Chapter 30
‘How did it go last night?’ Ged asks me the following morning. We have started gathering in the villa kitchen as per my instructions. He is looking me up and down. ‘Did you pick up the right size? I think you might be wearing Big Sue’s dress.’
‘Yeah. I thought it was too long for me,’ I say, hitching it up.
I take a look at the kitchen table but all of the wigs, dresses, accessories and shoes have gone.
I am also desperate not to divulge what happened at Voices last night in case Ged reads something into it. ‘I wonder where everything is.’
‘Ged, my darling, are you wearing my Oscars Ken costume? Because I think I’ve picked up a Barbie one by mistake.
’ Liam emerges through the patio doors dressed in the Barbie travel outfit.
He is wearing a pair of tight-fitting hot-pink trousers that have lace-up sides and pink patterned floral flares from the knee.
A pink waistcoat just about fits across his torso, revealing toned arms that are a ridiculous shade of deep mustard (to match the rest of his face and body).
He is wearing a neckerchief and a pink Stetson with a picture of himself kissing Ged.
It looks amazing. He lifts up a flare to reveal white cowboy boots, earning him a wolf whistle from his fiancé.
‘You scrub up well yourself, babes,’ Liam says, eyeing Ged up and down.
Ged has opted to travel in his Cowboy Ken outfit.
He is head to toe in black with elaborate white fringing on the shirt, white cowboy boots and a white Stetson with a picture of him kissing Liam on the front. Together, they look adorable.
‘I’m keeping the neon paint-splash Lycra outfit for when we go roller skating. So we can be twinsies,’ says Liam. ‘Connie, did you manage to pick up the yellow knee pads? They were on the list.’
This is the first I’m hearing of a desire to go roller skating.
I hide my shock, thankful that we have successfully skirted over the issue of how last night went, and scramble to check my bag for the shopping list from yesterday.
Oh, no. There it is, clear as day. I’ll have to pick some up in Vegas.
There’s bound to be a sports shop somewhere.
‘Connie, I think you might have Big Sue’s dress on, love,’ Liam says, looking me over. ‘Sick platform sandals. They are massive. Cherry puts such dope costumes together.’
I smile and say nothing. Liam is adopting a slightly American twang. He is really committing to this adventure and I will not be the one to dampen his spirits. He is the colour of a blood moon. He has enough troubles.
‘Thanks, you guys,’ says Cherry, coming down the stairs looking fabulous in a correctly fitting Barbie outfit.
She has opted to keep her flaming-red hair as it complements the colour scheme and has put it up into a high ponytail with a heavy fringe.
Her make-up is flawless. Huge black flicky eyeliner, thick lashes, hot pink lips and lots of blusher.
Her dark circles are nowhere to be seen.
Her neat waist looks even tinier in the bum-skimming pink gingham dress as it swishes provocatively towards us.
The white netting underneath provides maximum volume and bounce.
She has opted for white knee-high socks with her platform sandals.
She looks incredible. Only the tiredness in her eyes gives her away.
She shakes her head at us. ‘Nope. This is all wrong.’ She rubs her temples. ‘Sorry guys, I must have mixed everything up. You’re all wearing the wrong clothes. I don’t know what’s got into me lately.’ She flicks me a look that suggests otherwise.
‘I could wear the double denim shorts and waistcoat,’ suggests Liam, dragging Ged off to help him. ‘I’ll go get changed.’
Oh no.
Liam has an awful brown creosote streak across his backside. Cherry is about to call out to him, but I shush her. ‘There’s no time now. He’ll want to wash it out before we go and our flight is in three hours. I’ll get the stain off when we get to Vegas.’
‘Okay,’ she agrees. ‘We’ll do that. Hopefully, he’s only shat himself. If it’s that fake tan, we’re screwed.’
I blink slowly. It’s like a different world sometimes.
Cherry and I stand alone, facing each other across the table.
She looks so vulnerable for a woman who is always so hard and prickly.
‘Do you want to come outside and talk?’ I ask her.
She hesitates for a moment before nodding.
We walk round the pool to the farthest spot and sit down on the luxurious sunbeds, under the shade of a large white canvas parasol.
I wait quietly, not wanting to pressure her. Today is going to be fraught enough without Cherry going to pieces. She chews her nails as she stares into the pool. The sunshine is shimmering on the water in small rhythmic waves. ‘I’m late. My period is never late. Ever.’
I have no idea how nerve-wracking it must be to bring a new life into the world.
‘I’m not sure who the father is,’ she says, putting another finger to her lips.
Chew. Chew. Chew.
‘Well, actually, I think I do know who the father is. I’m just not sure how it will work.’
