CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Connor was surprised when he got a text message from Viv the following day, asking him to meet.
They were heading out on a short road trip soon, so tempting as he was to put it off, he knew he shouldn’t delay. They had a game that evening, so he suggested a time the following night.
Viv agreed, suggesting she could drop the girls off at Pat and Aubrey’s house so she and Connor could meet at a coffee shop on the far side of Boston University’s campus.
At first, he wondered why she’d picked the place since there were plenty of coffee shops and cafes closer to his home or their old house in Back Bay where she still lived.
Connor had been to the coffee shop near campus once or twice, but had no attachment to it.
After a moment, Connor realized that was the whole fucking point. It was a neutral location. It wasn’t either of their private homes and it was close to where they first met. A place they only had good memories of.
So he agreed.
When he mentioned their plans to Nolan, he nodded, squaring his shoulders. “I wanna go too.”
“Nols …” Connor hesitated. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I know. But I wanna.”
Connor lifted an eyebrow in disbelief. “ Do you?”
“I mean, I’d rather play hockey or hang out with Kyler,” he admitted with a little laugh. “But like, I feel like I should. Not like … obligated should? But like it’s the right thing to do. Being—being gay, it’s gonna be hard right?”
And Connor wanted to reassure his son that it wouldn’t, the world was getting better and he wouldn’t have any obstacles in his way because of who he loved but … but Connor couldn’t lie to him. It was better. Overall, hockey was better than it had been a few years ago. But it wasn’t perfect and neither was the rest of the world and there were still a lot of complicated things Nolan was going to have to navigate.
So Conno nodded. “Yeah, at times it probably will be,” he admitted.
“I feel like I should practice all that now,” Nolan said. “And, like, you’ll be there with me this time, right?”
“Of course. I’ll be there with you any time I can,” Connor assured him, proud of the young man his son was becoming. “Now and in the future. No matter how old you get, how grown you are, I will do everything I can to be there for you if you need me to be.”
“Thanks, Dad,” Nolan whispered.
And all Connor could do was hug his son tight.
The following evening, Nolan was clearly nervous as he rode in Connor’s passenger seat, his knee jogging nervously up and down. But he stood tall when they stepped into the coffee shop.
Most of the tables were filled with students on their laptops or highlighting passages in their textbooks, but Viv had picked a booth tucked up against the brick wall in the back of the café.
She was intently studying something on her phone and had a mug of tea in front of her, so Connor got in line to grab something for him and Nolan. He wasn’t particularly hungry or thirsty, not with the way his stomach was in knots, but he wanted something to do with his hands. Connor ordered a hot apple cider while Nolan went for a hot chocolate topped with a mound of whipped cream and chocolate sprinkles.
When the drinks were ready, they carried them back to the booth.
Viv glanced up as they approached, a puzzled frown crossing her face when her gaze landed on her son. “Oh. Not that I’m not happy to see you, Nolan, but I thought it was just going to be your dad and me.”
“I have something I need to talk to you about,” he said.
“Okay,” she said slowly, tucking her phone into her pocketbook. “Well, have a seat then.”
Connor and Nolan slid into the booth opposite Viv and Nolan took several deep breaths, his hands trembling a little as he gripped his warm mug.
Connor leaned in, letting his shoulder press against Nolan’s. Telling him I’ve got your back, without words.
“Mom, I … I wanna talk to you about the GSA,” Nolan finally said.
She frowned but nodded. “Okay. I’ll listen.”
“I—I didn’t join because of Uncle Kelly, or even Jayden,” he said, his voice quavering a little. “I joined because I—I’m gay.”
Color drained from Viv’s face and she blinked at him for a moment. “What? I … how do you know? Are you sure?”
“I just know ,” Nolan said, his face turning a splotchy pink color. “I know because I don’t—I don’t look at girls. Like, at all. They’re friends but I don’t—I don’t think about them the same way I think about boys.”
“How long have you …”
Nolan shrugged. “Like, forever, I guess? But I wasn’t really sure until like a couple of months ago when I really started crushing on Kyler.”
Viv turned to look at Connor. “You don’t seem surprised. You knew ?”
“Not until the other day,” he said quietly. He and Nolan had agreed there was no point telling Viv about Jesse having been the first one to find out. It would only hurt Viv and potentially worsen any future interaction between Viv and Jesse.
