20. KOA
20
KOA
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I scrub my hands through my hair as Sydney marches out the door. Why didn’t I tell her earlier? I should have fucking told her the minute she walked into my room, but my dumbass didn’t do it.
I rip my phone off the charger and scroll through the messages until I reach the last one.
FaeAtHeart
Fuck you for making me believe in us again.
I’m not letting her go without giving me a chance to explain why I did it. I need her to hear me out. I snatch a shirt out of my closet and throw on some shoes. Grabbing my keys off the dresser, I race out the door.
I’m grateful the drive to her dorm is short. The more time I spend in my head, the worse I imagine the outcome of this conversation. If she even gives me a chance to tell my side of the story.
I release a deep exhale when I reach her door. It does nothing to soothe my nerves like I hoped it would. I knock a few times but no one answers. It’s eerie how silent the hallway is.
I knock harder and give the door knob a try. Of course she remembers to lock the door today. “Sydney!” I knock again. “I know you’re in there. Please open up. Let me explain.”
The silence is deafening. I lean my head against the door. “I’m not leaving until you open the door. If that means I’m sleeping in the hallway tonight, I will.” I press my palm against the door. “Please, baby.”
The lock on the door clicks and I stop breathing for a moment. Sydney opens the door and my heart shatters seeing her puffy, bloodshot eyes.
“I opened the door. You can leave now.” She pushes on the door to close it, but I move in front of the door jam, blocking her.
“Five minutes. Give me five minutes. Please,” I beg.
She spins on her heel and stomps over to the back of the couch. I close the door but leave it unlocked. As much as I want her to be trapped with me forever, I don’t want her to feel that way right now.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“Not good enough.” Her arms wrap around her middle as she leans against the couch.
“I know it’s not. You need to understand that my intentions were never to hurt you. I was going to tell you the truth. I tried to confess a few times.”
Her laugh is wicked. “I guess the moment passed and you what? Forgot to mention it before my hand was wrapping around your cock? Fool me once…” she says, her voice trailing off into manic laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” she says, sobering. “Just thinking about something Charlie said.” Her eyes narrow. “You’re running out of time.”
“I’m only sorry for not telling you. I should have said something a lot sooner. I’m not sorry for doing it. You have to understand.”
“Actually I don’t. I don’t have to do anything.”
My head drops along with my heart. I clear my throat in an attempt to reset my emotions. “I joined the forum three years ago,” I confess. Sydney gasps and her eyes widen. “We were eating breakfast and the notification popped up on your phone. It took me a while to figure out what it was, but once I did, I made an account.”
Sydney stares at the ground near her feet. I pray she’s listening to me and not busy planning my murder in her mind. There is no doubt that she could pull it off with the help of Lauren and Wren.
“I missed you. You were carving out a new life here at school with Lauren. I was running out of excuses to check up on you. I was desperate to feel connected to you in some way. I stayed anonymous until recently.”
“Why now? Why that screen name?”
I take a step toward her and she flinches. Fuck . I wince and my hands curl into fists. I inhale and exhale a deep breath, forcing my body to relax and find a peaceful center. I don’t want her scared of me now, or ever.
“I’ve left comments anonymously on your posts from the first day I joined. I needed that connection to you. Why now?” I shrug. “Why not now? I’ve spent a lot of time wishing I could be with you. This made me feel like I was.”
“And the name?”
“You said once years ago ‘ I don’t want some average Joe for a boyfriend .’ It was right after your breakup with that idiot Wilson.”
“I remember,” she whispers.
“That’s all I could think of at the time. It was a silly name. The nineteen is for the first day I saw you. I’ll never forget that day. It’s also the password on my phone and why I wear the number on my back every time I step onto a baseball field.”
She inhales a deep breath and tips her face toward the ceiling. “A sweet username isn’t going to win you any points. You’ve had an unfair advantage. You knew you were talking to me and could manipulate the conversation. I told you things I’ve never said to anyone.”
“Unfair advantage.” I scoff, pacing the floor. “Do you know what’s unfair? Seeing you every day and not being able to talk to you. Really talk to you.”
I stop in front of her, allowing her warm vanilla scent to finally help me calm down. Not giving her the option to look away, I say, “Unfair is existing in the same world as you and not being able to enjoy all the benefits of being yours. I couldn’t hold you, or comfort you. I didn’t get to know how your day was or the opportunity to help make it better.”
