Free

Chapter 45

FORTY-FIVE

Nick

Dear Charlie,

It’s been two days, and I haven’t seen you. Sure, we’ve texted, but that feels so wrong, I don’t even have words for it.

I haven’t written one of these in a while, have I? A letter I’ll never send. There hasn’t been much of a point. With you in my life, I can just tell you what’s on my mind. But this… I don’t know… this might be something I need to work out for myself.

You looked beautiful the other night. I was so ready to flick that strap on your dress when we got home and watch it fall to the ground at your feet. But then, everything changed, didn’t it? One minute, I was getting ready to ask you to move in with me, the next, you were leaving instead of staying, your goodbye kiss feeling a lot more final than I’d like.

When I answered the call from my old CO, my first response was surprise, curiosity, and maybe even a flicker of pride. Being asked to consult reminded me of the man I used to be. Everyone knew you could turn to Nick Hutton in a pinch, and I’d damn near kill myself trying to get you out. I loved being that guy. And as he was going on about protocol and mission specs and all that, I thought maybe, just maybe, this was a chance to prove I’m not as broken as I thought.

But the second I turned and saw you standing there, that dress billowing in the breeze like the wings of an angel, I knew what I want.

You.

Not the job.

The old version of Nick Hutton needed the validation of accomplishments—Save the world! Sacrifice my life so others can live in safety!—in order to feel like I mattered. You’ve helped me see that it’s who I am, not what I do, that gives my life meaning. A difference that felt subtle at first but gets bigger the more I look at it.

Things between us are good. Like, really good. Do I really want to go back to the way it was before the accident? Me, gone all the time. The two of us communicating via text or video, but not being able to hold you close…

My job was a wedge between us for four years. A wedge I kept shoving into place every time it tried to work its way out. Sure, plenty of active-duty service men and women have families, but that’s not a choice I could ever make. I could never let you experience loss like poor Kate Harper—even after she said she’d go through it all again, knowing what would happen, just to have Mark in her life at all.

But none of that matters because I’ve made my choice, Charlie.

You’re what I want.

I don’t want to consult on missions. That part of my life is over.

I want you. Us. Holding hands and making dinner and talking and laughing then talking some more…

But then you brought up that damn yoga studio, and… I don’t know how to explain it.

It was like the worst kind of flashback.

Suddenly I was back in that hospital bed, listening to you tell me you’d be there with me through all the difficulties that lay ahead. And me? My dumb ass was convinced I’d be holding you back from living your best life. Back then, I knew, deep in my soul, that if I opened my mouth, I’d thank God for your goodness and beg you to stay. So I said nothing, because I truly believed I was doing what was best for you.

I know now how wrong I was.

Or at least I thought I knew.

Yesterday, I wanted to tell you to forget the damn yoga studio and move in with me. I don’t care if you work or don’t work, make a fortune or never earn another penny, I just want to share a life with you. Just like that day in the hospital, I knew that if I so much as opened my mouth to breathe, that’s what I’d say.

So once again, I found myself saying nothing when I should have said everything.

Why?

I don’t know.

Maybe I’m still trying to be a savior, still trying to sacrifice myself to make your life better…

Just like I knew you’d sacrifice your life for me after the accident…

I mean, a whole damn business fell into your lap and I’m supposed to say, nah, forget that. Move in with me where all you have is a temporary job teaching yoga once a week…

And as soon as I write that, every cell in my body, every atom in my soul screams YES! YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID THAT!

Fuck me for not having the stones to say it when it mattered.

And fuck the universe and its nudges because this can’t be the way things are supposed to turn out.

It’s supposed to be me and you together, Charlie. I knew it the instant I saw you. That’s her. That’s the one. That woman, with all that energy and vitality, she’s MY LIFE.

I stayed quiet when I should have said all of that to you and I’m terrified I’ve fucked it up… AGAIN!

Dad and Uncle Lucas’s retirement party is tomorrow, and I both can’t wait to see you and am nervous about seeing you. On the one hand, we’ll be surrounded by people, so it’ll be easy and casual, but on the other, I don’t know how to not be real with you.

We’re beyond that, aren’t we?

Fake small talk…

Avoiding the deep truths that ultimately are the only things that matter…

You’re my person, Charlie. You always have been. And I want to be yours. But I don’t know how to move forward when I’m so afraid of holding you back.

Maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter, even though I know you’ll never read it. It’s easier to put these words here than to look into your eyes and say them out loud. Because if I say them, I can’t take them back. And if I lose you… I don’t know what I’ll do.

I guess I’ll know more after tomorrow.

Nick