Chapter 21 Lana
LANA
“Hi, guys,” Nancy greets us at the door, the morning chill sending shivers down my spine. Or perhaps it’s the idea of talking to my ex that’s making my body sweat on purpose.
“Hi, Nance,” I answer, entering her home with Noah.
“Chloe and Ava are in the kitchen. Go ahead, Noah,” she says, patting his little head as I lower myself to grab his coat.
“Is he here?” I whisper. She shakes her head, then looks down at her watch.
“Any minute now.” I take a deep breath. Why am I so stressed about this morning in particular?
We’ve done this so many times. I drop Noah off, he picks him up, we don’t have to talk, and then he drives him back a few hours later.
That’s what the judge decided. In a case like ours, it’s better to have a neutral ground with a third party present to avoid any friction in front of the child.
We both agreed to that. He was too high up in his crystal tower to think it would actually last, thinking I’d come crawling back, begging for a second chance, so he didn’t fight me on it.
The roar of his fancy convertible in Nancy’s driveway makes me jump.
“Hey, chill out. I’m here. Alec is in the kitchen with the kids. Nothing can happen. Just breathe. I got you,” she says, putting a hand on my shoulder and squeezing once.
I shake my head. “You’re right. It’s just, he said he wanted to talk.”
“Seriously?” She lifts a brow.
I nod and shrug. “I have a bad feeling, that’s all.”
“Do you want to talk to him?”
“No, but I guess if it’s about Noah, then I have to.”
“How about you guys talk in Alec’s office with the door open?”
“Yeah, that’d be great.” I remove my grey coat and hang it in the entryway, the wall covered in framed drawings of the girls’ handprints in paint. I’ve always loved Nancy’s home. It’s modern, but there’s color everywhere, on rugs, cushions, even the plants are mostly red and yellow.
“Remember, you’re in control. You’ve got people in your corner and proof to back you up.
He’s a tiny little ant you could crush with your feet, okay?
Don’t let him rewrite things for you.” Then she hugs me tight and opens the door at the sound of a strong knock. I step back. Chin up. Shoulders down.
“Nancy,” he says dryly, wiping his shiny black loafers on her doormat.
His long black wool coat and tie make him look like the perfect cliché of a businessman.
I understand why I fell for him and why half his secretaries probably drool over him at work, but all I see now is a shark hungry for blood.
“Ben,” she replies, cold as ice, motioning for him to enter. “Noah’s in the kitchen with the girls and Alec.” She emphasizes Alec’s name like a protective spell.
“Right,” he grunts, then passes by me, our bodies so close his shoulder almost brushes mine.
“Lana,” he mutters, eyes feasting shamelessly. “I’m gonna say hi to Noah, and then we’ll chat,” he adds, his voice firm. It doesn’t sound like a request, though. It’s a command.
I don’t reply and make my way to the kitchen with a plastered smile.
I greet everyone, then kiss Noah’s head as he colors a large truck on the kitchen counter.
Nancy always has a stash of coloring books and activities from her classroom, a perk of being an elementary school teacher.
Ben tries to chat with Noah, but he’s too focused on his coloring to care.
I grab a glass of water, hoping it’ll calm my nerves.
I’m wearing black jeans and a black turtleneck.
Who wants to be feminine around someone who could use it against you?
If there’s one thing I know for sure, it's that I cannot be feminine without being safe. So he’ll get the version of me that stays on her guard to protect herself.
With Carter, I could be walking outside in my underwear and nothing would ever happen to me.
Alec catches my eye, his checkered shirt and warm demeanor remind me of the dads in kids’ movies.
Safe. Reassuring. He gives me a small “I got your back” nod.
I return the tiniest smile. Without waiting for Ben to summon me, I stare him down with the most Carter-like expression I can muster and say evenly, “Follow me.”
He clenches his jaw, ego bruised, but he knows he’s not on home turf here.
He follows, still in his coat, after patting Noah’s head.
“Be right back, kiddo.” My heart hammers as we enter Alec’s office.
Thankfully, a long corridor separates us from the kitchen.
I don’t want Noah and the girls hearing us if things get heated.
Alec’s office is large, with one big desk near a window with a view over their garden.
There are bookshelves on the left and a small sofa on the right.
