Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
He could do this. As March wore on, Bax was certain he could ignore all the other stresses and pressures surrounding him and Nick to build a meaningful, lasting relationship. The two of them were so compatible on so many levels. The more they got to know each other, the more it was clear they had the same sense of humor, the same love of nature, and the same outlook on the world. Nick respected his beliefs and showed interest in learning about them, and he was dynamite in bed, no matter what he thought about himself.
That was possibly the best surprise of those early days of their relationship. For a man who didn’t think he was particularly sensual and who had zero experience with other men before Bax came along, Nick was everything he craved in a sexual partner. His inexperience made him eager to please, which meant he held nothing back. There were a few times when Bax had been worried they would break the bed with their energy. Every time Nick apologized for accidentally leaving bruises, Bax assured him that he loved it.
But there were other, little things that started to creep in and ruin what should have been an amazing time in their relationship. That morning when Nick had rushed out of Bax’s bed because his kids woke up wasn’t a one-time occurrence. In fact, it quickly got to the point where they didn’t bother trying to make love in the morning because the kids would inevitably call Nick away.
Then things reached a point where Nick decided it wasn’t such a great idea for him to spend the entire night in Blaine’s bed after all.
“You’re more than welcome to join me over at mine,” he said as he balanced himself over Bax a few minutes after they’d finished, once the snuggly afterglow had worn off. “I wouldn’t say no to a guest in that big, cold bed.”
Bax grinned up at him reaching up to caress Nick’s face. His tired heart was heavy, though. “Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yes,” Nick said, lowering his big, strong body over Bax’s so that he could kiss him and press their flesh together.
It was one of those head-spinning kisses that Bax loved, and even though he’d just come not ten minutes before, his cock was starting to perk up again.
Until Nick pushed himself up again and said, “Of course, you’d have to have pajamas. Jordan can get out of his crib and has been wandering into my room lately. I think Macy is just about to figure out how to get free, too. They could show up in bed between us at any second, so pajamas are a necessity and canoodling is probably out.”
Bax blew out a breath and sagged. “I might stay here, then,” he said, still trying to smile. “I’m knackered anyhow. I think I’ll just sleep.”
Nick’s face pinched for a second, like he was well aware of the problem that kept wedging its way between them. He didn’t say anything about it, though. They both knew the middle of the night, just after sex, wasn’t the time to address the elephant in the room.
That elephant would have to be addressed at some point, Bax knew. He could do this, he could have a relationship with a sexy, single father, but as time wore on and he spent more nights sleeping alone, his positive mantra grew more and more strained.
“You look a bit tired,” Callum told him a week before Ostara, when the two of them ran into each other in the front hall of Hawthorne House. “Staying up late with your man?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.
Bax laughed, but he wasn’t amused by the question.
“I’ve just had a lot of work lately,” he said, rubbing his face in a bid to shake the tired off. “Who would have thought it was so difficult to get an LGBTQ-supporting accounting firm off the ground?”
“Oh!” Callum perked up. “Are you starting your own firm? Do you need clients? Because I’m part of the Surrey and Kent LGBTQ Small Business Association, and I can think of loads of people who would be happy as Larry to hire one of our own to service all their accounting needs.”
A swoop of dread pooled in Bax’s stomach. He’d deliberately avoided asking Callum for help because of Nick’s insecurities. But here Callum was, offering him what could be a golden opportunity to make his dream business a success.
Instinct and the part of him that cared deeply for Nick and didn’t want to do anything to hurt him warned him not to take Callum up on his offer. But another, older part of him urged him to accept the help. Three months ago, he would have leapt at Callum’s offer without hesitation. The man he’d been when he and Damien split, when he committed to starting this new life, wouldn’t have waited or let someone else’s feelings interfere with what could be a vital business decision.
It felt a little too much like Nick was holding him back. In more ways than one.
“Yeah,” Bax said at last, giving up his moral struggle and opting to pretend it was purely a business decision. “I’d love your help with the business association.”
“Excellent,” Callum said, clapping a hand on Bax’s shoulder. “I’ll send you a message with the link to the association, and if you give me your information, I’ll pass it along to a few blokes I know.”
“I appreciate it,” Bax said, shoulders dropping. Callum’s hand still rested on one of his shoulders, and it felt like a weight of defeat.
Worse still, Rafe happened to be walking from the classroom hallway toward the office, and his eyebrows went up as he spotted Callum touching him.
“You know,” Callum went on, not noticing that they had an audience, “Ostara is this Friday. We’re beginning celebrations on Friday evening and carrying them into the weekend. I’ve invited you before and I know you have other plans, but it really would be a joy to have you join us.”
He moved his thumb slightly as he pulled his hand back, brushing it against Bax’s neck. The subtle movement was deliberate. Callum’s invitation was clearly for more than just an Ostara picnic.
“We’ll see,” Bax said with a tight smile, then took a step back.
