CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“Thanks for the ride!” Jesse called out, shutting the passenger door of Tanner’s SUV behind him.
Tanner waved, then took off, nearly ripping off the mirror on the van parked nearby. God, Jesse could tell Tanner was a fucking Massachusetts native.
Jesse unlocked the front door, then frowned when he saw the alarm had already been disabled. He glanced around and spotted two pairs of sneakers.
Ahh, Nolan must be home. And from the look of the shoes, he probably had his friend Kyler over. They played on the same hockey team and he lived down the street. The boys were inseparable and from what Jesse could tell, more or less lived at each other’s houses.
Jesse padded down the carpeted stairs to the basement, wanting to let them know he was here. But he froze when he got halfway down. The boys were seated on the couch, laughing together about something. They sat close together and Nolan had a sweet, shy smile on his face as he looked at Kyler.
“You were so great at practice yesterday,” Nolan said breathlessly.
“Yeah?” Kyler sounded pleased as he ducked his head, looking up through his lashes at Nolan.
“Yeah. Like, that goal you had …”
Jesse could practically see the heart-eyes from here, so he smiled to himself, turning away to creep up the stairs. But he must not have been quiet enough or they caught the movement in their peripheral vision, because Nolan yelped, “Jesse!”
Jesse turned back to see that he’d bolted off the couch and stared, wide-eyed.
“Hey,” Jesse said, trying to be casual. “Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted to let you know I was home.”
Ugh . Shitty timing. He should have hung around the rink longer, or taken Tanner up on going with him to shop for a TV for his new apartment. He hadn’t meant to interrupt Nolan and Kyler’s flirting. Because that was totally what that was.
Jesse wondered if Connor knew.
“You weren’t interrupting. We were playing video games,” Nolan blurted out, his face red.
The TV screen showed that the game had ended and Jesse wondered how long ago that had happened. “Cool. Have fun. I won’t bug you. Let me know if you need anything though.”
Jesse went upstairs to the second floor, grabbed a sweatshirt, peed, then jogged back downstairs to the first floor. He frowned when he noticed Kyler’s shoes were gone now. Weird . Hopefully he hadn’t freaked the kids out. Honestly, it was kinda cute the way they were clearly crushing on each other.
With a shrug, Jesse headed to the kitchen, rummaging around in the refrigerator to see if anything looked good. He’d eaten before he left HCI but his stomach was still rumbling. He pulled out some slightly dried-out but still edible carrots and a bottle of yogurt ranch dressing. When he turned to set them on the counter, he nearly yelped when he came face-to-face with Nolan. “Uhh, hi. What’s up, Nolan?”
He was very red and had his hands stuffed in the pockets of his hoodie. “Nothing.”
“Okayyy,” Jesse said slowly. “Did Kyler head out? He didn’t have to.”
“Oh, um, he had some homework to do.”
“Sure. That’s cool.”
“I didn’t expect you to come back so early. Dad said he’d be home late because he had a meeting with his GM and I—I thought you’d ride with him.” Nolan’s words tumbled out a little too fast and he wouldn’t meet Jesse’s gaze, staring down at the floor.
Jesse shrugged and got a plate for his carrots, squirting some ranch onto it. “I was done early. No meeting for me so I caught a ride with Tanner Clayton.”
“Right.” Nolan shuffled a little awkwardly, his socked feet flexing on the hardwood floors as he scrunched his toes. He had big feet and hands, in that awkward stage where he reminded Jesse of a big puppy whose body hadn’t quite caught up to its paws.
“So,” Jesse said. “Do you want to talk about something?”
“Um, kind of?”
“Okay.” Jesse dragged a carrot through the puddle of dressing. “What do you want to talk about?”
Nolan turned away and stuck his head in the pantry cabinet, returning with a bag of popcorn. He stuffed it in the microwave, hit the pre-set button, then cleared his throat.
“So, uh, how did you know ?” Nolan asked, glancing up through his lashes, expression painfully earnest and uncertain.
“Uhh, that I was bi?” Jesse guessed, because he couldn’t imagine what else Nolan would be so uncomfortable about.
Nolan nodded.
“Shit, I don’t even remember,” Jesse said. “I was always kinda …”
In pre-school, his version of hide and seek had involved kissing whoever he found. And he hadn’t been picky about if they were boys or girls.
“Oh.”
“But not everyone figures it out right away,” Jesse pointed out with a shrug. “Lots of people don’t.”
Your father didn’t , he thought, but he couldn’t exactly tell Nolan.
“No?”
