Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“I’m telling you, Micheal, we are sick of waiting. We should make our move. We got all the info we need, why not get it done now?”
“You mean you’re sick of waiting. But if we move at the wrong time, it could fuck everything, Cass.”
“We got info on each guard. We know when they change. We know where they are stationed. We have several openings,” Cassidy stated.
“We need to make sure, absolutely sure,” Micheal said.
“We should take out a couple of the guards off hours. Try to thin the staff,” Leslie suggested.
“It would be too suspicious,” countered Micheal. “They’ll just replace them. They will likely have backups. If we do it on the change late at night to early morning, that will be our best chance.”
“We are running out of time. You’re stalling,” Cassidy snapped.
“We need to be sure…”
“No, you need to be sure!”
“You want to take out those responsible? Then we need to make sure everyone is where we want them while also not endangering ourselves.”
“That’s a sacrifice I think we are all willing to make.”
“Are you so sure?”
“I know I am!”
They’d been arguing all morning. Lena and I sat next to each other at one of the tables, picking at our eggs and toast. Lena, despite sleeping all night, didn’t look like she had slept well at all. I could see the circles under her eyes. I imagined she was still stressed by the idea that she was still a captive even if by choice. Andrea assured her that they would go to the park again so she could take any missed calls or texts, reassuring the others again that we were okay. Prepared to make up some bullshit story that we’d gone away on some spontaneous trip.
As for me, I could hardly eat, my stomach in knots after my nightmare. I kept glancing toward Emery, who was currently by the computer station with Dom, looking over some of the video feeds of street cameras Dom had gained access to near Severfalls and its entrance. Emery looked determined, hopeful even. Every time our eyes met, he smirked at me, looking happier than ever.
Over and over, I tried to convince myself why I shouldn’t say a word. Why tell him about my encounter with Nina? Why ruin a good thing? He didn’t need to know. It was just another bad thing to put a rift between us. It was in the past and we were trying to move forward. He didn’t need to know.
But then there was that shadow hanging over me. I could feel it. The nightmares would never end, the guilt might never go away. I had pushed the secret from my mind ever since we decided to leave together on my dad’s boat and, when I thought he’d died, I figured the secret would be buried with him.
I had allowed myself to forget for a little while, to try and let it go. Now his phantom would haunt me forever, forcing me to remember.
If I told him, I didn’t know what he might do, or how he might act. There was no way I wouldn’t trigger an episode. He might be able to ignore his sister in his head now, but would that change after I told him? Would he change and would I be running from him all over again?
I didn’t want to run or hide from him anymore. But I didn’t want to see the rage in his eyes aimed toward me ever again. That was the part that scared me the most—that devastated look. That look of betrayal. Watching the demons take over.
I couldn’t take it. Not again. Not now, after everything.
And yet, if I couldn’t let this go, I would always be wondering if what we had was unwavering, if his love for me could see past this final, awful truth. Would we still be able to come out the other side, unbroken?
There was only one way to know. Once everything was done, this would be the last secret between us. I just had to find the courage to say it.
And I wasn’t sure I could.
If you can’t confess…we can’t be together.
I was scared that my ghost might be right. But I was also scared that there was no way Emery would forgive me.
A hand grasped my wrist, and I looked over to see Lena staring at me, concerned. I glanced down and saw I was gripping my butter knife tight in my fist. I hadn’t even noticed.
It dropped on my plate with a clang and she let me go.
“You okay, Eve?” she asked.
“I’m sorry, I’m just…”
“You don’t have to tell me,” she said. “All this is starting to take a toll on me too. I can’t even imagine where you are right now.” She glanced over at the others. “At least I feel a little better than yesterday. Would be nice to get outside though, but don’t think they’ll let us, at least not till dark.”
The guilt deepened, knowing I had the chance to leave the basement last night and she hadn’t. My friend was stuck down here and it was my fault.
Everything was my fault.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
She rubbed my back. “We’re going to be okay.”
I closed my eyes. I wished I could believe her.
“How are you girls feeling today?” came Andrea’s voice on my other side.
I opened my eyes and saw her smiling down at me.
“We’re managing,” Lena answered when I didn’t respond. “I think we could use some fresh air though.”
Andrea glanced at Lena. “I think that would be good too. We’ll get something figured out. Maybe tonight, though I heard there might be rain or even snow.” She turned back to me. “I was hoping I could borrow you for a minute, Eve.”
I locked eyes with Lena who merely shrugged. I pulled my chair back and stood, squeezing Lena’s shoulder before I followed Andrea toward her room. I glanced over at Emery who looked my way, giving me a reassuring nod before I slipped inside.
