CHAPTER 24
ADDY
I opened my eyes with a loud groan, the light of the room feeling like lasers through my sore eyes, making my throbbing head pound even harder. I looked around and found Kane sitting in the armchair from the corner of my room. He’d pulled it right to the side of the bed and he had his hand over mine on top of the comforter.
“Hey,” I croaked.
“Hey. How are you feeling?” he asked as he leaned in close to me and pushed some strands of my hair back from my face.
“Like I got hit by a truck. I think that sleeping pill did a number on me,” I moaned as I shaded my eyes from the light coming through the closed blind. I realized it had to be pretty bright outside to be shining through so much. “Where are Jordan and Adam?”
“They went to the gym with Asher.”
“I scared them, didn’t I? Is Ash losing it?” I asked as guilt flooded me. I could remember some of the night before, but it was a bit of a blur.
“He’s worried. We all are,” Kane replied as he looked to me with a sad smile. “You said some things last night. You made me ask you the question I fucking hate having to ask you, Addy.”
“I know,” I nodded as I pushed myself up to sit against the headboard and my pillows. “I remember.”
“Do you remember your answer?” he demanded. I pulled his hand into mine and lifted it to my thigh as I pulled my legs up to my chest.
“Yes,” I whispered with some shame.
“Please tell me you have a better answer than ‘I don’t know’ for me this morning?” He gulped loudly as he studied me.
I closed my eyes for a second as I considered my answer. I knew I should lie, take some of the fear I saw in his eyes from him, but I couldn’t. He’d know. He always knew. It was like he could see right to my soul sometimes.
“I can’t,” I whispered as I pressed my forehead to my knees and tried to think straight. “I know that’s not what you want to hear, but things are still such a mess, Kane. I can think clearly this morning, but that hasn’t made the chaos inside my head any quieter. It doesn’t take away from the fact another monster who wants to hurt me is coming for me, or the news that I have to face Max fucking Kline in court if I want any justice for all of the innocents he hurt.”
“And what about me? What about Jord and Adam? Your brothers? We all love you so fucking much, Addy. Can you really consider just leaving us all fucking destroyed while you find peace?” he demanded. “And yeah, that makes me sound like a selfish prick, but it’s true. If you end your life, not one of us will ever recover from losing you. All we’ll ever feel is guilt for failing you.”
“Please Kane…” I cried as tears filled my eyes and my hands started to tremble.
“No. Sorry angel, but if you wanted me to say I want you to find peace and just swallow this bullshit, you’re gonna be disappointed,” he snapped as he pulled his hand from mine and ran both of his through his hair with agitation. “I’m never gonna just sit back and let you give up. I know shit is hard, I know you’re scared and fucking exhausted of having to fight battle after motherfucking battle, but you don’t get to give up! You made me love you, dammit! You’re everything to me. I will not lose you now.”
I was crying quietly as I wrapped my arms around my knees and curled tighter into myself. I knew he didn’t want to lose me. I knew none of them would let me just take the easy way out, but I was broken. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I loved all of them too, and it would be the hardest thing I had to do to know I was taking my life and would never see them again, but what were my alternatives? I already knew the answer to that. What I didn’t know was if I really had any will left to even try and take those options.
“My nightmare,” I whispered as I turned my head against my knees so I could look at Kane. He was in his chair beside me, but he had his elbows resting on his knees, his face in his hands. “In the car, yesterday. I was back in that warehouse…in that cage. A man came in. He…he was looking for someone. He picked me and I was ripped out of the cage. I was s-so scared,” I squeaked as emotion clogged my throat. Kane lifted his head and wrapped his hand around my bare ankle in support. “The man, he grabbed me, pressed my back against his front and told me he was going to enjoy himself with me. He….he t-touched me…hurt me, but it was nothing compared to what he’d do when he got me to whatever room he was going to take me to.”
