CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
The weather was surprisingly nice the following Saturday as Connor patted the flank of a placid trail horse named Honey. Although they were well into November now, the sun was shining and the air was pleasantly crisp rather than biting.
“Be right back, girl,” he said.
She was tied to a hitching post, so she wasn’t going anywhere, but the young woman working for the stable—Lacie, if he remembered right—shot him a smile. “I’ll keep an eye on her, Mr. O’Shea.”
“Thanks.”
He’d given up on convincing Lacie to call him Connor. He didn’t come here often, but it was often enough that he’d signed autographs for a number of the staff here and although he’d tried to gently remind them they didn’t have to be so formal with him, it never seemed to change.
Nolan was saddling his horse, Jesse’s horse was ready to go and he was helping Evie with hers, so Connor walked over to Maura and Viv.
His ex-wife shot him a tense smile as she tightened the girth strap on the English saddle for her horse. “We’re almost ready.”
“No rush.” Connor shrugged.
Maura, who had been dragging a stick through the dirt to make patterns in it, looked up at him with big eyes. “Daddy, I wanna ride by myself like Evie.”
Oh boy. Connor suppressed a sigh. They’d known this would be coming eventually but did it have to be today?
Connor crouched down. “I know you do, Maura-girl. But you’re not quite big enough yet to ride by yourself. You just turned four, and you have to be at least five to start riding lessons.”
Honestly, they gave an age range of five to seven, and Evie had started at five, but Connor had doubts Maura would be ready next year. She was small and delicately built like her mother, unlike Evie who had sprouted up quickly and looked like she might take after most of the O’Shea side of the family, who tended to be tall, even the women.
Maura made an unhappy noise, her lower lip sticking out in a pout. “I don’t wanna ride with Momma.”
Viv sighed. “Then ride with your father.”
“Yeah. You wanna ride with me, sweet pea?” he asked.
Maura shook her head. “No.”
“Well, you have to ride with an adult, Maura,” Viv said.
“Wanna ride with Jesse!” she said, darting over to him.
Jesse glanced over at Connor and Viv with a frown but Maura wiggled her arms to be picked up, tugging at his hand. He hoisted her onto his hip, checked on something with Evie, then walked over. “What’s going on?” He looked between Connor and Viv.
“Maura is not very happy about having to ride with an adult,” Connor explained. “And she said she wants to ride with you.”
Jesse’s glance slid over to Viv. “Are you okay with that?”
“Frankly, no,” she said, her lips pursed. “I’ve never seen you ride and while I know you said you have experience with horses, riding is dangerous.”
Jesse nodded. “I understand.” He looked at Maura. “I’m sorry, kiddo. Not this time.”
Maura huffed, burying her head against Jesse’s neck. He patted her back, glancing at Connor with a conflicted expression.
“C’mon, Maura,” Viv coaxed. “You always like to ride with me.”
“Want Jesse,” she said, her voice muffled.
Connor suppressed a smile. She might not look like an O’Shea, but she could be stubborn like one.
“Well, I’m sorry but it’s either Daddy or me today,” Viv said in a brisk tone.
Maura huffed, then lifted her head, wiggling to get out of Jesse’s arms. He set her down and she walked over to Viv’s horse. Apparently, she’d made her decision.
Connor shrugged at Jesse, who gave him a grin.
“Last choice, huh?” he chirped. “Rough.”
“Tell me about it,” Connor said with a rueful smile back.
But it could have been worse. Maura hadn’t melted down into a tantrum so Connor would call it a win.
“Okay, everyone, are we ready to go?” Connor asked.
“Ready!” Evie said.
Jesse nodded and Viv put her boot into the stirrup, swinging her leg over the back of her horse, Clementine. She was one Viv owned, like Biscuit, though Connor’s, Nolan’s, and Jesse’s were rentals. Connor lifted Maura up into her arms, tucking her onto the saddle seat, tight up against Viv’s body.
Viv glanced down at Connor, her lips pursed. “You know, Connor, we’re not all your team. You don’t have to order us around like we are.”
He opened his mouth to point out he wasn’t trying to do anything of the sort, but she gathered her reins in her hand, tapped her heels into Clementine’s sides, then trotted off.
So, apparently it was gonna be one of those days. Every time he thought things were getting better between him and Viv, something came up to prove to him they still didn’t have their shit together.
With a sigh, Connor walked over to Honey. He nodded at Lacie who handed the reins to him, then mounted the horse.
