CHAPTER 15
JORDAN
I was just beginning to drop off, laid out in my bed and exhausted after the two hour long workout I had done to try and tire myself enough that I’d finally fall asleep, when my cell started to vibrate on the nightstand. I rushed to grab it, thinking it could be Addy and worried why she would be calling me so late. We’d already spoken earlier in the evening just before she got into bed, and she’d seemed okay. Quiet and exhausted as she had been ever since we got her back from the kidnaping by Kline, but okay.
That was why I hadn’t been able to sleep mainly – my worry for my girl and all I knew she was going through. I hated that she was so far away from me, and that there was no way for me to be there with her when I knew she needed me to be. There was nothing I wanted more than to drop everything with the center and just go to her, but I was trying hard to respect her wish to have some time away, even if it was fucking killing me to do it. I hadn’t had a full nights sleep since she left. Most nights I ended up in the gym in the middle of the night working out my rage over Adam and Kane being complete pricks, and trying to exhaust my brain enough to stop worrying about Addy so I could just get a few hours of sleep.
Everything was a mess. Kane was still pissed with Addy for leaving, and though he’d stopped trying to find her, he hadn’t stopped being an asshole about the whole thing. Adam knew he’d fucked up and failed Addy, but now he seemed to be letting her go because of some bullshit gallant belief that she was better off without him. I’d tried to talk to him repeatedly, but he always just brushed me off and walked away, and he was trying his best to avoid me at all costs.
I still worried he was using again, sneaking out at strange hours, and brooding in his room the rest of the time. He had stopped hitting the gym completely as far as I knew, and he looked like shit. I knew I needed to confront him about that – about whether or not he was using again, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. I was scared. Fucking terrified to ask him, because I wasn’t ready to deal with the reply that would come. The idea of losing my brother to that shit again, was more than I could stand to consider.
Things were bad, that was for damned sure. My girl was gone. My brother was a walking disaster. Kane was more of an asshole than he had ever been, and the two people I needed most to ask for help – Asher and Eli – were gone too. I was trying so hard to keep things going, but I was failing at that too.
Now my phone was ringing in the early hours of the morning and I feared it could only be more really bad news I was sorely ill-equipped to handle. Whoever it was calling me right then, I knew it had to be because something was wrong.
When I saw it was Asher calling, my panic didn’t abate, and I almost dropped my phone in my desperation to answer the thing.
“Ash?” I gasped, my heart pounding a million beats a minute, or at least it felt that way. “Is it Addy? Is she okay?”
“She’s safe, breathe, Jord,” Asher soothed instantly. “She’s fast asleep right now,” he added, and I allowed myself to take a much needed breath.
“What’s going on? I know you didn’t call me at this time to catch up?”
“I wish I did,” he sighed. “Addy, she had a bad night. She’s not doing so great, brother.”
“A nightmare?”
“Yeah, a bad one. She…shit, I don’t even know what happened, but she ended up out in the snow, screaming her lungs raw. She completely zoned out on us both for a while too. It’s like she’s drowning with every minute that passes Jordan, and I’m trying like hell to drag her out again, but I’m failing.” Asher’s voice sounded unsteady, and even more worrying was the uncertainty in every word he said. It was so unlike him to not be confident he could fix everything.
“Fuck,” I whispered as my eyes burned with tears. I knew Addy wasn’t dealing well with everything that had happened in recent weeks, but I had no idea it had gotten so bad, and I fucking hated myself for failing her too, because I knew I had. We all had. “What can I do?”
“She needs you, Jordan. I think she needs all of you if I’m honest, but she’s not strong enough to deal with Adam and Kane right now. She misses you, but she didn’t want to drag you away from the center right now.”
“Fuck that. If she needs me, I’m there, Ash. You know that. I’m ahead of schedule at the center now anyway. I’ve done nothing but work with Addy gone,” I admitted.
“Good. Do you think you can head up here tomorrow and stay for the weekend?” he asked, and I was already nodding before he stopped talking.
“Give me the address and I’ll set off right now.”
“No. Don’t do that. I don’t want Kane suspecting anything and trying to follow you. The last thing Addy needs is him turning up here, being a complete ass with her again.”
“You’re right,” I agreed reluctantly. As desperate as I was to get there and have my girl in my arms, I knew I needed to make sure I arrived there alone, for her sake. “I’ll set off to work as normal in the morning, so Kane doesn’t suspect anything.”
“I need you to stop off once you leave the property and check for trackers too. I know it’s crazy, but I’m so worried about how fragile Addy is. I promised her I wouldn’t let Kane or Adam come here, and I have to keep that promise.”