Though, if Viv asked point-blank, Connor had assured Nolan telling the truth was always the best route.
“And Nolan knew about you ?” Viv asked, still frowning at Connor.
He shook his head. “Not until after we went riding. Nolan actually told me before I told him. He was braver than I was,” he admitted ruefully.
“Dad didn’t encourage me or anything, Mom, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Nolan said. “This is who I am. I joined the GSA because I needed help figuring out how to tell you guys. I knew Dad would be fine with it because of Uncle Kelly but I wasn’t sure how—how you would take it. If you’d be mad at me.”
His voice broke and Connor wrapped an arm around his son’s shoulder. He stared at Viv, willing her to try to understand. To do the right thing. She loved their son, he knew that, but this was also challenging all of her beliefs and he wasn’t sure how she’d react.
“Mad at you?” she whispered, sounding stricken. “No, I’m not mad at you. Of course I’m not. I love you.”
“But you—you’re not okay with Uncle Kelly. Or Dad,” Nolan asked, sniffling a little.
Viv swallowed, closing her eyes. “I … it’s more complicated than that, Nolan.”
“Then explain it to me,” he said, sounding close to crying. “Because all I want is for you and Dad to be proud of me.”
“Sweetheart.” Viv wiped under her eyes. “I am . I love you so much. I am proud of you.”
“Even though I’m gay?”
Viv dragged in a shuddering breath, wiping under her eyes again with the pads of her fingers. Connor slipped a napkin free from under his mug of cider and passed it over. She took it, offering him a faint, tremulous smile.
“Nolan, I love you no matter what,” she said, leaning forward.
“But like, I’ve heard people talk about hate the sin, love the sinner. Do you—do you think I’m a sinner?”
Connor felt a sudden, sharp ache in the pit of his stomach.
Viv reached out, tentatively touching Nolan’s hands where they lay on the table. When he didn’t pull away, she gently grasped them. “No, I don’t.”
“So you’re—you’re okay with it?”
Viv hesitated, her glance darting over at Connor. “I—I’m going to need some time to think about it. But I—I will be. I’ll work at it, okay? Because I do love you so much. I have since the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. And nothing will make that stop, you hear me? Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“I think so?” he said slowly.
“It’s going to take me a little time to—to work this all out in my head. I never saw it coming and I’m—I’m struggling to wrap my head around it. But we’ll keep talking, okay? And if the—the GSA at your school has anything that can help me, I’ll read it. Or something to watch. Whatever it is, I’ll—I’ll do it, okay?”
“Well, the GSA is for students, really,” he said with a little shrug. “But um, I could ask our advisor.”
“Good. You do that. And maybe your dad can recommend some things.”
Connor blinked because he certainly hadn’t seen that coming. He had some hockey-specific stuff from the league he’d read before but he could always ask Jesse or Kelly or really, anyone who had more of a clue than he did for some suggestions. “Yeah, I can try,” he offered.
Viv flashed him a weak smile, then looked back at their son. “I was really hurt when you didn’t want to come home with me the other day. But this was why, wasn’t it?”
He nodded.
“Do you—do you think that might change? Would you want to stay with me again?”
“Maybe?” Nolan said.
Viv flinched, but she didn’t let go of Nolan’s hands or even look away. “Okay. Well, if you—if you need to live with your dad for a little while, while we all figure this out, I understand.”
“Yeah?” There was a hopeful note in Nolan’s voice.
“Yeah. But I’d like you to feel good about staying with me again. So you tell me what I can do to make you feel that way, okay?”
“Uh, yeah. I can try.”
“Okay.” Tears were trickling steadily down Viv’s cheeks now. “Can I—can I hug you?”
Nolan nodded and Viv let go of his hands long enough to come around the table and slide in beside him. It was a tight fit, squishing Connor into the corner, but he kept his mouth shut when Nolan settled his head on his mother’s shoulder, her long dark hair falling like a curtain around them.
“Oh, my baby,” she whispered, pressing her lips to Nolan’s hair. “I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
Connor had to tilt his head back, eyes watering, as Nolan let out a quiet little sob and hugged his mom tightly.
Thank God .
