CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
“You doing okay?” Pat hooked an arm around Connor’s neck, dragging him away from the bar at O’Neill’s Pub later that night. “You seem a little tightly wound tonight, brother.”
Connor attempted to shrug him off with little luck. Pat had always been stronger than him, damn it. Connor could probably get away if he really put his back into it but that would spill his beer.
“I’m under a lot of fucking pressure this season,” Connor muttered.
“That’s hockey,” Pat said, tone philosophical. He dragged Connor off to a booth and shoved him into it. He bumped up against Finn, who shot him a sidelong glance, then returned to the conversation he was having with their father.
Pat settled into the spot across from Connor, giving him a look . Connor suppressed a sigh. Pat didn’t get it and he never would.
It really, really didn’t help that Evanston had won tonight. After the retirement of several of their key players, the team had several rough seasons in a row, with a mediocre start to this one. Of course they’d had their bounce back tonight of all nights.
Connor hadn’t gotten a single goal tonight either. Pathetic .
Poor Jesse. He’d looked despondent after too, muttering to himself about the goals he’d let in until Connor settled a hand on the back of his sweaty neck and ordered him to take a few deep breaths.
He had, but he still seemed agitated now as he stood by the bar, talking animatedly to Tanner about something.
Connor was doing his best to ignore him. It was either that or drag him off to the bathroom to have a “talk” but considering how that had gone the last time, Connor probably shouldn’t chance it.
Especially not with so many nosy family members around. The O’Shea family hadn’t rented out the pub, but between them and the team, plus a handful of guys from the Otters, they probably made up ninety percent of the patrons.
After Jesse got his drink—some fruity cocktail that looked colorful and unthreatening but probably contained twice the alcohol of Connor’s stout—he sauntered over to the nearby table of Otters’ guys, Tanner in his wake.
They were greeted with cheers and Connor frowned, wondering what that was about, when he realized who was seated at the table: Gabriel Theriault, Trevor Underhill, Shane Hurst, and Kelly.
The LGBTQ+ guys.
Connor bit down hard on the inside of his cheek to keep from swearing. He didn’t mind Jesse hanging out with them, but it hit him suddenly that he belonged at that table too.
He didn’t necessarily feel like one of them, but he was really no different.
Except Jesse—and Viv, he reminded himself—were the only ones who knew.
Everyone else saw him as the straight, divorced father. The kind of guy who’d go on to marry some nice woman. Probably someone with a child or two of her own, or someone who didn’t have kids yet, but either way would love his children like they were hers. But Connor didn’t want some woman. No matter how sweet she was. No matter how good with his kids.
He was perfectly content with his ridiculous chaos demon of a goaltender who drove him insane and made him a thousand times happier than he’d been for most of his marriage.
But he had a hard time believing someone like Jesse would be willing to settle for someone like him.
“Christ, I was hoping Nolan would take after Viv but it turns out he’s just like you,” Pat said.
Connor snapped his head up. “What?”
“Nolan’s a moody bastard like his father.” Pat gave him another pointed look.
“He’s a teenager ,” Connor protested. “It’s the hormones.”
“So what’s your excuse?” Finn shot back.
“Fuck off.” Connor rolled his eyes but he wasn’t gonna let Pat distract him with insults. “Seriously. What did you mean about Nolan?”
Pat shrugged. “I dunno, he’s been quiet lately.”
“Yeah?” Connor frowned.
“I mean, nothin’ to worry about, I don’t think. Maybe he’s got a crush on some girl at school or something? You got all weird when you were that age too and were dating the girl in your homeroom. What was her name? Mary Elizabeth.”
“Mary Catherine,” Connor muttered.
“Right, right. Went into a nunnery after too, didn’t she?”
“She did not!” Connor protested. “You’re making that up.”
“No, I swear to God, I saw it on Facebook after graduation.”
“Oh, cause everything on Facebook’s legit,” Connor said with a scoff.
“Well, you turned your high school girlfriend into a nun and your wife into a raging bitch. I feel sorry for the next woman you date.”
“Hey!” Connor snapped. “Don’t call Viv that. I don’t like the shit she said about Kelly any more than the rest of you but you don’t call her that. It isn’t right.”
Pat scowled. “Well she is .”
“I guess I know where Nolan gets that from,” Connor muttered. “And it’s certainly not me. You’re the bad influence.”
“I’m just sayin’ …”
“Lay off, Pat. She’s been alright lately,” Connor admitted. “Once she stopped freaking out Jesse was gonna be a bad influence, she settled down. We’ve been getting along fine.”
“Are you sure Jesse’s stopped?” Pat glanced over toward the side of the pub.
Connor followed his gaze to see Jesse up and dancing to the music playing on the jukebox, moving his hips in a rhythm that made Connor shift in his seat.
