Friends With All the Benefits

2 Ethan

C allum and I sat at our favourite bar, celebrating my petty little victory against my housemate from hell. Technically, Dave was my tenant, but no one except Callum and my family knew that I actually owned the house I lived in, and assholes like Dave were exactly the reason why.

He ate my food, stole my things and left the house in a general mess. When my property agent served him with an eviction notice, Dave went off the deep end and threatened to find and beat the shit out of the landlord. To him, I was just his poor unfortunate fellow tenant, so his rage never pointed my way. Too bad that wasn’t enough to legally shorten his eviction notice period. But that period was now over, and Dave was finally out of my house.

Unfortunately, Dave couldn’t make it easy for me. His things were out of the house, but he had pissed off down south with his mates for a holiday and for some godforsaken reason, maybe as petty revenge against the landlord, left his car parked in front of my garage space, blocking mine in. That’s where Callum and a few other good mates of mine came in.

The boys and I managed to lift the car and move it onto the street, onto a no-parking zone where overzealous council rangers were guaranteed to fine the car multiple times for illegal parking. Callum suggested letting the air out of Dave’s tyres, but I wanted Dave to be able to drive his vehicle off and out of my life as soon as he got back.

I treated all my boys to dinner after as thanks, but they couldn’t stay out for drinks, so Callum and I headed to our favourite bar where we toasted the end of an era together. My sister Joyce had just joined us and had gone for our next round of drinks when Callum’s girlfriend Hannah finally arrived with another friend of ours, Ellie, in tow.

We had been expecting them, but the moment I laid eyes on the two girls, I knew something was wrong.

Hannah was usually all sunshine and puppies, but right now, her lips were pursed, her brows furrowed, and she had her arm around Ellie who looked like death warmed over.

I had met Ellie through Hannah years ago. Ellie was a little nerdy, and somewhat plain, and it had been obvious that she had developed a crush on me from the very beginning. She always had eyes for only me, and she always got nervous every time I spoke to her. But over time, the crush seemed to settle as Ellie got more comfortable around me, which was good because I did like Ellie.

No, not that way. Never that way.

I never ever thought of Ellie that way at all, because Ellie wasn’t my type. She was pleasant looking, but in comparison to her best friend Nat, she never quite stood out. But because Hannah and my sister Joyce seemed to adopt Ellie into our little friend group, I ended up seeing a lot of Ellie over the years.

Ellie was good company, and she would only ever be a friend to me. She was practical and sensible, and wildly funny when she finally relaxed around me. And she never pursued her crush on me. She never made me uncomfortable, and she never expected more from me. I would have thought she had finally gotten over me if I still didn’t occasionally catch her watching me with eyes that seemed to worship the ground I walked on. Even though I would never return her feelings, I found that I didn’t mind.

But right now, as Hannah steered a zombie-like Ellie into a chair, Ellie didn’t spare me a single look at all.

After years of getting used to her badly hidden adoration, its lack felt strangely odd.

Callum had picked up on it too. “What’s wrong? Everything okay, Ellie?”

“I’ve just been dumped.” Ellie smiled, but her eyes looked dead.

Callum’s eyes widened. “I didn’t know you were dating anyone in the first place, Ellie.”

I didn’t either. I thought Ellie was still into me. I guess I assumed wrong. That was a very good thing because we all knew Ellie’s unrequited crush on me would never go anywhere. Then I realised I recognised Ellie’s tone of voice. She was making a joke, but the pain she was experiencing was very real.

“What happened, Ellie?” I asked, my voice gentle.

Hannah answered for Ellie.

“Nat,” Hannah all but spat, “just kicked Ellie out of their shared apartment and made Ellie homeless.”

The news surprised me. Nat and Ellie came as a package deal, and the two girls had always seemed joined at the hip. Well, not as much since Nat started dating her boyfriend, but still.

Joyce returned to our table just in time to hear that, and she nearly spilled the drinks on me.

“Whaaat? No way. I thought you were tight. Like best friends for life tight.”

Joyce and Hannah exchanged a look. The two girls were BFFs long before Callum and I came into the picture, the kind that were friends for life. Just like I had thought Nat and Ellie had been.

Hannah proceeded to tell us everything that had happened, about how Ellie had finally confronted Nat about her boyfriend’s—now fiance’s—many sins and had been summarily booted out of her home for it.

