Thursday
Brooklyn
The thought of leaving the house made my chest hurt. I just knew in my gut that I was supposed to be home. That I was safe here. And I didn’t know any other way to explain it to Matt.
I knew he was just trying to help, but if he asked me to leave the house one more time I was going to scream. I was exactly where I needed to be.
“Can we go to the zoo?” Jacob asked.
Not you too.I felt bad enough denying him football practice. “Not today, sweet boy.”
“Can we go see Scarlett?”
This kid and his crush on Scarlett.“Maybe next week.” That’s what Matt had said. It was possible that I’d feel differently next week. Maybe.
“But I miss her.”
I pressed my lips together. “Not today,” I said. “But soon.”
He sighed. “Can Abuelo Tanner come?”
I shook my head.
“What about Mr. Nigel?”
Jacob, please.I pulled him off the kitchen counter. “How about you go play with your trucks?”
“But they’re not as fun without Mr. Nigel. He makes the engines roar.”
“You can make the engines roar.”
“Not the way he can.”
I had no idea what that meant. “Use your imagination.”
His shoulders slumped. He went into the living room and fell face down onto the couch in despair.
Jacob.Where had he learned that move? I had a feeling he’d picked it up from Nigel. I wasn’t trying to torture him. I was just keeping him safe. “We can have cupcakes for dessert after lunch,” I said. “How does that sound?”
“Cuppycakes!” He pushed himself up and then jumped off the couch. He fell to his knees on the carpet and started crawling around making his own engine revving noises. He was fine. We were all fine.
I turned to the stove to start the tomato sauce when there was a knock on the door.
“Abuelo Tanner!” Jacob yelled and ran to the door.
I dropped my spoon and ran toward him. “Jacob, no!”
But he flung the door open before I had a chance to stop him.
“Oh, hi, Uncle James.” He said with a big smile. “Will you play trucks with me?”
So now he knew the word uncle? I’d have to teach him that for Tanner too. Although I did find it cute that he called him abuelo.
James crouched down to get on eye level with him. “That sounds like fun. But I need to talk to your mom first, okay, buddy?”
“Okay.” Jacob ran back to his toys.
James smiled and stood back up.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“You tell me.”
I sighed. “Matt sent you, didn’t he?”
James stepped inside and closed the door behind him. “We’re worried about you.”
I shook my head and walked back over to the stove. “I’m fine,” I said and turned off the burner before I accidentally burned the whole house down.
“I don’t know if that’s true, Brooklyn.” He leaned against the kitchen island. “Matt says you haven’t been leaving the house. You’re pushing him away.”
“I’m not pushing him away. I just want to be here. With him. I’ve told him that a thousand times.”
“But you don’t want to leave the house?”
“What do you want me to say? That I’m scared to leave?”
He nodded. “We can start with that. Why are you scared to leave?”
I folded my arms across my chest. “You know why.”
“No, I don’t. Your father took care of everything. You’re safe.”
Hardly.I just stared at him. “It’s never ending.”
“Penny took Scarlett and Liam to the park this morning. And came back home safely.”
“You have security guards following their every move.”
“Would that make you feel better? Having security? Because I can…”
“No,” I said. “It wouldn’t.” It would remind me of Miller. It would remind me of everything I’d lost. Tears started welling in my eyes. “James, I’ve already talked about all this with Matt. He’s just not listening. I have this innate sense that I need to be here. To be still. For just a while. And I need to trust that feeling.”
“Okay. Well, let’s be still then.” He slid onto one of the stools.
I stared at him. I didn’t know what he wanted from me.
“You spent a lot of your life on the run,” he said. “I bet it’s an adjustment staying still.”
I put my hands on the counter. “I was at the lake house for 15 years, James. I’m used to being still.” I frowned. I remembered right after Jacob was born. I’d had this innate sense that we needed to run. There’d been this doom in my chest. The feeling I had then wasn’t like the feeling I had now though. It was almost the opposite. I just wanted to be calm. And comfortable. And…safe. I shook my head. Why couldn’t I explain it right?
“Maybe that’s the problem then. Living in the city isn’t exactly still.”
“That’s not it. I like it here. I like being close to all of you guys. And Jacob loves it here.” I looked over at him. He’d like it a lot more if I let him out of the house though.
James put his elbows on the counter and leaned a little closer. “After Isabella’s death, I felt so much relief. For years, I’d felt on edge. But once she was really gone, I felt at peace.” His eyes searched mine.
I did feel more at peace now. But still on edge. I couldn’t explain it. And I was so tired of trying to.
“It was hard though,” he said. “Because that feeling of looking over your shoulder doesn’t just go away. I do understand, Brooklyn. Probably better than anyone.”
I knew he understood. He’d been part of the Pruitt family for a short time. He got it. “What did you do? To get over that fear?”