“Addy…”
“You know who he was, Kane?” I asked, cutting him short before he could say anything. I didn’t even give Kane time to respond. “Max. Max Kline. He was in the warehouse where I know for a fact I was held. The guards in the nightmare were the same ones there with me in the memories I already recalled. I recognized the girls around me, but Max? I…I don’t know if that part was real. I don’t know if that bastard hurt me too, or if my brain just put him there because of what Asher had told me before. I d-don’t know if that was a memory, or just a nightmare, Kane. I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t. I n-never will, will I? I could be walking down the street ten years from now, thinking it’s all in the past, and then recognize a man. I might just know him from a party, or a TV commercial or anything, but all I’m going to think is, is he just another monster who hurt me in those years? It…it will never end! It can’t, because I can’t remember everything, and even if I could, how would I really know it was everything? I still don’t even know what happened to Hilton! I don’t know if I sh-shot him!” I cried brokenly. “I…I love you too…all of you, and of course I don’t want to give up and let the darkness win, but I can’t live that way. I don’t want to live that way!”
“Fuck!” Kane gasped as he jumped on the bed and so easily lifted me into his arms, pressing me hard against him as he set me down in his lap. “Sshh angel. I’ve got you. I’ve got you now,” he soothed as I lifted my head and pressed it against his smooth black shirt, sobbing all of my broken out, right there for him to see.
“I’m scared,” I blubbered.
“Me too,” he replied. “And I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know how you keep going, but I’m asking you to anyway, Addy, because I’m a selfish prick. I don’t want to live in a world without you in it. I need you to fight, for me and for Adam, and Jordan, For your brothers. Fight for us if you can’t do it for yourself, because we need you. We need you so fucking much,” he pleaded as he held me so tight I could barely breathe.
I didn’t speak. I couldn’t. He was asking too much of me, and yet I never wanted to let him down. I never wanted to fail any of them. He’d fought dirty asking me to fight for all of them, because it was something I wasn’t so easily able to deny him. Giving up for my sake was easy done, but giving up when they’d asked me to fight felt like something I really wasn’t sure I could do, no matter how much it fucking hurt to have that glimpse of a possible peace taken from me.
A cry burst from me as pain filled me at what I already knew I had to do. Giving up had been the easy way out - the cowards way too, I was sure – but I had wanted the peace more than I had ever wanted anything. I was done with being hurt and broken again and again. I was done with the endless struggle to survive that my life had been, and I was starting to think I was good with that decision, but that was being taken from me.
I couldn’t do it when I knew how much it would hurt my brothers, and the men I was madly in love with. I couldn’t stop fighting when they were all so desperate for me to keep hanging on. I wasn’t that selfish, even if I wanted to be.
“Angel…” Kane whispered against my ear, and a shudder ran through me.
“Kane,” I whispered back as I turned my head and crashed my lips down over his so hard I was sure I’d cut the inside of my lip, but it didn’t matter in that second. I needed relief. I needed a break from the mess inside of me. I needed to feel.
I kissed him almost manically as I ripped my arms free of his hold, banded around me, and grabbed at his shoulders, his neck, his hair, anything to try and sate the me desperation for the pain and ache inside of me to just be taken away. To feel something other than panic and fear.
“Addy! Addy, slow down!” Kane gasped as he tried to pull away from my assault on him. I tried to follow, not wanting to stop, but he placed a hand on my shoulder and held me back. “We need to slow way down, okay? There’s no rush to do this.”
“No!” I cried as tears prickled my eyes. “Please Kane. Please! I need this. I…I need to feel something good. I need to feel peace and calm a-and safe. Please make me feel something good!” I cried.
“You’re upset,” he sighed.
“I know what I want. Please Kane. I just need some peace, and I know I’ll feel that. I know you’ll make me feel that when our bodies are pressed together, as close as two people can be. I want to feel alive again,” I begged.
“You’re sure?” he asked as he looked to be in pain with the battle raging within.
