Forever with the Mountain Man (Mountain Man Mail Order Bride)
Chapter 1
Chapter One
FIERCE
W ho am I fooling? Felicity James will never stop ghosting me. Beyond a one- or two-word response, I have yet to converse with her. It’s starting to give me a complex.
Scrolling through her profile for the umpteenth time, images of the sexy, curvy girl steal the breath from my chest… again.
Always .
She’s the kind of beautiful that hurts to look at. The kind of beautiful I can’t look away from, either. Which means giving it another shot…
ME
Salut
How are you?
I’m on the direct messaging app for Mountain Mates Dating Site. Like Instagram or Facebook, it allows me to send messages. If the other person’s online, we can also text without exchanging phone numbers.
Even when I catch Felicity online, she never responds to me in real time. But then I see this:
FELICITY
…
Finally!
My throat tightens in anticipation, and I remind myself all this means is she’s typing. It could be to anyone. I feel like I have heartburn as I think about the possibility of her conversing with other guys. It’s irrational. After all, why else is she on this app?
Suddenly, a text bubble pops up and then another. My heart races as I painstakingly read her responses.
FELICITY
Who seriously names their kid Fierce?
That has to be a military or mafia handle, right?
ME
You don’t want to know my real name
Congratulations!
Why?
You, sir, just clinched the record for the fastest dead-end conversation I’ve ever had with a guy on Mountain Mates
For fuck’s sake! Is she ending the conversation already? Play it cool, Fierce. Whatever you do, don’t act jealous or butt hurt. Just keep the conversation flowing.
ME
Really?
Aren’t most conversations on here grunting and groaning?
Shit! That came out wrong. I clamor to add:
ME
Since mountain men are semi-evolved cavemen
FELICITY
Semi-evolved cavemen? Is that how you would describe yourself?
Do you want the answer I give to impress girls or the truth?
Clearly, you’re not trying to impress me. So, the truth
I kind of like you
Talk about the understatement of the year. But I don’t want to scare her off, and I also don’t want to admit how much she’s been on my mind over the past few weeks. It would make me sound desperate. Besides, how do you quantify falling in love with photos online?
FELICITY
3 weeks of non-stop messaging me is “kind of”?
If so, I don’t want to see your idea of full-on liking
ME
So, you are ignoring me
Maybe
Why?
You don’t want to get tangled up with a girl like me. Trust me
You speak your mind, and you’re sassy
Why not?
Thank you so very much for the validation I wasn’t looking for
You didn’t answer my question.
Trust me. What don’t you understand about that?
A lot
Well, you have yet to answer my question
What question? I look back through our exchange, my pulse pounding. The letters are all out of place, my eyes straining to process her words. It doesn’t help that I’m nervous on top of everything. Never have I cared so much about keeping a text conversation going. It’s weird.
ME
Semi-evolved caveman pretty much describes me
FELICITY
Don’t go all out selling yourself
I’m no salesman
What are you then?
A sheepherder and ranch foreman…and mountain man, of course
Is what they say about lonely shepherds and their sheep true?
The sip of whiskey I just took sprays across the screen of my cell phone, and I have to use the sleeve of my flannel shirt to wipe it away. What a firebrand! No girl ever talks to me this way.
Looking at the ceiling of my rough-hewn cabin for a moment, I try to come back with something good. Something that lets her know I can dish out as well as she can.
But I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. Never have been. As Mom or Ama would say, “If you don’t have a good head, then you better have good legs.” Legs won’t help me now, though. Instead, I go for sarcasm.
ME
Yeah, but I’m looking for something more fulfilling
The pillow talk is baaaaa-d
FELICITY
Bwahaha! You have a sense of humor
I’ve been accused of that before
Are these your real photos?
Do you like what you see?
Do you want the answer I give when I’m trying to impress a guy or the truth?
Touché
What, are you into fencing or something?
If mending fences counts
It would be a good skill to have with someone like me because I’m awful with relationships. I mean, duh, why else am I on here?
My heart pounds against my ribs as I flip through her profile pictures again. She has long brown hair with dark blond highlights that fall to her middle back and the most voluptuous figure I’ve seen in a while. Big tits, large hips, and an ass and thighs that make my mouth water. If these are, indeed, her photos.
ME
To meet a mountain man
Besides, you only have to be good with relationships once to be happy
FELICITY
Perpetual romantic. Are you telling me all I had to do is find a guy who’s into sheep?
No, all you had to do is stop ignoring me
…
The wait for her answer feels interminable. Have I said too much? My stomach roils as I watch the three dots that indicate she’s typing without seeing a response.