“…and that’s why I’ve offered Ellie our sofa to sleep on until she finds a place of her own.” Hannah poked Callum, daring him to argue.

Callum didn’t. Instead, he put a reassuring hand on Ellie’s shoulder and told her, “Of course. It’s a shit time to find another rental. Stay as long as you need.”

Callum and Hannah were good people.

Something sour churned in my stomach as I listened. I had always found Nat very pretty and very sweet, but now, all I could feel was anger at what she just did. I would have offered my place to Ellie too, especially since I knew Callum and Hannah lived in a snug one-bedroom apartment, but Dave had left his old room a wreck.

“Thank you.” Ellie’s voice was shaky, but it was obvious from the look on her face that she was relieved that Callum and Hannah had stepped up. “I promise to stay out of your hair as much as possible, and I’ll start looking for another place as soon as possible.”

“Stay as long as you need,” Callum reiterated. Hannah nodded vigorously next to him.

“I would offer my place too,” Joyce grimaced, “but it’s not really mine.”

Joyce still lived with our parents. She worked as a freelance photographer, and every spare cent she made was put towards her fledging business. Work was still inconsistent, and growing her business was an uphill climb for my sister.

“It’s okay. Thank you, Joyce.” Ellie smiled gratefully. “It means a lot that you want to in the first place.”

Joyce hugged her, and said, “I’m buying you a stiff drink, and we’re going to help you forget all about Nat and her shitty behaviour and shitty relationship.”

Joyce and Natalie didn’t always get along. Nat wasn’t one for confrontation, and my sister was all sharp edges and straight-talking. Ellie had always played peacemaker and mediator, making excuses for Nat. I noticed she didn’t make excuses for her now.

Ellie’s face crumpled again. “Is it shitty though? Maybe I fucked up. I totally fucked up.”

“No, you didn’t,” Hannah told her firmly. “From everything I’ve seen and from everything you’ve told me, you approached her with kid gloves. The clipboard was only because she wouldn’t hear you out before this. Besides, Joyce has had many come to Jesus moments with me before, and she’s way more direct than you could ever be.”

To the side, Joyce meekly sipped her drink.

“If I were her, I would want to know,” Hannah continued. “Besides, Callum isn’t an insecure, controlling asshole like Andy is.”

Callum nodded, then added, “But maybe the clipboard was a bit much. Nat might have felt ambushed. A bullet list of all the cracks in her relationship can be quite confronting, and knowing you, you must have been quite thorough.”

“Oh God,” Ellie groaned and buried her head under her arms. “You’re right. I fucked up. I totally fucked up. What idiot goes into an already difficult conversation with a bloody clipboard?”

“What clipboard?” I asked.

Ellie sniffed, then reached into her oversized tote bag and pulled it out. Several lined pieces of paper were on it, and on those pieces of paper was Ellie’s very neat handwriting. There were headers, bullet points, highlights and even footnotes.

I looked again and realised it was a list of everything horrible Nat’s fiancé Andy had done in their relationship, categorised and sorted and summarised as clearly as I had ever seen in any report at work.

Ellie had always been organised, but this was something else.

Joyce took the clipboard from Ellie and flipped through Ellie’s list, breathing fire the whole way. Then it went to Hannah, then Callum. Before it could reach me, Ellie had taken it back and put it away. That was okay. I got the gist of it, and I had never liked Andy the few times I met him anyway. He always seemed like he had a chip on his shoulder, and he was way more proprietary over Nat’s attention than I personally thought was healthy. I didn’t blame him then because Nat was very beautiful, and once upon a time, I tried to ask her out myself, only to be rebuffed.

“Well,” Callum said. “You were definitely very thorough.”

That just made Ellie bury her face in her hands and sink into herself.

“It sounds like Nat and Andy deserve each other,” Joyce’s nostrils flared.

A sob escaped from Ellie’s throat.

“Joyce, go get that drink,” I stepped in. Ellie was spiralling, and as much as all of us were incensed on her behalf, dwelling on it would just make her feel worse. “Ellie, Ellie, look at me.”

She did so. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and her nose was starting to run. She immediately reached into her bag and pulled out a tissue.

“Sorry,” she said in a small voice. “I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

“Ellie, it’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. We’ve got you.”

She nodded, but it was clear she didn’t believe me.

