CHAPTER 9
ADDY
“Angel?” I startled badly, gasping deeply as I turned, alarmed at the tap on the back of my hand, then felt ridiculous when it was just Kane. He had been sitting in the back of the car the entire ride home from the air strip, and I knew it, but I had zoned out and gone somewhere else – somewhere dark and haunting, deep in my own mind.
“Sorry,” I instantly apologized. I placed my hand over Kane’s on my thigh, not wanting him to think I didn’t feel safe with him. I did. My head just wasn’t in a good place right then. It was almost dawn and I hadn’t slept a wink all night. Kane and my brothers had tried everything to make me rest, but I was too afraid to close my eyes, knowing I would see either Adam bleeding out on that white step, or Eli laid unconscious and way too vulnerable on that plane. In either memory Bull was there too, and Max – the both of them mocking and taunting me with threats to break me all over again.
“It’s okay. We’re home now. Maybe you can finally get some sleep,” Kane suggested, but I just shook my head. I wasn’t sure I ever wanted to sleep again. My new nightmares and the unimaginable fear of losing someone I loved that came with them, were just an addition to the horror I usually relived on a nightly basis. Add to that my exhaustion, and the pain I was in with a thumping headache, and aches throughout my body, and I was just done. Finished. “You have to sleep, angel. You’ve been awake for almost twenty-four hours and before that you barely slept either,” Kane sighed.
“I don’t want to sleep. You know what I want,” I snapped at him.
“You can’t go to the hospital to see Adam like this, Addy. You’re barely staying upright when you stand. You know what you need to do before we go to the hospital.”
Yeah, I did. We’d already had this argument. Kane was resolved that he wouldn’t take me to visit Adam and see Jordan at the hospital until I got some rest and ate something substantial. Asher had been fully on board with the deal too, and even Eli had reluctantly agreed it would be for the best if I got some sleep. I’d really had no say in the matter and that had only made me even more irritable.
Didn’t any of them see how much I was breaking? Eating and sleeping weren’t an option. I was barely clinging to reality, only just clawing my way above the darkness within me that wanted to drag me into it’s depths. Seeing Adam and Jordan was the only ray of light that was making me even want to cling on. A part of me knew it would be so much easier to just check out and fall into that darkness. Holding myself up and out of it was taking strength I didn’t have.
“Fuck you Kane,” I rasped as I fought not to let tears slip free. I grabbed the handle to climb out of the back of the car, but Kane grabbed my hand and stopped me.
“Addy, I know….”
“No!” I cut him off. “You don’t know anything, Kane! Stop pretending you do! Stop trying to be some fucked up dad to me. I have never needed a parent in my entire life and I sure as hell don’t need or want one now either!” I raged as loud as my voice would allow. My throat was hoarse from crying and exhaustion, which stopped me from yelling as I wanted to.
I ripped my arm free of the lose grip Kane had on it and threw open the back door of the SUV. I slipped out and walked as steadily as I could towards the house. Home. It had been home before, but as I passed the step Adam had been bleeding out on – now bright white again and not a fragment of the horror that had happened there visible – I knew it could never feel like home again.
“Addy!” Asher called to me as I stormed past them in the entrance hall. Asher was helping Eli to pull off his coat and they both paused and stared at me as I passed them, trying my hardest not to meet their eyes.
“I’m going to take a shower,” I called behind me, not stopping or even slowing as I hit the stairs and headed up, praying my shaking legs would hold out long enough to get me safely locked inside my room.
I stumbled near the top, exhausted and pain radiating down my badly bruised back, but I stayed on my feet and just made it into my room, slamming the door closed behind me, just like the spoiled teen I was acting the part of.
I sank to the floor behind my door and brought my knees up to my chest, laying my head atop them as I burst into quiet sobs. I had been a complete bitch to Kane and my brothers, and I knew it, but I just didn’t even know what to do with myself. I was messed up after what had happened and the only thing I could see clearly was that I needed to see Adam and Jordan. I needed to see for myself in real life that Adam was doing okay, and I needed Jordan’s arms around me. I didn’t truly know that any of it would fix anything, but it was my one clear thought. Everything else was a mess of dark thoughts, terrifying memories, and truths I just didn’t want to face.