“I leaned on Penny and…”
“I am leaning on Matt. He just doesn’t like the way I’m leaning, I guess.”
“You didn’t let me finish. Yes, I leaned on Penny. But I leaned on all my friends. Would you have let me in today if Jacob hadn’t answered the door?”
“Of course I would have.”
“Really?” He raised his eyebrow at me. And for just a second, he looked 18 again.
I smiled and then sighed. “Honestly, James, I don’t know.”
“We’re all here for you. You know that.”
I blinked fast so my tears wouldn’t start up. “I do know that. But I also know that I don’t know how to talk about this. And Matt thinks I’m crazy. I don’t want him to think that. But I just…I…”
“Want to be still.”
“Yeah.” I smiled. “That.”
He looked over his shoulder at Jacob playing. “It’s hard to stay still with kids though.”
I laughed. “I know.”
James turned back to me. “Sometimes being still is the same as being stuck.”
I pressed my lips together.
“Did you know that my parents are divorced?”
“Matt mentioned that, yeah.”
“It wasn’t until Scarlett was born that I was able to have a real conversation with my father. About the way I grew up. About the way I felt about his absence. My dad was…awful. But I know it doesn’t even begin to compare to how your father has been.”
“Probably not.”
“I forgave my dad. For all of it. I didn’t realize how unhappy he was. How stuck he felt staying with my mother.”
Where was he going with this? “I’m happy with Matt. I don’t feel stuck. In the slightest.”
James laughed. “I’m not talking about you and Matt. I’m talking about Mr. Pruitt. He’s taken steps to make up for his wrongs.”
“He killed his wife. That is not the same as just getting a divorce and owning up to his mistakes.”
“Yeah, not exactly the same. But I think you’ll feel a lot less stuck if you try to forgive him. It might put you at ease. You don’t want to stay still forever, Brooklyn.”
For some reason I wrapped my arm in front of my stomach. I looked down. I wasn’t sure why I’d done that. It was something I did when I was pregnant with Jacob. Because I wanted to keep him safe. I dropped my arm.
“I can stay still for a bit though.”
He nodded. “I wish I could stay still for a bit longer, but I have a class I have to get to.” He stood up, rounded the counter and pulled me into a hug. “For the record, I don’t think Matt cares whether you ever step foot out of the house again. He just wants you to be happy.”
“I know.” I pressed the side of my face against his chest.
“And I’m not trying to pressure you either. I was just here to talk. To let you know that we’re all here whenever you’re ready.”
“Thanks, James.”
***
Talking to James made me feel calmer. He did understand. I think he understood better than I even understood myself.
“Mr. Nigel!” Jacob yelled.
I turned around from the stove to see Nigel walking in through the door he’d installed in the middle of my living room. He had a huge basket in his arms.
I tried to give him a stern look, but I was pretty sure I failed. “Nigel, we talked about this.”
“I did knock,” he said.
Oh, did he?I’d been so lost in thought.
“Besides, I talked to Master Matthew about it. Not you. And I know you don’t mind me coming and going as I please.”
I mind a little.But I didn’t mind how happy Jacob was to see him. The two of them walked into the kitchen.
Nigel put his basket on the counter, and then grabbed Jacob and put him beside it. “Your sous chefs are at your service, mademoiselle.”
“What is all this?” I asked and looked into the basket. It was full of spice bottles.
“Matthew likes his food spicy.”
“I didn’t realize.”
“That’s okay. I’ve got you covered.” He started pulling the spices out of the basket. “All the spices.”
“But I want to play trucks!” Jacob said.
“What was that, Mr. Jacob? I didn’t understand you.”
“Camions!” Jacob said and pointed to his toys.
“Much better. You play. Your mother only needs one professional sous chef on this lovely afternoon.” He put Jacob back down on the floor.
Jacob hurried back into the living room.
“What did Jacob just say?” I asked. “What does camions mean?”
“Trucks. He’s a very fast learner.”
Yeah, I know.With his mix of Spanish from Mrs. Alcaraz and French from Nigel, soon I wasn’t going to understand him at all. “What is this?” I asked and lifted up a small shirt from the bottom of the basket.
“Oh, yes, I almost forgot.” Nigel grabbed the shirt and a pair of athletic shorts from the bottom of the basket and walked over to Jacob.
I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but in under a minute, Nigel had Jacob getting dressed.
What the…
Nigel walked over smiling. “Problem fixed.”
“How… How did you do that?” Jacob always refused to put on clothes for me. Seriously…how?
“Mr. Jacob likes the finer things in life. He just needed a softer fabric. I know all the best fabrics from my time helping with Odegaard.”
“Those are Odegaard children’s clothes?”
“Yes, it was my idea. But Master Tanner started a new line just for Jacob.”
“That wasn’t necessary…”
“Of course it is. Anything for our grandson.”
I laughed. “Jacob isn’t your grandson, Nigel.”