He didn’t like the constant arguing—or even the little snipes at each other—especially around the kids. He’d thought they were on the same page about working together. But what the hell had set Viv off? Maura choosing Jesse over her? For fuck’s sake, he was new and exciting. Of course Maura wanted to spend time with him.
Jesse, on top of a tall chestnut horse named Chester—very clever naming there—came up beside him. “Ready to go?” he asked.
Evie had already taken off after her mother, Biscuit’s smaller legs moving fast to keep up with Clementine’s much longer ones, and Nolan was right on her heels on his horse, Otis.
“Yep,” Connor said, nodding at Jesse. “Let’s do this.”
An hour later, as they wound through the tree-lined path, Jesse and Evie were in the lead, Viv and Maura in the middle, and Connor was bringing up the rear with Nolan.
The earlier awkwardness had melted away and thankfully, all three of the kids appeared to be having fun, although Nolan wasn’t very talkative with anyone but his sisters.
Connor was fine with it, because he wasn’t feeling chatty either. His brain kept returning to what Pat had said. Nolan still hadn’t said anything to him about what was going on, though Connor had caught him and Jesse deep in conversation several times.
It was fine.
Connor couldn’t say he liked being on the outside, but Nolan was talking to someone, which was the important part.
The more Connor turned ideas around and around in his brain, the more he did wonder if Nolan was thinking about quitting hockey though. It was the only thing that really made sense to Connor. What else would Nolan be afraid to tell him?
Or, maybe it wasn’t fear but worry.
Because Connor couldn’t deny his son had been looking worried lately. He kept shooting Connor anxious glances and he’d been chewing at his cuticles a lot lately.
Connor had tossed around half a dozen theories about what could be going on—girl trouble and bullying at school near the top of the list—but the more he thought about what Jesse said about the family legacy and Pat and Connor being intimidating, Connor became more and more sure Nolan wanted to quit playing.
Connor had always stressed to the kids that hockey was supposed to be fun . If they wanted to play, he would do everything he could to support them. If they didn’t, that was okay too.
Nolan had immediately taken to the sport and seemed to love it, but what if that had changed? A lot could happen in those early teenage years, which was exactly why Connor hadn’t pushed to get Nolan into a private academy like some of the other hockey dads he knew.
It was way too much pressure.
Nolan was certainly talented enough to be accepted at one and Connor had let Nolan know it was an option, but he’d also always assured him it was his choice. If Nolan wanted it, Connor would make it happen. If he didn’t, that was fine too. This year, Nolan had chosen to stay at the public school and play on the same team as his best friend Kyler.
Honestly, Connor was relieved.
Especially after the emotional upheaval of the divorce, it was best if Nolan stayed home instead of going to a school where he’d have to live away from his family.
But what if Nolan was done with hockey? What if he wanted to quit?
Connor couldn’t deny he’d be disappointed.
He’d always loved that Nolan had wanted to follow in his footsteps, especially when neither of the girls seemed particularly interested. Connor had been so proud of everything Nolan had already accomplished in his young career. But at the end of the day, no matter how Connor felt about it, he didn’t want his son to stick with it just to make him happy.
But so much depended on why he wanted to quit.
If Nolan was struggling with some aspect of the game or with his relationships with his coach or his teammates, Connor could work with him. If he was disappointed in the amount of ice time he’d been given, they could talk about it. Whether it was improving some specific skills or managing expectations, they could handle it.
But it was different if Nolan wanted to quit because he’d truly fallen out of love with the game or hated the pressure surrounding it.
Connor hadn’t seen any signs of either . Then again, he wasn’t at games or practices like he’d like to be. Connor had managed to go to an early-morning practice this week, but he was often on the road or playing at home when Connor’s games took place.
Pat was at them frequently—and whatever shit Connor gave his brother, he was grateful for the way Pat had stepped up to support Nolan, especially since the divorce—but he seemed baffled too. Pat said he hadn’t seen signs of Nolan struggling either.
Nolan was playing well, putting up points, and seemed at ease with his teammates and coaches.
Nolan was never late to practice and his grandfather had confirmed that he was always up and ready to go in the morning, eager to get on the ice to train.
So if there were signs Nolan had lost his love for the game or was struggling with it in some way, Connor sure couldn’t see them. And neither could Pat or Declan.
He was doing well outside of hockey too. His grades were good and in his free time, he hung out with his friends, especially Kyler.