I position myself near the window, keeping the desk between us like a shield.
“Don’t summon me. You know how I feel about that,” he groans, removing his coat and tossing it on the sofa. Then he sighs and slouches back on it, legs spread like he owns the place.
“What do you want? I don’t want to talk to you. This is…unpleasant,” I say through gritted teeth.
He frowns. “Don’t tell me it’s your new boyfriend making you full of yourself now?”
I shake my head, arms crossed, every nerve on high alert. “Don’t talk about him. What do you want?” He exhales deeply, then stands and starts to approach. No. I raise a palm. “Stay where you are.”
Ben stops, tilting his head. “The fuck did you say to me?” I know that tone. It’s the one right before a beating.
“I said, stay where you are. I’m not comfortable with you being close, and you know why.”
“So I can’t be close, but he can?”
“I thought this was about Noah.”
He exhales, voice colder. “I’m done with this, Lana. You and Noah need to come back home. You’re not safe with this man. Noah needs me. You need me. When will you understand that we’re it?”
“No.” I laugh bitterly. It slips out uninvited. It’s almost funny, if funny meant my abuser still thinks he has a say.
“No?” His voice lowers and his lips are pressed into a line. I look down and notice his hands are clenched into fists.
You know how a beating feels.
But you’ve never felt what it’s like to fight back.
“When will you get it?” I murmur. My arms fall to my sides.
“I. Don’t. Need. You,” I say with a sad smile, maybe more to me than to him.
“I can pay my own rent and make my own friends. I can dance on my own and raise my son to become a smart and capable man. I can fix a leak and mow my damn lawn. I can do all of this on my own. Do you understand? You're not needed. I had to start all over again, because of you, because of what you did to us. And you know what? I did find a man on this journey, and he is kind and good to me and Noah. He’s a good man, and I don’t have to wonder if I’ll get a bleeding nose after telling him what I think about this or that.
I’m not afraid of him like I used to be afraid of you,” I say in a calm and even tone.
His face turns stern, his eyes as thin as slits, the blood sizzling under the thick vein of his forehead.
“You’re so obsessed with me being with another man, you don’t even question your behavior, which is the true reason for our divorce.
” I step back, needing space from him and resting my back on the window.
“You know what Carter does? He never disappoints me. He never hits me. He makes me stronger. He knows I can do things on my own, but still, he wants to do them for me because he cares. That's what a good man does, Ben. A good man treats his woman with kindness and respect.” I shift and glance at the garden. My heartbeat slows. Carter helped me climb a mountain I once thought was insurmountable. He didn’t give me the keys to freedom; he held my hand while I was searching for them.
I bite my lips unconsciously, thinking about him and how our story is only beginning. Then I turn and stare at Ben.
“Do you get it?” He doesn’t answer. His shoulders rise and fall too fast. “Of course you don’t,” I say.
“You’re not a man. You’re a little boy who’s never been told no.
Well, today’s the day. You’ll stick to your visits, and that’s it.
” His nostrils flare. He walks toward me, towering like a predator.
His dark brown eyes stare into mine, and he rasps angrily, “Careful, Lana, you’re not in a position to discuss right now.
” I frown. Why would he say that? “It’s not up to you anymore.
I want you home, so you’ll come back,” he rubs his chin with his hand, a devilish smile appearing on his face, “you do that or…I’ll report you for child neglect and take Noah away from you. ”
My heart stops.
The silence in the room is choking the air, as if the oxygen had turned into a ton of bricks.
And then I feel it. Oh, that’s what it is.
I had only brushed the top of it when I yelled at the top of the mountain.
It wasn’t fully there before. But it’s here now.
Boiling and sizzling under my skin. A wrath so powerful, I wonder if my vision isn't turning crimson. All this time, I had it in me. All this time, it prepared me for this exact moment. I inhale deeply and circle him fast, but I don’t get out of the room; instead, I shut the door.
My son won’t have to be another victim of his.
I turn myself to face him, unflinching, chin up, both of us settled at the opposite sides of the room, his gaze faltering a bit, as if he hadn’t expected my reaction.
“WHAT. DID. YOU. SAY?” I shout, heaving, anger pulsing in my veins like never before.
“You heard me right, I'll take him away from you,” he repeats casually, putting his hand in the pockets of his black slacks.