“Now, do you want to hear about what I was up to earlier?” I grinned. I didn’t want to talk about myself, not after seeing Ellie like this, but it was clear that Ellie needed a hell of a distraction, and as much as Dave had been a pain in the ass, his bullshit always made for good drinking stories.

“Oh my God, yes please.” Ellie perked right up. Her voice was a bit breathless, just like it usually was when I gave her any attention. That was good because I wanted Ellie’s attention right now. Anything to help dull the pain her so-called best friend had caused her. Then she realised how she reacted and quickly added, “I could really use the distraction.”

I smiled. “You know how I’m in a…ah, shared house?”

Ellie didn’t know I owned my own place. Neither did Hannah. Callum and Joyce knew my reasons for keeping it quiet, and they played along. All everyone else knew was that I rented a nice cottage near the beach and shared it with a revolving door of housemates.

“Let me tell you about my latest housemate, good old Dave.”

“Good old Dave indeed,” Callum echoed, the edge of his mouth curving up.

I sketched out the background, sharing a few stories of Dave’s awfulness as a housemate. Ellie listened, riveted. Dave’s bullshit was quite entertaining in hindsight.

“He’s finally been evicted, but he’s still a pain in the arse. Today, he parked his car in front of my space in the garage, never mind that he’s supposed to be moved out, then proceeded to fuck off down south for the long weekend with his mates. I thought about getting him towed, but Callum had a much better idea.”

“Oh yes.” Callum’s mouth turned up. “A much better idea.”

“What did you boys do?” Hannah’s eyes widened in worry.

“We and a few more mates came by and moved the car somewhere where it wouldn’t block Ethan’s, and you know how Freo parking rangers are hounds when it comes to fining cars.” Callum wore a supremely satisfied look on his face.

Ellie laughed, and that suddenly made all that effort to screw Dave over even more worthwhile.

Hannah just shook her head. “You know you could have just gotten the car towed, right?”

“Yeah, but Dave’s already two months behind on rent. There’s no way he would have paid for the tow, and he’d make it out that I was on the hook somehow,” I glowered.

Right then, Joyce returned with Ellie’s drink. “What are you talking about? I heard something about Dave.”

I didn’t get a chance to tell Joyce earlier, so I filled her in about Dave’s car now, and Joyce cackled. “Good riddance. So glad you’re finally rid of him.”

“Do you want to move in with me?” I turned to my sister. I knew she had been wanting to get out of our parents’ place for ages. “It’ll take some time to fix up the place after the damage Dave caused, but I—the landlord is going to rent it out again. Having you there would solve all my dodgy housemate problems.”

That and I really did need the rental income to help with my mortgage.

But Joyce shook her head. “Absolutely not. Dad’s cooking is too good to give up, and my income isn’t quite steady enough to afford the rent, and I know you can’t afford to cover me.”

That was true. I would discount the rent for my sister, but it would make things very tight for me.

Then Joyce’s head tilted. She looked at me, then at Ellie, then back at me.

“So… Ellie needs a place to stay, and you need a new housemate.” Joyce’s eyes gleamed.

I took a deep breath. Joyce had been the one to confirm that Ellie had a thing for me. She liked Ellie, and she would have loved for something to happen between us. But Joyce didn’t always get what she wanted.

“Ellie’s a real good girl. She doesn’t party unless we make her, doesn’t do drugs, reads for fun, is super organised, and she’ll be a massive improvement as a housemate,” Joyce pressed on, exhorting all the qualities that would make Ellie a good tenant.

“Stop, Joyce. You’re making me sound so boring,” Ellie groaned and blushed furiously.

But Joyce had a very good point.

“It’s not actually a bad idea.” I stared at Ellie. She never made things awkward. She never made things uncomfortable. I did enjoy her company and at the end of the day, I could easily call her a good friend of mine.

Ellie was organised and responsible and sensible. She would be a godsend as a housemate after Dave.

I sat up straighter. “In fact, it’s a great idea. You should move in with me once the landlord fixes up the spare room. It’ll be good fun.”

Ellie shook her head.

“Come on, at least think about it,” I wheedled.

Callum shot me a warning look. He knew how Ellie felt about me. Everyone did, but no one talked about it to spare us any awkwardness. It was sort of an open secret in our friend group. But I doubted Ellie knew I knew.

Ellie just smiled and stood firm. “Thank you, but I think I’d better give Nat time to cool down first. Maybe Nat will forgive me once she cools down.”