Hard to Pretend (Hard to Love #2)

1. Seb

1

I would be the first to admit it. I thought things would change when my best friend, Jonas Koetter, got a serious boyfriend. I thought our group of five would suddenly become a group of six, and that his boyfriend, Silas Morgan, would be at every Thursday night hang out. I worried things would never go back to the way they were before.

I would also be the first to admit how relieved I was to be wrong.

That Thursday, we’d gathered at Goliath. It had been our other best friend’s, Eli Graham, choice of venues, and he claimed that it had been necessary. He’d had a bad day, and he said it was the only thing that would cheer him up. His roommate and the fourth member of our five man crew, Holden Murray, had claimed that Eli was full of shit, but we’d all agreed anyway. Even the quietest member of our group, Matthew Bennett, had been up to a night at Goliath.

The music blared around us as we sipped bottles of beer and caught up on anything that hadn’t made it into the group chat. Given the way we were constantly blowing that thing up, I was always surprised that we ever had anything to talk about. And yet, despite years of friendship, we’d yet to run out of conversation.

That night, Jonas was regaling us with stories about his new apartment.

More specifically, about the fact that he was pretty sure Silas’s apartment, which he’d just moved into, was haunted. He claimed he heard noises in the middle of the night, which Eli was quick to explain away as something with the plumbing or loud neighbors. Holden, on the other hand, was encouraging Jonas’s theories. Matt looked torn between science and superstition. He always wanted to believe in things that couldn’t be explained.

I was less torn. I believed in ghosts, but not the type that haunted houses. I believed in the ghosts that haunted people, memories that you couldn’t let go of and mistakes that kept making their presence known even years later, because the repercussions were ongoing. Jonas and Silas were proof that those kinds of ghosts could be exorcised. I was lucky enough to have very few of those haunting my life.

“Okay, but how do you explain the creaking then?” Jonas asked, issuing another challenge to Eli. “Every night, middle of the night, we hear creaking in the hallway like someone is walking around.”

“Again, neighbors,” Eli answered without missing a beat. “You said they have a dog? Maybe their dog is walking around.”

“That would come from the ceiling though,” Holden pointed out. He was grinning ear to ear, and his green eyes sparkled with the kind of mischief I’d seen a thousand times before. I doubted that he believed in any of this himself; I think he just wanted to annoy Eli.

Which… valid.

“They’re in another room in bed,” Eli pointed out, turning his head to face his best friend. They were, as always, sitting side by side, closer than anyone else at the table. “I’ve heard you think some noise was coming from the bathroom when it was coming from the neighbors on the other wall when you’re in bed.”

“Or maybe we have a ghost,” Holden suggested, raising his eyebrows.

“You are ridiculous,” Eli muttered. He turned his attention back to Jonas. “You’re ridiculous, too. Ghosts don’t exist.”

“Actually, there’s no proof that they don’t,” Matt piped up. “There’s no proof that they do, but there’s also no proof that they don’t. At most, you can say that you don’t believe in ghosts, but you can’t definitively say they don’t exist without some kind of tangible proof. ”

“Have you ever seen one?” Eli questioned.

“I haven’t seen Mount Everest, but I know it exists,” Matt countered. “There are pictures of things that could be ghosts. They could also be lens flares or a spec of dust catching the right light, but saying they don’t exist because you haven’t seen them—”

“Ha!” Holden exclaimed. “Debate your way out of that one.”

Eli looked like he was about to start. I groaned. “Can we please change the subject? Jonas, if you think your apartment is haunted, call whatever the real world equivalent of Ghostbusters is or get to know your new ghost roommate and hope it’s more Casper than Poltergeist.”

“A priest?” Eli suggested.

“A psychic?” Matt proposed.

“A few teenagers with a Ouija board?” Holden tossed out.

“Absolutely not,” Eli, Matt, Jonas, and I all said at once.

“No Ouija boards. My mom wouldn’t even let those things in the house when I was younger. She said if you mess with Ouija boards, you’re welcoming anything into the house.”

“Superstition,” Eli muttered.

“Then why are you so against them?” I shot back.