“Nope.” Jesse wracked his brain for an example. “Oh, so my former teammate, Felix Hale, he didn’t realize he was bi until he was like thirty.”
“Really?”
“Really. But he’s kinda slow anyway. The dude practically acted married to his best friend, Jonah, long before they were dating. It should have been fucking obvious. They’re both idiots though. Nice guys, but, you know, kinda dumb.”
Nolan cracked a smile. “But what if I think I might not be bi. What if I think I might … might be gay .”
The last part came out as a whisper and Jesse’s heart ached because fuck, this had to be so hard for him. Because while being bi came with its own set of complications, being gay seemed tougher in the world of hockey.
“Okayyy,” Jesse said. “Well, that’s cool if you are.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I know Uncle Anders is bi, but I think I might, um, like guys more, you know? Like Uncle Kelly does.”
“Sure. You could still be bi even if you like guys more. But if you aren’t interested in girls at all, then you’ll kinda know. But, you know, it’s cool if you don’t know too. You don’t have to have it all figured out right away.”
Nolan nodded.
“So, I’m just saying, you have time to figure it out. It doesn’t have to be something you ever have to decide, really. And whatever you decide, you can choose to come out or not come out.” He shrugged. “They’re all good. Whatever feels the most comfortable for you.”
“Right, I know.”
“Am I the first person you’ve told?” Jesse crunched into a carrot.
Nolan gave a short nod.
Shiiiiiit . “Well, I’m really honored you felt like you could talk to me.”
Because sure, Jesse had walked in on him and Kyler but they weren’t actually doing anything. Nolan could have easily pretended like nothing had happened. Though Jesse kinda suspected Nolan was as bad of a liar as his father was. Maybe he’d been afraid Jesse would call him out or something.
Or that he’d tell his father.
“You’re just so …” Nolan looked up. “So, like … cool and stuff. And you seem like you have it all figured out.”
Jesse threw back his head and laughed. “I so don’t. And don’t let any adult fool you into thinking they do. We’re all making it up as we go. But I’m totally flattered you think that about me.”
Connor sure didn’t think that about him, but thankfully, Connor seemed into his chaos demon ways.
Nolan gave him another smile, this one more relaxed and natural looking. “Well, I thought you’d get it at least.”
“I’m always happy to listen,” Jesse said. Because honestly, he didn’t really get it. He’d never felt freaked out about his sexuality. He’d always been himself and his family had never made a big deal of it and even his teammates had been cool for the most part. But for Nolan’s sake, he wanted to understand. To make him feel supported.
Nolan slumped onto a stool, leaning his elbows on the counter. “I just like … I don’t know what to do .”
“About what?” Jesse grabbed one of the other stools, dragging it around so he and Nolan sat kitty corner to each other and he could look at Nolan’s face while they talked.
“Like, if I should tell my parents.” The microwave beeped and Nolan hopped off the stool to grab his popcorn.
Oh shit , Jesse mouthed behind his back. “Well,” he said aloud. “If you do decide to, your dad will be great.”
“Will he?” Nolan’s expression was back to being painfully earnest.
“Absolutely. He loves the fuck out of you.”
“I know but like … won’t he be disappointed?” Nolan dumped the popcorn in the bowl.
“Of course not!” Connor would be a lot of things but Jesse couldn’t imagine him being disappointed his son was bisexual. Worried about him? Yes. But never disappointed.
“He kinda took it hard when Uncle Kelly came out.” Nolan slumped on the stool again, cradling his food.
Jesse nodded. “I get that. Look, I wasn’t here for that so you’d know more about it than I do. But I get the feeling he was shocked by the news and upset at himself for making Kelly feel like he couldn’t tell him sooner.”
“Sure, but …” Nolan crammed a bunch of popcorn in his mouth.
“But what?” Jesse asked when Nolan didn’t finish.
“But like, Uncle Kelly wasn’t his kid .”
“You think it’ll be different for you?”
Nolan shrugged. “I mean, this whole family is so … like everyone’s so good at hockey and they’re all married with kids?—”
“Kelly and Anders have kids?” Jesse asked, confused.
“Well no, not yet, but they’re talking about it happening in the next year or two or whatever …”
“And you feel different than all of them?” Jesse guessed.
“Sometimes. I mean, I know I’m too young to get married and have kids but like … even my older cousins are settling down and talking about getting married and having families and I feel like I’m not—not like they are somehow.”
“Well, I have it on good authority you’re good at hockey too,” Jesse said. “In fact, your dad was bragging about you while we were on the road. Your grandpa had sent him some footage of the goal you scored in the game and he was showing it off to everyone on the team.”
