toughness they’ll need to survive out here—alone, if need be.
Over the past few years, as the Silver Meadows pack has joined with Silverton and New Hope, we’ve had a lot of youngsters who need to learn basic skills. The conflicts we encountered along the way made us realize that we have to equip every single wolf with the skills to survive in both worlds—human, and the savage wilderness.
As I lead the six adolescents deeper into the forest, thick scrub blocks out the worst of the wind, and the sounds of the blizzard fade. For the first few days, we traversed the mountain right to the top. Now, I’m teaching them how to survive up here for at least three days before we return to town.
I slow down to a jog, lowering my nose to catch Kelta’s scent. She’s nearby, watching us and ready to assist if needed. The wild wolves form a relay all the way to town, in case anyone gets into trouble.
As I come into a small clearing, I run a circle checking the area, then shift back to human shape as the others follow me in and do the same. All six of them begin to shiver immediately. I fold my arms across my chest and stare at them, keeping my face stern. All of them have to learn to control their body temperature in both shapes, to reach beyond and draw on the strength of the wolf at any time.
“Cold?” I ask, giving all of them a firm glare.
“No,” Caleb says, stubbornly sticking out his chin. I can see his lip trembling just a little, but as he squares up to me, his goosebumps disappear and his breathing settles into a slow, even rhythm.
He’s one tough kid. But why wouldn’t he be, with Rider for a dad?
“Well done, Caleb,” I say. “How are the rest of you doing?”
“I just can’t,” Kristy stammers, her teeth chattering. “I’m so cold, it hurts! Why do we have to do this?”
“Because one day, your survival might depend upon it,” I say sternly. “If you find yourself without the protection of the pack, or the comforts of home, you need to be able to rely on your wolf. We won’t be shifting back until I see some improvement from you.”
The others—three boys and three girls in total—all groan in exasperation. Even Caleb rolls his eyes.
“Guys,” I say in a gentler tone, “Kristy needs your help, not your impatience. No one is superior to anyone else in the pack. This isn’t a competition; it’s a test of your sense of community.”
The other girls, Rae and Chantel, are having a hard enough time keeping warm that they don’t have any energy to spare. The other two boys, Mike and Lester, are doing well, but not as well as Caleb. It’s no surprise to me when Caleb is the one to walk over and help Kristy.
She’s standing stiffly, her whole body fighting against the cold. With her hands clenched into tight fists and arms wrapped around herself, she’s completely shut off from her wild instincts. Caleb takes her hands gently and uncurls her fingers so he can hold on to her. She opens her eyes, and Caleb calmly maintains eye contact.
“Breathe, Kristy,” he says, his voice low and soothing. “Stop fighting. Feel the cold sink into your skin. Embrace it, invite it in.”
“I can’t!” she cries, panic in her voice.
“You can,” he says, tightening his grip on her. “Breathe. Long, slow breaths. Calm yourself. Listen for the sound of your wolf in your heart. She will protect you.”
Kristy trembles, but her eyes don’t leave Caleb’s. She begins to mimic his breathing, taking long, slow breaths. After a few minutes, her goosebumps disappear and her teeth stop chattering.
“Good,” Caleb says, grinning.
“I’m still cold,” she answers, laughing. “But at least I don’t feel like I’m dying.”
Her words give me a moment of pause. At some point in their training, we will have to put the young wolves through some truly gruesome stuff. It’s not something we used to do, but after battling it out with enemy wolves so recently, all the alphas decided it was vital for the youngsters to learn how to survive and defend themselves.
My mind slips back into the past, and I suppress a shudder, trying to keep the bad memories locked in the deep recesses of my mind where they belong.
Very briefly, I’m engulfed by the trauma scarred upon me by the enemy wolves who were under Jethro’s control. Before Kyle rescued me, I was tortured and beaten, then left tied up in the snow so I couldn’t shift. It was a long time ago, but my body still replays the fear and pain.
This is why we teach the young ones. So they’ll be prepared for anything.
“Okay,” I snap myself out of my thoughts, pulling myself together. “We need to find shelter to sleep in. Who can seek out a safe place for us?”
Caleb raises his hand, and I wave him back. “Not you, Caleb. Give one of the others a turn.”
“Okay,” he chuckles. “I won’t help.”
I point at him, shaking my finger and grinning. “You’re just too good at it. No one else will learn if I let you go first every time.”
Caleb makes a zipping motion across his mouth. The others start to look around.
“Should we shift?” Lester asks.