She must be conversing with other guys. It shouldn’t surprise me. She’s the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen on Mountain Mates. Maybe ever, although I reserve my final opinion for meeting in person. If we ever meet in person.
Over the past three months, I’ve given Mountain Mates a serious go with few results. That’s not to say there aren’t great catches on the app. But none of them are Felicity.
Maybe I’m a little enthusiastic about this woman. But I’ve got a limited amount of time to find my forever girl before my parents send for a wife for me from Euskal Herria, better known as Basque Country.
ME
Was I too blunt? Wouldn’t be the first time
FELICITY
No, I like your bluntness, actually
Be careful what you wish for
The line between blunt and crass is thin with me
I’m fine with crass. Give me your best shot.
She doesn’t know what she’s asking for.
FELICITY
I was just taking another look at your photos. Don’t tell me you got a body like this from mending fences
ME
And building and maintaining log cabins
throwing hay bales
transporting sacks of feed
digging gardens
chopping firewood
clearing land
shoveling shit
carrying lambs
sheering sheep
hiking thousands of feet
Shall I go on?
It takes me forever to type out this list and check my answers before pressing send because my fucked up eyes keep twisting the letters. FaceTime, please?
But my gut tells me we’re not at this point yet. It’s a big step, after all. She has to trust me enough to give me her number. Or I have to trust her enough to fess up to my severe dyslexia…
FIERCE
It’s a good life. One that builds muscles
FELICITY
Have you seriously looked at my photos?
Many times, actually
I struggle with which emoji to add at the end. At first, I feel bold and think about going with or . But I decide to play it safe, sticking to humor.
ME
FELICITY
Yikes! Don’t look too closely. I’m not a model or anything
Her response astounds me. The woman’s drop-dead gorgeous. The kind of gorgeous that has me dreaming about her at night, and these dreams aren’t of the G-rated sort.
Still, I waver about what to write back. I don’t want to seem overly interested and scare her away. Then, again, I’m running out of time, and I’ve never been good at playing games. So, I decide on a measured response.
ME
Wtf?!?! You’re hotter than hell
FELICITY
I’ve scared her. Great.
ME
Wrong answer?
FELICITY
Up until now, you seemed like a decent guy. But I can’t get behind lying. Hasta la vista
Wait! I’m not lying
…
Look what you’ve done, dumbass! They say no news is good news. But if Felicity doesn’t respond to my text, I’m going to feel like a piece of shit. Weeks of persistence and unfounded hope negated with one careless response.
While I don’t know what I did today to get her to start speaking to me in real time, the helplessness of it ending at a moment’s notice grips me. I stare at my phone for an eternity, my eyes flicking back to her photos as I kick myself for my exuberance.
ME
Felicity, I can tell you’re still on the app, thanks to the little green button
Please don’t ignore me
FELICITY
Please don’t lie to me.
I’m not lying. I swear on my great-grandmother’s grave
I don’t even know who my great-grandparents are…
I let out a long sigh mixed with guilt and relief. Guilt for using an ancestor this way. Relief she hasn’t given up on me yet.
Spying a little button on the app that looks like it has something to do with accessibility, I click on it. My eyes seriously need a break, so I select the dictation option from the pull-down menu that appears.
ME
May I ask you a question?
FELICITY
Shoot.
Why are you having trouble believing that I find you attractive?
I’m going to need a little more than that.
We’ve been all about stating the obvious in this conversation, so I guess I’ll stick with that trend. Because I’m fat, plus-size, overweight, obese…whatever you prefer to call it.
Because you have big hips and a round ass?
You could put it that way, too
“At least you don’t have a pair of fucked up eyes that I want to burn out of my head! ” I grumble to myself, my voice intensifying as I finish the statement.
Frustration grips me, and I scrub them with the palms of my hands. This is why I’ll never be an educated man or much into books. Maybe it’s a lost cause with her being a writer and all.
When I look back at the screen, I realize with a sinking feeling that the app automatically sent my next response, dictating my last words with a hefty dose of auto-correct.
FIERCE
And a pair of thick thighs that I want to bury my head
FELICITY
Between?
Fuck! What have I done?!
FELICITY
You really are a caveman, aren’t you?
I’m sweating bullets now. I turn off the dictation option. What a fucking disaster!
ME
Would you believe an auto-correct problem?
FELICITY
Uh no
Sorry
So, you don’t want to do that?
Shit, she’s playing with me now. Like a cat kills a field mouse, slowly and painfully. I try to reroute the conversation.
ME
Smart, patient, and funny. What’s not to like about you?
FELICITY
Since I’m on a dating site, I’ll spare you that very long list
Now, I don’t believe you
I shake my head. How is she still talking to me after that dictation fail? She wasn’t lying when she said she liked blunt and crass. My cock strains against the zipper of my Wrangler’s, ready to suggest a few more topics of conversation.
