Hawk (Ride with Me)

Chapter 23

Hawk

“We have two more issues to vote on tonight. Hawk’s elimination from the club. And the manner in which it will happen.”

The entire table turns their eyes to stare at me. No one speaks up, which is a tad disappointing, but, in the grand scheme of things, not surprising. What’s happening right now is nothing out of the ordinary.

It is spelled out in the club’s bylaws that once we prove ourselves disloyal, we are out, no questions asked. The fact that Prez is taking all this time to discuss the situation and also make arrangements for my mother tells me that I am getting special treatment.

“Without further ado,” Prez calls for everyone’s attention, “we will first vote on item number one.”

Their attention shifts from me to him.

“As stated in the Savages MC bylaws, any member who doesn’t follow a direct order from their president is considered a traitor, therefore, he will be eliminated from the club by way of death.”

Silence rings all around us. No one reacts, no one even dares to breathe. This is a good lesson for all of them not to ever cross the president. He will never have a problem with eliminating you should you cross him.

The only thing that doesn’t make sense to me is why he would offer me such a generous payday since I will not be around to enjoy it. I don’t have a will, nor do I have any family left that could use the money upon my death.

Ruby Santiago’s angelic face floats in front of my eyes like a comforting memory. I wonder if that’s what I will see before I take my very last breath. This obsession I’ve developed when it comes to her is out of control. I first thought this is what having feelings for someone would be like, but I can’t get her out of my head, so it has to be something more, and most definitely unhealthy.

In the end, none of it matters. The only thing I can hope for is that she got away safely, just like I had told her. Guilt eats at me that I didn’t actually buy her the ticket and put her on the fucking bus myself. But she is smart. I’m sure she was able to leave.

With a start, I realize that I should be more concerned about my mother. However, my president’s word means everything to him, and if he promised that the club would take care of her, I have no doubt that it will happen.

“Out of respect for Hawk, I would like to give the members the opportunity to say their goodbyes to him and thank him for all his years of dedicated service.”

Prez stands up from his seat at the table and walks around until he is by me. I stand up as well and turn to face him. There is too much emotion when I look into his eyes. He grabs my arm and pulls me into a tight hug.

As bikers, we do not have a reputation of being emotional beings, quite the contrary. But this moment requires it.

“Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your club for so long, Prez.”

I pat him on the back, expecting him to let go immediately. Apparently, he needs a few more minutes.

“You will always be remembered in high regards, Hawk,” he promises.

Once he lets go, one by one, each member of the club that’s present in the church room comes and does the same, a side hug, a pat on the back, a word of encouragement. Some are a bit more emotional than others.

The last one to say his goodbyes is Winger. All throughout the meeting, I felt his leg bounce up and down as anxiety got the better of him. Now, when it is time to say farewell, he can’t even meet my eyes.

He looks at Prez. “Can I have a minute to the side with him?”

The president nods in agreement and walks away. With all the other members going back to their seats, Winger pulls me into a corner. The room is big enough where we can talk without being heard.

He remains quiet for the longest time, his head bend down, staring at his steel-toed boots. I let him have this. I’ve been in this situation before where I had to let go of someone I’d become good friends with in the club. It fucking shreds you to pieces when you have to abide by the rules you swore that you would.

“Was she worth it?”

It’s a short sentence, only four words, but they cut deep. I don’t know how to explain to him my feelings toward Ruby. Is it love? I have no fucking clue. I’ve never felt that kind of pull toward another human being.

I try to picture myself pulling the trigger as I point my gun at Ruby’s head. I get instantly nauseous. I literally ache from it.

“Her life wasn’t worth it,” I respond to him. “But I understand why Prez thought she should be eliminated. Given Bricks’ connections, it would’ve been easy for him to lure her in and find out we played him. She was a weak link.”

Winger nods along to everything I say, complete confusion obvious on his face.

“If you knew she was a weak link in our mission, why would you risk it?”

I don’t know what to tell him. I guess I could share with him the hard life this girl had, the way she was treated by her own parents, how she ended up in that strip club. But, at the end of the day, her story is nothing special. All strippers have a sob story on how they ended up there. Was I about to go and save them all? Fuck no.

“You caught feelings,” Winger concludes from my silence. “You fucking caught feelings.”

He sighs and drops his head back, staring at the ceiling. I lean against the wall and wait for him to go through his grieving process. Although, I’m thinking he will have a harder time once I am actually dead.

“You’ve been a great friend to me, Winger,” I tell him.

His eyes snap back to mine. “Yeah? Well, you’ve been a shitty ass friend to me, brother. You risked it all for what, a piece of pussy? That’s all you got out of it. What the fuck were you thinking?”

This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. It makes me realize that while I am at peace with the club throwing me out, I am not okay with dying. However, you can’t have one without the other.

“I was thinking that sometimes we have to make tough decisions. And that no matter how we look at it, we should not be allowed to make that kind of final decision for someone else, someone who is not in the life, who knows nothing about it.”

Winger smirks at me. “Are you saying that you’re going to fight Prez now and tell him he has no right to kill you because he’s not God? That’ll make for a great final show, Hawk.”

“That’s different.”

I shake my head at him, hating that he can make me laugh even in this dire moment.

“I signed up for this. I knew that not following his order would get me killed. Ruby was just trying to live her life,” I explain. “She was scared, being threatened by Bricks, then me, and she did what she thought was best to save herself.”

Winger drops his head back against the wall, banging it gently a few times.

