Greeting Cards For Exes

Chapter Twelve

M AUDE

My wrinkled hand traced the rim of my coffee mug as Mr. Dancy came into the conference room, his dress shirt sleeves pushed up to his elbows. Already, there were beads of sweat on his forehead. Good God. If he’d just turn up the air, but he’d rather us all suffer. I’d taken my purple jacket off the moment I’d walked into the building.

“Good, you’re all here. It’s been a couple of weeks since we had a sit-down meeting together.”

Piper peered at me and rolled her eyes. I raised my cup to her.

Mr. Dancy seemed flustered as he sat at the head of the table like our patriarch was ready to ground us all for misbehavior or whatnot.

“I’ve called this meeting as I feel that everyone is not taking our greeting cards seriously. There’s far too much cynicism as of late. All of you here used to know how to write beautiful lines about love and caring and being together. Now, I feel as if I’m the ringmaster of a circus.” He gave a dramatic pause, turning his gaze on Piper, Kerrie, and Carlos. “And you three have rubbed off on Maude. The one person I could always count on.”

I snorted. “They didn’t rub off on me. I came to my own conclusions about the opposite sex and this notion of true love.”

Mr. Dancy waved his hand like he was swatting away a fly. “Eh, we’re not going to argue or carry on about this. I simply brought it up because I’ve come up with a plan.”

Oh, boy, here we go .

“We’re going to go on a work retreat to help fix things. I understand that sometimes life throws us limes.”

“You mean lemons?” I asked.

“No—limes. You have your sayings, I have mine, and mine include limes. Now, if you’ll let me finish.” His brow furrowed while he tapped his fingers against the table in what I assumed was annoyance. “I want you to set aside the last weekend in June for a work retreat.”

“What?” Kerrie glanced at the rest of us.

What was right. In all the years I’d been here, that man had never splurged on anything for us. No gifts at Christmas, no extra time off. No jelly of the month club. Nope, no frills from him.

“A retreat,” Mr. Dancy repeated. “You’ll all be pampered. Consider it a spa type weekend, filled with team building and rejuvenating.”

“You’re serious?” Piper said, leaning back in her chair as if in disbelief.

“Very. That’s what this meeting was called for. Just wanted to give you a heads up, so you can make arrangements on your calendars for that weekend. I’ll give you further details by Friday. Now, everyone back to work.”

He slid from the conference room as quickly as he’d come in.

“What’s come over him?” I spun my chair to face Piper and Kerrie. “Mr. Cheap Pants can’t even be persuaded to spring for a constant flow of air conditioning, let alone a spa day.”

“Hmm...I’m feeling very suspicious,” Piper said. “Maybe he’s planning on closing down the business and wants to do one last thing for us?” She chewed the end of her pen.

“No, I think it’s a ploy to make us work a weekend,” Kerrie said.

“Wouldn’t that be a kicker? Ah well, at least we’ll get to do it some place nice. I wonder if we can get one of those massages. The ones where they make you lay on a table. I always see them in movies and think I’d like to try one. Although, I doubt anyone wants to see my wrinkled-up lady parts.” I chuckled to myself.

“They cover you up with sheets or towels,” Piper said. “So, no one but the masseuse would see you.”

“Oh, you’ve had one before?”

“Yeah, my mom paid for one after forgetting to call me on Christmas when she was in Italy two years ago.”

“Like I said, workday or not, at least we’ll get something out of it. Hope it’s a beach front spa.”

“Speaking of workday, I suppose we should probably start ours. I doubt Mr. Dancy’s generous attitude will last too much longer if we don’t get busy.” Kerrie grabbed her notepad, pen, and cup.

We stood, making our way to our offices. I watched as Wooyoung hung back to walk with Piper. They seemed awfully cozy with one another since I’d come back to work. I hoped he didn’t turn into a Minho or Corny. My eyes narrowed at the back of his head, willing him to not screw this up.

“You’re glaring,” Kerrie said from beside me.

“I suppose I am. Been doing a lot of that lately. How are things with your kids? Any more toy mishaps?”

She flushed. “Luckily, no. Back to our normal routine of homework, running, and all out chaos. I’m so glad the school year is almost done. At least then, I won’t have to worry about commuting them every morning.”