He and Callum said their goodbyes, and as soon as Callum left, Bax headed for the office. His smile dropped, and a whirlwind of anxious thoughts hit him. The man he’d been before coming to Hawthorne House would have jumped at Callum’s invitation. And not the one to join his coven for Ostara, or permanently. He would have bent over and offered Callum his arse in a heartbeat back in the fall. They’d been together before, and Bax’s memories of those nights were good.
“Ouch,” Rafe said as Bax walked into the office kitchen to grab a tea.
Bax was so lost in his thoughts that he flinched a little and snapped his gaze up to meet Rafe’s eyes guiltily.
“You look like a man staring down the barrel of a moral dilemma,” Rafe went on, leaning against the edge of the counter as the kettle boiled.
“Down the barrel?” Bax blinked, trying to divert the inevitable conversation. “You’ve been in America too long.”
Rafe shrugged. “The metaphor seems appropriate,” he said. “Since what I saw out there has the potential to blow your head off.”
Bax desperately wanted to argue his innocence and tell his cousin that nothing untoward was going on. The trouble was, he couldn’t.
“I don’t know what to do,” he confessed in a tired voice, leaning against the perpendicular counter and rubbing both hands over his face.
“If you’re done with Nick, you owe it to him, to all of us, to end it quickly and easily instead of dragging him along,” Rafe said in a surprisingly firm voice.
Bax let his hands drop and stared at Rafe, forlorn. “I don’t want to end things with Nick. I love Nick. I really do.”
“Have you said the words?” Rafe asked.
“Yes, actually,” Bax straightened a bit. “A couple weeks ago. And frequently since then. And I mean them, too. I’ve never met anyone like Nick. I’ve never met anyone who feels so much like the perfect man for me. He’s kind and good, creative and funny when he wants to be, and between you and me, he’s amazing in bed.”
Rafe looked surprised for a second before frowning again. “He’s one of the best men I know,” he said. “Raina picked a good one. If you hurt him, her ghost is going to haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Bax winced. “I know,” he said. “I don’t want to hurt Nick. Believe me, I don’t.”
“But?” Rafe asked.
Bax sighed. “I feel like I’m lost somewhere in this relationship. It’s not at all what I’m used to.”
“Let me guess,” Rafe said with a lopsided grin. “You’re used to sunshine and moonbeams, sex at every hour of the day and night, and you and your boyfriend being the center of each other’s worlds.”
Bax felt sick with guilt at how easily his cousin had pegged him. “Is that really so wrong?” he asked, playing devil’s advocate with himself. “I’m a man with needs and a life. I’m used to a different pace of life, different expectations.”
“Yeah, and you’re dating a man with two small children,” Rafe said.
“Trust me, I know,” Bax said.
He winced at how harsh those few words had sounded. They made him sound like a selfish brat.
He let out a breath and leaned forward as the kettle clicked and started making himself a tea. “I am well aware of how selfish I sound right now,” he said, not looking at Rafe, who was watching him intently. “I love Nick’s kids, Raina’s kids. They’re already related to me by blood. I just never thought I’d be in any sort of parental position. I imagined myself having a much more adult life.”
“Nick probably imagined that, too,” Rafe said.
Bax sent him a flat, sideways look as he took the bag out of his tea. That thought had never occurred to him, which made him feel even more selfish. Of course Nick had wanted an adult life before the kids came along. “You’re not helping here,” he said.
Rafe laughed unexpectedly. “What do you want me to say? That you’re in danger of ruining a really good thing?”
“I’m not going to ruin it,” Bax said, throwing his teabag into the compost bin on the counter a little too forcefully. “I know it’s a good thing. It’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”
“So?” Rafe said, twisting to make his own tea.
Bax sighed. “So this isn’t who I thought I was. It isn’t necessarily who I want to be.”
Rafe grinned and shook his head. “How old are you, Bax? Twenty-five?”
“Twenty-six,” Bax mumbled.
“And aren’t you always talking about the natural flow and change of the seasons and all that Pagan shit?”
Bax clenched his jaw. “Are you making fun of my faith or just using it to make a point?”
“Using it to make a point,” Rafe said without pause. “And that point is that seasons change. You’re young, but maturity is creeping in on you. You need to change with the seasons and accept that life looks different for different people at different phases.”
He had a point. But Bax rejected the idea that just because you got older you had to give up freedom and spontaneity.
“I love Nick,” he said, both in reply to Rafe and to circle back around to his own thoughts. “I think I could love him a lot more. We’re really good together. And just because he’s a father in his thirties doesn’t mean he has to be a slave to his responsibilities.”
“Um, when those responsibilities are toddlers, yes, he does,” Rafe said.
“How would you know?” Bax snapped, more irritated than he should be. “You’re not a father. You’ve been an international playboy, traveling the world blowing glass, and probably anyone with a sparkle in their eyes for you.”
Instead of getting angry with him, Rafe grinned like a Cheshire cat. “You’ve been waiting ages to use that one, haven’t you.”
Rafe’s humorous response took some of the edge off Bax’s frustration and he smiled. “Of course I have. It’s too good not to use.”
