Chapter 37
Friday
Brooklyn
“Brooklyn.” Kennedy’s voice cracked. “You look so beautiful.”
I had dreamt so much of today. Both recently and 16 years ago right around this time. And here I was. Standing in the same wedding dress I’d picked out all those years ago. I stared at the new deep V of the neckline. Justin had been right. The tulle material made it classy. It also made it very easy to see my old wedding ring and engagement ring. They were dangling from the gold chain Matt had bought me to hold them. I blinked fast, trying my best not to ruin the makeup Justin had expertly put on me.
I felt whole.
I felt broken.
I had no idea how I could feel both at the same time. My fingers dropped to the center of my chest. The gold chain holding my rings clashed with the necklace Matt had given me this morning. I would miss Miller every day for the rest of my life. He would be with me every day. I clasped the rings in my fist.
But I couldn’t think about Miller today. If I did, I was worried I wouldn’t be able to walk down the aisle to Matt. And as much as it killed me, I needed to focus on the present. It’s what Miller wanted. I felt my bottom lip trembling.
“Can you unclasp this chain?” I asked.
Kennedy put her hand on top of my fist. “You don’t have to.”
I took a deep breath. Actually, I did. Matt knew I’d never stop loving Miller. He didn’t need that reminder today though. Today was about us. “Please.”
Kennedy didn’t say anything else. Her hand dropped from mine and she slowly unclasped the chain. She placed the rings and chain in my hand.
I’d put it back on tomorrow. I tucked the rings into a drawer and turned back to Kennedy.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
I nodded. “Could I actually have a minute alone?”
“Of course.” She hugged me tight and then closed my bedroom door behind me.
I opened the drawer I’d just put my ring in and pulled out the letter Miller had written me. I needed to remember his words. Exactly how he’d said them.
Hey Kid,
Fuck. I stopped reading. I couldn’t read the whole letter. My tears were already threatening to fall after that one line. I just needed to find the part about Matt. I scanned down the letter.
I’ll always love you. And I know you loved me too. I know that. Don’t ever doubt that. I knew.
But you have to do what your mom told you. You have to keep living. I’ve given this a lot of thought. And I need you to hear me say this. I know there was someone before me. I know you still think about him sometimes. I just want you to be happy. And safe. And I want the same for Jacob. This isn’t easy for me to say, but I need you to know that I’m okay if you choose him now. Because I never want you to stop smiling.
The tears were streaming down my face now. Justin was going to kill me. But I skipped down to the end of the letter and kept reading anyway.
And when you miss me, just look up at the stars. Because we were always written in them.
Yes, we promised each other forever. But we both know forevers are sometimes cut short. So you need to forget about all those promises. The only thing I want you to do is keep living. Embrace life. Be happy. Be so blissfully happy every day that you have. Don’t waste another second of your time on this earth. Will you promise me that? Do this one last thing for me?
Keep living, kid.
Love always,
-Miller
“I promise,” I whispered out loud through my tears. I let my face fall into my hand as I kept crying. I pictured dancing with Miller in the kitchen. And swimming with him in the lake. And staring up at the stars together in our garden. It was almost like I could feel his arms around me if I closed my eyes tight enough. Like he was right here with me. Snuggling in front of a warm fire. “I promise I’ll keep living, Miller.” I opened my eyes and the image of him beside me vanished.
There was a knock on the door.
I quickly put the letter back in the drawer and closed it.
Justin walked in. “Kennedy said you might need me…” his voice trailed off. “Oh no.”
I waited for him to scold me.
Instead he opened up his arms. “Come here, gorgeous.”
I closed the distance between us and hugged him.
He held me for a minute, rubbing his hand up and down my back. “I actually have someone on the phone for you,” Justin said.
“What?” I pulled back.
He was holding his cell phone in one hand. I’d been too busy crying to notice. He placed it in my hand. “Talk to him while I fix your face. No more crying, deal?”
I nodded. God, Matt always knew when I needed him. “Hey, Matt, I…”
Justin smiled at me as he wiped beneath my eyes with a wet cloth.
And the person on the other end of the line cleared their throat. “Brooklyn,” said Tanner. “I can get Matt if you want but I was hoping I could talk to you first.”
I smiled. I should have known it was him. He was the first person I really opened up to when I came back to New York. And he had a really good habit of showing up exactly when I needed him.
“I just had a feeling you might need to talk before the ceremony.”
“Thank you, Tanner. I was just reading the letter…”
“Miller’s letter?”
I exhaled slowly. “Yeah.”
“Oh, Brooklyn.” He sounded so sympathetic, even through the phone. “Are you okay?”
“I just wanted to read the part about Matt. Miller was giving me his blessing. He wanted me to keep living. And I just needed to remember that. I need to remember that most days,” I said with a sad laugh.
“Of course that’s what Miller wanted. Humans have such a bad habit of wasting time, even though their time on this earth is so fleeting.”
I laughed. He always said stuff like that. As if he wasn’t one of us mere mortals. “Does Matt seem nervous?”
“No,” Tanner said firmly. “He’s wanted you and only you since he was 16 years old.”
His words eased the ache in my chest. “I know.”
Justin started fidgeting with a few strands of my hair even though I was pretty sure I hadn’t messed it up. I’d left it down and Justin had put some loose curls in it. It was the same way I’d worn it back in high school. Only a million times better with Justin’s help.
“Remember what I told you?” Tanner asked. “That you’re one of the…”
“One of the lucky ones,” I said. “Yes. Because I got to experience a great love twice.”
“Exactly. And it’s okay to love both of them equally. I think I may have forgotten to mention that bit before. It’s okay that you loved Matt when you were married to Miller. And it’s okay that you will continue to love Miller when you’re married to Matt. It’s okay, Brooklyn. No one is asking you to forget. No one wants you to erase your past with Miller. Matt loves you exactly the way you are right now in this moment.”