Andrea shut the door behind us as I stood by the bed. “Are you feeling alright, Eve? Any pain? Discomfort?”
I shook my head.
“How about your arm?”
“It aches a little still, but it’s a lot better after using the compress,” I said.
She tested my arm, and I found it still hurt to bend it a certain way but not as bad as the day before. “You’re healing fast, that’s good,” Andrea commented. She studied me, checking my pulse. “No other issues? Nausea? Dizziness?”
“I feel queasy sometimes,” I admitted.
She let go of my wrist. “That’s okay.” She locked her hands together, watching me carefully. “I’m going to ask you a more personal question and it’s okay if you're not comfortable answering, but just know I’m here to help. Have you had your period yet?”
I shifted in front of her. “No,” I answered. “I thought last night maybe it was starting, but…nothing now.”
“How late are you?”
I closed my eyes. “By a couple of weeks. I know I might be…I know what Severfalls was doing and I know I might have been in on their experiments. I had so much going on in my head I didn’t want to think it was a possibility too that I was…”
“You’re scared and that’s perfectly acceptable,” she said. “But we should test and make sure. Better to know now so you can move forward, yes?”
I couldn’t keep denying it, couldn’t keep putting it off no matter how scared I was.
Andrea placed a hand on my arm. “Whatever happens, I swore to help you, Eve. Whatever you decide, we’ll make it work.”
I bit my lip as she moved into her exam room. Returning, she handed me a pregnancy test. “You don’t have to do it now if you don’t want to.”
“No, I should,” I said without hesitation. “I should just get it over with.”
She gave me a comforting smile. “You know where the bathroom is. I’ll be here after if you want to talk.”
As I gripped the test in my hand, I left the room. Outside in the community room, I noticed everyone had disappeared except for Lena, including Emery, but I could hear voices out in the garage. I heard Micheal say he’d be back later as a car door slammed shut.
I slipped down the hall to the bathroom. As I came to the door, I saw the light was already on. I peered in and froze at the doorway. Emery was inside, leaning against the door to the shower at the back.
“Hey,” I said in surprise.
He smiled at me.
In a way, I was glad he was here. I went inside and closed the door, then headed to one of the two stalls, shutting myself in. I caught Emery’s shadow pass underneath and stop in front of my stall. I took a deep breath.
“Here it goes,” I said.
A minute later I was outside the stall, staring at the plastic strip laid out on the counter, my heart thudding softly. Emery didn’t say a word as he now waited by the door.
I hugged myself, trembling a little but not just from the cold.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” I said.
“I’m here,” he said.
I took a shaky breath. “I know. I couldn’t do this without you. If I had to do this alone…”
“We’ll weather this storm,” he whispered.
One of the lights flickered above, drawing my gaze. I glanced up, then back at my reflection in the mirror. I looked pale, almost ghostly. Frail. My hair was splitting at the ends, and there was dried blood around my fingers where I’d bitten into them.
I imagined a child in my arms, looking like I did—a child that was deformed. The image turned my stomach, a wave of nausea rolling through me.
But it would be Emery’s. And what if it was beautiful like him?
Maybe then I could stomach it.
I waited, pacing back and forth. When the time was up, I forced myself to look.
Please…please…
I stared at the strip…and could see the faint little plus sign glaring up at me.
“Positive.”
I don’t know if it was me or Emery who spoke but it didn’t matter. A silent wave came crashing down on me. First just the awful reality but also knowing those nightmares at Severfalls hadn’t been just nightmares. Those evil pieces of shit had known.
I turned to him, hoping he would close the distance between us and pull me into his arms. Instead, I found him still by the door. His gaze on me was cold. Distant.
My heart sank. “Emery?”
He turned his back on me for the door. “It’s a shame. But you can still make things right, Eve,” he said in a low, unnatural voice. “You still have time to set this straight.”
“I-I don’t…understand.” He went to open the door. “Emery, don’t leave me.”
He stilled for a moment. “You keep secrets.” He turned to look at me over his shoulder and a scream tore up my throat. Black holes for eyes and a twisted, decaying smile looked back at me. “Confess,” he hissed.
He was out the door and the scream slipped past my lips. I flung myself for the door and panic overtook me when I found the hall empty.
“Eve? Eve!” I heard someone call. But I didn’t look to see who. The walls felt like they were closing in on me and I was slipping…slipping.
I ran.
I ran down the hall, through the double doors and bolted up the stairs to the church. I heard the doors slam back, and my name called again. I heard Emery’s voice shouting at me.
I ran down the aisle and saw him coming up the landing. I made for the door in the corner and wrenched it open.
