CHAPTER NINETEEN
The team had a little downtime at the hotel before they had to leave for the cruise, and Jesse was half-dressed when he heard a quick rap on his door.
He opened it to find Connor standing there with his phone out.
“Hey,” Jesse said, surprised. Hell yeah. Maybe he’d changed his mind about hooking up on the road. “What’s up?”
“Uh, hey. Do you have a minute? The girls wanna say goodnight to you.” Connor waved his phone, showing off a video chat.
“To me ?”
“Yeah.”
“Sure. Yeah, of course.”
Jesse took the phone from Connor, holding the door open, nodding for him to come in. “Hi, Evie, hi, Maura!” he said, grinning at the screen.
“Hi, Jesse!” Evie giggled, waving. “Daddy said your room was right next to his at the hotel.”
“Yep,” he said, taking a seat in the chair by the window. “Are you getting ready for bed?”
“All ready!” Evie held up her book and Maura waved a stuffed animal.
Shit, that reminded Jesse, he needed to figure out what to bring back for them.
Jesse talked to the girls about their days for a few minutes, before Evie changed the subject. “Daddy said you played games today. Not hockey, but another kind.”
“Yep, we had to solve a mystery!”
“Daddy said his team beat yours because you made a mess.”
Jesse scowled. “Hey?—”
“Annnddd that’s enough,” Connor said, plucking the phone from his hand. “It’s time for bed. Say goodnight to Jesse, girls.”
“Night, Jesse!” they chorused.
He stuck his face in front of Connor’s screen so he could wave. “G’night! Sleep tight! Don’t let the wildebeest bite!”
That set them off into a fit of giggles and they were still laughing when Connor said goodnight and ended the video call. Connor had a faint smile on his face as he took a seat on the end of Jesse’s bed, tossing the phone onto the mattress beside him.
“You’re good with them,” he said thoughtfully.
Jesse shrugged. “Kids are easy. They like people who aren’t afraid to be silly with them. It’s not like I’m doing the hard work like you are.”
“Yeah, fair.” Connor sighed, rubbing his eyes.
“Hey, you doing okay?” Jesse asked, frowning. “I’m sure it’s hard leaving them.”
“It is. It’s easier with Nolan now, thankfully. We text a lot, plus he’s at an age where he’s starting to be a lot more independent. But the girls …” He winced. “Sometimes I think I should fucking retire and stay home with them.”
Jesse studied his face. “Is this something you’re seriously considering or just feeling right now?”
Connor sighed. “It comes and goes. It’s stronger right now but nah, I’m not seriously planning it. Not while I’m still playing well. Not when I want another Cup. It’s a fucking insane long shot to think we’ll be able to pull it off but I have to try. My family … you know how much I love them but fuck , that legacy is a lot to live up to.”
Jesse nodded because yeah, he could imagine it was. His own father had been a pro baseball player and now was a successful GM of a pro baseball team, so there’d been some pressure there to follow in his footsteps. But Jesse had always preferred hockey to baseball and his dad had understood.
Jesse hadn’t had a father and two older brothers in the same sport—on the same team —who were all frighteningly accomplished.
“You don’t have to be exactly like them though,” Jesse pointed out.
“I know. And I don’t expect to be. But I’d like to have some fucking success on my own.”
Jesse frowned, concerned by the bitter note in his voice. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” Connor rubbed a hand across his face. “Hangry, maybe. I need to get some food in me.”
Jesse stood, digging a protein bar out of his carry-on bag. He flipped it to Connor. “Here.”
Connor gave him a faint smile. “Thanks. I have some in my room though.”
“But you’re in my room at the moment. So, enjoy.”
Connor shrugged and peeled back the wrapper, taking a big bite. “Thanks.”
“Sure.”
“Know what else will cheer you up?” Jesse asked, sauntering toward him.
Connor shot him a skeptical glance. “No. What?”
“A nice sloppy blowjob.” He licked his lips.
Connor groaned. “Jesse … we talked about this.”
“No, you talked about it,” Jesse pointed out. “And you’re in my room already, so why not take advantage?”
“We’re leaving for supper in like twenty minutes. You’re not even dressed.”
Jesse shrugged, dropping to his knees. “Good. I won’t make a mess of my nice suit.”
“Jesse …”
“Connor.” Jesse settled his hands on Connor’s thighs. “Do you want a blowjob or not?”