She swipes at the tears rolling down her cheeks. I hate that she’s crying right now. Taking a step toward her, I cup her face in my hands. Her lower lip trembles. “You wouldn’t talk to me but you would talk to him.”
“You could have come to me,” she says, removing my hands from her face. “You could have told me how you felt about me. Instead, you snuck around behind my back pretending to be someone else. You claim being near me was difficult because I wasn’t yours, yet you still did it. Why? Why not just let me go? We could have both moved on.”
“Moving on? That was never going to happen. We all had our ways of coping. You coped by dating other guys to get over me. This was how I coped.”
“What do you mean?”
“Mithridatism,” I state. I read about it in one of her books once.
“Mithridatism?”
“I tried to become immune to you. I took a little bit of you everyday to build up an immunity. Thinking eventually you wouldn’t have an effect on me. That maybe at some point in my life I would have one day I wasn't absolutely desperate for you.”
“Are you saying I’m a poison?” Her eyes narrow.
“No. Turns out there was no way I could become immune to you because you were the antidote. You’re the cure to everything that is wrong. You’re the light in the darkness. You’re the reason I have more good days than bad ones. Tell me what I have to do. We said we aren’t going to run anymore.”
“Don’t you dare throw that in my face.” She points a finger in my direction. “That was said before I knew you were lying to me.”
“Nothing I said to you were lies. It was all my truths said behind an alias. Would you have listened to me if it had been me? I’m lucky I got you to go out with me.”
“Yes, you are,” she snarks.
Her sass makes me smile. I take her hands in mine. “I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is begging you to forgive me and asking for another chance. You are it for me. I’m not going to stop, Syd. I won’t lose you again. I lo—”
“Don’t say it. Not now.” Her eyes close tight and leave wrinkles in the corners. “This is not love.” She releases a slow breath. “It’s too painful. I can’t keep doing this to myself. Today, the date in the park, everything, it was a mistake. We’re a mistake.”
My heart plummets to my stomach. I feel like I’m freefalling through the sky without a parachute. It’s not easy to hear words you said years ago thrown back into your face. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do. We’ve become toxic. I think it’s best if we call it before we hurt each other anymore. You have your baseball career to look forward to and I have my life in North Carolina,” she says, her eyes shining with unshed tears.
“No.” I shake my hand. “I’ve made mistakes. Me.” I pound my fist into my chest. “But, baby, you and me.” I drop my head to hers. “You and I are not a mistake.” Intertwining our fingers, I give her hands a gentle squeeze. “I never believed that.”
“I need time,” she says, softly. “You need to give me space to think about what I really want. I need to do that without being under the influence of you.”
“I’ll be gone the next two nights for games. I know it’s not a lot of time, but can I call you when I get back and check on you? I don't need your answer. I just want to hear your voice and make sure you’re okay.”
She nods slowly. “I think that would be fine.”
“Good.” I kiss the top of her head. “I can’t go back to pretending I’m nothing more than a family friend with you.” Wrapping my arms around her, I hold her so close you can’t tell where I start and she begins. I pull back and cup the side of her neck in my hand. “I know you don’t want to hear this right now but know that I do feel a certain way about you. I always have. I pray one day you will let me tell you just how far that feeling goes.” I lean down and give her a chaste kiss on the lips.
“You should go,” she says, wiping at her face and then wrapping her fluffy pink robe tighter around her middle. The words are a dull knife to my chest.
“Alright. I’ll check in with you in a few days. You promise you’ll answer?” I ask. She nods as her eyes fill with more tears.
“I don’t like leaving you alone like this.” I hesitate by the front door.
“I’m fine. Lauren will be home later.” She opens the door and I reluctantly walk out.
I stand outside her door, hoping it will fling open after having a quick change of heart. I don’t know how much time has passed but she never comes back out.
“Are you okay?” Wren asks from behind me.
“Never better,” I reply, faking a smile. Pushing away from the door, I turn toward Wren.
“Wyatt is forcing me to watch the entire Miss Congeniality series tonight. If you want to suffer with me while he says every line from the movies along with the actors, I wouldn’t mind having backup.”
“I don’t think I’ll be the best company right now.” I glance at Sydney’s door.
“That’s okay. Wyatt isn’t either most days.” Wren walks toward the stairs, but I’m still hesitating. “Give her the time she needs to come to the conclusion you already know. You can’t force it. Her heart will lead her back to you.”