A chilly wind hit me. I saw thick blue-gray clouds casting over the sun. I rushed past the garden and into the graveyard, past the headstones and a row of twisted trees. I saw a large overgrown evergreen tree and noticed an opening in its thick branches underneath one side. I sank to my knees and crawled under the pine, shrieking when I felt a heavy hand grasp my ankle.
I kicked and was surprised when the hand let go. I slid myself under a branch, hitting my back against the trunk.
I gasped for air, bringing my knees up to my chest. I didn’t see him but knew he had to be nearby.
“Eve!” he said. “It’s okay, sweetheart. I’m here.”
I threw my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. Trying to block out that face, trying to not lose control.
Yet, all I could hear was that one word shouting in my head.
Confess.
I didn’t know how long I sat there. It might have been hours. The sky had darkened, and I was freezing. At some point, I stopped trying to block him out and just listened.
Several times, he tried to coax me out, begging softly. Eventually, I heard him speaking with Andrea in low whispers. She tried to talk me out too, but I wouldn’t budge.
He placed a blanket nearby, but I didn’t move to take it. He kept saying he was going to pull me out, but Andrea warned him against it each time.
“You’ll only scare her more,” she said. “Give her some time.”
“She’ll freeze under there,” he snapped.
“Give her a moment,” Andrea answered.
Eventually, he asked her to leave, and she did. Alone together, we sat in silence for a long time.
I couldn’t stay like this forever. But facing him terrified me.
I heard leaves crunching as he shifted nearby. “Baby, I know you're scared. But you're honestly scaring me. Won’t you talk to me?”
I pressed my face into my knee, unable to find the words.
I heard his slow exhale. He was silent for a moment before speaking again.
“You know, you inspired me to be better when you came to St. Agnes. I didn’t just want you with me—I wanted to be you. You were everything. So sure of yourself, so bright, so beautiful. You were so fucking brave. I wanted to be just like you.
Before you came, I’d thought more than once about ending it all. But you convinced me, every single day, to keep going. That was all you, Eve.”
I clenched my fist.
“You are the strongest, bravest person I know,” he continued. “You are the best person I know. And…if I could take back what happened, I would if it meant this never happened, that I never scared you like this. Never hurt you like this.”
I blinked and tears fell.
“I’m sorry, Eve.”
A sob caught in my throat. And I realized it didn’t matter anymore what I thought or felt.
He had the right to know.
I took a deep breath and unfurled myself from the tree. My limbs were stiff, but I forced myself to move onto my knees. Carefully, I crawled my way out of the opening and saw him sitting beside it.
I still found it hard to look at him, but I allowed him to help me to my feet.
I stood there for a moment and took a deep breath. “Can we walk for a minute?”
“Of course.”
I turned down one of the paths, gathering the words in my head, how I was going to tell him. He didn’t speak, not yet. He walked by my side as we veered around a row of bushes.
Ahead, I saw a large oak, its branches bare and in front of it was a statue of an angel, its face crumbled on one side.
I stopped in front of the grave and realized it was two—a man and a woman. Husband and wife, buried together in a site that had grown wild over time. I imagined wildflowers blooming around them in the spring, reclaiming the space with beauty.
I turned toward Emery, who had paused a few feet away. Forcing myself to meet his gaze, I saw the grim set of his expression, tempered with concern.
“Is it about the test?” he asked gently. “Because whatever it is, I swear I’ll be right beside you, no matter what you choose.”
He took a step toward me, and I put my hand out to stop him. “I have to tell you something, Emery. I should have told you sooner, but I was scared.”
His brows furrowed. “Baby, you can tell me anything.”
I shook my head, chewing on my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. “Remember how you reacted when you found out who I was? And you thought I had been poisoning you with the medicine?”
He stilled, his expression darkening. “Yes. I remember.”
“And how you reacted when you saw I had this?” I touched my charm necklace which had once been his sister’s.
He clenched and unclenched his hands. “Yes.”
I dropped my hand. Just say it, Eve. Say it, and let whatever happen happen.
Then another small voice chimed in, If he kills me, I hope there’s nothing after. So I won’t remember.
The wind picked up, but I barely felt the chill anymore—I was too numb. “There’s something else,” I said, my voice trembling. “Something I discovered when I learned what happened to you and the others. What I’m about to tell you…it might make you react like you did before.”
His eyes locked onto mine. “I won’t go off on you like that again, Eve.”
My face twisted as I fought back tears. “You don’t know that. Not until I tell you.”
He shifted but stood firm, his voice steady. “What is it?”
I swallowed hard, drawing in a shaky breath before bracing myself. “It’s about your sister, Emery. I…I was responsible for what happened to her.”