Chapter Twenty-Nine
To my surprise, Tia’s not waiting to kill me the second I walk into the house.
However, as I pass the living room, Amos solves that mystery. “Tia wants you to meet her in the garage when you’re done tucking Lola into bed.”
I pause at the top of the stairs and close my eyes. “She’s gone. My heart will always feel a little broken. But she’s gone.”
“I know,” Amos says. “But what I know and you know doesn’t matter. Maren seems to be a nice young woman, but it’s not the right time.”
I take a step back to look at him. “I didn’t think it was the right time to explain pornography to my ten-year-old daughter, but I did. And I did it because I don’t fault you for having needs. And you know you’re not supposed to smoke around Lola, but I know you do. You could have my back but choose to cower in Tia’s shadow.”
“I don’t encourage her,” he says, staring at the television.
“Your silence—your complacency—is all the affirmation she needs.”
Amos narrows his eyes, but he doesn’t speak, so I head downstairs to Lola’s room. She’s in bed with Bandit curled up next to her.
“I knew you liked her.” Lola beams.
I sit on the edge of her bed and adjust her covers. “I do like her. Is that okay?”
“Do you like her as much as you liked Mom?”
This girl knows how to chip away at my emotions. Is she parenting me? Is she asking me this because she wants an answer, or does she want me to think about my feelings?
“I haven’t known Maren that long. I knew your mom for years, not weeks. It’s too early to compare feelings. I’m just happy that my heart feels open enough to like Maren the way I do. It means I’m not totally broken.”
“Like me?” She frowns.
“No.” I rest a hand on her cheek.
“I am. I’m broken. I can’t get into a car. That’s messed up. That’s what Dakota said.”
“Dakota doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” I say.
“He’s not being mean. He said it’s not my fault.”
“You’re not broken.” I kiss her forehead. “Good night.”
“Night,” she says through a big yawn.
Amos is asleep on the sofa when I reach the top of the stairs.
Coward.
I head to the garage, where Tia is perched on the stool at my workbench, stacking washers like building blocks.
“I can’t stay here and watch you forget about Brynn. Forget about your vows. Forget about the reason she died. Forget about everything Amos and I are giving up to be here for you. Was that woman here with you when we were gone? When Lola spent the weekend with your mom? Were you screwing around with another woman in the house you bought with your wife? Is still having your life and Lola’s not enough for you?”
“Tia, how ...” I shake my head. There’s so much to unpack that I don’t know what to address first. “How can you think that I have or ever will forget Brynn? If Lola gets into a car again, will that mean she’s forgotten how her mom died? And what the hell do you mean I’ve forgotten my vows? My wedding vows? Till death do us part? Do you think that means until both people die? Had I been the one who died, can you honestly say you wouldn’t have wanted Brynn to find love again?”
“Brynn was disciplined. She would have thrown herself into raising Lola and doing her job. And maybe, just maybe , after Lola went to college or married, she might have considered finding love again. Women live without men much easier than men live without women. So maybe it’s not entirely your fault. Maybe it’s in your DNA. But for heaven’s sake, Ozzy, it’s only been two years . Lola is still a mess. You just started back to work. And you clearly need help, so why would you add one more thing to your plate?”
“I’m not adopting Maren. I’m dating her. I’m not supporting her. She’s not one more thing on my plate. And Lola likes her.”
Tia frowns. “Exactly. Lola likes her. Lola will get attached to her. Hell, she’s already attached to her cat. What happens when it doesn’t work out? I don’t give two hoots if you get hurt in this mess, but Lola can’t handle any more heartbreak. I’m not okay with you gambling with her emotions. And Brynn wouldn’t be either.”
Those are always the final words. Now that Brynn is gone, Tia is her spokesperson. Tia is the all-knowing supreme being who knows what Brynn would have wanted in every situation. It’s as if I wasn’t married to her for nearly a decade.
“You’re wrong,” I whisper.
“What?”
“You’re wrong,” I say after clearing my throat. “Do you really think we never talked about it? We did. Maybe not in a way that felt real, because you never want to imagine your spouse dying. But sometimes, you lie in bed in each other’s arms, and the love you feel in that moment ignites a fear of losing them. So you have that talk. You tell each other that if something happens and one of you dies, the other person should love again. Love again for themselves. Love again, so Lola sees that the only life that should end when someone dies is the one who’s no longer breathing.”
Tia stares at the stack of washers and pulls one from the bottom, letting them scatter on the workbench and ping like coins onto the floor. Then she slides off the stool and heads toward the door, stopping when she’s a foot past me. “It should have been you,” she says.
“I know,” I whisper.
Maren: Are you in trouble with Tia? I haven’t heard from you.
I grin at my phone when Maren texts me three days later, just as I drift off to sleep during the ten o’clock news.
Ozzy: What are you wearing?
Maren: Lol your shirt
I murmur, “Liar” while replying.
Ozzy: That would make you a thief
She sends me a picture of her from the neck down in a hotel bed, wearing my white tee with a rip at the bottom where I snagged it on a nail.
Ozzy: What are you wearing under it?
Maren: All your favorite things
This woman is killing me.
Ozzy: Waiting for another picture
Maren: Ha! No way
Ozzy: Tia’s giving me the silent treatment. I don’t mind
Maren: What about Lola?
Ozzy: She adores you
Maren: She adores my cat
Ozzy: I like your pussy too
Maren: I swear to god if you don’t delete this conversation and Lola sees it, I will end you
Ozzy: Have you been flying?
Maren: Every day
Ozzy: Any news on your house?
Maren: I close next Thursday
Ozzy: What do you want me to work on first?
Maren: Me
Ozzy: Ur such a perv
Maren sends a long line of laughing emojis, but they’re nothing compared to the grin on my face.
Maren: Sweet dreams
Maren: Hug Lola for me. I didn’t get to tell her goodbye
Ozzy: I will. Be safe 3
And I love you.
I almost type the words. But at this point, knowing how badly she wants to hear them, I feel like I need to make the moment memorable.