“Nah, he’s been pretty calm lately.” Connor said, shrugging as he glanced back at his brother to see him wearing a skeptical look. “Look, if he’s dancing in a pub, I know he’s not up to something worse .”
Pat leaned in. “So what’s your secret? Is it drugs? You’re drugging his protein shakes, aren’t you?”
Connor sighed deeply. His family was so fucking annoying. “I’m not drugging my goaltender, thank you.”
“Yeah, speaking of, you’ve never been so goddamn touchy about people getting in blue paint before. What was that about tonight?”
Connor shrugged. “Those were some bullshit calls tonight,” he pointed out.
“Yeah, but I’ve still never seen you with that short of a fuse in a nothing game.”
“It’s been a weird week,” Connor muttered.
“Why? What’s up?” For once, Pat actually looked and sounded serious. Concerned about him. Not a trace of sarcasm on his face or in his voice.
For the briefest second, Connor considered confessing it all to his brother. Admitting what he and Jesse had been getting up to. But even if he dragged Pat off for a private talk, Pat would give him shit and then he’d tell Finn, who would lecture him. Their father would find out and Connor would have to have a sit-down talk with his old man and fuck, he didn’t wanna deal with any of that.
He glanced over at the table of Evanston players again and caught a glimpse of Tanner and Kelly cackling over something. Kelly might be someone he could talk to though … if anyone would understand what it was like being not-straight in this fucking family, it was Kelly.
Hmm .
“So, why’d you wanna talk out here?” Kelly’s expression was puzzled and curious as they took seats at a table near the firepit on the patio behind the pub. The fire was burning but it was a cold, crisp night and no one else had ventured outside. Good. It would give Connor the privacy he needed.
“I need to talk to you about something.” Connor glanced down at his beer. “Privately.”
“Yeah, I kinda figured the last part out. What’s up?”
“I’m kinda …” Connor cleared his throat. “I’m kinda … seeing someone.”
“Yeah? Well, that’s fuckin’ fantastic, Con. I dunno why you’re acting like it’s a big secret, but—Oooh.” Kelly blinked. “Wait. Are you … is it someone in the organization ?”
Connor scratched the back of his neck. “You could say that, yep.”
“Shit, dude. Does she work in the head office? Is she that pretty reporter? Jocelyn Yang?”
She? Fuck! Connor had thought Kelly would put together the pieces quicker. “Uh, no.”
Kelly frowned. “Is it the new?—”
“For fuck’s sake, it’s Jesse Webber,” he spat.
Kelly’s jaw dropped. “You’re fuckin’ with me.”
“I’m not—why would I fuck with you like this?” That was the dumbest thing Connor had ever heard.
“I don’t know but it’s the only thing that makes any goddamn sense.”
“I wish I was making this up but I’m really not,” Connor snarled.
“Woah, dude, take a deep breath.”
Connor glared at his brother. “You’re not helping right now.”
“What do you want me to say?” Kelly asked. “Dude, you’re bi ?”
“Keep your fuckin’ voice down. No one else knows.”
“Shit, sorry.” Kelly glanced around. “I just didn’t expect this.”
Connor took a sip of his beer. “You’re not the only one.”
“How did this happen?”
“Honestly, it’s your damn fault,” Connor muttered. “You just had to invite him to your wedding.”
Kelly snorted. “No fucking way. You hooked up there?”
“Yeah. After the reception.” Connor scowled. “God. What the fuck was I thinking ?”
“So was he the first guy you …”
“Yeah.” Connor looked down at his hands.
“And I’m guessing you had no idea he was gonna get traded to Boston?”
Connor glanced up, horrified by the idea. “Fuck no! I wouldn’t have let anything happen if I did. And he didn’t know either.”
“Things are complicated with him on your team though, huh?” Kelly gave him a sympathetic look. “I wondered why you freaked out on me for touching your goalie. It makes sense now.”
“Uhh, yeah, I might have let our, you know, involvement , cloud my head tonight,” Connor admitted sheepishly.
“So you hooked up at my wedding.” Kelly glanced down at the ring on his left hand with a faint smile. “Then he got traded. What happened after?”
“Uhh, well, we pretty much ignored each other all summer but when he finally arrived things kinda … shifted, I guess? I had this idea it would keep him out of trouble if we were hooking up and we’ve been doing that more or less since he arrived in Boston and moved in with me.”
Though that made it seem like it had been Connor’s idea when, really, Jesse had goaded him into it. But Kelly didn’t need to know that part. Connor’s stupidity really didn’t need to be public knowledge, even if he’d changed that public’s diapers.
Kelly blinked. “The fuck?”
“Yeah.” Connor resisted the urge to bury his face in his arms or crawl under the table or something. And Kelly didn’t even know the half of it. “It’s … I’m keeping him out of trouble, you know?”