Wren waits for me to take the first step before she continues toward the stairs. The whole drive home I keep thinking about what Wren said and hoping she’s right.
That Sydney’s heart will lead her back to me where she belongs.
“Someone going to tell me why we’re here again?” Wyatt asks, staring at the flashing neon light in the window.
“Because Koa needs a little tattoo therapy and we need something to remember our last year at Newhouse together,” Hart says, grabbing Wyatt by the shoulders and pushing him through the door I’m holding open for them.
“I’ve got lots of memories right here.” Wyatt taps the side of his head. “I don’t need to stick a needle in my arm a million times to remind me what it was like living with the two of you the last four years.”
“What about something for Wren?” I ask.
“Do you think she would like that?” he asks, scanning the flash art on the wall.
“ Sí , mí brujita loves all my ink.” Hart lifts one of his tattooed arms.
Wyatt grunts, flinching every now and then when the sound of a tattoo gun starts up.
“What can I do for you gentlemen this evening?”
“Do you have time for a few walk-ins?” I ask. It’s our last night in New Orleans. A lot of the guys from the team went out drinking but we didn’t find that appealing without our girls with us.
“If you only have time for two tonight, I’ll bow out,” Wyatt tells the guy with a nervous smile, making him laugh .
“It’s your lucky night, young man. We can take all three of you.” He smirks at Wyatt.
“Goody.” Wyatt grimaces under his mustache.
“I can take one of you now if you’re ready,” the man says.
“I’m ready.” I step forward.
He nods. “I’ll let Jude and Scottie know you’re waiting for them,” he tells Hart and Wyatt. Then he leads me back to his private tattooing area. There’s black and white artwork covering the walls and a set of cabinets in the corner.
“Take a seat.” He points to the black tattoo chair. He sits on a rolling stool and wheels himself in front of me. “The name is Axle.”
“Koa.” I shake his hand.
“What do you have in mind?”
I open up my photo album and flip through a few photos until I find the one I’m looking for. “Can you do something similar to this?”
He takes my phone and examines the photo, enlarging it and moving it around. “Same spot?”
“Yes. And the words. I want the words. You can do it in your style, but maybe keep it all the same place?”
“Let me sketch something up and see what you think.” He pushes off the floor and glides over to the cabinets. He slides over a sketchbook and grabs a pen from a skull mug sitting in the corner.
I wait patiently while he draws up a rough sketch. Next door I can hear Wyatt talking to his tattoo artist. A loud scream echoes through the room a second after the tattoo gun starts to buzz.
Two minutes later Wyatt ducks his head into my room. “I’m all done,” he says, holding up his wrist that is wrapped in a white bandage. “I’ll be waiting out here if you need me.”
“Son, it might be awhile. There’s an ice cream shop next door. Why don’t you treat yourself to a sundae? You were a very brave boy today,” Axle says, barely keeping a straight face.
I cover my mouth with my hand and choke back a laugh.
“I was a brave boy,” Wyatt agrees. Axle opens a drawer and starts digging around. He pulls out his tattoo gun.
Wyatt’s eyes go wide. “If you need me, I’ll be next door. Please don’t need me.” He spins on his boot and speed walks toward the door.
Axle chuckles as he places the tattoo gun back in the drawer. “He’s a jittery one,” he says, then gets back to his sketch.
My nerves are starting to get the best of me too. Not about the tattoo. I knew the minute I saw the finished painting it was going to have a permanent spot on my body. That’s why I asked her to snap a photo for me.
I’m worried about my chat with Sydney. I miss her like fucking crazy and I’m afraid she'll ask for more time or be done for good. I’m willing to give her as much time as she needs. I’m just hoping I don’t have to.
“What do you think about this?” Axle asks, holding up the sketchpad.
“It’s perfect,” I say, swallowing the emotions attached to the image he’s holding up.
“Sit tight. I’ll get everything ready.” He leaves me alone with my thoughts.
Less than forty-eight hours and I’ll have the answer I’ve been waiting for. I would be lying if I said it’s been easy waiting. I’ve done my best to respect her request for space but if she thinks I’m going to just sit by and not continue to show her how much I love her, she would need to think again.
Now that I’ve had her back in my arms, I will never give up on us. I’ll keep trying to prove to her we were never a mistake and I’m someone she can depend on.