“I get it, man. I don’t want them near her either right now. Kane has seriously lost his shit not knowing where she is, and Adam…” I paused as I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried not to let those tears burning in my eyes fall. I was a grown man. I should have the balls to confront my addict brother about what was going on, but I just…I couldn’t. I was too scared I’d lose him all over again.
“Jordan?”
“Adam’s not good. I…I really think he’s using again, Asher. I know I should ask him head on, but I….”
“I know. It’s okay, Jordan. I know how hard it must be to go through all of this after last time. You went through hell when you were a kid, when Adam got addicted. I just can’t believe he’d put you through that again,” Asher sighed.
“I don’t know for sure, but he looks like shit and…well, he goes out at all hours with no explanation.”
“How about you come here and stay with Eli and Addy, while I head back and deal with your dumbass brother and Kane, okay? Addy needs you here, and it sounds like Adam needs a kick up the ass only I can give him. Kane too.”
“I’d really appreciate that,” I agreed emotionally.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to share your concerns about Adam with Addy until we know for sure what’s going on, I’m not sure she has the strength to deal with anything else right now,” Asher sighed, and he sounded completely exhausted himself.
“I don’t like keeping things from her, Ash.”
“I know. Me neither, but I don’t want to add more worry on her shoulders when we don’t even know for sure that there’s anything to worry about. You know Adam. He could just be brooding on what happened. He does that. His behavior doesn’t mean he’s definitely using again,” he reasoned, and I knew he was right – prayed for it to be so, but I wasn’t convinced.
“Okay,” I agreed. “I won’t say anything for now, but Ash – I think you should prepare yourself. Last time Adam acted like this, we both know what he was doing.”
“I’m prepared, Jord, but I hope to God that you’re wrong.”
“Will you call me as soon as you know something? As scared as I am to find out he’s using again, I need to know.”
“I will, as soon as I know anything. Just come here and be with Addy. I’ll handle things back home,” he assured me with a hint of his usual confidence, which I had so desperately needed to hear. “Addy has agreed to do video sessions with her therapist every day, so I need you to try and make sure she does that while you’re here. You have to make sure she eats too, and don’t let her sleep alone. Her nightmares are a lot worse after everything with Max.”
“I won’t let her down again. I promise I’ll take care of her, Asher,” I pledged. “Not just now either. No matter what happens with Kane and Adam, I won’t be walking away. I love her, and I intend to prove I’m worthy of her every single day from now on. I won’t fail her again. You have my word.”
“You don’t need my blessing Jordan. I know what a good guy you are, and I know you’ll look out for Addy, but it was still good to hear you say it,” Asher told me.
“I meant it too. Every fucking word. Addy is it for me. I know that now.”
“Good. I’ll send you the details of where we are. Let me know when you’re an hour away tomorrow, and drive carefully. We’ve been hit hard by snow up here. Take one of my cars if you need to.” I easily agreed, a smile on my face the whole time. Asher wasn’t really that much older than me in years, but he was as close to a father figure as I’d had since the day I lost my own father. I had so much to thank him for, and I would never take for granted how important he was in my life.
As soon as I ended the call I quietly pulled a duffel bag from my closet and packed some clothes and toiletries into it. There was no way I could sleep now, not with the worry I felt over what Ash had told me about Addy. She was struggling, more than I had ever realized and I knew the only place I needed to be right then was by her side, where I belonged.
When I had packed all of my stuff into a bag, I grabbed another two and moved between Eli and Asher’s rooms, grabbing them clothes and essentials they had been without for days. I grabbed Asher’s laptop, knowing he hated to be parted from the thing. I also ventured up to Eli’s studio and filled the top of his bag with sketch books, pastels, pencils, and anything else I thought he would want while he was away. One thing I knew for sure about my best friend, was that he hated to be parted from his art supplies.
Addy was next. I went to her room and pulled out a suitcase that Eli had picked up for her when we were living in the penthouse in the city. I filled it with some clothes and essentials, then added in a few framed photos she had around her room, including one of her cuddled between Adam, Kane, and I, that Eli had taken just days before Max’s monsters had broken into our home and ruined everything.
I also picked up the small DVD player, that Eli had gifted Addy the week before, along with the huge case of DVD’s he had amassed for her. They all consisted of the 1980’s and 1990’s action movies she had mentioned loving, plus some more Eli had added just to fill the huge thing up. If she was feeling down, I knew she loved to snuggle with blankets, chocolate, and hopefully me, and just binge watch these classic movies. It wasn’t much, but I hoped having her own things with her, would help her to feel more settled. I also hoped my presence could do the same thing too.
