Chapter 18
Millie
The timer rings through the air, startling us both. Finn steps back, and I jump down to open the oven. I start to stick my
hand in to grab the baking sheet but realize at the last minute that I forgot oven mitts.
“Where the hell are the oven mitts?” I turn in a circle, wiping my forehead with the back of my hand, completely frazzled.
Finn calmly opens the drawer beside me and slides his hands into them. “I can get it.”
“Okay.” I turn in a circle again. “I’m going to run to the bathroom,” I blurt as Finn sets the cookie sheet on the stove.
Behind the safety of a closed bathroom door, I stare at my flustered reflection. I take in the thin layer of sweat dotting
my forehead, my wild eyes, and the wavy strands of hair flying in every direction around my pink cheeks.
I look way too aroused for a woman baking cookies.
Maybe I need to give myself another pep talk. That seems to be a trend lately. It was only a handful of weeks ago that I was
wiping coffee from my dress and trying to convince myself to put on blinders and ignore Finn’s rude behavior.
But this time, the lecture is for my hormones.
Get it together, ladies.
Am I ovulating or something?
That cookie-dough-licking moment was hotter than any other event in my life. My body said, Drag him to a bed . Naughty Millie is on my shoulder, whisper-shouting terrible, wonderful things in my ear.
I mentally read through the list of reasons I’m supposed to stay far away from finger-licking and blushing and thinking about
him constantly.
This guy is my coworker.
I’m trying to secure my dream job, and people are going to think I slept my way there if this goes any further.
I’m still healing from a bad relationship.
I pencil in one more item: he just said he doesn’t want to date anyone.
Looking back into the mirror, I find my eyes are still heavy and hazy. How is my reaction to this man so quick and unavoidable?
He looks at me, and lust races to the surface, regulating every movement and thought.
It’s nearly painful to stop wanting him at this point. I’ve drawn the lines and held fast to the limits, but tonight feels
like a disaster. Like I’ve just thrown it all away because the temptation is more than I can resist.
Remember why, Millie. Remember how important this job is to you and why he can never be anything more than your friend and coworker.
A knock pounds on the front door, presumably our dinner delivery, so I wash my hands and cross my fingers that I can maintain
control of my libido for the remainder of the evening.
***
“If I could be any animal in the world, I’d be a shark,” Eloise says, shoveling a scoop of fried rice into her mouth. “Then
everybody would be scared of me.”
Finn snorts a laugh. “Most people already are, piccola ,” he teases.
She shoots him a dark glare that she must’ve learned from her uncle.
“What would you be, Ave?” I ask.
“A horse because they’re pretty and they run fast,” Avery answers.
“I’d probably eat you, then.” Eloise shrugs.
“No.” Avery shakes her head. “I could run away.”
“But my teeth would bite your leg before you started running.”
“But you can’t chase me on land. You can only swim.”
“I could jump really high out of the water and land on top of you. With my teeth.” Eloise snaps her teeth together to punctuate
the point.
“Geez, this is getting violent.” I wince.
Avery sets down her spoon, giving this her full attention. “Then I won’t stay by the ocean. I’ll only drink out of rivers
and lakes.”
Eloise nods, seemingly stumped by how to win that one.
“Why are we talking about eating Avery?” Finn wonders, glancing between the girls.
Eloise waves this off. “I don’t want to eat Avery. But if I was a shark, I wouldn’t know she was my sister, so I would eat
the horse because I was hungry. Sharks are super hungry.”
Finn nods. “They don’t tend to eat many land mammals—unless you are a seal or sea lion.”
Avery shakes her head. “No, just a horse.”
“Pretty sure you’re safe, then,” I say with a giggle.
Eloise stops eating and leans to wrap an arm around Avery. “Don’t turn into a seal or a sea lion, okay? Promise?”
“Promise,” Avery confirms.
I stifle my laugh with a sip of water.
Avery scans Finn’s face. “Uncle Finn would be a wolf,” she finally decides.
He straightens his shoulders. “Because I’m strong and protective?”
“Nope. Because you sounded like a wolf when you smashed your fingers in the car door last time. You howled, remember?”
He shakes his head, but there’s a playful smile dancing across his lips. “You’re gonna get it for that one.”
Both girls drop their spoons like those are the code words to jump into action. They leap from their chairs to tickle him
as he scoots back and traps them both in his arms with an evil villain laugh. Avery and Eloise squeal as they try to fight
against him, and Finn scoops them up under his arms and carries them to the couch, dropping them in a fit of giggles.
When he makes it back to his chair, his cheeks are rosy, his eyes bright.