I forced myself to get up and head into my bathroom, setting the shower running hot. I knew allowing myself to just stop and cry was a sure fire way for me to truly let go and slip into the impending meltdown that I was on the very precipice of. I needed to keep moving long enough to get to Adam and check on him. Once I knew he was safe maybe the darkness would recede some, or maybe I’d just let it take me. Either way I needed to see Adam and no one was stopping me. I was a grown woman who made my own decisions before I found this new life. I could sure as hell still make my own decisions now too.
I raced through a shower, not allowing my thoughts to go any deeper than focusing on what I was doing. Once I felt cleaner and the blood and who knew what else was rinsed from the rats nest I called hair, I pulled on a clean pair of yoga pants and a soft sweater, then braided my wet hair. I tried not to linger in front of the mirror, knowing how terrible I looked and not needing to witness it any closer. I was pale and my face had some scratches across it from the window of the car exploding as Eli and I escaped. The lump on my head was still prominent so my braid was loose and messy, and my head hurt like hell from me washing my hair. But none of it mattered. I just had to get to Adam and Jordan.
I slipped on a pair of flip flops, so I wouldn’t have to bend any more than I already had and anger my bruised back, then I grabbed my cell and left my room, quietly closing the door behind me.
As I moved shakily down the stairs I could hear Asher and Kane talking quietly in the kitchen. They’d obviously made coffee because I could smell it, and they were definitely talking about me, since I heard Ash say my name, but I didn’t stop to listen. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear what they were saying. Probably that I was messed up and behaving like a spoiled kid.
I slipped through the door off of the entrance hall, that led into the garage and grabbed the keys for Eli’s sports car from the small box at the side. There was also Ash’s Range Rover and two huge SUV’s, but I was pretty sure it would take a lot of seat movement for me to drive any of those monsters, and that would waste time I didn’t have.
I’d never been in Eli’s car before. It was small, black, and sleek looking. I knew nothing about cars, but I was pretty confident I could drive the small car, even if it had been a while since I last drove my heap of junk back home.
It took me a few minutes to get the thing started, since it was a keyless ignition, but when it came to life I stopped panicking so much, even though the engine did sound alarmingly powerful. Muscle memory kicked in as I hit the button on the small remote, clipped to the sun visor, that would open the garage door, and before I knew it I was out of the gates and headed towards the city, already feeling able to breathe a little deeper at the knowledge I would be with Adam soon enough.
I had to be on autopilot as I drove, because I didn’t even register the journey, but suddenly I was in the parking lot of the hospital that I had already awoken in way too many times myself. I hated that the drive was a blur, and I hoped like hell I had driven safely, but the truth was, I honestly had no idea. I wasn’t even sure how I’d gotten there. It wasn’t like I’d ever driven myself there before, but somehow the route had stayed in my head from the times I had been driven there and back.
Thankfully, the parking lot was empty, since it was ridiculously early in the morning, so I parked right beside the main entrance. Shutting off the car I didn’t even stop to take a breath. I just wanted to get to Adam. I needed to see him and know he really was still with me.
I swayed the second I got to my feet outside the car, but I leant heavily against the side, and managed to steady myself some. I was a little lightheaded, that was all. I pushed through the relentless pounding in my head and made myself move forward, at least having the sense to lock Eli’s car behind me.
Once I made it inside, the reception desk was empty, with a shutter pulled down over the glass, obviously not open for the day yet. I tried not to despair as I leaned heavily against the counter and looked around me. The hospital was huge and I had zero idea where Adam was. I thought about calling Jordan, but I had shut off my cell before I left the house, knowing Kane would go ape when he realized I had left, and I dreaded turning it back on again.
The whole area around me was silent and still, not a soul around, so I decided I’d need to head deeper inside and hope someone would help me eventually.
I had barely moved away from the desk when I heard a voice I was longing to hear.
“Addy?” I stopped and turned just enough to see him behind me, running my way. Jordan. He was dressed in black sweatpants and a dark gray hooded sweater. His hair was a little messy and he looked exhausted, but otherwise he was perfect, as always. “Princess, what the hell were you thinking?” he questioned as he reached me and pulled me into his arms. Stood awkwardly, half turned as I was I basically fell against him, but he took my weight as he pressed me against his front tightly. “Kane called me. He’s going out of his fucking mind. Are you alright?”
“No,” I admitted as I pressed my face into the front of his shoulder and held him as tightly as I could, squeezing my arms around his waist. “Jordan,” I whimpered, but that was all I could get out before tears flowed once again. I just couldn’t seem to hold it back. I was so relieved to see him, and to feel his strength around me. I let the last vestiges of my control go, knowing he’d be there to keep me safe.