Nigel frowned. “Stop reminding me. I haven’t found one of my own yet.”
I rarely knew what he was talking about. “How much do I owe you for the clothes?”
“Nothing. And more will be arriving soon. I just needed to make sure he liked them first.”
I pulled out my phone. “I need to thank Tanner.”
“It was my idea though,” Nigel said. “I like comfortable clothes too.” He gestured to his lederhosen.
It didn’t look very comfortable to me.
“And you can thank him later. We need to have an important discussion.”
“About what?”
Nigel hoisted himself up onto the counter and I laughed.
He smiled at me. “Like James, I understand you too. I understand you best.”
“Nigel, were you listening to our conversation?”
“Yes, of course. And I know you don’t need a security detail because I’m keeping you safe. Thank you for trusting me.”
That wasn’t why. But it was nice knowing he was looking out for us. It did make me feel better. If I was being honest, I actually really liked it. Even though it infuriated Matt.
“I do appreciate it, Nigel.”
“I know. And I like when you stare into the cameras.”
Well, I definitely didn’t do that. Unless there were cameras somewhere I didn’t know about…
“But I also have had bouts of not wanting to leave the house. For a while, I was scared of the plague. I didn’t leave my house for a year.”
“The plague?”
“Yes. I lost my younger brother. And then I was terrified…” he stopped talking when he looked up at me. He cleared his throat. “I mean I saw a documentary about it. My brother coincidentally died soon after the documentary. And I was terrified. So I stayed home.”
“Nigel, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you had a brother.”
“It was a long time ago.” But you could hear the sadness in his voice.
It wasn’t that long ago. Nigel was young. Definitely younger than I was. “I’m really sorry.” I grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
“It’s actually nice having a little guy around again,” Nigel said and looked over at Jacob. “My brother was about that age when the sickness got him.”
What sickness? I wanted to ask more questions, but I didn’t want to push him. “You’re really good with Jacob. I’m sure you were good with your brother too.”
Nigel nodded. “I’m a natural caregiver. I always have been. It’s a blessing and a curse.”
Okay.
“But I digress. What I mean to say is that I understand you. Once the plague ended…or…people forgot about the scary documentary…I still didn’t leave the house for quite some time. People made fun of me around town. They used to throw rocks and sticks at me.”
Oh my God.What town had he grown up in? And where on earth were his parents during all of this? Someone should have stopped him from watching that documentary. “I’m so sorry, Nigel. That’s awful.”
“Actually people still make fun of me for a lot of things.” He sounded so dejected. “I think no one realizes that I can hear when they call me weird. Or maybe they do. Someone shouted it in my face one time. It was very hurtful. I don’t think people realize how much words can hurt.” He looked down at his lap.
I pressed my lips together. “You know what?”
He looked back up at me.
“People thought I was weird when I first moved to the city.”
“Yeah?”
Maybe not weird exactly. But they definitely thought I was different. I nodded. “I didn’t fit in at all. I didn’t have lots of money like the other students at Empire High, and I was a complete outcast. Barely anyone spoke to me.”
“I can’t imagine you being an outcast, mademoiselle.”
“Trust me, I was. And people used to say mean things to me too.” I pictured Isabella calling me trash and laughing. And Mrs. Pruitt saying those awful things about my mother.
“People can be so cruel.”
They really can be.“I think when someone is different, it scares people. But different isn’t bad.”
“It isn’t?”
“Not at all. There is only one you. So why should you try to be anything other than you? I actually think being weird is a compliment. Who wants to be normal, anyway?”
“I train regularly on being a normal modern day boy, and I hate it.”
I laughed. I had no idea what he was talking about. “Don’t ever change, Nigel. Don’t let the haters win. Screw them.”
He smiled. “Yes. Screw them. Next time someone says something mean about me I’m going to throw my hand grenade at them. I finally found the pin, but I’m ready to take it out again.”
“Well, maybe not that. It’s better to just ignore them.” I pictured Isabella’s cruel smile. “Sometimes people that lash out are actually very unhappy in their own life. They’re just trying to find something else to focus on so they don’t have to look inside themselves and face their own demons. So just smile and keep being you. Ignore them.”
Nigel smiled. “People hate being ignored. I love it!”
I laughed. “And maybe we can call them Wizzys behind their backs.”
“Wizzys?”
“It was a nickname for Isabella. Not many people know it.”
He beamed at me. “Deal. And you can stay home as long as you want,” he said. “I’ll keep you and Mr. Jacob safe, I promise.”
I believed him. I felt tears welling in my eyes. I hated that people were cruel to him. He was one of the kindest people I’d ever met.
“Now, let’s spice up this sauce!” He poured an entire bottle of chili flakes into his hand and hopped off the counter.
He was as bad as Jacob was with sprinkles. And I didn’t know if Matt would like it that spicy…