Chapter 11 - Amanda
I’m shaken as I walk away from Body. I wrap my arms around myself and hurry over to the tents, shivering and tense. I don’t know if I’m angry, sad, or a terrible combination of both.
Both. Always both.
The freedom of the mountain, with its high, icy peaks and cutting wind, distracted me so much that I actually forgot about my years of pain. When I saw the young wolves coming out of the forest with Body right behind them, the only thing I felt was joy.
The mountain itself seemed to be singing to me, a melody of perfect balance, faith, and love.
It wasn’t until I got close to him again that it all fell apart. I’d slipped into that old feeling, the chemistry between us. The connection that went beyond physical, as if our hearts could beat as one.
Then he had to go and remind me of how many years we’ve been apart, and the reason why.
I get inside the tent and zip it up behind me, curling up with a sleeping bag and trying to hold in my tears. Fighting them does me no good—soon, they’re trickling down my cheeks, warm trails that quickly cool in the chill.
I manage to hold in my sobs, but there’s a good chance the others know I’m crying. Even little wolves have amazingly developed senses. It’s almost impossible to hide your emotions around them even at the best of times.
And this is, most certainly, not the best of times.
I’m not sure how much time passes, but eventually I get up and leave the tent, my misery replaced by nerves. I don’t know how to act around Body anymore. I’ve wanted answers for so long, but now that it looks like I might get them, I’m afraid to hear them.
The others appear to be gone, so I gather a bit of firewood from the nearby bushes and get the fire blazing high. My magic is stronger than it has been for months, and I’m able to bring a nice pile of wood over without any physical labor.
This is what it was like when I first left with the coven. Nothing but us and our magic, free in the wilderness.
I wonder what will happen to our cabins now that we’re gone. We built and maintained them with small acts of magic, and now that there is no one to tend them, they could crumble to dust. The thought makes me incredibly sad.
Especially because it looks like my coven doesn’t want to go back, and maybe they even regret going in the first place.
I hear a chorus of thin howls from above, and I know it’s the young wolves. It sounds like Body is teaching them how to hunt in a pack from the way their voices come from different directions and spiral around the mountaintop.
I set up a couple of saucepans, one for water and the other to cook some hot dogs. The kids might bring something down, but they are amateur hunters so I don’t expect them to be feeding themselves yet.
It’s amazing to see Body doing any of this. It really doesn’t fit the tough guy, jock image that he had going on in high school.
The noises above abruptly change direction and turn towards me. When I look up at the tree line, all four kids are hurtling across the plain with rabbits in their jaws. Body lopes along behind them, his eyes shining with pride and primal fire.
He’s beautiful, in any shape or form.
My heart twists in my chest, threatening to bring my tears back. I harden myself, clenching my fists and holding in a deep breath.
I won’t let this get to me!
The kids shift as they gather around the fire, all of them excitedly holding up their prey.
“We all got one!” Marty cries with enthusiasm. “Body said we’d probably only catch one rabbit between us, but we showed him!”
“Even I’m surprised,” Grace says, holding her dead rabbit in front of her and inspecting it warily. “I’m not even sure what happened to me when I rushed into the thicket. I don’t remember. But… I don’t really want to eat it.”
Body shifts as he enters the circle, grinning with pride. “You’ve all done extremely well,” he says. “The memory loss is normal, and as you get more familiar with shifting back and forth, that won’t be as much of a problem. This is exactly why we run camps like this—because we had lost the link. There were too many pack members that couldn’t fend for themselves in either shape.”
“Do I have to eat it?” Grace asks him, wrinkling her nose.
“Not this time,” Body says. “But we will be skinning them and boning them. You have to get used to doing that. I won’t have you survive on what you hunt until you’re a few years into training.”
“Okay, guys,” I say, handing out blankets. “Gather round and have a rest, then you can go on to the other tasks Body has set up for you.”
The kids gratefully take the blankets, and Body puts on a long overcoat. When I sit down by the fire, I’m surprised when he comes to sit next to me.