“Hey. I’m here, okay? I’ve got you.” He held me for several moments as I allowed just a small part of myself to crumble. By the time I got a handle on my sobs and pulled some much needed air in, I was a mess.
“Please let me s-see Adam,” I sniffled as I looked up and met his eyes. “Please. I need to see him, Jord. Please.”
“Of course you can see him, Addy. Just slow down a little for me though first. Tell me what’s going on,” he urged as he led me over to a row of hard plastic chairs. He sat down and pulled me into his lap, where I happily settled.
“I just…I need to see him. I n-need to see for myself, you know? I c-couldn’t wait, and Kane was being an ass, so I…I just left. I t-took Eli’s car,” I explained more calmly.
“Kane? Being an ass? I don’t believe it,” he joked, making me smile.
“He w-wanted me to sleep, and I…I get that. I am tired, but I’m also sc-scared to sleep, Jordan. The images…they’re right there every time I close my eyes. All I could think about was getting here and seeing you….a-and Adam. I needed that, but Kane…he wouldn’t bring me. I didn’t mean to scare him, but I had to come. I had to,” I cried, hoping he’d understand and not be annoyed with me too.
“Sshh now. You were right, Kane was being an ass. He should have brought you here. He should have understood that you need to see Adam after the way he looked last time you were with him. I understand that. I’d feel just the same, beautiful,” Jordan agreed, much to my relief. “Are you okay? You look exhausted and you’re shaking so hard. You made it here in one piece?”
“Yeah. I parked Eli’s car outside. I’m okay,” I assured him.
“Princess, I can see you’re far from okay,” he sighed. “Just let me text the asshole back so he knows you’re safe, then we’ll go see Adam, okay?”
“Yeah, please,” I nodded. I lay my head against his chest and slowed my breathing to the rhythm of his heartbeat, feeling calmer than I had in hours just because I was in his arms.
“Fuck, you have no idea how good it feels to have you in my arms again. I was so scared I was going to lose you,” Jordan sighed as he slid his cell back into the pocket of his sweats and locked his eyes with mine. “I love you, Addy. I don’t care if it’s too soon for me to say that, and you don’t have to say it back, but you have to know I love you so fucking much. I never believed in that shit about finding ‘the one’ or soulmates, or whatever, but now I think I do. You were made for me, babe, and I knew that from the first day I met you.”
“I love you too,” I told him instantly. Almost losing Adam had taught me never to hesitate, and on this point I had no need to. I loved Jordan so much and I knew it. I understood what he meant about us being made for each other, because I felt like he, Adam, and Kane were made for me, and I also believed they had been brought into my life for a reason, right when I needed them most.
Too exhausted to tell him everything I needed him to know, I instead reached up and pressed my lips to his, kissing him deeply and praying it told him everything I didn’t have energy to get out right then. He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and pulled me closer, deepening the kiss even more as his tongue stroked over mine. I sank into him, all of my anxiety and darkness eased for those perfect moments as all I saw and knew was the amazing man who held me.
When we came up for breath Jordan was smiling at me as he seemed to take in every inch of my face. I knew what he saw wasn’t exactly me at my best, but I got lost in his eyes and didn’t really care at that moment.
“Come on,” he said as he slid his hands under my thighs and stood, wrapping my legs around his waist as he rose. I instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck and clung on as I squeaked in surprise.
“What are you doing?” I laughed.
“Carrying you. You’re wiped out and trembling way too much. I want you where I know you’re safe.”
“I can walk. I’m okay, Jord,” I assured him.
“No, beautiful, you’re not. But you will be,” he told me as he leaned in and kissed the end of my nose. “Now stop arguing with me and let me hold you. I almost lost you. I need this.”
“I need it too,” I confessed as I lay my head on his shoulder and took a deep, soothing breath. I could faintly smell his aftershave, and with his heat and strength around me, I finally felt able to see some light within once again.
A calm washed over me as I relaxed more and more into Jordan as we climbed in the elevator up several floors. By the time Jordan stepped out I could feel my whole body going limp as sleep finally got a hold on me, but I was startled back to wide awake when I heard Adam yelling.
“Uh-oh,” Jordan said as he hurried his pace. I lifted my head and saw we were hurrying past a nurses station, around which, on all four sides, were hospital rooms with glass doors. Some had curtains pulled over them so you couldn’t see inside. In others I could clearly see patients laid in beds. Nurses were bustling around and there was a constant beep of various machines.
