Friends With All the Benefits

37 Ethan

E llie and I talked on the phone every day since she called me. It was almost like I had her back again, but the truth was far from it. Ellie still wouldn’t move back home. She had her hangups over finding out I owned the place, and nothing I said could help her get over it. She loved the place, but she didn’t want to come home.

The only thing that gave me hope was her turning down a rental offered to her. She had tried to justify it, saying it was in an area she couldn’t see herself living in, but I wanted so very much to believe it was because she was keeping a door open to come back to me.

I didn’t push her though. I didn’t want to risk losing her. But she did relent enough to let me take her out for dinner.

“This is a proper date. It’s everything I should have done from the very beginning. Everything you deserve,” I told her when I picked her up from Nat’s place.

I took her to a new restaurant we’d both been wanting to try for ages but never got the chance to before things blew up between us. The entire drive there, I couldn’t help but be struck by how easy, how familiar things were with her. We talked about our day. We talked about current events. We joked about random things. It was exactly like how things used to be between us, even the little pecks on the cheek I found myself leaning over to give her, my hand on her knee as I drove us to our destination.

We had been doing all these things long before I ever realised she was mine, and now, she wasn’t. The realisation stabbed me right through the heart. I had been an idiot, and I didn’t know it until it was too late.

It was the same thing over dinner, except that there was a new wariness to Ellie.

“How am I doing so far?” I shot her a careful smile.

Ellie let out a snort. “I didn’t realise I was supposed to give you a performance review.”

“Have I won you over yet?” I teased.

Ellie took a sip of her wine, then replied frankly, “I’m not sure.”

I exhaled. “Of course. I shouldn’t have pushed. I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “It’s not that. It’s just… It’s completely throwing me, but I’m comfortable. Being with you like this, it feels way too familiar, but that can’t be right. We were only just friends.”

My hand reached for hers. “We were never just friends. I just didn’t realise it until it was too late. You’ve become my entire world, Ellie. I just wish I hadn’t been so obtuse about it for so long.”

Ellie cocked a suspicious eye at me. “You say that now, but are you sure you’re not confusing familiarity for something else?”

“I’m absolutely sure.”

Ellie looked like she still found it hard to believe.

“You know…” she began thoughtfully, “Hannah and Joyce told me they always expected us to get together eventually.”

I let out an ironic laugh. “It’s telling, isn’t it, that our friends saw what we—what I—didn’t see. Callum said the same thing as well, and he threw in some choice words about me missing my chance with you because of my tendency to get fixated on a goal, not realising that the situation had changed,” I grimaced. “I should have figured out you meant more to me sooner before I made a mess of things. I had ideas about what my life should look like, and it left no room for life to actually happen.”

“I was the one with the unrequited crush. It had absolutely nothing to do with you.”

“That’s not true.” I gripped her hand. “I know I didn’t like you this way in the beginning, but you’ve always fascinated me.”

Ellie let out a laugh. “Me? Fascinate you? I’m the least fascinating person I know.”

“That’s not true. You intrigued me from the very first time we met, doing your dorky dance.”

The memory of Ellie dancing with her drink in a dark corner of a noisy club brought a smile to my lips. It had been during Hannah’s birthday party a few years back, and that first meeting with wonderful, funny Ellie had always stuck in my mind. Now I knew why—she was always meant to be mine.

Ellie groaned. “Don’t remind me. It was dark. No one was supposed to be watching.”

“I was.”

“And then you completely ignored me for Nat.”

“Because I was an idiot back then. She didn’t keep my attention, did she?”

“Only because I chased you off and told her she was taken.”

I had tried to get Nat’s number from Ellie the next time I saw her, but Ellie had shut that down quite soundly because Nat had instructions never to give her number out.

“I would have lost interest anyway because she wasn’t you.”

Ellie snorted disbelievingly.

“Ellie, I didn’t know what I was missing in my life before you came along, and I can’t imagine my life without you. You said you love me. I don’t deserve it, but I don’t ever want you to stop. Please be with me so I can show you how much I love you back.”