Connor groaned, settling his hands on Jesse’s head. “Of course I do.”
“Then what are we waiting for?”
Fifteen minutes later, both fully dressed, Connor peered through the peephole of Jesse’s door. “I think the coast is clear,” he hissed.
“Dude. It’ll be fine , Connor.”
“I’ve gotta duck into my room and grab my jacket and wallet. You follow in five. Come down in a different elevator.” He spoke in a stage whisper.
Jesse rolled his eyes. “Sure. Okay.”
Connor turned back to face him. “I’m being serious!”
“So am I. I’m not gonna out you,” Jesse said.
Connor’s shoulders slumped. “It’s not just that.”
“Hey, I know.” Jesse patted Connor’s chest. He looked so fucking good in a pair of charcoal slacks and a crisp white button-down shirt. Goddamn were his eyes pretty right now too. Such a deep shade of blue under those glowering ginger brows. “You’re trying to be a good captain and lead by example. I get it. I’m not going to fuck shit up for you, I promise.”
Connor hesitated, like he was about to say something but thought better of it. Instead, he frowned, reaching up to thumb at Jesse’s mouth. “Shit, your lips are red.”
Jesse glanced in the nearby mirror, then shrugged. They were a little pink and swollen, maybe. He got pretty into giving head. “Yeah. So?”
“Well, isn’t everyone gonna know why?”
Jesse laughed. “Trust me, no one else is paying attention to my mouth. It’ll be fine. Go! I’ll be down in five. I promise, I’ve got you.”
Connor hesitated, then leaned in, brushing their lips together. “Okay. I trust you.”
He peered out the peephole one more time, then disappeared through the door.
Jesse dicked around on his phone for a few minutes before he stepped out into the hallway too. The hall was empty, though when he turned the corner, he saw Connor disappear into a closing elevator.
Jesse got in the next one, riding it to the first floor. In the lobby, he ducked into the gift shop to buy some candy. Maybe Connor was being paranoid but he supposed it couldn’t hurt to be more careful. Jesse popped a lifesaver in his mouth, then casually strolled toward the cluster of hockey players in one of the seating areas.
Thankfully, not everyone was there yet so he wasn’t the last to arrive. Tanner squinted as he approached. “Dude. Why does it look like you’re wearing lipstick?”
Jesse stuck out his tongue, showing off the candy. “Cherry. You want one?”
Tanner nodded so Jesse pulled the roll out of his pocket and dropped one into Tanner’s hand. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Connor staring at him with a relieved look on his face.
Okay, so maybe his paranoia wasn’t completely crazy.
The team was noisy and excited as they walked up the gangplank of the small cruise ship. It would take them on a two-and-a-half-hour tour of downtown Portland, traveling along the Willamette River.
There would be supper and live music and, surprisingly for the Pacific Northwest, the weather appeared to be cooperating. It was clear out, with only a handful of puffy clouds in the sky.
Connor was looking forward to the evening. It had been a bitch and a half to organize; trying to get everyone to make their meal and drink selections ahead of time had been like pulling teeth, but he was hopeful it would be an enjoyable outing.
Truthfully, his good mood was partially due to having Jesse’s mouth on him. Connor’s body was still buzzing from the blowjob. He shouldn’t have caved, but it was hard to resist Jesse when he was down on his knees, begging for Connor to let him suck his dick. And, well, Connor wasn’t much good at pretending he was a strong man when it came to Jesse Webber.
Jesse looked fantastic right now in a pink suit and white shirt, unbuttoned at the throat. Connor took another look. Was it pink? Connor wasn’t sure. Salmon, maybe? Either way, it was beautifully tailored to his body and the color worked for him. He looked so happy and relaxed too, laughing and joking with the guys while they filed onto the boat.
The top level of the ship held a lounge area partially open to the elements. Below were two levels of dining, with bars and live piano music. Connor checked in with someone with a clipboard, who directed them to the middle level where they had tables reserved.
They were far from the only people on the ship, so Connor—with some help from Graham, herded the guys in the right direction.
It looked like many of the people here were couples out for a romantic evening cruise, but there were a few other groups. There was cluster of younger women who might be celebrating a birthday based off the gift bags and boxes they carried, and another group of older women who looked more intent on getting drunk than hockey players, if the way they beat them to the bar was any clue.