Connor had hardly slept last night, envisioning all of the different ways this talk could go. This wasn’t perfect but it was good. It was a start for both of them. A solid foundation they could build on.
When Nolan finally squirmed a little, Viv lifted her head, loosening her grip but not letting go of Nolan. “I love you, you hear me?” she said quietly, looking him in the eye.
Nolan nodded.
“And I’ll keep working on things.” She pressed her lips to his hair, then stood, her makeup streaked down her face.
“Can you both excuse me a minute? I need to—” She gestured vaguely and Nolan and Connor both nodded.
She disappeared toward the sign marked ‘restrooms’ and Connor turned to look at Nolan.
“Hey. How are you doing, Nols?”
“Uhh.” Nolan looked a little dazed. “I don’t know.”
Connor patted his shoulder. “That’s okay. You don’t have to know. Not right away.”
“Do you think she means it?” Nolan asked.
“That she loves you and wants to support you? Absolutely.”
“And like, what she said, that means she doesn’t quite get it all but she’s gonna try , right?”
“Yes. It means she needs a little time to adjust,” Connor said softly. “It’s hard, when you grow up believing something and you have to confront the fact that maybe it isn’t what you thought it was. And that it’s hurting the people you love. And in order to take care of them, you have to leave those beliefs behind.”
“Is that what you did?”
Connor nodded.
“So like, Mom might stop being Orthodox?”
“I don’t know,” Connor admitted. “That’s a choice your mom has to make for herself. But she is gonna have to figure out how to take her family’s beliefs and her own and settle them with what her world looks like now.”
Kelly’s coming out had been one thing, but with a bi ex-husband and a gay son, that had to have shaken up her world in a very big way.
“Are Grandma and Grandpa Enescu gonna be okay with this?”
“I don’t know,” Connor said slowly. “I hope they will, but I don’t really know.”
Viv’s parents were quite a bit older than Connor’s. Viv had been an only child and been born later in life for both of them. They were deeply involved with their church in New York and although they loved Nolan and the girls, they’d never approved of Connor or his family.
The kids had never seemed particularly close to the Enescus and even Viv had never pushed for them to spend a lot of time there.
“But don’t forget, you have eleven million O’Sheas who love you,” Connor reminded his son.
Nolan cracked a smile. “I know. Hey, is it okay if I tell everyone at Thanksgiving?”
“You can tell them whenever you feel comfortable,” Connor assured him.
Viv appeared at the table again, her face washed free of most of the makeup she’d been wearing and she suddenly reminded Connor of the girl he’d fallen in love with. The slightly awkward but pretty one who had seemed more interested in her law books than him at first.
She smiled tentatively at their son. “You can say no, Nolan, if you want. But how would you feel about staying here for a bit while your dad and I take a walk and talk about some things?”
Nolan shrugged. “Um, sure. That’s fine.”
He dug through his jacket pocket and pulled out his phone. His headphones were already around his neck and Connor had no doubt he could keep himself entertained for a long while.
“You’re gonna have to let me out then,” Connor said, nudging his son’s leg. “I’m not crawling under the table.”
Nolan laughed, looking more like his usual self, and a stab of relief went through Connor.
After he was out of the booth, he squeezed Nolan’s shoulder. “Text me if you need anything, otherwise, we’ll be back in a bit.”
“Okay, cool.” Nolan already had a video pulled up on his phone, clearly ready to be done with his parents already. Not that Connor blamed him.
Connor and Viv walked out of the café in silence, but Viv was barely through the door before she burst into tears.
“Shit,” she muttered, “I told myself I wasn’t going to do this.”
Connor slung an arm over her shoulder, leading her away from the café and toward a nearby park. It was dark out already, the streetlights lighting up the path they wove along. She sniffled quietly and didn’t speak until they were seated on a bench.
“Sorry,” she said, blowing her nose on a tissue she’d fished out of her pocketbook. “I didn’t mean to …”
“It’s okay.” Connor slid away, leaning forward to rest his forearms on his knees and staring down at his hands. “I get it. I cried when he told me too.”
“Yeah, but not because your son doesn’t trust you.”
That wasn’t entirely true, because that had been a part of it, but Connor wasn’t going to quibble. “If it helps, he was nervous about telling me too,” Connor offered.