“Suuure.”
“ Well ,” Connor protested, “you’ll notice the gossip sites have been pretty damn quiet about him lately.”
With a roll of his eyes, Kelly took a sip of his drink. “Okay, so this is all … some great plan to keep him out of trouble? You get nothing out of it?”
A smile crept across Connor’s face before he could stop it. “Well, I didn’t say that.”
Kelly leaned forward. “I do not need details, man, but, c’mon, talk to me. What’s really happening here? You’re acting weird.”
“I don’t know, okay?” Connor admitted, his good mood immediately plummeting. “I … fucking like him. He’s—he’s funny and he’s a great goaltender and …”
“Good in bed?”
“Yeah.” The tips of Connor’s ears went hot. “He’s that alright.”
Kelly smirked. “So tonight you just … wanted to come out to me or something? That’s cool if you did?—”
“No.” Connor stared down at his hands. “I mean, yeah. I guess I did. I figured you of anyone would understand.”
“So you really haven’t told anyone else? Not even Pat ? You two have always been tight and?—”
“I couldn’t tell him about this ,” Connor said gruffly. “He’d give me so much shit.”
Kelly shrugged. “I mean, that is kinda what our family does.”
“Yeah. But this is …”
“It’s harder when it’s about something like this?” Kelly finished, his tone turning gentle.
Connor nodded. “Yeah. I guess it is. And like, he and Finn and Dad are so fucking … they make it look so goddamn easy. Being captain and, shit , just life. They’ve got their perfect marriages and?—”
“Oh, like I didn’t feel the same fucking way about you ?”
“Yeah, well, may I remind you, I got divorced.” His tone was bitter.
With a wince, Kelly reached for his glass again. “Why did you and Viv split? You’ve never really said. Just that you, ‘grew apart’.”
He said the last part in a mocking imitation of Connor’s voice, and Connor scowled. “We did grow apart.”
“Yeah but, there’s more to it, I think,” Kelly said slowly. “I’ve always wondered … did it have anything to do with me coming out? Because the timing was …”
Connor sighed and sat back. “Sorta, I guess? We fought about that a lot, yeah. But we were already kinda a mess before. Before I admitted to her that I was bi.”
“Whoa.” Kelly blinked at him. “So, like, you knew you were into guys before that?”
Connor rubbed the back of his neck. “I suspected.”
“Right, right, your college team captain.”
“Yeah. Viv didn’t take it well when I told her after you came out though.”
“Damn.” Kelly winced. “That stings.”
“Yeah. There’s a reason I didn’t tell you before …”
Kelly nodded and sipped his beer, quiet for a long moment before he glanced up. “Okay, so let me get this clear. You and Jesse are … hooking up?”
“Yeah. You know, casual and shit. But like, not with anyone else.” Connor stared down at his beer, pretending to be mesmerized by the way the reflection of the flames danced along the glass.
Kelly raised an eyebrow. “And you’re … good with that?”
“Yes. Well, maybe not.” Connor forced his foot to stop jiggling under the table.
“Uhh.”
“I’m definitely good with it not being with anyone else. Not sure how I feel about it being, uh, casual.”
“No fucking way,” Kelly said, laughing. “You’re into him. Like into him.”
Connor resisted the urge to make a crass comment about how deep inside of Jesse he’d been the other night. While it would be fun to watch his brother squirm uncomfortably, it didn’t feel right to talk about Jesse that way. Which probably answered that question.
“Yeah,” Connor said gruffly. “I guess I am.”
Because it was one thing to admit inside his own head he was falling for Jesse. It was quite another to say it aloud. Especially to his baby brother.
“Okayyy,” Kelly drawled. “So what now?”
“If I fucking knew I wouldn’t be sitting here asking for your advice!” he snapped.
Kelly snickered. “Were you? Because you’ve mostly been swearing and muttering a lot.”
“Kelly,” Connor pleaded because he was kinda at the end of his fucking rope here and he really, really needed his brother to throw him a life preserver.
“Right.” Kelly squared his shoulders, forcing his face into a serious expression that looked totally weird on him. “Okay. So you want my advice.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”
“Well, first of all, have you told Jesse any of this?”
“No!” Connor protested, a little horrified by the idea. “Jesus, why would I do that?”
Kelly eyeballed him. “Uhh, because that’s what you do when you wanna date someone.”
“Date him?”
“Oh my God, Con. You can’t possibly be this stupid. Wait, never mind …”
“Fuck you.”
“Fuck you too,” Kelly said with a laugh. “Seriously.”
