Chapter 41
Denver
The stone balcony wall is cool under my grip, and I look out at the city I grew up in. Sparkling lights against an inky blue sky, the smell of familiar cologne all around me as I breathe in.
“Took your time.”
I look over my shoulder at the man in a suit, at the smile I haven’t seen in what feels like forever. His dark hair is brushed back, beard neatly trimmed, brown eyes sparkling as he approaches me. There’s no blood on his shirt, no bullets in his back, and he tucks his hands into his pockets.
I face him. “Have you been waiting?”
Ethan shrugs. “I think so? Time moves differently here.” He comes closer, leaning against the balcony wall to face me. His dark eyes scan my face. “How are you?”
“Dead?”
He laughs softly and tucks my hair behind my ear. “We never got to finish our conversation, did we? Do you remember what it was about?”
I cast a glance into the ballroom. A man and a woman are dancing, her red hair whipping around her, a familiar laugh reaching me as the man she’s dancing with pulls her close.
“Don’t look in there,” Ethan says softly. “Not yet.”
I meet his eye. “We were talking about make-believe futures.”
“Right.” His smile returns. “Long dog walks. Date nights with Sebastian. Me bringing home too many dogs—”
“Because you have too big a heart.”
His smile becomes a grin. “Well, I always was the good guy, wasn’t I?”
I nod, a tear falling down my cheek. I don’t understand where I am or why I’m here, but something feels wrong about it all. And there’s something I’ve forgotten, something I should be doing …
“It’s like an itch at the back of your brain,” Ethan says. “Like you should be doing something.”
“What is it?”
“I’ve only just figured out what mine is. I think I was waiting for you. I’m not sure if it’s been minutes, or years, or …” He looks into the ballroom. “But I think this was the final thing I had to do.”
“Talk to me? What an anticlimax.”
His laugh does what it always has to me—makes me yearn to hear it again.
My mother’s laugh dances across the breeze, and I realize she’s dancing with Finn. And by the dance floor, whispering in Alison’s ear, is Axel.
Another tear falls down my cheek as I try to go to him.
Ethan catches my hand. “It isn’t time yet.”
“But I can say hello—”
He shakes his head. “It’s forever, or it’s later. And it isn’t time for forever.”
But everyone I love is in that room. People I lost when I shouldn’t have.
Ethan’s hand tightens on mine. “Not yet, Denver.”
“When?”
“A long time from now.” He tilts my face to look up at him. “Tell me one thing before you go?” I nod, wiping away my tears. “My kisses were a nine. Colt’s gotta be a solid seven, right?”
I burst into laughter. “I hate you.”
Ethan Defender tilts his head, his handsome smile wide. “The feeling is mutual.”
He releases my hand and heads toward the ballroom. A man is just beyond the doors and looks delighted to see him.
“Ethan?” I call out, and he faces me, head tilted. “I did love you. Maybe … maybe not in the same way, but I did. I promise, I did.” My voice breaks, but I hope he knows I mean it.
His smile deepens. “It’s okay. I had enough love for the both of us.”
He goes to the man inside and slaps his back, saying something that makes his brother laugh, and I breathe in.
The world around me changes to a thousand lights. A brightness that doesn’t hurt.
And nothing but space ahead of me.
The ballroom is warm and inviting at my back. My mother laughs, and so does Finn, and I know that Axel is smiling. But Ethan’s right. I’m not supposed to go that way.
“Open your eyes for me.”
Colt’s voice is distant. Too distant. I stare into the open space, into those dancing lights that flicker and hum and paint a picture I can’t quite see—
“Please, Del. Don’t leave me.”
“I’m not,” I call back, but my voice is taken away by a breeze I can’t feel. “Colt, I’m right here.”
I start walking. Striding. Jogging.
Until I’m running.
It’s only then that the lights form a real picture.
I run through my life. From what was, to what is, to what will be. My future flies by as I follow Colt’s voice, running as fast as I can, my hair and wedding dress blowing behind me as I try to reach him.
And my life is beautiful.
Spectacular.
Colt holding our son.
Then our baby girl.
Dancing with Holly in the living room.
Colt’s arms around me, his voice in my ear.
A life filled with love, and mistakes, and laughter.
And happiness that isn’t fragments.
Happiness that is whole.
“Don’t leave me, Del.”
I run faster, a laugh escaping me, “I’m right here!”
The closer I get, the more it hurts. Like being born, I’m pulled from warmth, and comfort, and safety. It’s cold. It’s too damn bright.
But it’s where he is.
A figure appears in the distance, a shadow of a man I once knew, and I come to a stop before him, breathless and warm.
My dad smiles at me. “Hey, Deedee. Remember what I said?”
I nod excitedly. “Don’t lie. Don’t cheat.”
“Don’t forget,” we both say.
His eyes glisten, but his smile remains real. “I’m so proud of you, Deedee.”
Darkness edges into my vision.
Darkness and air and—
Life.