“Use whatever skills you need,” I answer.
Lester immediately shifts and begins to pace around the clearing. The others look around as well, but it’s clear that Lester has purpose and the others have no idea what they’re doing.
Suddenly, Lester yips loudly and shifts back. He points into a deep thicket of close-knit branches.
“In here,” he says. “There’s a little hollow that isn’t frozen, protected from snow by the bushes. If we all curl up in there, then we’ll be warm until morning.”
“Good job,” I say, nodding. “Now, is anyone hungry?”
Everyone murmurs an affirmative. I shake my head and grin.
“So, you’re all ready to go out and hunt, then?” I say. “That’s the only choice up here. We could go after rabbits, or team up to bring down something bigger.”
All of them groan, protesting.
“I can’t hunt in this state,” Rae moans. “My feet are killing me.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty rundown,” Mike agrees. “I don’t think I could hunt like this. I’d more than likely exhaust myself and end up with nothing to show for it.”
“Sleeping would be much easier with a full belly,” Caleb says. “I mean, I’m pretty beat, too, but I’m just saying.”
“This is very important,” I cut in. “Weighing up the decision to hunt is vital. If you expend too much energy and fail, then it’s better to sleep now and hunt in the morning. The only reason to push yourself right now is if food was a necessity—if you’d literally die without it. Is anyone that hungry?”
All the youngsters look at each other and mutter, shaking their heads as they think it over.
“I think sleep is the better option,” Caleb suggests. “We can hunt in the morning.”
“Good choice,” I agree. “Okay, kids. Shift and get into that burrow to curl up.”
One by one, the young wolves shift and then crawl on their bellies into the hollow. I wait until the last one goes and position myself at the entrance so the others will be safe behind me. All of them fall asleep quickly, and I’m left alone with only my thoughts.
It doesn’t surprise me when I spiral down into the memories of my capture and the hellish escape with Kyle. I’ve been close to Bailey my whole life—I was even at his wedding—but that was the first time I literally offered up my life for the alpha.
I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Still, the fear rides in my heart, making my blood run hot. I can’t forget this incident, because I should have died.
The squad had orders to return to Bae and leave me. If Kyle hadn’t come…
My mind shies away from the horrific possibilities from when I was down that path. My own demise, and the painful methods that might have been brought to me, are bad enough to contemplate… but there is one thing that would have been far worse.
If I died, I’d never have gotten a chance to tell her how sorry I am.
A low whine escapes between my teeth, and I curl up tighter, trying to push the pain away. It doesn’t have any effect. My heart feels like it’s being twisted and torn in two.
Making sure the young ones are deeply asleep, I crawl out of the hollow and pace back out to the peak. The fierce wind is slowing down, and the sky is clear above me. I let down my mental barriers, allowing the thoughts of her I always hide to rise up and consume my heart.
Amanda.
With that one word, my mind is full of her. It’s been so many years, but I can still remember every wonderful detail of her—long, dark auburn hair, falling to her waist and shimmering like rubies in deep shadows. Perfect, teal-blue eyes, shimmering like a clear day in spring. And her luscious, full curves that feel like heaven to sink my hands into.
Since I let her go, I haven’t been able to look at another woman. Just the thought of coupling with anyone else makes me go cold. The pain in her eyes at my final words, her tears, the look on her face—
I can’t!
I want to howl. I want to hurl this sorrow into the night. But howling would alert the pack, call them to my aid, or send a message. I could cry into the wind all night, and the message would never reach her.
She’s gone. And there’s no help for me.
I lower my head, closing my eyes as I struggle against the pain inside. I don’t know where she went or what happened to her. All I know is that the main coven of witches left Silver Meadows and didn’t tell anyone where they were going. I searched the wilderness for years and never even caught a hint of her lovely scent.
I have to learn to live with this. If I don’t, my sorrow will slowly eat away at me—and take my will to live.
My young charges give me the strength to fight my melancholy, but they don’t cure it. I stay here on the peaks as much as possible so I don’t have to remember what I’ve done, and that I’ll never know happiness unless I can undo it.
If I could just tell her I’m sorry, maybe then I could learn to live without her in my arms. I can’t go on, knowing she’s out there and she thinks I don’t love her…
Again, a desperate howl rises in my throat. I snap my teeth shut, shaking my head.
My sorrow is my own. I will not share it. This burden is mine to carry, and I will suffer with it alone until the day I can redeem myself in her eyes.
And if I never get the chance… then I deserve to live like this to the end of my days.