If they weren’t in a semi-public place, Connor would grab Kelly in a headlock and drag him across the table and give him a noogie like he used to do when they were younger. Or, honestly, he’d do if they were at their parents’ house, where he’d only get yelled at by their ma, instead of probably getting kicked out by a bouncer when it devolved into a full, knock-down, drag-out fight like it had when they were younger.
“Connor,” Kelly said slowly. “Listen to me. You like Jesse as a person, yeah?”
Connor nodded. As infuriating as he could be, he’d really grown on Connor.
“And you’re compatible in the bedroom?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“Is he good with the kids?”
Sighing, Connor drank his beer. “Really fucking good,” he said miserably. “Like, the girls love him. And he’s so patient with them. And he and Nolan get along and?—”
“So, you’re already living together, right?”
“Yeah. What’s that got to do with it?”
“Are you sure you’re not … already dating?”
“Umm,” Connor said. Was that a thing? Maybe it was. Although … “We’ve never been out on a date,” he pointed out.
“I think you might need to not look at this through the lens of being straight.”
Connor squinted. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“I mean … maybe the rules are kinda … different when it’s two guys. Particularly when you’re on the same team and more or less living together.”
“You’re talking from personal experience,” Connor guessed.
“Well, yeah. Anders and I started out kinda like that too. I offered him a friends with benefits thing?—”
Connor shuddered. “Stop right there. I don’t fuckin’ need details about my little brother’s sex life.”
“Well, I don’t wanna hear about yours either!” Kelly protested, though his brown eyes were full of amusement. “It’s not like I was gonna get into positions. Although I have to say this, if Jesse is uncut, you really should look into docking.”
“Stop thinking about Jesse’s dick!” Connor spat. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
He had no idea what docking was but Connor really wasn’t sure he wanted to know because then he’d know what his brother and Anders got up to. Fucking gross.
“Oh my God, you’re totally acting jealous. You’re ridiculous .”
“You know. I don’t know why I fucking bothered,” Connor grumbled, shifting to get out of his chair. “You’re no fucking help.”
“C’mon, no, don’t go,” Kelly coaxed.
Connor glared. “Why should I stay?”
“Because I’ll be serious now, I swear.”
“I’ll fuckin’ believe it when I see it.” But Connor settled back into his seat.
“Okay, so where were we?”
“Not talking about my goaltender’s dick.”
“ Your goaltender, huh?” Kelly arched an eyebrow at him.
“The team’s, yeah.”
Connor tried not to think too closely about how he’d reacted earlier when Jesse taunted him with the idea of a threesome with Kelly. Jesse was joking , Connor knew that. But still … Ugh .
“Connor, are you in love with him?” Kelly’s tone was uncharacteristically serious.
Connor tried not to choke on his beer. “Uhh, maybe?”
Kelly gave him an unimpressed look.
“I think I’m getting there,” he admitted. “But what does it fuckin’ matter?”
Kelly gaped for a moment before he sputtered, “What does it matter? How many hits to the head have you taken lately?”
“None.” Connor scowled.
“Then if you can’t figure out why it would matter , I can’t help you.”
“ Kelly .”
His brother slapped his hands on the table and leaned forward. “ Connor . What if he loves you back?”
For the briefest moment, Connor imagined it, imagined Jesse might want everything he did, then he shook his head because it hurt to picture what he wanted so much. Especially when he knew it was impossible.
“He’s twenty-four years old. He doesn’t know what he wants.”
To his annoyance, Kelly snorted. “You were married and had Nolan before you were twenty-four.”
“Fat lot of good it did me. Not Nolan of course. I’ll always be glad we had him. But I’m divorced, remember?”
“I remember. But just because it didn’t work out with Viv doesn’t mean that it couldn’t work with Jesse.”
“He’s fucked half of North America.”
“Pretty sure he hasn’t. That’s statistically impossible.”
“What do you know about statistics?”
“Not a goddamn thing unless it has to do with hockey. But even if we ignore your exaggeration, what does that have to do with anything?”
“Why would he want me?” Kelly shot Connor a skeptical look so he added. “Look, I don’t mean the sex. I mean … why would he want the life I have?”
“He’s a hockey player too. He gets that life.”
“Not the hockey part. The dad part. The, ‘I have three kids I love and have to be responsible for’ bit.”
“ Con .” Kelly rubbed his head. “You said the man was good with them.”
“He is. But that’s different than wanting to be their—their stepfather.” Jesus, just saying the word aloud made it seem even more ridiculous.
“Look, I was a lot younger than that when I realized I wanted Anders. And that never changed for me. It turned out pretty well for us.”
Connor made a noise of protest because that wasn’t the same, but Kelly held up a hand.
“No, hear me out. Sure, sometimes people change. And yeah, being young sometimes means you outgrow what was right for you before. But maybe give Jesse some credit. And maybe give him a chance to decide if he wants you and the kids before you make that choice for him, you numbnuts.”