“Really?” This time, Jesse was pretty sure Nolan’s flush was from pleasure, not embarrassment.
“Really. Totally bragging you up.”
“Okay. But I’m still … maybe gay and …”
“You might be,” Jesse agreed. “But so is your Uncle Kelly. And your Uncle Anders is bi. And I know he’s not a blood relative, but hello, they just got married last summer. That’s also a sign you can get married and have a family if that’s what you want someday. And you can play fucking great hockey while you do it.”
“You think so?”
“ Dude . Have you not been paying attention to which teams have been killing it in the postseason lately? They’re totally queer. And hi, did you forget about me? Bisexual and Stanley Cup winner here,” he teased. “I’m the total package.”
Nolan giggled. “True.”
“So, I get that it’s scary. And I get feeling different. Because I’ve always been different too. My family’s great, they’re supportive, but they’re kinda quiet and reserved and you know, straight . And I was always the one creating chaos everywhere I went and being unapologetically not straight.”
“But like, that’s what’s cool about you.”
“Well, obviously,” Jesse said because he knew it would make Nolan laugh. “I’m the best. But you just have to figure out how to be your best.”
“So I can be—be gay and play hockey and be myself?”
“Totally,” Jesse assured him. Honestly, Nolan should know all that, but if he was feeling less than confident about things, it made sense he might question it. Need some reassurance. “And you’re gonna be a better hockey player if you feel good about being yourself, you know?”
Jesse honestly believed that. He’d seen it happen in Toronto. And he was pretty sure the same thing had happened in Evanston. The guys who were no longer hiding, the ones who felt safe and happy and liked themselves, played better. They felt better about themselves and that translated to their game.
Confidence bred confidence.
“I know.”
“And hey, you know your family will be supportive so that’s good.”
“My mom won’t,” Nolan said bitterly and Jesse winced because fuck, he’d forgotten about that. Fuck Viv and her stupid fucking church. Connor’s church wasn’t so great either but he was open-minded enough to step away from it when it came to this shit.
“Fuck,” Jesse said.
Nolan nodded. “Exactly.”
“Okay, well … I’m definitely not gonna tell her,” Jesse assured Nolan. “You don’t have to tell anyone about that.”
“Good. Because like … I’m not sure I’m ready to tell anyone but you yet. You won’t tell Dad, will you?”
“Uhh,” Jesse said, because that put him in a really awkward position. “I don’t love having secrets from my, uh, my captain and my friend, Nolan.”
“I know.” Nolan’s shoulders slumped.
“But I definitely don’t want to out you without your permission.”
“Really?” Nolan glanced up, eyes big and worry filled.
“How about this?” Jesse said. “I won’t say anything to him if you promise you’ll think about telling him yourself. I’m not like, trying to force you to do it. This isn’t an ultimatum, but I think it would be good if you considered telling him.”
“Ugh. Fine.”
“He loves you, Nolan,” Jesse said softly. “He really does. And he wants to support you. I’m not trying to pressure you, I swear. I just want you to remember that. Give the dude some credit—it sounds like he’s come a long way since your Uncle Kelly came out.”
Way, way further than Nolan knew.
“Yeah, true. He has. He was the first parent who spoke up and supported Jayden—this guy on my team—when he came out last season and some of the other parents were being weird about it.”
“See? There you go. He’ll totally be in your corner if you need it.”
Nolan stared Jesse in the eye like he was testing Jesse to see if he really believed it, before he nodded. “I know.”
“So, are you and Kyler …”
“Ugh.” Nolan made this weird flopping motion in the chair. “I don’t know.”
“Well, have you ever talked about it?”
“No! He has no idea I’m into him. Or … any guys.”
“Do you know if he is into guys?”
“No. Like … sometimes I think maybe he’s into me too? But he was totally flirting with this girl at school. He asked her to borrow a pencil for the quiz the other day.”
Jesse raised an eyebrow because it had been a while since he was fourteen but he was pretty sure even then he wouldn’t have called that flirting.
“Are you sure he wasn’t being, you know, polite and friendly to her?” Jesse suggested.
“I dunno. Maybe.”
“Because, obviously, I could be wrong. But it looked to me like he was into you .”
“You think so?”
Jesse shrugged, because he hadn’t been able to read the minds of teenage boys even when he was one. “Yeah, like I said, I can’t promise anything. But I do think he might be. Do you want to date him?”
“Yeah. He’s like … totally amazing at hockey and really smart. And he’s cute right?”