Rafe laughed and finished stirring sugar into his tea. Then he left the mug where it was and turned to give Bax a surprise hug. “Relationships are hard,” he said. “The best ones take even more work than the crappy ones because they mean more. You and Nick are perfect for each other, but that doesn’t mean everything will be easy at every step of the way. I’m sure the two of you can figure this out.”
Bax hugged his cousin back, willing his words to be true, even though uncertainty still gripped his gut. “How did you get so smart about relationships?” he asked. “You hate commitment.”
“I despise it,” Rafe said, letting Bax go. “I’d rather be dangled out one of the attic windows by my balls then get involved in anything resembling a serious relationship.”
Bax laughed. Rafe was one of the more commitment-phobic members of the Hawthorne family, as his long string of exes showed.
He was about to say something to tease Rafe about it when Nick came striding into the office kitchen with an ancient book open in his hands and an excited look on his face.
“Bax, there you are,” he said, glancing from whatever was on the pages of his book to Bax with a smile. “I found this amazing book in the old library. It’s Victorian or something, and it’s all about ancient folk traditions. Which is the polite, Victorian way of saying it’s about Pagan holidays. It’s given me some ideas for how we could celebrate Ostara.”
Bax’s insides did about two dozen sorts of pinchy, flippy things at the force of Nick’s smile and his energy. “Really?” he asked. “What does it say?”
He peeked sideways at Rafe, who slipped subtly out of the room wearing a teasing grin.
“It talks about a lot of things that people used to do to welcome the spring back in ancient times,” Nick went on, not noticing the deliberate way Rafe left them alone. “And if the Victorians were calling the times ancient, they probably really were.”
Bax hummed and shifted so he could stand by Nick’s side and slide an arm around his waist so the two of them could look at the book together. Nick, in turn, shifted the book to his other hand so he could wrap his arm around Bax’s shoulders. Bax breathed in his smokey, spicy scent and snuggled into his warmth.
“The book talks about painting eggs and hiding them, which isn’t a surprise at all,” Nick said as the two of them stood together, looking at the yellowed pages of the book. “What do you think about this idea of making flower crowns and garlands, too? And making a special bed in the garden to plant seeds in. I think the kids would love playing in the dirt as they planted seeds. It would be a great way to get them involved that wouldn’t detract from what the adults could be doing.”
Bax sucked in a breath as his heart pounded against his ribs. Nick was trying so hard to accommodate him and to get the entire family involved. He was a horrible, rotten person for even considering breaking things off just because he couldn’t have everything his way all the time.
“If you’re alright with your babies getting mud in every crevasse and cranny, then I think it would be a great idea to involve them,” he said. If he said it enough times, he might actually start believing it, too.
Nick pivoted to grin at him. “If they get messy, that just means we can clean them up,” he said. “And then put them to bed and take a nice, long, hot bath of our own.”
Bax couldn’t help but smile at that. Nick had yet to master the art of a subtle, sexy grin. He looked more like a bear who found himself a ball to play with, but Bax loved it. More than that, it was the thought that counted.
“I love the idea of a bath,” he said. He plucked the book out of Nick’s hands and set it on the counter along with his forgotten tea, then shifted to embrace Nick tightly. “I love the idea of you naked however I can get you.”
“I like that, too,” Nick said, dipping down to kiss him.
Bax melted as heat infused him. Nick had become such a good kisser.
At the same time, the tension of what he wanted and reality pulled hard within him. The guilt he felt was crushing. Nick was trying so hard and here he was, grumbling and complaining because he couldn’t have the man he loved more and more with every passing day all to himself.
“So what do you think?” Nick asked when he ended their kiss and pulled back. He reached for the book again. “Should we plan for a whole Ostara celebration with the entire Hawthorne family? You could lead the ritual part of it, like you did with Imbolc.”
Bax smiled. “Yeah, let’s go for it,” he said. “I love all these ideas, flowers, planting, and all. And maybe once the kids have gone to bed and we’ve had our bath, we could dive deep into some fertility rituals as well.” He wiggled his eyebrows for good measure.
Nick laughed and leaned in to steal another kiss. “You’re on,” he said. “I’m going to go see if there’s a good spot to make a garden. I’ll see you later for supper.”
Bax leaned toward him, hoping for another kiss as Nick turned to go, but Nick was too absorbed in his thoughts to see what he wanted.
It felt a little too on the nose for Bax. His smile dropped and all the uncertainty that he thought he’d just chased away sank back on him.
He could do this. Really, he could. He could learn to set aside the intensity of his wants and needs, and he could learn to be a better man for Nick.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, shattering his confidence in those thoughts. His stomach dropped even farther as he held his phone up and saw an incoming message from Callum with a link to the Surrey and Kent LGBTQ Small Business Association. The text came complete with a set of emojis of bunnies, Easter eggs, flowers, and a single heart. The invitation there was clear.
Bax shoved his phone back in his pocket without answering the message. He grabbed his now cool tea and chucked the lot of it into the sink before slamming the button on the kettle to heat it again a little too hard.
He couldn’t do this. Love shouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t mean sacrificing everything he was and wanted to be. The things that he wanted mattered, too.