Nolan seemed perfectly normal and healthy in every way. So what the hell was going on?
“Dad?” Nolan said.
Connor glanced over to see the horses had arrived back at the stable and Nolan had dismounted. He held both their horses’ reins loosely in his hands, frowning up at Connor.
Shit . It was a good thing these horses were so well trained or he could have gotten himself killed. Then again, no matter how well trained, they were still thousand-pound animals. If something had spooked them, like a deer crashing through the trees, Connor could have been in serious trouble.
“Did you have fun today, Nols?” he asked, swinging his leg over the horse’s back and sliding to the ground.
Ooof . He was gonna feel that tomorrow.
He patted Honey, rubbing her nose in thanks for not flipping him off and killing him or prematurely ending his hockey career. She was definitely getting some alfalfa cubes for a treat.
“Yeah, that was great,” Nolan said. “I’m glad we finally got to go. Evie’s been talking about it forever.”
“She has,” Connor agreed. “And I’m glad we could all go too.”
Nolan gave him a fleeting smile, then ducked his head to remove the horse’s saddle.
“Okay, everyone,” Connor called out. He carefully looped the reins to the hitching post nearby. “Let’s get these horses unsaddled and brushed.”
He winced when he realized he was doing what Viv had found so annoying earlier, trying to keep everyone on track. He hadn’t been trying to captain them but he could see how it might come across that way. He didn’t ride a lot with the girls—frankly, it was hell on his hips—but he’d gone often enough to know the drill and everyone seemed to have it under control. Jesse was keeping an eye on Evie and Viv had Maura taken care of, so Connor and Nolan dealt with their own horses.
Connor unbuckled the strap and lifted off the saddle and blanket, chuckling as the horse let out a big sigh. “I know, girl,” he said, patting her flank. “I was a lot to carry around.”
Jesse, passing by with Evie’s saddle, shot him a grin.
Connor grinned back. He couldn’t help it. Not when Jesse looked at him like that.
Part of the reason Connor had taken up the rear was because watching Jesse trail ride was incredibly arousing. He had a perfect seat, with a straight but relaxed posture. And the way he posted … rising and falling in the English-style saddle like he’d been born to do it.
Damn, it was hot.
It turned out, Jesse had essentially been born into it. His mother was an accomplished dressage rider and he’d learned from her.
But Connor’s sanity had only been able to stand so much of watching Jesse before he blurted out Jesse needed to ride him so he’d fallen back to the rear of the group so he didn’t accidentally out himself and their relationship.
Not to mention gross out his kids and piss off his ex-wife.
Connor carried the saddle into the stable, setting it in its designated place and grabbing a brush. He let his mind wander again while he brushed Honey.
After the family brunch last weekend, he and Jesse had started having sex again. Connor was weak—he could admit that—and no matter how tangled up he felt about his feelings for Jesse, there was no point in denying himself.
Not when they both still wanted it.
He did feel a little guilty, because lying by omission was still a sin, even if it wasn’t as serious as some of the others out there. Then again, like he’d told Jesse a while ago, he was having sex with men. Or, one man anyway. The Catholic Church certainly frowned on that more than him not confessing his feelings to that man.
When Connor wasn’t worrying about his son or how the Harriers were doing—not well, they’d dropped three straight games in a row now—he was thinking about his conversation with Kelly at the pub.
Worrying about that too, if he was being honest. He did want to be honest with Jesse. But a part of him was afraid that if he was, he’d wind up fucking things up even worse.
Honey whickered softly and he absently patted her neck, using the other hand to smooth the brush over her back, dust and hair hanging suspended in the afternoon sun like confetti before floating lazily to the ground.
By the time Connor finished brushing the horse, the girls were only half-done with theirs. He helped them finish, then put the horses in their stalls and made sure they had food and water, all under the supervision of the stable staff.
Connor was about to herd everyone along to the vehicles so they could have a late lunch when Maura tugged on his sleeve. “Daddy? Can we play on the swings before we go home?”
The boarding stables were located on the outskirts of Boston and there was a cute little playground on the grounds nearby.
Connor glanced at Viv to see what she thought.
She shrugged. “Why not? I need to talk to your dad for a few minutes anyway.”
Maura immediately ran across the grass, leaves crunching under her feet, but Evie frowned, glancing between her parents.
“Go on,” Connor encouraged. “We’ll be right here if you need us.”