It was almost six AM by the time I had silently loaded all of the bags into the back of my car, so I just about had time to run to my room to shower and change, taking extra care to spray on the cologne I knew Addy liked, and style my hair way more carefully than I had since she’d been gone. I’d already put the address Asher sent to me into the GPS on my cell, so I knew I was just four hours drive from getting my arms around my beautiful, perfect girlfriend.
Just that thought was enough to have me grinning and I had to work hard to cover that smile as I went into the kitchen to grab coffee and a bagel, just the way I always did each morning before work. Or at least I used to. Adam didn’t go grocery shopping any more. He hadn’t done it in weeks, and he didn’t cook or bake either. We all understood when he was healing, but his doctor had cleared him to return to work since then, only Adam wasn’t interested in that. It seemed he wasn’t interested in anything but his secret escapes he took regularly.
Kane was sat in the kitchen, at the counter, when I walked in. He was nursing a mug of coffee, or at least glaring down at it anyway.
“Did she call last night?” he asked, not even bothering to look up at me as he spoke.
“Yep, She calls me every night, because I’m not a complete ass with her,” I threw back.
“How am I the ass when she just ran off and told me to stay the fuck away?!” he snapped as he finally lifted his head and turned his glare on me instead.
“I don’t have time for this again. Kane,” I sighed as I grabbed my coffee cup from the dishwasher and started filling it from the half full coffee pot. My guess was that Kane had been sat there for at least the last thirty minutes, trying to get enough caffeine into his veins to keep him conscious. Judging by his pale face and dark smudges under his eyes, he wasn’t sleeping either. “I have a meeting I need to get to this morning,” I lied.
“Just tell me she’s okay, Jordan, please,” he almost pleaded, sounding more broken than I had ever heard him sound. I turned and leant back against the counter across the kitchen from him.
“I can’t do that, because Addy’s not okay and that’s on you as much as it is me and Adam,” I told him honestly.
“What does that mean? What happened?” More panic filled his face as he looked to me for the answers he obviously needed.
“Ash called me in the night. Addy had some kind of break down after a nightmare last night. She ended up out in the snow, screaming her self hoarse, then she totally checked out on Ash and Eli, just like she did with us that night in her room. Ash said she’s not doing good. He’s terrified he’s going to lose her - that we all are,” I explained. Why shouldn’t he know what Addy was going through? He was definitely one of the causes of it all. We all were, and we deserved the guilt I knew I was already feeling.
“Why the hell aren’t he and Eli doing more? How could they even let that happen?” Kane roared as he got to his feet so fast the seat behind him crashed to the hard tile floor.
“They’re doing everything they can, Kane, and you know it. Addy was kidnapped again. She saw Eli hurt and watched Adam get shot. She thought he was dead! She almost lost Eli too. You think that didn’t affect her? That it didn’t bring back every terrifying memory and nightmare of all she’s suffered crashing right back into her every conscious thought? Let me guess - you think she should just pull herself together and get over it?” I growled, feeling enraged for all he and my idiot brother were putting Addy through just because they were self-centered assholes! Sure, I’d been one too, but at least I’d realized how badly I fucked up and was working to fix it.
“No, of course not. She needs to let us take care of her. How can we do that when she won’t even tell us where she is?”
“She won’t tell you where she is because you’ve been a complete prick to her. She won’t tell any of us where she is because we all failed her when she needed us! Can’t you see that for long enough to stop blaming her for leaving, and instead put the fucking blame where it belongs, on all of us? On you! You suffocated her until she was terrified of you Kane! Adam ignored her and made her blame herself for something that was done to her! And I fucking failed her, too focused on a fucking building when she needed me the most. We all fucked up, but I’ve owned my part and apologized to her. Don’t you think it’s time you did the same?”
“And Adam?” he questioned. I looked behind me to the mess that was the kitchen, the kitchen Adam was obsessive about keeping clean before, and sighed deeply.
“I hope he’ll pull his head out of his ass too, but I’m scared it’s already way too late for that simple step to be enough to bring him back to us,” I replied flatly.
“What does that mean?” Kane questioned.
“It means,” I began as I screwed the lid on my coffee cup, needing to keep moving if I was going to get out of there without my fear and weakness showing through more than it already was. “It means I think he’s using again, Kane, and if he is, then we probably won’t get him back this time. I barely got him back before.”
“He wouldn’t,” Kane defended and I turned to him with a raised eyebrow.
“Take a good look at him and tell me that.” With those words I grabbed my cup of coffee and left the house. I didn’t know where to start helping my brother, but I could help Addy and I was determined I would do just that, the whole time praying Asher really could give Adam the kick that he truly needed, as he had said he would. I couldn’t lose my brother. I loved him and I needed him, but I knew my place in that moment was with Addy. I had tried with Adam and he’d done nothing but push me away. Addy needed me. She had asked for me to come to her and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let her down ever again.