I nodded and Justin grabbed both sides of my face so I’d stop moving. I smiled at him.
He tsked me and grabbed a makeup brush.
“Thank you, Tanner,” I said. Tanner had told me exactly what I’d needed to hear.
“So you’re not getting cold feet?” he asked.
I laughed. “Definitely not.”
“Good, good. Because I’m not sure I could pick up the pieces a second time. Matt needs you.”
“And I need him.” I smiled and put my hand on my stomach. We both needed him. And Jacob too. The four of us against the world. I smiled, thinking of my mom.
“And Brooklyn?”
“Yes?”
“Is Nigel with you? Matt is getting nervous about where he keeps running off to. And I’m assuming he’s with you.”
I laughed. “He is. I’ll tell him to head back to you guys.” Nigel had been so wonderful all day. Popping in and out to make sure I didn’t need anything. Even though he was a groomsman and should have been focusing on Matt.
“I will let your ladies take it from here. I’ll see you soon.”
“Thanks, Tanner. For…everything.”
“Anything, for my best friend’s friend,” he said.
I laughed, remembering when he was pretending to be Kennedy’s best friend. I had no idea how Tanner had gotten Matt and I back together, but I knew he’d had a lot to do with it.
“Or in this case my best friend’s wife. In a few hours, anyway. Call me if you need anything, okay?”
“I will.”
We both hung up and now I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.
Justin smiled and stepped back. “Perfect.”
“But you barely did anything.” I’d only seen him with one makeup brush. I touched my cheek and he swatted my hand away.
“Because I put waterproof everything on you. You’re not my first shotgun wedding. Pregnant women always cry the most.”
I’d hardly call my wedding to Matt a shotgun wedding. Yes, we’d quickly planned it when we found out I was pregnant. But it was 16 years in the making. We were 16 years in the making. I took another deep breath.
“You’re all ready,” Justin said.
I nodded. I was. I lifted up the skirt of my dress. “Let’s go get married.”
Justin laughed and put his arm through mine. “Don’t tempt me. You know I’d run off with you in a heartbeat.”
I laughed. “Are you excited to see Donnelley?”
“He should be excited to see me. I’m the one in the amazing yellow tux.” He gestured to his tux that absolutely was amazing. I had no idea how he’s gotten one to match the bridesmaid dresses perfectly. And his navy blue bowtie brought the whole thing together.
Justin escorted me down the stairs.
Mrs. Caldwell put her hand to her chest and tears pooled in the corners of her eyes.
God, she was going to make me cry again.
Kennedy hurried over to me. “Everything good?” she asked.
I nodded. “Everything’s perfect.”
Mrs. Alcaraz hugged me and then grabbed both sides of my face. “Bonita.”
“You look so beautiful,” Mrs. Caldwell agreed and squeezed my arm.
“Is there anything else at all that you need?” Penny asked.
“No, I’m ready.”
Bee grabbed my hand. “I can’t believe we’re going to be sisters.”
“All of us,” Daphne said with a smile.
These girls really did want to make me cry again.
“I have all the bouquets…” Nigel’s voice trailed off when he saw me. “Belle.”
“Who me?” Justin asked.
“What?” Nigel looked confused.
“My last name is Belle,” Justin said. “I often go by Mr. Belle.” He winked at Nigel.
Nigel shook his head. “No, I was talking about Brooklyn.” He turned back to me. “Belle femme. You are the most beautiful bride.”
“Thank you, Nigel. But you need to get back to the groomsmen. Matt is wondering where you are.”
“He requested my services?” Nigel asked.
That was a weird way to put it, but kind of. “Mhm.”
“I must be going then.” He quickly handed us all our bouquets. The flowers were a combination of white and yellow roses and some baby’s-breath arranged throughout. “But please telephone me if you need anything, mademoiselle. Or fax if you’re in a hurry. Wait, unless you want me to drive the limo?”
I quickly shook my head. I’d driven with him before and once was definitely enough. He was the sweetest guy, but a complete madman on the road. Especially in his Hummer.
“See you all soon.” He took a turn kissing the back of each of the bridesmaid’s hands. Only skipping Justin.
They all blushed and giggled.
Nigel really was such a ladies’ man.
He did the same with Mrs. Caldwell, Mrs. Alcaraz, and Scarlett and Sophie. The two little girls were both in frilly yellow dresses. They made the most adorable flower girls.
“Au revoir,” Nigel said. Then he ran through the door that connected our houses and quickly closed it behind him.
Justin looped his arm back through mine and then started snapping instructions at everyone.
“Do you need me to grab anything?” I asked as he guided me out of the house.
“You don’t need to lift a finger. I’m handling it all. I just got a text saying everything is ready at the venue. And the men are en route.”
A chauffeur opened the limo door for us.
“Thank you,” I said.
He nodded and smiled at me as Justin and I climbed in. Justin’s phone buzzed again. He started texting furiously.
As everyone else climbed into the limo, I noticed that there was a little envelope sticking out the top of my bouquet. I pulled it out and opened it. I thought it was a thank you note from the florist, but instead there was a polaroid inside. A picture of me and Matt on the field of Empire High 16 years ago. He’d just won a game and he was twirling me around in his arms. My heart felt all warm and fuzzy. He was smiling so big in the picture. I remembered falling in love with that smile. Dreaming of that smile. Promising forever to that smile.
I turned the picture over. Written on the back in Matt’s handwriting was: “It’s always been you, baby. Always and forever.”
I smiled and slid the picture back into the bouquet. It didn’t hurt to have one more old thing for good luck. Always and forever, Matt.