“Yes. Completely sure. I love you.”
“I love you too, and I’m gonna fucking show you how much,” he growled as he lifted me from his lap and got to his feet. I wrapped myself around him, resting my arms on his shoulders and reaching up to crash my lips down over his again. I couldn’t get enough of him as I frantically kissed him, my hands desperately running through his soft, short hair. This time he kissed me back just as ferociously as he pressed me hard against his rock hard, chiseled body. All of my fears, doubts, worries and anxiety fled as I lost myself in this man beneath me. In Kane. I was safe with him and I knew it. I could never drown in the ever raging darkness within, as long as he held me the way he was.
We went crashing into the bathroom, the door smashing hard into the wall behind it as Kane aggressively thrust it open. He leaned in to set the shower running, then he moved his kisses to my neck and back up behind my ear as he worked one handed to strip me of the sweater and t-shirt I wore in one fast movement. I wasn’t wearing a bra, so I found myself pressed into his arms in nothing but my panties, but I didn’t even consider my scars as I once again kissed him with everything in me, not wanting the bond between us to be broken more that it had to be.
I protested with a whine when Kane dropped me to my feet on the cold tile floor, but an end was quickly put to that when Kane dropped to his knees and sucked my right nipple into his mouth. I threw my head back and groaned in delight as he alternated between my breasts, placing kisses around my nipple, alternated with soft sucks and gentle nibbles on my nipples. My panties disappeared as I grabbed his head and pressed him to my chest, needing more.
“So fucking amazing,” he gasped as he pulled back and rose to his feet. “You’re even sexier than I dreamed you’d be,” he went on as he unfasted the fly of his jeans and dropped them to the floor.
“No underwear,” I remarked in shock, as he stood before me now completely naked. I reached out a hand and ran it slowly down the deep lines of muscle across his chest and down his abs. He had that ‘v’ that women always seemed to covet in the romance novels I read, and now I finally got why. It was so sexy.
“I got dressed in a rush when we left here to come to you,” he told me, but I was barely even listening as my eyes raked over the perfection of his body. “Eyes are up here, pretty girl,” he chuckled after a moment and I snapped my eyes to his as a blush spread over my cheeks.
“I’m your girlfriend. I get to look,” I told him with a dramatic pout.
“Later,” he told me with a smile. “Right now I need you against me,” he added as he wrapped his hands around my hips and lifted me back into his arms. I wrapped my legs around his waist and I could feel the hardness of his erection beneath me.
“I want you Kane, right now. I need you,” I whispered as he walked us both under the warm spray of the shower. I looped my arms around his neck and kissed him more slowly this time, taking my time and enjoying the way he always took control and made it even hotter.
“Have you done this before, with the others?” he asked as he pulled back and looked seriously into my face. I blushed again as panic filled me about what I should say.
“Answer me, Addy. I’m not going to be jealous. I just want to know where you’re at,” he assured me.
“With Jordan,” I nodded. “Adam and I messed around a little, but we didn’t…you know,” I stuttered, definitely glowing bright red by now.
“I find that cuteness so sexy. You drive me wild,” he growled as he leaned into kiss my nose, making me giggle a little and alleviating my worries. “Everything was okay with Jordan? Do you have any triggers you know of?” he asked.
“I don’t know, but I trust you, Kane. I was fine with Jordan. I want this,” I told him as I pressed his face between my hands and looked deep into his eyes. “I want this with you.”
“If you get scared, or just worried then you tell me…” I slammed my hand over his mouth and smiled, feeling calm and at peace in my head for the first time since the night I left Jordan in bed back at the cabin.
“I’ll tell you, okay? But I won’t need to. Make love to me Kane, please. Make me yours and you, mine,” I told him boldly.
“I’ve always been yours,” he sighed, and before I could even take his words in, his lips were on mine again, his tongue teasing my mouth open so he could take complete control of the moment, just the way he seemed to need. Not that I was ever going to complain. Everything in my head stilled and I found a whole new level of peace when I handed control to him, knowing he’d never do anything but cherish and care for me.