Jesse nodded. Kyler would be a heartbreaker once he was all grown-up. “Totally crushworthy.”
“But what if he gets like … offended?”
“Has he ever acted homophobic?”
“Oh. No. He’s super nice to Jayden at practice and stuff.”
“Well, that’s a good sign, right?”
Nolan shrugged. “I guess. But what if he’s not into me and I make it weird ?”
“It could be weird for a little bit,” Jesse admitted. “But what if it isn’t? What if he likes you too?”
“ Oh .” Nolan widened his eyes like he’d never considered that possibility.
“So maybe … be casual about it,” Jesse said. “Like … touch him a little more. Not in a creepy way,” he added hastily because he was trying to be a good example here. “You know, touch his arm or put your hand on his knee and see if he’s into that. Sit closer. If he pulls away, well, you should definitely back off. But if he leans into it, if he starts doing it back … it’s kind of a clue.”
Because sure, he could tell Nolan to talk to his friend bluntly about it but honestly, that was hard to do. Especially at that age and lacking confidence.
Nolan nodded.
“You could also ask him if there’s anyone he’s into. Or like, hint that there’s someone you’re into but you’re worried they won’t like you back.”
“I could do that.”
“And one more thing,” Jesse said. “If it all starts going well and you and Kyler are dating or start fooling around, it’s a good idea to tell your dad.”
Nolan opened his mouth to protest but Jesse held up a hand.
“No, listen to me. I’d be telling you the same thing if you’d told me you had a crush on some girl. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with either but, you know, parents kinda like to know what you’re getting up to. He’s had the safe sex talk with you, right?”
“Ugh!” Nolan turned away. “Yes!”
Jesse resisted the urge to snicker. Poor kid. He was the color of a beet now. Jesse would bet heat was absolutely radiating off his cheeks.
“Dude, we haven’t done anything.”
“I get that,” Jesse said. “I just know sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in stuff once you start.”
He hadn’t been a whole lot older when he’d started messing around with people. His parents had been cool with it and had made sure he knew how to keep himself and the people he was with safe. And even if Connor freaked out about it, Jesse would make sure he knew how to support Nolan.
“Do we have to talk about this?” Nolan asked.
“No,” Jesse said. “But I still really think you should consider talking to your dad about it all.”
Nolan made a noise that sounded like a dying whale. “Do I have to?”
“No,” Jesse said firmly. “I’m not gonna out you, ever , but I want to be sure you’re being safe. You’re a kid and I’m an adult—even if I’m not a very adulty adult—and I wanna do the right thing. The right thing for you and for your dad, okay?”
“Ugh, I guess.”
Jesse opened his mouth but the front door opened.
“Hello?” a woman called out and Jesse got up to see the girls taking off their shoes and Catherine O’Shea with her arms weighed down with some heavy-looking grocery bags threatening to slide to the floor.
“Hey, do you need some help?” Jesse asked, hurrying to grab them before that happened.
“Please.” She gave him a relieved smile.
“Jesse!” Evie squealed, wrapping her arms around his waist. “Hi!”
Maura latched onto his leg and squeezed. “Jesse! Jesse!”
“Hi,” he said, amused. The girls were so sweet. They’d wanted to talk to him before bed every night he and Connor were gone on the road trip and had done a whole video chat to show off their Halloween costumes. “I’ll give you both a hug in a minute, but let me put these bags down. Apparently, your grandma is superwoman. They’re heavy!”
He flexed, lifting the bags like he was doing bicep curls with them. As he’d hoped, everyone laughed.
“Okay,” Jesse said to Nolan as he set the bags on the counter. “You done with homework?”
“Not quite. I have a little bit of reading to do.”
“Well, help your grandma bring in the groceries, then do your homework. I’m gonna get things put away, then start on dinner. I think your dad will be home soon.”
“I wanna help cook!” Evie said.
“Me too, me too!” Maura chimed in,
There was a clear view from the kitchen to the entryway and Jesse caught a relieved look on Catherine’s face.
After Nolan helped bring everything in from Catherine’s SUV, she gave him a hug too. “Oh, I am so glad you’re here. You really are a lifesaver, Jesse. We’re so glad to have you around.”
“I’m glad to be here,” Jesse said, glancing at Nolan, who was sprawled on the couch doing his homework, and Evie, who was helping Maura wash her hands in the sink. He smiled.
Yeah, being here in the O’Shea house felt good. It felt right. And he didn’t think he’d screwed up the conversation with Nolan too bad either.
Not too bad for someone who wasn’t even a very adulty adult.