“Amanda, I’m sorry,” he says.
“I’m pretty sure you said that already,” I mutter, but he shakes his head.
“No, I mean, I’m sorry for before. Well… and everything else. I don’t know how to explain to you, but I am trying.”
I want to snap at him, tell him to shove his apology and the explanation behind it, but I can’t. A flicker of hope has bloomed in my heart, and it feels like all the pain I’ve suffered might just be worth it—if Body and I can find love again.
I never stopped loving him… but trust? I don’t know if I can ever trust him again.
“How about we talk later,” I suggest. “After the kids are asleep.”
“Sure,” he answers, grinning. “That sounds great. Amanda, I—”
“Don’t get your hopes up!” I cut in. “I want to talk, not dance around in meadows celebrating our newfound love.”
“Damn,” he mutters. “It’s been so long since I wore a daisy crown.”
I giggle in spite of myself. He was always good at dropping the most random, unhinged comments. It was one of the things I loved the most about him.
We spend a few hours with the kids as the night falls around us. I hear the odd howl coming from different directions, and I know the pack is on patrol, not just to protect us, but to hold their lines and look for trouble.
Every minute that passes causes my anxiety to rise another notch. I don’t want to be alone with Body, and there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to hear his explanation.
Or excuses. That might be all he’s got.
My anger made me who I am. It’s been burning in my veins for ten years, and I don’t know who I’ll be without it. I didn’t like being a nobody at high school, the awkward, clumsy geek who read too many books and blurted out weird stuff in front of the whole school.
It’s not my fault that I can hear all of nature speaking to me. Sometimes their voices are more real than any human’s.
After Body dumped me, I became a strong, powerful witch. Everything that made me strange also made me exceptional at my craft and unparalleled in talent.
Body makes me weak. He’s the only thing that can hurt me. But at the same time, he’s the only thing that can save my magic.
When he sits down next to me, I try to stay calm, but I know he can hear my heart hammering in my chest.
So he knows I’m anxious. So what? He doesn’t have to know why.
“Amanda, look at me, please.”
With a sigh, I shift around until I’m facing him. Both of us are wrapped in big jackets with hoods. Even so close to the fire, the mountain wind is brutal.
“I don’t know where to start,” he admits.
“How about at the end? You know, when you dumped me?”
He winces, and I can see the hurt in his eyes.
Well, forgive me if I don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for your pain!
“You just… took me by surprise, that’s all,” he begins. “I was getting ready for a party with the team and the cheerleaders. It’s the kind of thing you wouldn’t have been interested in, anyway. I had offers for college as well. There was just so much going on, I couldn’t think straight. Then you just appear, and you’re like, okay, we’re going to run away together. And I couldn’t deal.”
I stare at him in complete disbelief. “That’s your explanation?”
“I’m trying, okay?” he sputters. “It wasn’t just that, either. It was my parents.”
“Oh,” I say, scowling. “Yeah, I know they were always a problem.”
“That’s why we never made it public!” he exclaims. “You know that. They had big plans for me. I was under constant stress to be the best in the team, first in class. They had these ideas about me being a doctor and a football star—and if not that, then alpha of the pack.”
I laugh despite myself. “But everyone knew it was going to be Bae. What the hell?”
He sighs. “Yes, and they also knew that being his friend did not automatically mean getting into the top circle. They would only be satisfied if I was beta, and if not that, then I had to go to Denver for college. Or maybe even a bigger city.”
He reaches for my hand, but I pull away, still glaring at him.
“So, this was all because you didn’t want your parents to know?” I demand. “What about your jock friends, and the cheerleaders?”
Body looks away, and I know I’ve got him.
“You pathetic weasel!” I almost yell, hushing myself just in time. “You really rejected me and ruined everything we had just because you were embarrassed in front of your jerk-off friends?”
He turns back to me, and his eyes are so dark, they look black in the shadowed dark. His lip twitches, but he doesn’t look away from me.