He used one hand to hold me up while the other started to roam, exploring my wet skin.
“I can’t get enough of touching your body, Addy,” he told me as he pulled back and seemed to take a moment to look me over. “Your skin is so soft and smooth.”
I moved my hands from where they were looped around his neck, and down over the hard ridges of muscle on his back.
“You’re so hard…all muscle,” I mused as I look down at his chest pressed to mine. “I feel so safe when you’re wrapped around me like this.”
“You are.” His lips moved from mine, to nibble a path down my neck and across my shoulder. “I’d do anything to protect you. Anything,” he uttered between kisses and nibbles.
I grabbed his shoulders and pulled myself tighter against his body, desperate to find some friction as the heat rose higher and higher within me at every word he spoke and every sensuous touch of his lips on my skin. He was driving me wild with need and I was pretty sure he knew it as he glanced up and smirked sexily.
“Quit teasing me, Kane,” I scolded gently as I pushed my hand through his hair and pulled slightly.
“You’re very demanding. That won’t always be the way this works with me,” he told me, and that just sent more heat rushing to my core as the throbbing there got more and more desperate. “But for now, I can negotiate,” he added with a wink.
He placed his hands on my thighs and urged me to release them from around him. I slid down his body and landed before him with a squeak of disappointment as I reached to get my hands on his now gloriously wet body.
“A little patience,” he chuckled gently when I looked to him with confusion. “I didn’t think you’d be so demanding. Full of surprises, aren’t you?”
Kane stepped up so his body brushed against mine, setting me alight everywhere his skin slid against mine, then he kissed me sweetly on the lips as he eased me back against the wall of the shower. I barely even noticed the cold tiles as I pushed against them, desperate for whatever he had planned next.
“I want you to hold on to my shoulders and keep your hands there for me,” he demanded and I followed his direction without question, pressing my hands against the wide hard plains. I almost cried out a ‘hallelujah!” when he dropped down to his knees in front of me. He ran his hands up the outside of both of my legs as he looked up into my eyes and just studied me, then he lowered his gaze and dropped down low, trailing kisses over my calf and up to my thigh, first on my right leg, then my left.
“Kane!” I gasped. “Please…I can’t w-wait. Please just touch me!”
“I barely even started teasing you, angel,” he teased.
“No!” I gasped. I was panting for breath and twitching where I stood, the need burning within feeling like it was building to a point where I might just explode.
“But, I did say I’d negotiate this once,” he added with another wink. I obliged as he urged me to widen my legs and gasped in relief and anticipation when he positioned himself between my thighs. My legs were shaking, in fact all of me was, desperate for his touch.
I could barely stay upright, my legs shaking like wet noodles beneath me as Kane finally brushed his tongue over my clit a few times.
“Oh God!” I panted as I sank back against the wall and clamped my hands even tighter on his shoulders.
“Okay, Addy?” Kane asked as he pulled back and looked up.
“So okay!” I cried. “Please d-don’t stop!”
Kane smiled, then his mouth was over my clit, sucking there and making me moan in blissful delight. I lost all sense, and mindless noises poured out of me as I found the peace and joy I had asked for in the ministrations of his tongue on my clit, and his fingers now buried deep inside of me.
It didn’t take long before I was right on that peak, pushed higher and higher to it so quickly. I threw my head back and gripped Kane too tightly at his shoulders as heat and pleasure rushed over me, blocking out everything but the ecstasy I felt and the man who took me there.
“Kane,” I panted as my shaking legs gave out on me and I collapsed down the wall. He caught me, wrapping his arms around me and leading me into his lap.
“Right here, angel,” he whispered as I pressed against him and sighed contentedly. He held onto me and pecked soft kisses everywhere on my face that he could reach. When I finally felt able to open my eyes, I knew there was a huge smile on my face.