“Get the fuck off of me!” Adam roared and I turned my head to look behind me just as we came to the open doors of a room nurses were hurrying into.
“Shit. I think Kane called Ad,” Jordan growled as he hurried forwards into the room and past nurses who were all stood back looking a little shaken. Adam was half out of the bed, the I.V. which was in his arm straining and about to be ripped out, as he tried to gently push aside the nurse who clearly wanted him to lie back down.
“Ad! Enough. Lay the fuck back down!” Jordan snapped loudly.
Adam paused and lifted his head, his deep dark eyes locking with mine instantly. He still looked off color, but he looked a lot better than he had the day before when I spoke with him on the video call. He was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants, and no shirt, his ripped body taut as he finally stopped fighting to get up and stumbled back instead. There were bandages around his waist, and the I.V. in his arm, but otherwise he just looked like my Adam. Exhausted and angry, but still the Adam I loved.
“Addy,” he gasped as he dropped back to sit on the bed and took a breath, his body relaxing some and all of the nurses around us seeming to heave a sigh of relief. “Thank fuck.”
“Hi,” I said lamely. The nurses were looking between us, and I knew I should feel awkward or embarrassed that Jordan held me as he did, and maybe I did a little, but not enough to want him to put me down.
“You need to lie back down, Mr. Ellis. Your stitches,” The nurse closest to Adam urged.
“It’s okay. I’ve got this. I’ll get him back in bed,” Jordan spoke up. The nurses seemed relieved to not have to deal with the situation any more as they all but fled from the room and closed the door behind them.
“Adam, what the hell?” Jordan hissed the moment we were alone.
“Kane called when he didn’t hear from you. Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” Adam barked.
“Um, I wonder,” Jordan said sarcastically as he looked to his brother with a smirk. “Maybe because I knew exactly what you’d do. You could have ripped your stitches, asshole.”
“Give her to me,” Adam growled.
“Adam, I’m okay,” I tried to reassure him, but it fell on deaf ears as he just glared at Jordan hard.
“Jordan,” he growled again.
“No. You’re going to rip your stitches if you try and lift her. Lie back down and she can lie beside you,” Jordan dictated as the two of them had some kind of stare off.
“Guys,” I tried again. Adam’s eyes returned to mine and his face softened a little. “Are you alright, baby? You shouldn’t have sneaked out like that,” he sighed.
“I didn’t sneak out. I left to come and see my boyfriend. I’m not a prisoner,” I snapped right back.
“Of course you’re not. Adam just means you should have told someone you were leaving. Kane and your brothers were worried, and there could still be a threat out there trying to get hands on you,” Jordan clarified.
“I don’t care anymore, Jord. All I cared about was getting here,” I sighed tiredly.
“You’re exhausted. You need to be home, sleeping,” Adam told me.
“Don’t you start, please Adam. You’re right. I am exhausted, but there was no way I could sleep. The only thought keeping me from letting my own demons drown me in my past was getting here to the two of you. I’m not doing so great…in here,” I tapped my temple. “It’s a huge mess and I just….I need to be here, okay? I need to be with you right now. You asked me to talk to you and I am now. I’m begging you to just let this go,” I pleaded.
“Lie down, Ad. Addy needs to be near you just as much as you need it too,” Jordan told his brother, and I was relieved when Adam stiffly shuffled back and settled against the pillows, half reclined, but looking tense again.
Jordan adjusted me in his arms so he could set me down on the small strip of bed beside Adam. He leaned in to kiss the top of my head as he did so, then Adam was sliding his arm beneath me and pulling me into his side.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I told him as I stiffened at his side.
“You won’t, baby. I’m good,” Adam rumbled as he continued to pull me closer. I relaxed and settled against his side, wrapping my arm around his chest as much as I could.
“I was so scared I’d lost you,” I whimpered as I pressed my face against the soft skin of his side. He didn’t smell like he usually did – his aftershave gone and replaced with the smell of the hospital and some generic soap or bodywash - but just touching him was everything I needed right then.
“Fuck no. I’m not going anywhere,” he told me as he kissed the top of my head. “None of us are, remember? We have a deal.”
“Right,” I sniffled as I looked up with a half-smile, remembering the deal we made the day before to get really old and all die on the exact same day.
“You good here while I go and call Kane? No doubt he’s storming over here in full ‘asshole’ mode,” Jordan spoke up.