“But he knew you’d love him no matter what, right?”
Connor nodded.
“But he wasn’t sure with me, was he?”
“No, he wasn’t,” Connor admitted. Because no, he didn’t wanna hurt Viv unnecessarily, but he also wanted her to understand how serious this was.
How much it had hurt Nolan to have those doubts about his mother.
“Fuck,” Viv said.
Connor almost laughed because she rarely swore. Or, at least she hadn’t when they were together.
“Did I do okay in there?” she asked a moment later.
“Yeah.” He turned his head to look her in the eye. “You did.”
“Better than you expected?” she asked.
He nodded, because yeah, honestly it was.
She let out a long, quavering sigh. “I hate this.”
Connor tensed and she hastily backpedaled.
“Not that—that Nolan’s gay. The whole situation. It’s so … so difficult to know what the right thing to do is.”
“Yeah, I hear you,” he agreed. Because it would have been easier if they’d remained in love and never divorced. If Connor and Nolan had been straight and none of them had been forced to deal with this. But it wasn’t the way things had gone down and now they had to figure out how to deal with it all.
It wouldn’t have been better, but it would have been easier. Hockey was starting to feel downright simple compared to this shit.
“I’ve been a bad mother,” Viv whispered a moment later.
“Viv, no,” he said, straightening, looking her square in the eye. “I’m not saying you’ve been perfect or I agree with how you dealt with Kelly coming out. But you’re not a bad mother.”
“Our son thought I wouldn’t love him.” She sounded so heartbroken Connor’s heart clenched.
“Then work on that,” he said.
“I will. I’m going to!”
“Good. Because however you feel about my sexuality, he deserves to have both of us working together to support him.”
“I know.” She wiped her eyes again. “And I’m sorry for the way I reacted about you and Jesse. And really, for the way I reacted when you told me you were bi after Kelly came out. I took it personally and I shouldn’t have.”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I—it made me feel inadequate. Like I wasn’t enough for you.”
“Viv,” he said, his heart aching. “That wasn’t it.”
“I’m trying to believe that.” She gave him a weak smile. “But I already felt like I wasn’t a good hockey wife.”
He winced because he knew exactly what she meant. “You weren’t like all of the other wives, no,” he admitted.
“I wasn’t like your mother either.”
Connor glanced over, frowning. “What do you mean?”
“She’s given her whole life to being the perfect hockey wife and mother. And I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it!” Viv hastily added. “Catherine is amazing . You have no idea how grateful I am she’s done the same to support our kids, especially after our divorce. But you have to admit, Connor, that’s her whole world.”
He nodded. “True.”
“And that’s—that’s perfect for her, you know? She seems really happy. But that wasn’t me.”
“And you felt like I wanted you to be more like her,” Connor whispered.
“I think so, yeah,” Viv said quietly.
“Fuck!” He glanced over. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded. “I’m sorry too. We both—we both could have done a lot better.”
“We could have,” he agreed.
She twisted the piece of tissue between her fingers. “You know studying law was my rebellion against my parents.”
Connor nodded. “Yeah.”
“They were … they were very strict, you know? Going to college was fine. They wanted me to be well-educated, well-rounded. But they never wanted me to make a career of it. I was supposed to marry a nice Orthodox boy and become a stay-at-home mom.”
“I remember you telling me.”
“Yeah. But I never told you half the reason I started dating you was to piss off my parents.”
“What?” He stared, open-mouthed.
She grimaced. “I liked you when we met. You were handsome and funny and popular. All of my feelings for you then, they were real . I don’t mean to imply otherwise. But in the back of my mind, I knew it would piss them off. I knew they wouldn’t approve.”
“And you liked that?”
“I did. It was hard, you know? Walking the line between being observant and being myself. And sometimes I pushed back.”
“By dating me,” he said and his tone was joking but it didn’t really feel very funny at the moment.
“Yes.”
“They never liked me much, did they?” he asked ruefully.
“No. But I loved you, you know that right?”
He nodded, because he’d never doubted that.
“But the longer we dated, the more I started to have doubts if we were right for each other. I think if my parents hadn’t pushed so hard to keep me from marrying you, I might have called off the wedding.”
“Fuck,” he whispered, because he’d never seen that coming.