“Yes, Amanda. I was a coward. I’m sorry.”
“You think sorry will fix this?”
“No, I don’t,” he answers, shaking his head. “But it’s all I’ve got.”
“Well, what happened next?” I ask. “You say you’ve missed me terribly—but did you run off and fuck Taylor Stenson right after you dumped me?”
He shakes his head. “She came on to me at the party. Right after I finished talking to you, all of us left for Jenks’s place. I got pretty drunk. Taylor threw herself at me, but it was all so wrong that I just left the party.”
He sighs, looking away as if he can’t bear to look at my face.
“I went home and yelled at Mom and Dad. I told them they ruined my life. They told me to get out, so I did. I went into the wilderness and let my wolf take me. I was out there for a few months, but to me, there was no time. Only freedom.”
I’m shocked by this, but definitely not ready to forgive him.
“Bae found me,” Body says. “He brought me back to town and gave me work to do. I thought my parents would disown me, but they barged back into my life right away. It was horrific. I’ve tried to stay away from them as much as possible, and the entire relationship has become extremely toxic.”
“I can see that,” I say.
“You don’t know the half of it, but I really don’t need to get into it. The only thing you need to know is that I regretted that moment every single day. I looked for you—I was devastated to hear that you’d gone away. All I wanted was to make it up to you, and I thought I’d never get the chance.”
Body scoots a little closer and reaches for my hands. This time, I let him take them. His touch is thrilling, warming my skin and awakening desires I thought were long lost.
“I was a trusted member of Bae’s circle, often working on dangerous missions and training young wolves,” Body continues. “I thought I could redeem myself and become the kind of man you’d be proud to be with. If I couldn’t apologize and make it up to you, then that seemed to be the next best thing.”
He leans in, his eyes shimmering with deep hints of gold. His hands tighten on mine, and shivers prickle up my spine, running across my skin and stirring my lust even as I try to keep it in check.
“I’m not asking for your forgiveness,” he says, his voice thick with pain. “All I’m asking is a chance. Just one more chance.”
My hands tighten on his, and I lean forward slowly.
This is a bad idea, a very bad idea!
I don’t care.
My lips touch his, softly, gently, but the impact of them hits me with the force of a tidal wave. It feels like an electric current is running across my skin, affecting the beat of my heart and the rhythm of my breath.
Body returns the kiss, his hands tightening on mine as he leans in. I can sense how hesitant he is, that he doesn’t want to trample on my boundaries. I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m not craving his soft, sensitive side right now.
I need the animal.
I tug him closer to me and kiss him harder, searching for his tongue with mine. I wrap my arms around his waist as he lunges towards me, pushing me to the ground. When he crouches above me and looks down with teeth bared, I writhe under him, wrapping my legs around him and forcing him down on top of me.
His lips find mine again, and a little cry of joy escapes me when I feel his hard hands searching through my layers of clothes to find my breasts. When his skin touches mine, I let out a little yelp.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, concerned. “Are my hands cold?”
“The opposite,” I gasp. “They’re warm.”
“Because you keep me warm,” he says, kissing me again.
I grind against him, loving the feeling of being pinned by his hard body against the ground. Wrapping my arms and legs around him, I open my legs further and feel him thrust against me.
“Just like old times,” I whisper against his cheek.
“I don’t remember clothes being in the way,” he points out.
“We never tried getting it on almost at the top of Mt. Sneffels before.”
“True,” he grins, cocking his head. “But I’m up to the challenge.”
Suddenly, the heat in me dies. I reach up and touch his cheek, running my fingers down to his jaw.
I can’t do this. It hurts too much!
“I’m sorry, Body,” I whisper.
“What are you sorry for?” he asks in surprise.
“I have to go. I can’t do this.”
I shove him off me and hurry over to my tent. When I get inside, I zip myself into a sleeping bag and curl up, shivering all over.
I can’t let my lust override my logic. He dumped me for shallow, stupid reasons before. He could easily do it again.