“I can watch the girls, if you’d like,” Jesse said. He looked at Viv, clearly knowing she’d be the deciding factor.
Her lips tightened but she nodded. “Sure. That would be fine.”
Nolan glanced between them, frowning, and Viv smiled tightly at their son. “You go help Jesse keep an eye on your sisters, please.”
“Okay,” he said slowly, brow furrowed as he followed in Jesse’s wake.
With a jerk of her head, Viv walked around the corner of the stables and Connor followed.
It was shady there and he suppressed a shiver. Or maybe that was the frosty look on Viv’s face.
“What is this about?” he asked when she didn’t say anything.
“When were you going to tell me about Nolan joining a GSA at school?” She stuffed her hands into her puffer vest pockets.
“What?” Connor said, blinking. “I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.”
She sighed. “A GSA. Gay straight alliance, Connor.”
“Well, first of all,” Connor said slowly. “I didn’t know. Nolan didn’t tell me anything about it. Did he tell you?”
“No. I saw some paperwork on his desk.”
Connor wondered if she’d deliberately snooped, but that definitely wasn’t gonna be a helpful direction to take the conversation in. “And you’re upset about this?” he guessed.
“I think it’s something he should have discussed with us first.”
Connor shrugged. “Well, clearly he didn’t.”
“Clearly.”
“Look, there’s a gay kid on his hockey team,” Connor said. “He’s probably trying to be supportive of Jayden.”
“But people are going to assume things about him. And not that he’s being supportive .”
“So what if they do?” Connor said with a shrug. “If it doesn’t bother Nolan, it shouldn’t bother us.”
“The Church?—”
“I don’t give a damn about your church, Viv!” Connor snapped. “I understand it’s important to you but Nolan doesn’t feel the same way. He loves his Uncle Kelly and?—”
“This is exactly why I was so angry when Kelly came out,” she snapped back. “I knew things like this would happen!”
“What things ? Our son being compassionate and caring? Oh, how fuckin’ dare he.”
“That’s not what I mean, Connor.”
“Well, what do you mean? Because you got along fine with Kelly before you found out! You loved my brother. Hell, he was the ring bearer in our wedding .”
“I think you’re—you’re encouraging our son to be open to things he shouldn’t be. Between Kelly and now Jesse?—”
“Oh, don’t you dare bring Jesse into this,” Connor snarled. “He’s done nothing wrong.”
“Hasn’t he? I’m sure he’s right in there too, pushing Nolan to join the GSA. I don’t like your roommate encouraging the kids to go behind our backs.”
“I highly doubt Jesse pushed Nolan into anything ,” Connor said. But now he had a good idea of what Nolan had come to Jesse about. He sure as fuck wasn’t going to mention that to Viv though.
“Well, clearly you don’t know much about what’s going on in your own house.”
Connor crossed his arms over her chest. “You know, Viv, when we were young, you were never homophobic like this.”
“I’m not homophobic!” she protested.
“What in the hell do you think this is then? You cut off contact with Kelly when he came out, you said some nasty things to me when I told you about?—”
“I wasn’t nasty! I?—”
“Well, if that wasn’t nasty then I’d hate to see you get that way.”
Her voice rose. “That’s unfair! And why are you acting like this? All I wanted to do was have a conversation about what our son is doing and who he’s spending time with. I never liked the idea of someone like Jesse Webber living under the same roof as Nolan and the girls but I was trying to compromise.”
Connor snorted because, Jesus Christ, Viv’s idea of compromise was absolute horse shit. And he’d been around enough of it today to recognize it when he saw it.
“So now what? You want Jesse to move out?” he asked.
“Yes. I think that’s more than reasonable.”
“Uhh, in what fuckin’ world? He hasn’t done anything wrong!”
“He has if he’s encouraging Nolan to?—”
“He didn’t encourage me to do anything!” Nolan shouted as he stalked up to them, fists clenched. “He was listening to me.”
Damn it, Connor shouldn’t have raised his voice. He hated that Nolan had overheard any of this.
Viv pursed her lips. “This is a discussion for the adults, Nolan. Please go check on your sisters.”
“It’s a discussion about me ,” Nolan said, knuckles going white. “I deserve to be here for it.”
“He has a point,” Connor said.
Viv whirled on him. “Why do you always take everyone’s side but mine ?”