“I’m sorry.” She looked miserable. “I didn’t—I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Hey, I know,” he said, nudging her shoulder. Maybe at one point during the ugliest parts of the divorce she had, but not right now.
“The closer we got to the wedding, the more scared I got. I could see my plans to be a lawyer slipping away. You wanted me to be friends with your teammates’ wives and they were—they were women like your mom, you know? They were willing to make those sacrifices. To move wherever their partner got traded, to set aside their own ambitions. And I know there are exceptions. There are couples who do their best to balance everything and somehow make it work. But then—then I found out we were pregnant with Nolan.”
“Oh shit,” Connor whispered.
“And what was I going to do? Not marry you? That would have been even worse. I’d have been pregnant and alone. And you were saying all the right things, that you wanted me to go back to law school when I could and …”
“But I didn’t do enough to support you, did I?” he asked.
“No.” She looked down, crumpling the remains of the shredded tissue in her fist. “Not, not because you were trying to be a jerk either but … but because all you’d ever seen was your mom being the perfect hockey wife and mother. I’m not knocking her or your father. I loved Declan too. I loved your whole family. But you were all so … so different from me. Your lives were so different than the one I wanted us to have. And I spent all of my time feeling like an outsider and wanting things to be different but then we had Nolan and Evie and …”
Though Maura had been wanted and loved, her pregnancy had been unplanned. Connor and Viv’s youngest daughter had been conceived when they briefly reunited between rough patches.
“I really could have been a lot better about birth control,” he admitted and Viv let out a wet laugh.
“Yeah, you’d think we’d have learned eventually, right?”
“You’d think so, yeah.” He sighed, stretching out his legs and tilting his head back.
“I’m sorry I let my parents get in my head so much during our divorce. They were—they were very smug about being right.”
“Ugh. I bet.”
“They kept reminding me this wouldn’t have happened if I’d married someone within the Orthodox church.”
“It certainly wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t married me.”
“No. That’s not true. It might have happened anyway. I’ve never been Orthodox enough for people within the church. Yet I’m too Orthodox for the rest of the world.” There was a trace of bitterness in her tone.
“That sounds hard.” He’d never really considered what a struggle that must have been for her.
“When our marriage got bad, I tried to turn more to the church. I needed support and I felt ashamed to tell your family how badly I was struggling.”
“They would have tried to understand.”
“I know. But they were intimidating. I felt like I could never live up to their standards.”
“I don’t think anyone ever tried to?—”
“No. I know. I built it all up in my own head. But when we split, I turned back toward the church and community there and when you told me you were attracted to men I thought it was my fault. I thought I’d done something terribly wrong. I thought it was my punishment for not being a good wife.”
She whispered the last part and Connor’s heart ached because he’d had no idea. All he’d seen was the homophobia. And it was a part of it, but it was a lot more complicated.
“My sexuality was never about that,” he assured her. “Never about you .”
“I know that now. It’s a part of who you are.”
“Yes. And who our son is.”
She let out a shuddering breath. “Yes.”
They fell silent, watching students walk by.
Connor saw a couple of young guys do a double take when they saw him and he wondered if they’d recognized him. He wondered if someone would snap a picture of him and Viv and start online speculation they were getting back together.
He almost laughed. Nothing could be further from the truth, though he honestly did feel closer to Viv than he had in years.
“Is Jesse good for you?” she asked eventually.
Connor laughed aloud this time because it was the last thing he’d expected her to ask. “Yeah, yeah he is.”
“Tell me why.”
“Uhh. He pushes me,” Connor said. “He drives me a little crazy and he’s a total chaos monster but I guess I need that.”
“He keeps you from being too rigid.”
“Yeah, exactly. For the most part, he rolls with whatever happens too and that’s also good for me.”
“He’s good with the kids too,” she said with a little sigh. “Much as I hate to admit it, you were right.”
“He is,” Connor agreed. “He cares about them a lot.”
“How did you—how did you figure out how to be okay with it all? I know the Catholic church takes a hard line on homosexuality. How do you reconcile all that in your head? How can you be Catholic and bisexual?”
“Honestly?” Connor said. “I’ve pretty much left the church.”
“Oh.” Her mouth made a small round ‘o’ of surprise.