“We’re good,” Adam nodded.
“I have my cell if you need me, princess, but I won’t be far away,” Jordan told me as I turned to look at him as much as Adam’s grip on me would allow. It seemed he wasn’t letting me go anytime soon.
“Can you maybe not let Kane in here if he’s gonna yell? I know I deserve it, but I…I just can’t. Not right now,” I told Jordan.
“No one’s yelling at you, Addy. I won’t let them,” Jordan assured me with a wink, then he left the room, closing the door behind him.
“How bad is the pain?” I asked Adam as I settled back into his side, resting my head on his tight pec.
“Better now that I have you beside me,” he replied. “I’m so sorry. I should have gotten you out of there. You should never have been taken.”
“Adam, no. You did everything you could. We both did, but you were shot. You almost died! Don’t you dare apologize to me,” I ground out as I lifted my head enough to glare at him as I spoke.
“Tell me everything. I need to know what they did. I need to know everywhere you were hurt.”
“No. I’m not going to do that, Adam.”
“Tell me, Addy,” he growled this time.
“I’m not going over the whole thing again. I was barely even hurt. I have a few bruises, scratches, and a headache. Eli got me out of there so fast they barely had time to do anything. It’s Eli who got shot. I’m alright,” I tried to soothe him.
“That sonofabitch, Max Kline, is dead if I ever get my hands on him.”
“The police are searching for him. The FBI too. Eli and I had to give statements before we could leave Vegas. Once they catch Max, they told us he’ll have so many charges against him, he’ll never escape a prison sentence,” I explained.
“It’s not enough. He should die for everything he’s done, and everything he put you and Eli through.”
“I don’t care about that now, Ad. Max is gonna be so busy running to escape the cops, he won’t come near me again, and he was the last piece of this whole mess. It’s over, and everyone I care about is safe. It’s time to look forwards, not backwards,” I told him, even though inside, that felt like an impossible task.
“I might need a little time first, honey. I’m still trying to deal with the fact you were taken from me,” he admitted.
“I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere either.” I cuddled into him even tighter and listened to the comforting sound of his breaths. He didn’t speak again and I knew he was deep in thought, likely still blaming himself for what happened. It seemed he, like me, would need some more time to put the past where it belonged and move forwards. My real concern was that I was going to need a hell of a lot more than time though. I was going to need millions of hours with my therapist, a ton of strength I didn’t have left, and a freaking miracle if I was ever going to overcome the past enough to see the future before me.
I had thought I was getting better before the attack at the house. I was feeling brighter and more positive. Having Kane, Adam, and Jordan in my life made me feel like I could focus on the future. I had Asher and Eli who I loved and trusted implicitly. I had thought with the focus of our new youth center to focus on that I was beginning to see the light behind the darkness, but that had all changed.
Being taken, seeing Bull, and discovering Max’s betrayal, it had brought so much of my darkness back. Losing Adam and dealing with Eli getting shot had only added to the harrowing memories that lived within me, and it had all just proven that I wasn’t the strong person I thought I was at all. It had shown me that I was weak. It had proved that rather than overcoming my darkness, I had just been hiding in the eye of it all, and now it was storming within me once again. It was time, I realized, to choose whether I held on and rode the storm out until I got to the sunlight once again, or just gave over to it, and gave up the fight all together, allowing the storm to take me and swirl me into the darkness for good.
I’d loved to have said that was an easy decision at that point. That I was ready to fight for everything I had and everyone I loved and cared for, but the truth was I was broken, and feeling defeated. Despite everything I knew I should hold on for, my body was telling me it would be so much easier to just let go, and I just didn’t have the strength to argue with it.
My childhood. My mom’s abuse. Being kidnapped and used against my will repeatedly, then being sold to that monster Hilton. The abuse. The torture. That trauma. My father and his evil deeds. The explosion at the house. Max. Adam and Eli getting hurt because of me. It was all just enough, wasn’t it? Christ, I hadn’t even got back all of my horror filled memories of those two years, I didn’t even know how I escaped it all yet, but it likely involved me killing a man. Could I handle that? Could I truly handle anything more than the masses and masses that already weighed me down into the deep dark bowels of my fear and depression? No. The answer was no! No more!
I loved Kane, Adam, and Jordan so much. I loved my brothers too. They had given me so much more than they could ever know, but I was drowning and I just wasn’t sure they were enough to make me want to keep flailing to the top any longer.