Free

Chapter 3

THREE

Nick

2 and a half years ago

Dear Charlie,

I can’t remember the last time I wrote a letter. Does anyone do it anymore? I mean, there’s email and text and video chat. It’s your care packages that put the idea in my head. You take so much time putting them together and I feel, I don’t know, special, when one arrives. I wanted to do something to make you feel the same.

Today was weird. It’s always unsettling. The first day of a deployment. Time differences. Climate differences. Personnel differences. Usually, I just, I don’t know, disconnect? Flip a switch? I turn off family, friends, history, future. It’s like I’m born the moment we touch tarmac. Not a brand new Nick Hutton, but a moment-to-moment Nick Hutton. I don’t think I could do what I do if I let myself think about what I stand to lose.

But you’ve kind of changed that.

You’re halfway across the world, and I still feel like you’re the only person in the room. In other words, you’ve been on my mind nonstop.

Instead of that scaring me, it’s fueled me. I want you to go to sleep tonight and trust you’re safe because of the work we’re doing over here. That’s the reason I joined the Marines in the first place. To serve my country and protect the people in it. I always looked up to Uncle Lucas—you knew he’s a Marine right? Medically discharged due to injuries sustained in combat? I think we talked about it, but if we haven’t, you should ask Angela. She loves bragging about her dad.

Uncle Lucas always made being a Marine sound like the most honorable, exhilarating thing in the world. Even after the injuries, he spoke about it with this sense of pride, like he’d done something that mattered. I wanted that too. I still do. But there’s this unspoken weight it puts on everyone around you, and I see it in my mom’s eyes every time we say goodbye. She never says it outright, but it’s always there… the worry, the fear that one day the goodbye will be permanent.

She fought me over my decision for years, I think hoping she could change my mind. Not because she has anything against service. Just, you know, I’m her only child—and an awesome one at that—the danger scares her.

And I get it.

Sometimes it scares me too. (And if you tell anyone, I’ll never forgive you. This is circle of trust stuff here.)

The fear is why I turn off thinking about what I stand to lose when I’m overseas… until now.

I don’t know what kind of spell you’ve cast over me, but thank you? I guess. I don’t know. I thought I had everything. Like, life couldn’t get better, you know? My job gives me purpose. I have an awesome family, filled with interesting people who love and support me. I wake up content with my place in the world day after day after day…

And then I meet you.

And we’ve spent, what? A handful of hours actually occupying the same spot? You have your life in Wildrose and I have this job that sends me all around the globe, but I feel…

What?

That’s the thing, Charlie.

I don’t know what to call this.

My life was perfect before you and it’s even better after you.

Is there a word for that?

I guess what I’m really trying to say is… I hope this letter makes you feel even half as special as you’ve made me feel. And if it does, then maybe you could tell me? Let me know if you feel it too… the ‘something’ I don’t have words for yet. No pressure, of course. But for now, I’ll just leave it at this?—

I like having you in my life, Charlie. A lot.

Do you like having me in yours?

God that sounds cheesy. Like the notes people used to pass in school back in the good ole days.

“Check yes or no.”

Sincerely,

Nick

from: Charlie Cooper [email protected]

to: Nick Hutton [email protected]

subject: got your letter

Nick,

You should’ve seen me when I found your letter in the mail. Picture me in the middle of my driveway, doing the kind of awkward happy dance that would make a toddler look graceful. And no, I didn’t care who saw me. That was before I even opened it. After reading it? I probably looked like one of those girls in a rom com, clutching the paper to my chest like it was you I was holding instead of a letter, smelling the damn thing like I could catch a hint of your cologne.

Yes, Nick. I like having you in my life.

A lot.

And not in some casual, yeah-you’re-great way, but in a way that makes me look forward to every message, every call, every thought of you. Your question was cheesy—there’s no denying that—but it’s the kind of cheesy I’ll remember for the rest of my life, so thank you for being brave enough to ask it.

And knowing that somehow, I increase your sense of purpose? Wow.

I’m… honored.

That word doesn’t quite get across how I feel.

I looked up synonyms and none of them work either.

Pleased, flattered, grateful, thrilled, esteemed…

Maybe language isn’t the right medium to express emotion. If I could touch you, or be near you, or look into your eyes, maybe you could SEE how I feel instead.

Angela teases me every chance she gets about you and me just being friends. So does Ivy. (She’s awesome, by the way! I’m so glad things worked out between her and Micah!) Nathan’s new girlfriend Mina seems to agree. Can’t wait for you to meet her… But I’m losing focus here. The thing is, when they start teasing, I never know what to say.

Nothing has happened between you and me, but everything has happened too.

Like you, I live a pretty good life. My family is awesome. I love my job. Teaching yoga isn’t as badass as being a Marine, but I do feel like I’m helping people, in a way. It’s not the most glamorous job and Dad’s always on me about financial security, but I’ll find that later. When the time is right.

And for as wonderful as all that is, you make it even better.

I can’t imagine what my life would look like without you in it. I don’t want to.

Is that insane? Am I crazy?

If it is, then fine. Because you make me happy, Nick Hutton. Like, deeply, ridiculously, ‘singing-while-washing-dishes’ happy. I’m not sure I’ve felt this way before, and it’s terrifying and wonderful all at once. I don’t want it to stop.

So there you have it. You’re officially the best part of my day, and now you’re stuck with that title. No pressure, but keep those letters coming, Marine. Because if your next one is half as good as the first, I’ll be the one sending you cheesy lines. (That’s a throwback to what you said at the end of your letter… calling yourself cheesy… just in case you don’t remember.)

xo,

Charlie