“I was saying absolutely not to the teenagers with a Ouija board,” Eli explained. “They always move the pointer.”

I laughed. Of course that would be Eli’s issue with the proposed solution.

Matt took advantage of the silence to suggest another round. He left the table to get them, and Eli started talking about the next project he was starting at work. He seemed excited about it, even though it sounded like most of the other construction jobs he’d been on.

“You haven’t told them the most exciting part,” Holden reminded him. Jonas and I looked expectantly at Eli, but it was Holden that delivered the news. “They want him to assist the foreman.”

“Wait, what?” Jonas asked, jaw dropping.

Eli had always been the most ambitious out of all of us. He dreamed of starting his own company one day. He’d gotten a business degree at the local community college and began working at the construction company at the same time to gain real life experience.

This was the kind of experience he wanted to get. I was surprised he hadn’t told us yet. I was really surprised he hadn’t blown up the chat with it.

“I wanted to tell you guys in person,” he said with a shrug. “All at once, but Big Mouth here,” he nudged Holden, who didn’t look even the slightest bit ashamed, “had to tell you before I got a chance. Now I have to tell Matt when he gets back. ”

“Tell Matt what?” Matt asked as he slid back into the booth next to me, putting fresh bottles of beer in the middle of the table.

“I’m going to be assisting the foreman on my new job site,” Eli told him before Holden could break the news. “I was going to tell you all at once, but Holden has a big mouth.”

“Holden has always had a big mouth,” Matt said affectionately. “It’s one of the reasons we love him.”

“Speak for yourself,” Eli teased. No one believed that Eli would change a thing about Holden if given the chance. “Anyway, my manager thinks it’ll be a good step toward giving me more leadership roles in the future.”

Matt smiled. “That’s great!”

Eli couldn’t disguise the pride on his face or in his voice as he talked a little more about his job. I wished I could say that I’d paid perfect attention, but honestly, hearing Eli talk about how amazing his job was going made me kind of jealous. He was making forward steps in his career. All of my friends were moving forward in their careers. Meanwhile, I was still toiling away in a job I hated, waiting for the higher ups to give me the nod and let me use the marketing degree I’d worked so hard for.

At least I could feign interest.

The conversation shifted several more times and another round was bought before a stranger approached the table .

He was handsome: dark skin that glistened with sweat from dancing and an inviting smile. I watched Eli and Matt exchange glances before we all turned to look at the man.

“Hey,” he greeted, that smile growing impossibly bigger and warmer. He reminded me of a teddy bear. If I were in a different mood, I might have wanted to take him home to snuggle.

“Do you want to dance?” he asked in a voice just as warm as his smile. I waited for whoever he was talking to to answer before I realized the question was directed at me.

Jonas nudged me in the ribs, and I nodded. After one dance, the man’s intentions became clear. I suddenly hated my bad mood, because he was attractive and he seemed nice. I just wasn’t interested.

I let him down easy and returned to the table. Four pairs of shocked eyes were trained on me as I slid back in the booth.

“Okay, there’s no way you struck out on that,” Eli finally said, breaking the silence.

“I wasn’t in the mood.”

Eli reached across the table and placed the back of his hand on my forehead. “You don’t feel like you have a fever…”

I batted his hand away and glared at him. “I’m allowed to not be in the mood, Eli. ”

Matt glanced at me, concern written all over his face. God, could a man just not want a one night stand anymore without everyone breaking into dramatics?

Jonas reached over and squeezed my arm.

His touch grounded me the way I know Matt’s look was trying to do. But it was different with Jonas than it was anyone else. He’d been my first best friend. He’d been through all of my moods since preschool.

“Everything okay?” he asked softly.

“I don’t know,” I admitted. Matt’s expression grew more concerned. “I’m just in a mood. I mean, maybe it’s not a mood. I just…” I trailed off.

“Try to explain it?” Holden suggested, leaning across the table.

I drew in a deep breath. “I think I’m just tired of one night stands for a bit.”

“Couldn’t be me,” Eli joked. Holden elbowed him in the ribs. “What?”