I gave a sad smile, thinking of my late son. “One day, you’ll miss all that.”

We parted ways when we reached our offices, and I went in and pulled up a few ideas I’d been working on prior to Corny leaving. So far, nothing came to me. I now understood the rut Piper had. It’s hard to write about true love when someone completely destroys you and everything that forever even stood for.

I sat staring at my screen for hours until I heard my coworkers going to lunch. With a sigh, I locked my computer, and went to grab my food.

“What do you girls say we head over to the park and eat there today? It’d be a nice change from the cafeteria,” I suggested.

Piper grinned. “Yes, I could use some fresh air, and maybe a breeze under the trees. I’m dying of heat exhaustion.”

“I second that. I need to air out.” Kerrie fanned her face with her hand.

We headed for the front door and moved down the sidewalk to a small park at the end of the block. It had some benches, a couple of picnic tables, and mature trees. I picked a table in the shade, and moved to sit down.

Piper and Kerrie sat across from me, spreading their food out in front of them.

“So, I never got the chance to tell you guys, but remember the cop from Dildo-Divorce-Gate?”

“Sophie’s friend’s dad, right?” Piper licked yogurt from her plastic spoon.

“Yes, Demarcus. He ended up going to the concert with us as Mya’s mom had something come up, and well, we sorta made out in the hotel room after the concert.”

“What? No way? Was he a good kisser?” Piper leaned closer, and I found myself doing the same.

“Oh. My. God. Yes. But then the girls came back and nearly caught us.”

“Do you like him?” I asked, unwrapping a tuna salad sandwich.

Her cheeks reddened. “Of course, I mean we got a little hot and heavy.”

I laughed. “Just because you fool around with someone, doesn’t always mean you like ‘em, so I had to ask.”

“True, Maude has a point. Look at my mom, for hell’s sake. She’s been married six or seven times, and I can say I don’t think it’s because she loved every one of them.”

“Hot damn! Your mom’s been married that many times? And here I thought one man for fifty years was pretty spectacular. But that’s like, what, a new man every three to five years?”

Piper groaned. “When you say it like that, it sounds even worse.”

I finished my sandwich and carrot sticks, then stood to go throw away my trash. When I got near the tree, a squirrel climbed down next to me. “Hi there, fella, what are you doing?”

It bobbed its head, then in one swift motion, it ran up my pant leg.

I gasped, feeling the skittering of its nails on my skin as it moved closer to my thigh.

“Help! Oh, sweet Jesus, it’s going to give me rabies.” I shook my leg, horrified, trying not to topple over.

“Wait, hold still!” Piper screamed, hopping to come help me.

Kerrie followed, waving her arms for me to stop as she reached for my arm. “Piper’s right, quit moving.”

“I can’t hold still! It might bite me.”

Wooyoung bounded over out of nowhere like Superman in the guise of Clark Kent. “What’s going on?”

I’d already reached for my button, ready to shed my work trousers. “A squirrel—”

“Hold still.” He clutched my leg and tried reaching up my pants to get it. A second later, he caught the squirrel and pulled it out by the tail.

Thankfully, the small beast had only grabbed tight to the fabric of my pants and not the flesh on my leg. It instantly tore away from Wooyoung and rushed back up the tree.

“Well, I have to say, that’s the most action I’ve had in a while.” Heart beating frantically, I collapsed on the picnic table bench, panting. “I think I need to sit for a second, maybe grab a cigarette to smoke.”

“You don’t smoke.” Kerrie quirked an eyebrow.

“I might have to start after this.”

***

T RUDGING INTO THE KITCHEN after work, I dropped my things on the counter along with the junk mail I’d grabbed from the box. My gaze flickered around the room to where Corny’s old flannel jacket hung on a hook by the door. I still hadn’t gathered the strength to get rid of it. Lying bastard or not, we’d been married a long time. My feelings weren’t something I could just turn off, no matter how much I pretended.

My fingers gripped tight to the edge of the table as I steadied myself. Did this get any easier? Fighting back tears, I went over to his jacket and picked it up, holding it to my face. I inhaled deeply, catching the faint scent of his aftershave still clinging to the collar.