“Those girls adore you,” I tell him.
He glances over his shoulder toward the living room. “I adore the hell out of them.”
“Did they get to sleep okay after game night yesterday?”
He nods. “They didn’t even wake up when I brought them to their beds. They want to come back for another one.”
I smile. “You’re all welcome back to the next one. We had a blast.”
Finn’s gaze scans my face, drops over my shoulders, then runs across my collarbone, and I shiver at the phantom feeling of
his finger there earlier. Silence stretches between us, and I wonder if he’s remembering that moment too.
A muscle pops in his jaw. “You have a date tomorrow,” he says, low and gravelly.
Heat burns in my cheeks. “I think so.”
“You think?” A crease splits his brows.
I nod, squirming in my seat. “I’m going on a date.” This feels like a lie since my “date” is with Micah, but I’m not sure
how to change it at this point. My palms sweat from the intensity of his stare, and I want to simply breathe out the truth.
Let the words cleanse the air between us and reduce the pressure on my lungs.
But this is a definitive reason to stay away from each other. It’s already laid out there for me because I accidentally blurted
it. I can’t fall any further into his charm because I have a date. Therefore, no more fingers in mouths. Period.
He runs a palm over his beard and shakes his head. His mouth is a tense line as he thinks through something. Finally, he pushes
his plate to the side and leans his elbows on the table.
“Go on a date with me instead.” His voice is so sure. So clear.
My eyes flare as my stomach flips. That statement is nowhere near the list of possible responses to what I said. “What?”
One side of his lips kicks up. “Go on a date with me. Please.”
That please almost melts all my resistance, but I take a deep breath and strengthen my resolve. “I can’t.”
He stands, grabs the back of his chair, and slides it around the corner of the table to set it beside mine. He sits facing
me and drops his elbows to his knees. “Why?”
The confusion in his eyes has my shoulders slumping. “I just can’t. We work together, and we’re friends. And I thought you
said you didn’t want to date anyone.”
Grabbing the outsides of my knees, he turns me ninety degrees until I’m facing him, his thighs bracketing mine. It’s a little
cocoon, like in the coffee shop. Protective and comforting, in our own little world.
“Millie, I want to go on a date with you . Not anyone . Just you.”
The idea of going on a date with him fills my stomach with butterflies. It sounds way better than Chad from Tinder with his two-foot catfish, and I’d momentarily considered wasting my time with that guy.
But Finn is different. The rules here are worlds apart.
If he was just a random person I bumped into, I could consider saying yes to him. I could enjoy the fact that he’s asking
me out. He’d be the kind of person that—I’m scared to admit—might mean something to me. Going on a date with him might change
the trajectory of my life.
But he’s not a random person I met somewhere else. He’s a man who sits on the hiring committee for a promotion to my dream job. And while
I’ve avoided thinking about that as we’ve become friends, we definitely can’t be more than that while he is in charge of my
job prospects. It’s not right.
“I’ve been wanting you since I saw you in that elevator the very first time,” he whispers. “Then you came here and lit up
our house and our life, and I think I’m addicted to it.” His grip on my knees tightens, like he can’t help it.
“Finn.” I sigh, clenching my hands into fists. “You can’t say things like that.”
He clasps my fists in his, and I glance down at them—his big, strong hands holding my smaller ones, and his thumbs rubbing
little circles on the backs until they relax. The motion blazes a searing path straight to my core. “But I mean it.”
I shake my head. “It makes my brain fuzzy, and I can’t remember why I was trying to stay on this side of the friendship line
I drew.”
He pulls a hand away from mine and cups my jaw in his palm. “Well, every word is true.” My eyes fall closed at the light graze
of his thumb over my cheek. His fingers slide into the hair behind my ear, and I can’t stop my head from leaning into his
touch. Tingles race up my neck and into my scalp. “And I want to make you feel the same way you make me feel.”
I already know I have to tell him no, but his touch feels so good. I want to hold on to this moment where I feel warm and safe and close to him. Hide it in my heart for days when I’m feeling like the world is dark and lonely.
When I open my eyes, I find him watching me with so much raw honesty that I almost throw away all my convictions. My chest
aches to lean forward and press my lips to his.
But I regain control of myself.
“I can’t date you. As much as my brain and body are screaming at me to say yes, I can’t give in. You know how important this
promotion is for me.”
“Yes, but—” he starts, but I silence him with my fingers over his lips.
“No buts .” Finn grins behind my fingers, but I ignore it to trudge on. “I’m also putting myself back together after my last relationship,
and I don’t think I’m ready for something new. I’m scared I’ll get lost again.”