“You look so beautiful like that. Your cheeks are all flushed and I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so peaceful,” he told me
“I feel peaceful,” I agreed tiredly.
“Come on. Let’s get cleaned up and get you back to bed. You look tired again.”
“No!” I cried as I opened my eyes and sat up, meeting his eyes as shyness tangled my tongue. “I…I want you Kane, now. I’m not tired. I want you to make me yours.”
“I don’t have a condom,” he told me as he studied my face. “We don’t have to do it now, angel. I’m not going anywhere,” he hesitated.
“I’m not rushing. I know we don’t have to do it now, but I want to. I want this,” I told him with as much surety and confidence as I could muster.
“I still don’t have a condom. I didn’t….we weren’t even talking yesterday.”
“Well we’re more than talking now,” I reminded him. “And there’s a box of condoms under the sink,” I nodded through the steamed up glass towards the vanity.
“You bought condoms?” he laughed.
“I like to be prepared.” I blushed again.
“So cute,” he whispered as he leaned into kiss my lips, then rose to his feet, taking me with him. He set me down and released me slowly, like he feared I’d collapse again.
“I’m good. You made me lose the power to stand for a moment there,” I joked and we both smiled.
“I’ll have to try harder if you can already stand this fast,” he teased, then he stepped out of the shower, returning moments later with the shiny square packet we needed.
When he still looked a little unsure as he faced me again, I boldly moved, walking over to him, and placed my hands over his pecs.
“Stop looking so worried. I know things with me are bad out there,” I said as I waved toward the bedroom door, “…but in here it’s you and me, and I know damned well what I want,” I told him firmly. “And that’s you, if you didn’t know,” I added teasingly.
“I just don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to regret this later,” he admitted.
“No matter what happens, Kane, I can promise I will never ever regret this time we’re sharing right now,” I assured him. “And you would never hurt me.”
“No,” he agreed. “I wouldn’t.” He wrapped his arms around me and pulled my hips closer to his crotch. I felt his hard length press against my stomach and that need came alive even more rapidly within me all over again. He turned me so that I was under the warm spray, which was cascading from the waterfall shower head, and I had to move my hands to his shoulders to steady myself. He leaned in and down until my lips met his, kissing me slowly at first, almost languidly, like he wanted to savor every single moment. I shivered as his rough, large hands wrapped around my hips, almost fully encompassing my waist in his grip. As the heat between us sparked into an inferno, the kiss turned wilder, and I was running my hands over every inch of him I could reach. My hips moved as I searched for some friction where I needed it again. As if he felt my desperation Kane released me and pulled back just long enough to tear open the condom and get it on in one fast movement.
“Still sure?” he checked in as he grabbed my waist again and lifted me up enough for me to wrap myself around him.
“Always, when it comes to you,” I uttered as I locked my eyes on his. I needed him to believe how much I trusted him.
“Jesus, Addy. You have no idea how you make me feel when you say things like that,” he growled, then he was kissing me hard and fast as he lined himself up at my entrance. I pushed my hands into his hair and held on. I just tried to keep up with the kiss, as he totally overwhelmed me with the sensation of him filling me so full.
I threw my head back and gasped for air as he started to thrust in and out of me. It felt perfect and I lost all inhibitions and thoughts even, as I got lost in Kane.
“So good,” I gasped. “Harder Kane, please. I want all of you.” I knew he was holding back, being careful with me because he was worried about me, but I didn’t need him to do that. I had no doubts that I was safe and protected with him. I wanted all he could give me. I wanted to see who he was when he finally let go completely.
He didn’t disappoint, grabbing hold of my thighs firmly and pulling me tighter against him with every hard, punishing thrust inside of me. Our flesh was slapping together as we both seemed to get lost in the slightly wild, utterly perfect rhythm. All I could hear was the slapping of our flesh and the gasping desperation of our breathing.