Why? Why did you have to leave me alone like this? We were supposed to be together forever. I wanted him here. To hold me. To let me yell at him, and to thump him in the ass for deserting me like this. My eyes watered and my throat closed.

Damn him.

I released the piece of clothing and headed into the living room just in time for a loud obnoxious knock on the front door. Muttering under my breath, I went to see who it was.

I found Griff, my next-door neighbor, standing on the porch with a bouquet of what looked like flowers picked from my own yard.

“Jesus H. Christ. My husband’s only been gone for a few weeks.”

“I know, Maude, but people our age have to strike while the iron’s hot.”

My lips pursed. “My iron won’t ever be hot for you! Now, get out of here.” I slammed the door shut.

“If you change your mind, I’ll be at my house all night,” he shouted from the other side of the wooden barrier.

Taking a deep breath, I peeled back the curtain to realize he’d dropped the flowers on the doorstep. The least he could’ve done was not leave them in a mess on my stoop. Jerk.

I needed a drink. A very strong drink. Without a second thought, I went to the kitchen to get my cell phone. Squinting, I scrolled my contacts until I found Piper’s name.

I hit the green call button and waited for her to pick up.

“Hey, Piper. It’s Maude. I know this is kind of last minute, but I wondered if you and Kerrie might want to go grab a drink and maybe dinner with me? I had a bad run-in with my overly sexual neighbor.”

“Um, what do you mean, overly sexual?” she asked, her voice full of concern.

“I mean, the twit won’t quit hitting on me. Ever since he found out Corny’s gone, he’s been showing up, throwing himself at me. The man is desperate. I don’t think he’s had anyone since old Betty down the road kicked the bucket a couple of years ago. And before Betty there was his wife, who left him for another woman about twenty years ago. Can definitely see why.”

“Oh. Sure, I’ll get ahold of Kerrie. Do you want us to pick you up? Or meet you somewhere?’

“Why don’t you swing by and get me. I’ll change really quick and be waiting on the porch.”

About twenty-five minutes later, the girls pulled up in Kerrie’s minivan. Both had traded their work clothes for jeans and nice tops, and of course, perfect makeup.

Oh, to be young again.

I glanced at my black slacks, red shirt, and matching red heels. Maybe I was overdressed for the bar, but I didn’t own any jeans. If I asked, I bet Piper and Kerrie would shop with me sometime.

“Thank you for coming. It’s been a crazy day,” I said.

Kerrie glanced at the house next door. “Is that the guy who’s bothering you?”

My eyes narrowed on the window where Griff had the curtain pulled back, staring. He gave a wave and big smile.

“Hellfire on Earth. Yes, that’s the dope who won’t leave me alone.” I shook my fist at him, and he came out onto his porch, not the least bit concerned he was annoying me.

“Where you off to Maude?”

“None of your business, Griff. Have a good night.”

“You left the flowers on your porch,” he called after me.

“You mean the flowers you picked from my yard?”

“Hey, it’s the thought that counts.” He grinned, waggling his eyebrows.

“Cheapskate.” I climbed into the van.

“Wow, that guy is something,” Piper said. “He reminds me of one of those old crime bosses with his white tank top and over the top gold chain necklace.”

“Tell me about it. You think he’s bad, you should see his son, Sal. A hundred times worse.”

“Was he friends with Cornelius?” Piper asked from the front seat.

“Unfortunately, yes. They got together all the time with the guys to play poker. A night I always made sure to not be around for.”

“Wait, did he hit on you when your husband was around?” Kerrie caught my eye in the rearview mirror.

“He made sure Corny knew that if he ever screwed up, he’d swoop in.”

“Swoop in like a vulture, you mean?” Piper laughed.

“He does sort of look like one of those carrion birds, doesn’t he? Trying to peck around for leftovers.”

“Where do you guys want to go?” Kerrie spun to face me from the driver’s seat.

“How about Valentino’s? They’ve got a great selection of drinks, and their burgers are pretty good, too.” Corny and I would have a night out there about once a month. We’d watch whatever sport game was in season, and throw back a beer. No girly drinks for me. It was someplace comfortable and familiar.