He nods, eyes searching mine, and I drop my fingers from his mouth.
Taking a deep breath, I steel myself before admitting the last bit. I look down at my lap because it’ll be easier if I can’t
see his eyes. “I don’t have a date tomorrow. I made it up because I was so anxious about everyone seeing us together last
night. I didn’t want them to know I can’t stop thinking about you.”
His warm, deep laugh encircles me, and I lift my gaze because I can’t resist seeing how it lights up his face. His eyes sparkle
with mirth, smile lines accentuated around them.
“Do you know how jealous I was?”
I scoff. “You aren’t je—”
“Hell yes, I was. You feel like mine, and the thought of you with someone else was driving me out of my mind.”
You feel like mine.
Those words hit my heart like lightning, singing through my veins.
He places a finger under my chin and tips it up gently. “Did you say you can’t stop thinking about me?” When I press my lips
together and nod, the intensity of his smile steals my breath. “It’s okay. I’m patient. I can wait until you’re ready.”
***
Oaks Folks
Mom: Wanted to let you all know that I put together an Amazon wish list for my birthday coming up. Here’s the link.
Tess: You think we need a wish list?
Mom: Just want to make sure you have some gift ideas.
Tess: I can’t afford to get you this $300 dog DNA test.
Fabes: And I refuse to get you a shirt that says, “I’m not like a regular mom. I’m a cool mom.” Have you even seen Mean Girls?
Mom: Is that a movie? I just liked the shirt.
Tess: GIF of Mean Girls scene
Millie: I call the mug that says, “My favorite child got me this.”
Tess: Too bad, I already ordered it.
Dad: This will go down in history as your mother’s most beloved day: when her daughters battled to be the favorite.
***
“How did the cookies turn out last night, Mills?” Lena asks, dipping a chip in our guacamole and popping it into her mouth.
Lena didn’t actually have plans to come to Nacho Mama’s, but Micah and I pulled her and Emil along with us for a double date.
“Good.” I take a sip of my sparkling water and squirm in my bright orange chair.
I’ve been bursting to tell them every detail of what happened last night.
Probably best if I just rip the Band-Aid off.
As the soft Latin guitar music ends, I just say it. A little too loudly. “Finn licked cookie dough off my finger.”
Heat spreads over every inch of my skin as everyone in the cantina turns my way. Lena chokes into her elbow. Micah spews margarita
out of his mouth, hitting the appetizer plate in front of him. And Emil’s glass clatters to the table, barely keeping its
balance.
The next song comes on, a little livelier, and Lena regains the ability to speak first, her eyes wide. “I’m sorry. Finn? Licked?
Your finger?”
“Yeah, those were the main parts of that sentence.” Micah nods as he brings a napkin to his lips.
Emil waves his hands in front of his face. “Start at the beginning.”
I tell them about the mixer—which I left at his house for now because I couldn’t wrap my head around taking home such an expensive
gift—how nice it felt to have Ave and El next to me making cookies, and every vivid detail of Finn’s warm mouth around my
finger. I also admit to hyperventilating afterward.
Lena fans herself with her hand. “Wow. For once, I’m speechless. Does he still think you’re on a date right now?”
My shoulders slump. “I told him the truth.” I dig my teeth into my bottom lip before adding, “And then he asked me to go on
a date with him.”
Micah smacks his hand over his chest and coughs, “The hits keep coming.”
“He wants to go on a date with you, and you’re out with us?” Lena’s shrill voice rings in my ears. “We love you, but none
of us are going to drop to our knees for you like that man would.”
My cheeks flame. “I still can’t date him.”
“Why?” everyone choruses at once.
“Two reasons.” I hold up a finger. “One. He’s on the hiring committee for my promotion. I’m not sleeping my way to that job.”
“Millie,” Lena interjects with a devious grin. “Everyone loves a forbidden relationship.” She wiggles her eyebrows up and
down.
I ignore her and continue, adding a finger to my count. “Second, I don’t know if I’m ready to date after Kyle. You were all
there for the aftermath of that, and sometimes I don’t know if I have my head on straight yet. He ruined my self-esteem so
badly, chipping away at it until I had lost who I was. What if that’s just how I am in relationships? What if I don’t notice
it when it happens again?”
The mood around the table shifts, sobering to a calm quiet. And in the silence, the sound of his voice echoes in my brain.
You’ve put on some weight.
If you stop by my office, you need to wear one of the outfits I picked out.
You’re crazy if you think I’m taking you somewhere looking like that.
Why do you need to see your family again?
Oh, stop crying. I was just having a little fun.