Swiping through her photos again, I feel my pulse race. She’s as stunning as they come—big blue doe eyes, long dark lashes, immaculately-groomed, arched brows, lush, full, cherry-stung lips, a heart-shaped face with dimples in her full, pink cheeks, a perky, slightly upturned nose, and a cleft in her chin that begs for a good kissing.
FELICITY
Are you always this straightforward?
ME
Only when it comes to things I want
Ready for some honesty?
Shoot
I want you
But you barely know me
I know enough. If these photos of you are real?
Of course, they’re real. Finding stock photos of plus-size girls isn’t the easiest endeavor, after all. Call it a general lack of representation
Does looking through stock photos and thinking about representation come with your job?
Gosh, this is a rambling conversation! Yes, it does. As a content creator, I’m constantly looking for images to go with the posts I promote
You know, I should go to confession tomorrow and tell the priest what you made me say
Actually, what Mountain Mates’ fucked up dictation option made me say, but we don’t need to get technical.
FELICITY
ME
I need a different emoji from you. That one makes me feel self-conscious
Is it a problem that I’m not Catholic?
For me, no
I’m a hellion
I go to church to please my mom
Oh, great, a mama’s boy. No thank you
No, I’m only answering your question
You’d have to secretly be a traditional Basque woman to please my mom and aunts
Does living in Pau for a year and speaking French count? Otherwise, you’re out of luck
I saw that in your profile. How did you end up there?
I’m originally from Nevada, tons of Basque there, though I’m not among them. And UNR does exchange programs with Pau, where I studied French lit and history. I have a double major in French and anthro
UNR?
University of Nevada Reno
Whoa, you’re educated. You do realize you’re talking to a blue-collar man who barely finished high school?
One who reads and writes at the pace of a first-grader. If I hadn’t been the star linebacker, and the team hadn’t needed me to win state, I likely would never have graduated at all.
FELICITY
Yes, that’s fine. You’re an entrepreneur
But for the record and before this goes any further…I will never become Catholic or Basque. So, speak up now or forever hold your peace
FIERCE
Wait, isn’t that what they say at weddings?
It is
And for the record, I will never get more educated or smarter than I already am, which isn’t saying much
You’re smart enough to be funny. That’s all that matters to me
I smile broadly. She has not relegated me to the idiot heap after all.
ME
We’ll see what the priest has to say about what really matters
FELICITY
Wait, you’re serious about confession?
Maybe
You’re incorrigible
It’s your pictures’ fault
Your curvy body’s fault
My dirty mind’s fault
But my poor, innocent tongue will be saying the Hail Marys
My guess is your tongue’s the dirtiest part of you
I’ll let you be the judge of that
I still don’t get it, though
Get what?
Get why you’ve been so persistent over the past few weeks to talk to me when you knew all along this couldn’t go anywhere because of your family
They won’t like it
But I never said it won’t go anywhere
So, you’re telling me you’d risk your family’s disapproval and the priest’s consternation for a girl like me?
Yes, I’m a 36 y o man with my own mind
I make my own decisions, too
And what makes you think I’d want to put up with the kind of welcome you just laid out? A family who hates me? A church that wants nothing to do with me?
A man who would do anything to make you happy
Sorry, but you don’t know me well enough to make statements like that
True. Give me a chance to get to know you better?
It says here you were a linebacker for the Hollister Bobcats. So, you still live in the town you grew up in?
Yes
Well, good luck with the priest tomorrow
Bixintxo Garaile Indar Amestoy
A new emoji, please
That’s my name btw
Does it have a meaning?
Something like Fierce
Noted. I’ll stick with your nickname in that case.
One last thing. I’m not all that religious or anything. But why not wait until you have something really juicy to confess before visiting your priest?
I start to type a lengthy response about how it doesn’t quite work that way. But then I stop, realizing I’m putting way too much work into this. And I’m also coming across as boring as hell.
FIERCE
When?
FELICITY
When what?
When are we meeting in person?
We should defiantly hang out
Defiantly? Not sure about that
Dammit! My dyslexia strikes again. I meant definitely. This is far from the first time I’ve made that mistake. Just ask any of my brothers…
And as quickly as the last message hits my cellphone, the green dot by her profile disappears. I read through the conversation again slowly, laughing at the funny parts and rubbing my hand over my chest at the end.
I’ll stick with your nickname in that case .
Future tense.
Between that and the winking emoji, I’m pretty damn sure I’ll hear from Felicity again. Despite the monumental fuck up… or maybe because of it. One thing’s for sure. She won’t forget me so easily after this conversation.