‘Oh. I see. Your husband isn’t the baby’s father?’ I must, must, must find out her husband’s name. I’m too embarrassed to ask Cherry after all this time. I’ll ask Tash when she comes downstairs.
Her eyes fill with tears as she shakes her head.
‘And you think you know who the father is?’ I say gently. I’d hate for it to sound rude. Like she’s having to substantially narrow the field.
A single tear spills from her perfectly made-up eyes and rolls down her cheek. ‘Yes,’ she whispers. ‘It’s—’
The sound of the patio doors sliding open alerts us to the arrival of Big Mand.
She looks furious. ‘Is this some kind of fucking joke?’ She stands in the doorway, wearing the world’s tiniest gingham dress.
It is so short it doesn’t even cover her knickers, and the bib top only covers one boob.
Thankfully, she is wearing a pink bra, but the overall effect is comical.
The tights are too short, so the gusset is hanging low.
The wig and the shoes are the only things that fit correctly.
She stands with her hands on her hips, sweeping an angry gaze around the pool until it lands on us.
Her eyebrows are knitted together underneath the thick white-blonde fringe.
Like mine, her Barbie wig is a high ponytail.
It swishes forcefully as she stomps over to us.
‘Get in line,’ Big Sue barks from the bedroom window.
‘Whose idea was it to put me in a Ken outfit? Is this to do with yesterday? Well, I’m telling you now, it’s not fucking funny!
’ Big Sue, wearing what looks like a big, shaggy white overcoat and a huge gold medallion hanging from her neck, slams the window closed.
‘Oh dear,’ I say. ‘There’s obviously been a mix-up with the costumes. I think I know what’s happened.’
It was bloody Ged and Liam and that tin of TikTok creosote. They’ve stained the outfits, mixed them up and now no one is wearing the right costume for travelling today.
‘It’s me,’ blurts Cherry. ‘I must have mixed them up. I don’t know how it’s happened, but I’ll sort it.’
‘No,’ I say. ‘It wasn’t you. It was…’ Oh God. Big Mand and Big Sue are furious enough with Ged and Liam as it is. I have very little hope of repairing the damage before we set off for the airport. ‘It was me.’
Cherry gives me a relieved look. ‘Thanks, hun, but you don’t need to cover for me.’
‘I’m not wearing this!’ yells Liberty, appearing from nowhere. ‘It’s like wearing a bloody twenty-man pop-up tent. Mandeep, I think we’ve got each other’s costumes on.’
Big Mand swings around and immediately takes the hump. ‘Are you saying I’m a fat cow?’
‘How do you know it’s not mine?’ I ask quickly. ‘In fact, it looks like it’s my size. Here, Liberty, swap with me.’
Cherry shakes her head at me. ‘It won’t work. Just let them scrap it out.’
Before either of them can come to blows, Nacho strolls round the corner wearing nothing but a small pair of swimming shorts and a smile.
He stops everyone in their tracks. He is so handsome that it causes a soothing wave of calm to ripple out across the patio.
He is like a walking meditation gong. Liberty is first to react.
She races over to kiss him on both cheeks.
He pats her on the butt and winks at her.
I think we now know where she has been disappearing off to.
I feel Cherry bristle beside me. ‘Look at her. Cheap tramp. Leave him alone.’
I feel my eyes widen with shock. I’m not the only one. Big Mand is standing with her mouth gaping open. Nacho’s eyebrows are high on his forehead.
Liberty spins slowly round to face Cherry. ‘Excuse me? What did you say?’
Why is everyone falling apart? Why are they all fighting over every tiny thing?
Cherry stands up. ‘I said leave him alone.’
‘What’s it got to do with you?’ Liberty says loudly.
The patio door swishes open. Big Sue emerges, a menacing expression on her face. She is taking up the entire frame. Tash pushes out past her to watch the showdown. Sister Kevin yawns, standing next to her in a double denim shorts and waistcoat ensemble that is two sizes too small.
‘That’s where it is!’ yells Liam from the far end of the pool. ‘Ged, honey, I’ve found it. Sister Kev is wearing my Beach Ken travel outfit. What’s going on?’
Ged joins Liam as they observe the scene from the secret entrance to their romantic hideaway cottage. All of us are staring at Liberty, who is staring at Cherry, who is staring at Nacho.
‘Nacho and I happen to have a thing going on,’ says Liberty, licking her lips provocatively.
‘What sort of thing?’ asks Cherry, sounding equally catty.
‘None of your business,’ replies Liberty, slinging an arm around Nacho’s shoulders as though he’s her property.
It’s all very playgroundy.