I always brushed it off. Disregarded the words because he said he loved me. I convinced myself that’s just what boyfriends
do sometimes.
But slowly, I couldn’t find myself anymore. I lost track of all the things that made me me . Everything I did was to please him, and even when I gave it all my best effort, there was always something else he wanted
to change.
My friends and family were all searching for the wound, trying to figure out what was wrong, but I couldn’t tell them where
it was, because I didn’t even know how to find it myself.
Emil covers my hand with his. “Has Finn made you feel that way? Like you’re losing yourself?”
I shake my head, wiping a tear that falls down my cheek. “Never. Not at all.”
Lena stands and wraps her arms around me. “How you felt in your relationship with Kyle is on him . It wasn’t you in any way.”
“She’s right,” Micah agrees. “I wish that shithead was here so we could all take a swing at him.”
Emil nods. “A hard knee to the balls.”
Lena kneels next to me, her jeans hitting the gummy linoleum floors. She grabs my cheeks in her hands and turns me to face her. “His manipulating and gaslighting and control issues didn’t break you, Mills. You are strong in spite of him—in spite of everything you went through. And wouldn’t it be the best retribution to get your own happily ever after one day? Because you will. Whether it’s now or in ten years, you’ll be in a healthy, loving, stable relationship, and he’ll still belong in a dumpster with the rest of the trash.” She wipes away the tears dripping from my eyes, her fierce expression holding me captive.
“But what if I’m not tough like you? You’re the one graced with all the bravery and strength.”
“You don’t have to be the loudest in the room to be the strongest. You’re as brave and strong as me—you simply don’t believe
it yet. But we’ll show you. We’ll cheer for you and encourage you until you realize what we’ve always seen.”
I nod, trying my best to believe her.
“Can we do an experiment?” Lena asks, putting her hands on my knees.
“What kind of experiment?” I ask skeptically.
“Just a visualization exercise.” She gives a casual shrug.
A collective groan resounds from Micah, Emil, and me.
“You and your visualizations,” I grumble.
Lena smiles. “I think you’ll like this one.”
“Fine.” I let my eyes drift closed, already knowing exactly what she’s going to tell me to do. Lena believes in the power
of visualizing and manifesting much more than I do, but I humor her occasionally.
“Take a deep breath,” she whispers. “And then you’re going to picture your future. Don’t think too hard about it—just let
whatever comes up flow naturally through your thoughts. Don’t fight it either. I know how you are.” She pokes my knee, but
I keep my eyes shut.
“Okay,” I mutter, almost nervous to see what future my subconscious is dreaming up.
“Go ahead. See what comes to mind,” she encourages.
I take a deep breath and let the sounds of the cantina become static in my ears as I try to concentrate on summoning an image
of what I want in the future.
Immediately, my mind betrays me by giving me a picture of Finn and me in bed.
My shoulders tense, and I almost open my eyes to end it, but Lena soothes her hands over mine and whispers, “Keep going. Let
it happen.”
Swallowing the urge to argue with her, I recenter my thoughts. It feels like I’m trying to focus a pair of binoculars on a
distant view, and when the image finally clears, I can’t breathe.
Finn and I are under a navy duvet, waking up slowly to the morning sunlight trickling through white curtains. My head rests
on his bare chest, my leg slung over his and his arms wrapped around me. It’s the safest place in the universe—our own little
bubble away from the chaos of the outside world.
A quiet “good morning” whispers against my hair, and a kiss brushes my forehead. It’s a kiss of reverence and love, like we’ve
done this a million times, but it’s still as special as the first. I look up into his eyes, the same deep blue of our duvet,
and rub my hand over his short beard, feeling it tickle against my palm. He hums and pulls me closer.
The door bursts open, and Avery and Eloise jump right on top of us, giggling as Pepper hops in after them. The girls beg for
pancakes, and Finn convinces them to go downstairs and wait for us in the kitchen. He drags me out of bed and kisses my lips
and cheeks and neck, hands roaming all over me for a stolen moment before a busy day.
A soft hum echoes on each side of me, breaking me out of the visualization.
The fantasy I didn’t know I desired.
The perfect dream I’m heartsick over leaving.
Lena smiles and sighs. “I think you have your answer.”
***
That night, as I’m brushing my teeth, my phone chimes with a text. I rinse out my mouth and grab it from the end of my bed,
excitement tingling through my fingers when I see Finn’s name on the screen.
Finn: I can’t stop eating these snickerdoodles. They’re addictive.
Millie: I stuck some dough in your freezer. That’s my favorite way to eat it.
Finn: My favorite way involves your fingers, so I’ll have to wait until you’re here.