“I guess this is a good lesson for me,” he chuckles. “I see some of the brothers with their women, and I wonder how it would be to feel something strong enough toward another human being where you want them to be yours forever.”

“What’s the lesson?” I ask when he doesn’t continue.

He lets out a heavy sigh. “The lesson is that love is not worth it, Hawk. Love will eventually get you killed because you don’t think with your fucking head anymore. You think with your dick, then the heart joins the chat, and do you know what the end result is? You. Are. Fucked.”

I can’t argue with any of what he just said. When it came to Ruby, most of my decisions were made by my dick. But now I realize that my heart had a bigger part in it. I am in love with this girl, and I’ll never get to tell her.

I think I love you, she whispered to me only hours ago.

Now, I wish I could go back in time and tell her that I think I love her, too. That is one regret I’ll have to take to the grave with me.

In my peripheral vision, something catches my eye. I turn to look and see that Prez is walking away, with his cell phone pressed to his ear. Since he never takes calls during church, I can only imagine that this was important.

The rest of the members continue talking amongst themselves, giving me and Winger the space to chat.

Looking over the room, it feels like an out of body experience knowing that once I step out of it, I will never see it again. I will never see my club brothers again. I will never see the sky or the stars, the sun when it’s light out. There is no tomorrow morning for me anymore, only this moment. While everyone will look at everything with new eyes going forward, I will be buried six feet under.

I allow myself another moment of weakness as I wonder if Ruby will miss me. If she’ll wonder what came of my life. If she’d want to even know why I never tracked her down years later.

I wonder if she’ll find herself a man who will love her enough to take care of her, have children with her, give her the home life she deserved.

Jealousy sets heavy in my chest, but I’m not sure if it is because I want to be that man for Ruby despite the fact that I won’t live long enough for it, or if it is because she will be alive to enjoy such a life.

I never imagined I’d want that sort of life. It’s never been my thing. But now that it’s all being ripped away from me, I can’t get it out of my head.

“I’d rather put a bullet through my head than shack up with a woman permanently.” Winger mumbles from next to me, as if he can read my thoughts. “Look what doing that did to you, brother. I’m gonna do my thing and live my best life, alone.”

Nodding along with everything he has to say, I let him get it off his chest. Hopefully, he will feel better about his life choices based on my experience with mine. Whether that’s good or bad is up to him to figure out.

Suddenly, there’s commotion by the table where we hold all our meetings.Prez is back and banging the gavel on the table. It looks and sounds like it’s hard enough to crack the table.

“Everyone back at your seats.” His voice rolls like thunder over all of us. “Time to vote.”

I look at Winger, surprised to see his eyes are full of unshed tears.

“I’m sorry I disappointed you, brother.” It’s the only thing I can think of saying.

He bobs his head up and down and swallows hard. “You’re not sorry for saving her though.”

I blink in confusion, not realizing that’s what he was looking for. I shake my head, ready to take my punishment.

“Never.”

We both turn and walk over to the table, with me taking a seat in my spot for the very last time. The president’s eyes go over each one of us, never pausing over anyone in particular, not even me.

“All in favor of voting Hawk out of the club say aye.”

A resoundingAyeechoes all around us, making my heart squeeze painfully in my chest. In a moment of helplessness, I press my hands to my thighs and dig my fingers in. My basic instinct is to run, but it is the last thing I will do. Getting out of the club with the brothers’ respect is the last thing I can do.

“All against voting Hawk out of the club say nay.”

Everyone looks down at their hands except for Winger. He turns his head and stares at me. It feels like he’s drilling holes into the side of my head.

“With an unanimous vote, it’s been decided that Hawkeye Paulsen is no longer a member of the Savages MC. As such, he will turn his cut and patches in.” The gavel hits the table as it marks the final decision.

I’m not the only one surprised by this request. I truly believed that I would be buried in my colors. Prez taking this away from me cuts me to the bone. I could fight it and challenge him on it, make him take if off me by force. Instead, I stand up, take the cut off, fold it carefully and place it on the table in front of me. He doesn’t ask for me to slide it over to him, and I don’t attempt to do it either.

“The last matter and point of discussion is the manner in which Hawk will be taken out.”

I swallow hard and say a little prayer. It is not for myself but for my mother not to ever be aware of my demise. I don’t want this kind of pain on her in the last years of her life, if she even makes it for years and not months.

I also send a prayer for Ruby Santiago, the girl who stole my heart without permission. The girl I will never forget, not even in the afterlife.

“A new item has come up for vote, and it needs to be decided tonight. Devereaux is offering the Savages MC a twenty-year contract on all his firearm dealings. This includes his entire organization as long as we can show that we can work the load.”

My brain goes into business mode on instinct. It’s what I’ve always done.

“What’d the catch?” Winger asks the question that’s sitting on the tip of my tongue.

“In exchange for this agreement, Devereaux wants Hawk to be turned over to him. Immediately.”

I am lightheaded from the instant rush of blood to my brain. I’m sure I understand what’s happening.

“All in favor of accepting Devereaux’s offer and for Hawk being banished from ever stepping foot in the state of Texas or neighboring states, including signing a legally binding non-disclosure agreement that would clear the club of any wrongdoing in the event that he got arrested, say aye.”

I look around the room in astonishment, unsure of what is happening. Before we all got up from the table, it was decided that the brothers would be voting on the manner in which I would die. But what Prez is now saying… What he is saying is that I would be free to leave, cut all ties with the club. Forever.

The only issue I currently see with this is that the room is deadly quiet. No one is saying a damn word.

Crickets.