“You know, after Kelly came out, I hardly went to church anymore,” he said slowly. “I kinda kept one box in my head for church and what I believed which was totally separate from the box where I kept the knowledge that I was attracted to a guy. And then—and then Jesse and I, uh, we hooked up. And he moved in with me and I was falling in love with him and …”
Connor shrugged. “Hockey was a good excuse not to go to church regularly and when I did, I could keep those two boxes separate enough to muddle through. It more or less worked until Nolan told me he was gay. Then it was like some switch flipped. Because I was kinda okay with the church thinking I was going to Hell for my feelings for Jesse but Nolan? That kid is so damn good. He’s the best of both of us, Viv.”
Connor had to blink back the emotion making his eyes well up and Viv held her hand out, small and cold, and he tucked it into his much larger one. “Nolan’s so good and he’s so smart and talented and the thought of anyone telling him he’s wrong for something as innocent as having a crush on his best friend seemed so …”
He didn’t have the words to explain it.
But Viv nodded anyway. “Yeah. I get that.”
“And so if the church can’t accept him then fuck them.”
She flinched but she didn’t let go. “Connor, I don’t know that I can—I can say that. What if I want to try to change the church from within?”
“Hey,” he said. “I’m not asking you to draw a hard line like I did. Just whatever you believe, whatever ties you wanna keep to your church, put our son first , okay?”
“Of course.” She sounded appalled that he’d think anything else.
He looked over. “Promise me, Viv. Please.”
“I promise,” she said fiercely. “I don’t know how I’m going to make sense of all of this in my head but I love Nolan. I do . And nothing’s more important than that.”
“Okay,” he said, relieved. “I just …”
“No, you fight for him,” she whispered. “And I love that about you. Even now.”
They fell silent again for a little while, the cool breeze rustling the trees overhead.
“Were you jealous of Jesse?” he asked. “When we went riding.”
She shrugged. “I suppose. But not because I want you back.”
He laughed. “Okay, good to know.”
She laughed too, soft and a little rueful. “You know what I mean.”
“I do.”
“I—I meant it when I said I always felt like an outsider with your family.”
“They loved you so much,” he whispered. “We all did.”
“I know. And I loved all of you too. But it doesn’t mean I ever really fit in your world,” she whispered.
“Yeah.” And Connor felt awful, but he hadn’t realized it until today. “I’m sorry I didn’t do better.”
“Me too.” She squeezed his hand. “So was I jealous of Jesse? Yes, but it was because I was starting to suspect the two of you were together and that brought back up all of those old feelings of not fitting in. I could see the girls loved him and Nolan loved him and he fit in and …”
“You felt like you were on the outside again.”
“Yeah. It was petty of me but …”
“Nah, I get it.”
They were silent for several long moments before she let out a sigh. “So what now?”
“Well,” he said. “We figure out how to support our son.”
“And you,” she said softly. “I can figure out how to support you.”
He opened his mouth to protest he didn’t need that, then closed it. Maybe he did.
“Do you know what I’ve missed the most?” she asked.
He shook his head. “No.”
“Being your friend . Because at first, that was what we were, Connor. And it makes me sad we lost sight of that.”
“Me too,” he whispered. “But we can try to do better.”
“I’d like that.”
For a moment, she leaned her head against his shoulder and he thought of the night they first met, sitting on the deck talking while a raucous hockey party took place in the house behind him.
In a million years, Connor never would have expected he and Viv would end up here. Divorced, him dating a man, both of them trying to figure out how to be better co-parents and friends and support their son as he came out.
But here they were, and if Connor had to do that with anyone, he was glad it was Viv.
He said that aloud and she lifted her head and gave him a small, pleased smile. She squeezed his hand and let go, standing and pulling herself together.
“Well, shall we go check in on our son?”
Connor nodded, standing. “You know he’s probably eaten his way through half the café menu by now.”
“Ugh, I know. The grocery bills …”
“Viv, I’m paying for food for two pro hockey players and Nolan.”
“Okay, you win,” she said, raising her hands in surrender.
“If you can call that winning ,” he muttered.
She laughed.
As they walked back to the coffee shop, hope stirred. They could do this. It wasn’t gonna be easy, but if they could remember this moment, remember to be honest with each other and work together, they could do it.