But before Connor could point that out to Graham, a man wearing a captain’s uniform and holding a microphone stepped forward. He gave a little speech introducing himself, then went through safety instructions and explained they’d be cruising upriver toward Milwaukie, then turn around and head back to downtown Portland.
After getting a drink, they were directed to take a seat. There were two long tables set up, with little name cards. Jesse was at one end of the table, and Connor at the other, seated across from Dakota Crane, the new yoga and Pilates instructor for the franchise.
The name and job had made most of the team assume the instructor would be a woman and had been very surprised when they came face-to-face with a thirty-year-old man.
He was lean and lanky, with a mop of dirty blond hair, darker stubble, and olive-toned skin.
“So, did you get in trouble and get demoted from the big boy table or something, Crane?” Graham asked as he took a seat next to Connor. He nodded toward the tables with their GM, coaches, athletic trainers, and other assorted team personnel.
Dakota laughed. “Something like that. There weren’t enough seats there, I guess. Hope you don’t mind me crashing your party. You’d probably rather have me here than Racine or something, right?”
Connor shrugged. “I don’t mind Racine but yeah, you’re definitely welcome here.”
Graham nodded his agreement.
“So, this is really cool,” Dakota said, glancing out the window next to their table. “I’ve never done anything like it.”
“I hope it’ll be fun,” Connor said with a shrug. “But as long as the food and drinks are good, there shouldn’t be a mutiny, even if it winds up being kinda boring.”
Dakota chuckled. “Well, the menu looked good. I was glad to see there were vegetarian options.”
“Oh, you’re vegetarian?” Graham asked.
“Yeah. Have been for years. I always hope I can be a good example of how you can still get enough protein without meat but I know this is a tough crowd.” He gave Connor and Graham a rueful smile.
“Shit, you aren’t kidding,” Connor joked. There were certainly guys in the league who were vegetarians and vegans, but not on this team. “Talk about starting riots. The team chef and dieticians tried to introduce more plant-based meals into the rotation a few seasons ago and nearly got themselves fired.”
Dakota laughed and reached for his glass of water. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
A moment later, several people on the waitstaff appeared with wooden boards topped with local cheese, fruits, breads, crackers, seafood, and various sauces.
“You’re okay with us eating the seafood and meat around you, right?” Connor asked, checking in with Dakota.
Connor’d had a teammate with a shellfish allergy when he was growing up and didn’t want to accidentally send the yoga instructor to the emergency room or anything.
Dakota waved it off. “Yeah, you’re good. It’s just a personal preference.”
“Cool.” Connor began loading his plate with food. “So where are you from?”
Connor had worked with Dakota since his arrival, discussing some new flexibility and dynamic mobility workouts he could add to his training this season, but he hadn’t had any one-on-one time to get to know the guy.
“I grew up in Seattle actually and moved from there recently.”
“Oh, cool. Will you be seeing family while we’re there?” From Portland, the team would be traveling to Seattle, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Calgary before heading home.
Dakota shrugged. “Well, my sister lives in Boston, actually, but I am hoping to see my parents. We’ll see. You guys keep me busy.”
Graham laughed. “We try.”
Connor tuned them out for a few minutes while he munched on crostini topped with herbed cream cheese and smoked steelhead trout.
Out of the corner of his eye, he kept catching glimpses of a woman with long dark hair, seated at a cozy table for two with a man Connor presumed was her boyfriend or husband. He could only see her from the back, but she reminded him so much of Viv.
The sight sent a sharp little ache through him.
He thought about all of the dates he’d missed over the years. The birthdays, the Valentine’s Days. She’d been understanding about it for years, but after a while, it had clearly started to bother her. He’d found himself apologizing, sending gifts to try to smooth over the rough patches.
But the truth was, he’d been a shitty husband.
He glanced back at the table to see the couple holding hands, the guy staring at the woman adoringly. Connor had looked at Viv like that, had adored her, but he hadn’t done a great job telling her how he felt.
The guys on the team had been bugging him since his divorce to date, but he’d always figured he’d wait until he was retired. Even if he had time to date—which he didn’t—it seemed unfair to do the same damn thing to someone new.
What he had with Jesse was perfect, really. He didn’t feel so lonely with Jesse around. Making oats for the girls in the mornings, driving Connor crazy when he stretched on the floor while they watched TV or movies, and riding with him to HCI and the arena.
Jesse had slid neatly into his life and was great in bed. It was all of the perks of a relationship without any of the complications of one. Exactly what Connor needed.