“Kane!” I wailed as it all came to one incredible crescendo. There was no warning. My orgasm smashed over me like a tidal wave and my body tensed as I wrapped my arms around Kane’s shoulders and clung to him desperately, almost afraid of the strength of my pleasure.
“Let it happen, angel. I’ve got you. I’ve always got you,” he gasped close to my ear, then he tensed beneath me as he found his own release. He too cried out in a loud groan, then he just clung to me as he gently continued to thrust a few times. The movement stopped and then there was just the water spraying over us, and the frantic breathing as we both tried to come down from the high we had found.
“You okay? Did I hurt you?” he asked with concern a few moments later.
“No. Definitely not. Why would you even think that?” I asked as I turned my head and smiled lazily up at him.
“The way you grabbed me at the end. I worried that I’d hurt you or scared you.”
“I was a little scared, but only of how intense that orgasm was. I worried if I didn’t hold on, I really was going to just float away,” I explained, blushing yet again.
“Like I’d let you float off anywhere,” he scoffed. “But I’ll definitely take the compliment,” he added with a wink.
“My heart’s beating so hard,” I marveled as I just clung to him. Never wanting him to let me go. I wondered if there was some way the three of them - Kane, Jordan, and Adam – could just hold me between them and carry me around with them everywhere they went. Maybe I could face a life with the three of them always surrounding me and sheltering me from life.
“Do you feel okay? Did you take your meds yesterday?” Kane asked with panic as he looked to me.
“I’m fine, Kane. Just enjoy this moment with me, okay. We can go back to panic and worry when we have to go back out there,” I said as I nodded to the bedroom door again.
“Why does it have to be bad out there? Why can’t things stay just like they are right now, in here?” he asked.
“Because in here I can get lost in this…in us. I can block out all of the bad stuff and just focus on you and the way I feel when you touch me,” I sighed.
“You don’t feel like that when I’m close, or the others, but we’re not having sex?”
“Yeah, I guess I do,” I agreed. “Yesterday holding onto Adam and Jordan was the only thing stopping me from just drowning in all the madness in my head, but it’s different. I can’t seem to shut everything out as easily as I can when we’re like this. Out there the world is in my face. Does that make sense? All of my fears seem so much more real and the darkness, it just takes over. Like this, with you, and when I was with Jord, it just disappeared.”
“Well we’ll just have to stay like this all of the time then,” he joked. “We can switch out. We’ll make it work and I don’t think any of us are gonna complain.”
“Not sure that’s gonna work for Asher and Eli,” I laughed.
“No, probably not,” he agreed with a smile. He ran his fingers over my cheek, brushing away some wild, wet strands of hair as he studied me. “Really though, if you can make your head quiet in here, then we can work with that. We can find a way to make it quieter at least, out there too. One of us can always be with you. If you feel like you’re starting to struggle, you tell us and we can find some privacy. It doesn’t always have to be sexual. We can just strip off and hold you, like this, or maybe we’ll find other things that work. We can find a way to make things better, Addy, but you have to give us a chance to do that.”
“I know,” I agreed quietly. “I will. You asked me to fight, and I…I’m going to try, okay? I can’t fight for myself anymore. I’m too damned tired, but I’ll try for you and the others.”
“I want you to fight for yourself, but I’ll take what I can get for now,” he told me. “We need to talk with Adam and Jordan. Whatever we do, we’re going to do it together, okay?”
“I agree and maybe you can help me deal with the mess in here,” I said as I tapped my temple. “But there’s still the threat and me testifying.”
“You let Ash and I deal with that. Right now you’re going to stay safe in this house and we’re all going to help you find new ways to feel better. That’s what I need you to do. Can you give me that?”
“I’ll try.”
“Good enough for now,” Kane agreed and a warmth spread through me as he smiled a little and reached up to kiss me. I didn’t want to let him down, even if doing what he asked of me seemed completely insurmountable right then.