When we got to the bar, we headed toward the back where it was darker and less crowded. Already, I smelled burgers cooking, and my stomach growled. It’d been a while since I’d been here. I swallowed hard, trying not to think about Corny. At least Piper and Kerrie chose a spot that was away from the table Corny and I used to always get.

We ordered drinks, or at least Kerrie and I did. Piper stuck with a diet pop and a burger.

“So, you and Wooyoung, huh?” I smiled.

“Yeah, who knew? He’s super sweet, and gorgeous, but I’m also not getting my hopes up too high. We all know how quickly relationships can go to shit.”

“That we do.” I nodded. “To the girls.” I raised my glass in a cheer.

“To the girls,” they said in unison.

It felt nice to be out doing something and not sitting at home basking in the silence of the house—a place that held a memory in every corner. Somedays, I wanted to curl up in a ball and not leave the safe cocoon of my room. And other days, like today, it was too much to be there alone. I could see how someone could waste away.

We’d finished eating our food and ordered another round of drinks when I glanced up to find Griff walking into the bar with his friend, Tony, and his son, Sal.

Good grief. They looked like they were coming straight from the set of a seventy’s mafia flick.

When Griff saw me, he smiled and headed toward us. “Maude, fancy meeting you here. It must be fate.” He sidled up to me.

“You call it fate, I call it stalking. Now, go on, I’m having drinks with the girls.”

“How about me and the boys join you?” He put his hand on my back.

I glowered. “Sweet Jesus, can’t you take a hint? I’m not interested.”

“Fine. How about I go and get a drink, then I’ll come back to see if you changed your mind?”

“Or not. She said no.” Piper set her fork down.

Man alive, her voice gave no room to argue, that was for sure. I was even more glad I’d invited Piper and Kerrie to come with me.

Griff snorted, then sauntered away like he owned the place. He sat at the bar, throwing back some shots. Not that I wanted to watch him, but he irritated me enough to make me want to keep an eye on him.

The girls and I discussed a possible shopping trip to help me update my wardrobe, both throwing out style ideas and showing me pictures on their phones. There were so many places online to order clothes nowadays, it was baffling.

About an hour later, Griff staggered back over to us. “Maude, why do you think you’re too good for me?” He reached out to steady himself, but his hand clamped onto my breast. He chuckled to himself.

I let out a gasp, hopped to my feet, grabbed my purse, and then slapped him as hard as I could with it. “How dare you, you dirty bastard.”

“Ow.” He fell back into the table behind him, then launched himself upright.

“Don’t hit my dad.” Sal came closer, trying to grab hold of my arm, but Piper shot to her feet and knocked his hands away.

“Don’t touch her. Tell your dad to leave her the hell alone. And no more copping cheap feels.”

“Listen here, you mouthy bitch.” He gave her a slight push.

Piper rushed at him, hand fisted, striking him in the face. She caught him in the nose, and it immediately started to bleed.

He staggered back, trying to regain his balance. His eyes darkened as he reached up to wipe his face. “What the fuck is wrong with you? You gave me a bloody nose.”

Holy hell, I never knew she had that in her.

“Be glad that’s all I gave you!” Piper shook her hand out.

Next thing I knew, Tony and Kerrie had joined in, and glasses and chairs were being thrown. Curse words were shouted. Complete chaos, was what it was. I crouched as a fork came bulleting at me. Hot damn, this was getting serious. It was like a warzone.

Tony gripped part of Kerrie’s shirt as if to hold her in place. I took off my heel and wacked it across his arm.

“Let her go, you oaf!”

“Stop, or I’m calling the cops.” The bartender barreled out from behind the counter.

But we didn’t listen.

If Griff thought for one second he was going to get away with touching my breast, he had another think coming.

“Maude, look out,” Piper cried.

A basket of peanuts came flying toward my face. This time, I ducked too late and ended up with salt in my eyes.

“Son of a—”

The door banged against the wall. Police burst in, bringing back memories of the last time I went to jail for marching with some civil rights activists. But this was far worse than that.

Glancing at the girls, I noted the shock on their faces as we were told to stop and put our hands up.