“I’m not taking anyone’s side,” Connor protested. “Nolan deserves to be heard. And frankly, so does Jesse. If you’re gonna go around accusing him of things, he should get a chance to defend himself.”
“He’s not a part of this family,” Viv said furiously. “He’s your teammate .”
Connor opened his mouth, about to protest Jesse was a hell of lot more than that, but he stopped himself in time. Fuck !
Viv’s eyes widened, horror creeping over her face. “You’re screwing him, aren’t you?”
Connor glanced over at Nolan but he’d disappeared again. He was such a good kid, always trying to please his parents. Even if he’d been pissed at Viv since the divorce.
“Oh my God, Connor. You’re screwing your teammate!” she said in a furious whisper.
“Vivian …” he said, suddenly exhausted.
“Tell me it isn’t true.” Her eyes were wide and hurt. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
He’d done nothing wrong but he still hated that the information had hurt her. But Connor couldn’t lie to her. He never had and he didn’t wanna start now. He’d been a shitty husband in so many ways but he’d never, ever lied to his wife. And even now that they weren’t married, she was still the mother of his children and she didn’t deserve to be lied to.
“You can’t, can you?” she whispered. “You … how could you do that?”
“It just … happened,” he said weakly. “I didn’t expect it either but …”
“And you couldn’t have told me?”
“Not when I knew you’d react like this!” Connor pointed out. “And for fuck’s sake, I don’t owe you an explanation of who I go to bed with.”
“You owe me an explanation for who you bring around our children .”
“I was very upfront with you about Jesse moving in,” he reminded her.
“Oh yeah, claiming it was because Gavin ordered you to. I can’t believe I fell for that.”
“It was true!” he protested. “Gavin did. Jesse and I—we’d only had sex once at that point. Last summer. And once he got traded, I had no intention of starting up again.”
“Only, clearly you did.” Her tone was bitter.
“I did,” Connor admitted. “But we—the kids don’t know.”
Or they hadn’t until Connor and Viv had started arguing about it. He wasn’t so sure now. But one crisis at a time, right?
She crossed her arms. “You should have told me when it changed.”
“I didn’t know it would—would turn into more.”
“Oh.” She paled. “It’s—you have feelings for him.”
Connor looked away. “I’m still working it all out in my head. And he doesn’t know.”
“I don’t even know who you are anymore, Connor. I always knew we were raised with different values but?—”
“Oh, don’t even go there,” Connor snapped. “There is nothing wrong with the way I was raised. My parents weren’t perfect and no, we weren’t Orthodox, but I was raised to be loving and supportive and?—”
“It would have been nice if you’d shown that while we were married.”
“I fucked up, okay!” Connor said, his voice going ragged when emotion clogged his throat. “I wasn’t a good enough husband to you. Focusing on my career meant yours went on the backburner. And I’m sorry . I’ve regretted that for years but we’re over, Viv. We’re done. We were done for so long before we made it official and I hate that for us. I hate that for our children. None of this has gone the way I wanted it to. But I love Nolan and the girls. You know I do. And it hurts to hear you act like I’m a shitty father because I’m with someone else now. Jesse makes me happy. He does . And I am sorry if that hurts you but I’m not gonna throw him aside because it makes you uncomfortable.”
She stood there, her mouth open, before she snapped it shut. “Fine. Then I’m going to get the kids and we’re going to go. Like we originally planned.”
“Oh, so you’re just gonna walk out without even responding to what I said?”
“What the hell do you want me to say, Connor? I don’t approve of any of this.”
“No one is asking you to! But it would be nice if you could accept my apology and admit Jesse hasn’t done anything wrong. You don’t have to approve of us but I wish you could see how good he is with the girls and Nolan.”
“Is he?”
“Yes! If you could take your blinders off for a few fucking minutes you could see that! Did you watch him with them today, Viv? He was kind and patient and loving to all of our children. What more do you want from him?”
“I don’t want anything from him. I want you to be an adult and not get swept up in some affair with a twenty-year-old boy from your team.”
“Jesse is a grown man,” Connor said icily. “He’s twenty-four—twenty-five in less than a month.”
“You’re still eleven years older than him.”
“I am,” Connor said. “But you know what? I don’t have a problem with that and neither does he. And I think you need to sit down and take a good hard look at why you have such a problem with the idea of Jesse and I being together. Because you’re acting like we’re still married and I cheated on you and that’s about as far from the truth as possible. So figure your own shit out, Vivian, and let me figure out mine.”