“Connor?” Graham said. “You want any more?”
He glanced over to see his teammate offering him the nearly empty platter.
“Shit,” Connor said. “Thanks. I should know better than to leave food unattended around you guys.”
He grabbed some more appetizers, then took a sip of the drink he’d hardly touched.
“You know,” Graham said thoughtfully, nodding toward the couple Connor had been eyeing earlier. “I wonder if there’s anything like this in Boston. This would be great for a date night.”
“I had that thought too,” Dakota said.
“There are river and harbor cruises,” Connor said. “I looked into it once, back when I was with Viv.”
He’d never actually followed through and done it though. There was one more point in the “shitty husband” column, apparently.
God, was he a selfish asshole or what? And apparently, he hadn’t learned his lesson.
Not that it was the same, but Jesse had blown him earlier and he hadn’t even gotten Jesse off. Sure, they hadn’t had much time, but was Connor really gonna leave Jesse hanging for the rest of this road trip? Talk about selfish.
And yeah, Connor didn’t want to risk anyone finding out. He had more than enough pressure on him already. But Jesse was a lot more careful than Connor gave him credit for.
The whole thing with the cherry lifesavers had been clever. Jesse might be a lot of things, but he was smart . And even when he didn’t agree with Connor, he’d looked out for him. So why was Connor always leaping to the conclusion that Jesse was careless?
Okay, so, yes, maybe there was some history there to back that up. But it did seem like he’d settled down a little since he’d been in Boston.
But even before then, he’d been so good for the Fisher Cats during the playoffs. So clutch when they needed that most.
An idea started to form itself in Connor’s head. It almost seemed like Jesse responded well to responsibility. Did he get reckless and chaotic when there was no structure? When there were no expectations placed on him? Clearly, Jesse was capable of self-discipline and team commitment under the right circumstances.
Then again, he wouldn’t have made it to the NHL if he wasn’t.
Connor was gonna have to find other ways to help Jesse going forward. It was a shame goaltenders couldn’t be assistant captains, because, honestly, from what he’d seen, Jesse would be perfect in that role.
He was sociable and friendly, good at drawing in the quieter guys and getting them to loosen up and feel like they belonged. Hell, Connor had watched him argue with the linesman during a pre-season game, advocating for Tanner, when they’d tried to call a bullshit penalty on him.
Maybe there was something to that then.
Sure, he couldn’t wear the A on his sweater officially, but maybe Connor could find a way for him to step into the role unofficially. Not everyone in a leadership role in the locker room had to officially be granted a title.
“You okay? You’re quiet tonight,” Graham asked quietly, elbowing him in the ribs. The waitstaff cleared the table of the plates from the salad Connor had hardly noticed he was eating.
“Oh, sorry,” Connor said. “Just thinking about things.”
“Missing the kids?”
Connor nodded, because that was always there, even when he wasn’t actively thinking about it. “Yeah. It’s tough. And it’s a lot tougher since the divorce.”
“Oh, you’re divorced?” Dakota said after they got their entrees. “I’m sorry to hear that.”
Connor nodded, reaching for his knife and fork. The steelhead trout, wild rice, and sauteed vegetables he’d ordered looked great.
“Yeah, thanks. It was tough on the kids.” Him too but, whatever, he’d survive.
“What about you?” Graham asked. “Are you married, Dakota?”
He didn’t wear a ring, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything.
“I’m not.” Dakota looked down at his butternut squash ravioli. “I’m actually, uh, gay.”
Connor frowned. “Doesn’t mean you couldn’t be married. My brother—Kelly—he married his boyfriend Anders last summer.”
“True. Look, I didn’t mean anything by it. That was my very unsubtle way of coming out. I never know how to slide it into conversation without making it weird.”
Connor laughed. “You’re fine. And you’re welcome here, you know that right?”
Dakota hesitated. “I assumed,” he said after a moment. “What with Racine being gay and all. Plus, Jesse and Tanner are bi, right?”
And me, Connor thought, but Jesse was the only one in the organization who knew the truth. He felt a flash of guilt. He wondered how many guys like Dakota hesitated to work for a franchise or sign with a team, not knowing how they’d be received.
Fuck. Connor should talk to Kelly. Not about being bi or anything, but about how to tell the hockey community that Boston was a place they could feel safe.
And really, it was better for the team.