Ellie’s eyes widened. “You love me?”

“I do. I really do.”

“I…I find it hard to believe.” Ellie tore her gaze away from mine. “Maybe you just want to get me back into your bed.”

The air grew heavy with the reminder of all the things we used to do. “I want that too, but it’s not the only thing I want. I want all of you, all the time. If not sleeping with you is what it takes to convince you, I’ll do it.”

It would kill me, but Ellie was worth it because as much as I wanted to take her body again and make it mine, I wanted much more than that. I wanted all of her—mind, body and soul, and I would do anything to earn it all back.

After dinner, I took Ellie back to Nat’s place. Nat hadn’t been there when I went to pick Ellie up, and she still wasn’t home when I dropped Ellie back.

Ellie noticed me staring curiously into the empty apartment. “Nat’s flown back over east to see her parents. She finally talked to them, and they bought a plane ticket for her immediately. That’s why I haven’t moved out just yet. She’s asked me to housesit the place until she gets back.”

It was good to see Nat’s parents being so supportive while she figured things out. Ellie had told me Nat was trying harder to make amends and make smarter decisions. It was good to see progress.

I expected Ellie to close the door on me and wish me good night. Instead, she lingered at the doorway, a thoughtful expression on her face. In the end, something won out. She lifted her eyes to mine and asked, “Do you want to come in?”

“Yes.” Absolutely yes. She was choosing to trust me. She was giving me a chance. I had been an idiot before, but not anymore if I could help it.

I had never been inside this apartment before. It was an older place with two tiny bedrooms and a dated kitchen. My place had two bedrooms too, but one bedroom at the cottage could easily fit two here. My eyes roamed the place, looking for traces of Ellie but there was nothing obvious, nothing personal. All the photos and knick-knacks around the place were obviously Nat’s. This hadn’t been Ellie’s home for months, and before that, she had unceremoniously been kicked out anyway. The décor was functional and cosy. I recognised Ellie’s hand in the furniture selection, including the worn-out armchair she told me she had given up when she moved out.

“Is that your old armchair? The one you want to replace with the expensive leather wingback?” I put myself on it out of curiosity. A cushion that looked like a flattened burger added extra padding to the seat, but I could still feel the sag in the centre.

“That’s the one,” Ellie grinned. “It’s worn out. I could get it reupholstered, but I really want the leather one. Anyway, it’s Nat’s now. I sold it to her, remember?”

“The leather wingback is definitely an upgrade anyway. A huge upgrade.”

Ellie sighed. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to buy it after all.”

“Why not?”

“I’m thinking of buying my own place, remember?”

My breath hitched in my throat. I remembered her mentioning it to me, but I didn’t realise she was serious about it.

“When I do, money will be tight. You’re a homeowner. You overstretched yourself buying the cottage, remember?” I had told her everything in the last few days we were talking. No more secrets from Ellie.

“I’m not going to overcommit on anything,” she continued. “I’ll rent if buying doesn’t pan out. But either way, it’ll eat into my savings. It’ll be a long time before I can afford the wingback, and when the time comes, there’s no guarantee it’ll still be available.” Sadness crossed over her face when she said it. “It’s just a chair anyway,” she shrugged, trying to console herself.

“You could come back, you know?” I spoke up. I didn’t want to push Ellie, but I didn’t want to leave any doubt that I wanted her back home with me.

Ellie shook her head, so I didn’t push the issue any further.

She made me tea, and we ended up talking into the night. It was just like the last few days on the phone, only this time, we were finally physically together. We cuddled on the sofa as we talked about everything and nothing. Then when she started to nod off, I gathered my resolve and pulled away. I didn’t want to leave her, but I didn’t want to overstay my welcome.

Instead, Ellie’s hand reached for my arm and pulled me back to her.

“Stay the night.”

“Really? Can I?” My eyes lit up. This was so much more than I had hoped for.

“But no sex though,” she was quick to draw the line.

“As you wish,” I leaned in and kissed her. I would do anything, give up anything, just as long as I was allowed to be with her.