I laughed, shaking my head. Eli had no sense of when not to say something. And everyone said Holden was the one with the big mouth. At least he’d broken some of the tension. I felt myself relax a little. “I don’t know how to explain it. I just—I see how happy you are,” I said, addressing Jonas, “and I don’t know. I want that.”

Jonas nodded. “Then you should find it.”

“Great. Monogamy is catching,” Eli muttered.

“It’s not a contagious disease,” Matt pointed out, rolling his eyes. Of all of us, he’d always been the one most driven to find something deeper, something real. I could count the number of times he left the bar with a stranger on my fingers. I might not even need both hands. “And if Seb wants to find something real, that’s good for him. If you don’t, that’s good for you.”

Eli sighed. “Fine. More guys for me I guess.”

“You could always go find the guy from earlier,” I suggested.

Eli looked like he was thinking about it for a moment before shaking his head. He brought the bottle of beer to his lips and took a drink. “Think I’ll just hang out for a bit. Maybe find someone closer to leaving time.”

Of course he would. He wouldn’t leave alone if he decided it wasn’t what he wanted. Eli Mercer always found a way to get what he wanted.

I was a little jealous.

I ended up leaving the bar alone that night, just as I’d planned. Eli had left with some guy about twenty minutes before the rest of us called it quits. Matt and Holden shared a ride, and I would almost put money on Holden crashing with Matt that night rather than risk hearing Eli’s after hours activities. I really didn’t know how he handled living with Eli.

I couldn’t do it.

I liked the quiet of my apartment too much .

I liked being able to listen to music while I showered off the sweat from dancing and the smell of the beer Holden had accidentally splashed on me while gesticulating wildly telling some story about some guy he’d gone on a date with over the weekend. I really liked being able to walk out of my bathroom completely naked without worrying about flashing my bits at someone who had no interest in seeing them.

More than anything, I liked the fact that no one was around to judge me when my mom called at one in the morning after she finished up her shift at the hospital. If Thursday nights with the boys were sacred, then the late night phone calls with my mom were… Actually, they were sacred too.

At least twice a week, my mom would call me as she left her late shift, and we’d spend ten or fifteen minutes catching up. It reminded me of my childhood, when she’d come home past my bedtime and wake me up for a few minutes of conversation after the baby-sitter had gone home.

I was glad I’d chosen not to go home with the guy from Goliath. I would have missed her call.

And then, I was less glad. She clocked my mood as soon as I answered the phone. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m just in a mood.”

“What kind of mood?”

“The kind I’m not sure I want to talk to my mom about.” I could practically feel the look she was giving me all the way across King’s Bay. I sighed. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to say anything. The silence said more than any nagging questions ever could. “I’m in a lonely mood.”

“Didn’t you hang out with the boys tonight?” she asked, concern heavy in her tone.

“I did,” I confirmed, “but that’s not the kind of lonely I’m feeling.” I plopped down on my bed. My mom made a noise, encouraging me to go on. “I see what Jonas and Silas have, and I want that.” I groaned. “How did you manage to go so long without wanting that?”

“Oh honey, I dated while you were growing up. I just never found anything serious.”

“Do you want something serious?”

My mom grew quiet for a few moments. “At my age, I’ve gotten too used to doing everything my own way. I think I’d end up killing someone if I had to adjust to another person at this point in my life, but I do want you to find that. If you want it.”

I nodded. My mom’s reasons for not finding someone now that I was an adult made sense. At least a little bit. I wondered if she ever got lonely, if she ever laid awake in bed at night, wishing there was someone beside her. Holding her as she fell asleep. Then I wondered if it was insensitive of me to even ask her how she managed to go without that for so long.

I was a terrible son.

My mom and I talked for a good fifteen minutes. She told me all about her night at work and about a pottery class she’d decided to start taking at the rec center. I told her about my night out with the guys, leaving out the guy that tried to pick me up. We might have been close, but there were some things I just didn’t talk about with my mom.

When we hung up, I felt a little better. I was still lonely, but I wasn’t as in my head about it.

I’d take the small victory.