Evanston and Toronto had made it clear there were plenty of talented guys out there who were LGBTQ+. And how many guys like Connor were out there still? Not straight, but not quite ready to be open.
If they could attract talent to Boston, that would only benefit them in the long run.
“Right. Well, you’re welcome here,” Connor told Dakota firmly. “And if anyone does anything to make you feel less than welcome, please let me know. I’ll take care of it.”
“Thanks.” Dakota flashed him a smile. “Appreciate it.”
Jesse pushed away his empty dessert plate with a sigh. Dinner had been delicious. He’d had the rack of lamb and potatoes and a super fucking tasty lemon cake with berries.
After grabbing another drink from the bar, he glanced around.
Most of the guys had dispersed, some to get more drinks, some to pester the piano player and make song requests. Jesse doubted the old guy knew most of the songs they wanted, but who knew?
The rest of Jesse’s teammates were outside probably, watching the city go by.
Jesse wandered out there, wondering where Connor had gone. He’d disappeared quickly after dinner. For all Jesse knew, maybe he was seasick. Kady was starting to look a little green around the gills.
But when Jesse strolled the top tier of the ship, he found Connor tucked along one side of the railing—staring out at the Portland skyline. The sun had set and it glittered brightly in the dark night.
“Hey,” Jesse said, still a few feet away.
Connor glanced over, his stern expression softening. “Hey yourself.”
“Mind some company?”
Connor shook his head.
Jesse strolled over and they stood in silence for a few minutes, the city slipping slowly by as the boat traveled downstream.
“This was a good suggestion,” Connor finally said, leaning on the railing and letting out a sigh. He wore a vest and trousers, his shirtsleeves rolled up to reveal his strong forearms. Damn . He looked good.
“Glad you liked it.” Jesse studied his face. “You okay?”
Connor shrugged. “Yeah. Just have a lot on my mind.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“Not at the moment.” Connor looked over, meeting his gaze. “But maybe some other time?”
“Okay.” Jesse took a sip of his cocktail and, for a few moments, they stared out at the skyline in silence.
“So, it looked like you were hitting it off with Dakota tonight,” he finally said.
Connor raised an eyebrow. “Jealous?”
He was clearly joking, but Jesse gave him a lopsided little smile and shrug. “Sort of? Maybe not in the way you think but it did make me …” He hesitated. “It made me a little envious you can talk to him all night and no one would think twice.”
“You live with me, Jesse,” Connor said with a soft laugh. “We spend a lot of time together.”
“I know. It’s dumb.” Jesse shrugged, still smiling, because he wasn’t upset or anything. “I … I’ve never had to hide being involved with a teammate before. It feels weird is all.”
“Oh.” Connor frowned. “Are you … are you changing your mind about this?”
“No, you dummy,” Jesse said, nudging him with his elbow. “I’m telling you I like hanging out with you. And I feel weird about hiding shit, but I’ll deal. If I want to change my mind, I’ll tell you.”
Connor nodded, glancing back at the city. “That would be good. Because sometimes I get so buried in stuff for the team or the kids, I don’t see what’s right in front of my face. I know it’s not the same situation, or even close to it, but with Viv … I missed a lot of stuff. And I don’t mean the actual holidays and events. I missed the signs we weren’t working. That she was so unhappy. That she wanted out of our marriage.”
Jesse winced. “That sucks.”
“Yeah, yeah it does.” Connor released a heavy sigh. “So if you’re good with being upfront with me, I’d like that a lot.”
“I can do that,” Jesse promised.
They were both silent for a few minutes, the low rumble of the boat’s engines filling the air.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you about hooking up on the road,” Jesse said quietly.
Connor licked his lips. “No, I think I was wrong earlier. You handled the question from Tanner well.”
Jesse shrugged. “Still, I don’t want to stress you out.”
“Someday, when I have gray hairs, I’ll bet half of them were caused by you,” Connor said drily. “But it’s fine. I definitely wouldn’t have lasted ten days without touching you.”
“Yeah?” Jesse’s grin was crooked and pleased.
“Yeah. In fact, you should come by my room later tonight.” Clearly feeling daring, Connor leaned in so their upper arms were pressed together. “I owe you one.”
Jesse shot him a smug smile. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to resist me for long.”
Connor knocked shoulders with him. “Shut up and take the win, dude.”
“Yes, Captain Growly.”