Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
CYAN
The world seemed to tilt on its axis as their eyes met, and he couldn’t remember a single damn thing he’d planned to say—if he had planned anything at all.
Elaina didn’t look angry. She didn’t look much of anything, really. Her cheeks were flushed a faint pink, and her eyes were bright, but there was something else there now, in place of the warm glint he used to see. It wasn’t coldness exactly, but…
“Cyan.” She quickly cleared her throat, offering him a polite smile.
“Elaina…” he began, but the words shriveled on his tongue. What was he supposed to say? That he was sorry? That it was a mistake? That he shouldn’t have left, shouldn’t have?—
Why did I even come here?
“I wasn’t expecting you,” she said lightly, casually.
“I didn’t expect to come back.”
Her brow arched ever so slightly, but there was no accusation in her gaze.
“Yet here you are.” Her words were almost playful, like she was indulging him in casual conversation .
Something loosened inside him. She didn’t seem to hate him at least. He’d come there expecting anger, or worse—overt pain and disappointment. This was easier. This, he could deal with.
“I don’t know,” he said with a shrug, mirroring her relaxed posture. “I just… I couldn’t leave things like they were.”
The words felt hollow, even to him.
“I see.”
Elaina’s attention slipped down when Priad nudged against his side, claws clicking against the grate. She wavered for a moment, but then bent to present the back of her hand to the warg for sniffing. Her smile widened, and the difference in the version he’d been getting, the real warmth Elaina could exude, was obvious when directed at the warg.
He tried to suppress a pang of jealousy. Cyan was suddenly acutely aware, now that he witnessed Elaina’s friendly demeanor for what it was—a shield of her own—that he had no right to be standing there.
When she straightened again, the light that had been offered to Priad faded right before his eyes, though her smile stayed in place. “Well, things are what they are now, aren’t they?”
“Elaina,” Cyan started again, softer, “I know I fucked up. And I’m not asking for anything?—”
She waved him off. “It’s okay, really. It’s been over a segment, and we knew each other for what… a couple of spans? Life’s too short to dwell on the past. Honestly, things were so weird with us that I bet walking away was a bit of a relief, huh?”
Angry denial rose inside him. She was acting like this didn’t matter. Like he didn’t matter.
“I wasn’t relieved, Elaina,” he said quietly. “I was?— ”
She chuckled. “You know, Cyan, I get it. Sometimes things don’t work out. You had your reasons. Good ones, I’m sure.”
Her voice stayed light, but there was a crack just beneath the surface. He could hear it in the way her breath quickened ever so slightly. She crossed her arms again, a shield across her chest.
“Elaina, I—” He took a step closer, but she raised a hand, stopping him short.
“Cyan, I said it’s sand off the helix,” she said, too quickly. “I’m doing good, and I hope you are too. I’ve been keeping busy. Work’s been… well, work. And I’ve been seeing some people, catching up on things. Life goes on.”
Her words tumbled out in a rush, and for the first time her smile wavered. His hands itched to reach for her, to take her hand, find something to break through this distance they had created.
But he forced himself to stay still, every beat of his heart punctuating the silence between them.
“I knew you’d be fine, Elaina. Your independence was part of what made me fall for you in the first place,” he said softly.
Fuck , what was he doing? He hadn’t come for reconciliation exactly. Nor to give either of them false hope.
He’d come for something far more important.
“I appreciate that,” she said coolly.
“I made a mistake in how I ended things,” he said. “And I’m sorry for that.”
Slowly, Elaina nodded, not quite meeting his eyes.
“Look,” he tried. “Can I come in? I don’t want to leave things like this.”
Elaina’s throat shifted in a quick swallow. She looked away, blinking fast.
When finally she looked at him again, her voice was thick. “Cyan, you already left.”