56. Pax
Chapter 56
Pax
E loise asks, “Aren’t you going to do something?”
“About what?”
“That.” She points toward the other side of the room where Finn has made himself at home.
“Something like what?”
“You need to tell him he can’t sit there.”
The pulse in my temple throbs. She’s been saying shit like this more and more, as if she really believes I have control over what Finn and Holden, or anyone else at this school, do.
Power is an illusion. We wield it until we don’t. I was only as strong as my friend’s support made me and the fear others had of us, of me, allowed me to be. It’s hard to maintain control over a group of people when you struggle to control yourself.
Do the other legacy families still have that fear of me? Probably, but I know it’s not as absolute or as strong as it was before. How can it be, when part of that fear was out of the imposing presence The Trium manifested? Now we’re barely speaking or looking at each other. God knows I’m surprised when Finn and Holden even show up to the dining hall or in the lobby at Vale Tower every morning.
“How is Finn’s choice of tables any of your business?”
“I-”
“I’ll tell you how. It’s not. But if you’re missing him so much, then you go over there and drag him back.” She won’t be able to, but god I hope she tries. I hope she goes over there and gets her feelings shredded by Finn, Thea and anyone else sitting at that table.
“Him sitting over there has people talking.”
“You worried about the comings and goings of your former fiancé is what has people talking. Is this your way of saying you’re regretting your choice to screw him over? If so, then I suggest you submit your request to terminate our contract to the appropriate committee.”
“I’m not trying to end things.”
“Then you’re trying to make me jealous or piss me off. I’m heavily leaning towards the latter.”
“The Trium doesn’t look unified with him sitting with her. ”
Holden’s voice holds a low warning when he says, “Pax has already pointed out that Finn is no longer your companion or future husband. But since you’re worried about optics, you should know he’s without a companion and was told to mingle with legacy daughters.”
Holden frowns like the words are rancid on his tongue. I’m pretty sure he was given the same instructions.
“He’s supposed to be interacting with legacy daughters. Not-”
“Thea’s from a legacy family and she’s in the same prospect year as you. He couldn’t pick a more appropriate lunch companion, then if he’d went line by line through a build a perfect date manual.” He turns the page in his book. “I suggest you shut the fuck up and focus on the guy next to you or you may find yourself being challenged for the privilege.”
Holden’s not defending me. I know he doesn’t care about the situation I’m in, but his warning is true. The more Eloise focuses on Finn, the bigger an opening someone else will seek to exploit.
It’s rare that a companion is in danger outside of the forty-eight-hour period, but I suppose someone could challenge her for me. League rules say we can challenge for anything. I press my lips together to keep from smiling. I’d pay good money for that to happen. Hell, I’d give my left nut with no anesthesia to see Thea challenge her for me. Not that it’ll ever happen, but I’d suffer to watch if it did.
Eloise has more to get off her chest. Her position next to me and on the leaderboard is making her more mouthy than she was before. Something which I’d have thought was impossible since she’s never learned to shut the fuck up. “She’s at the bottom of the board. She won’t be acceptable much longer.”
It’s rare that Holden ever shows any emotion in public, and when he does, it’s always anger or disdain. It’s the disdain that’s on his face right now as he looks at Eloise. “Thea doesn’t know how to stay down. She’ll be back on top again.”
And isn’t that the truth? No matter how many times she’s knocked down. No matter how much shit she’s been through since coming here, she always gets back on her feet and comes at us stronger and harder than before.
But will she do it this time? My stomach twists in knots, imagining her in a cell for all these months. Something happened to her while she was locked up. I see her when she doesn’t know I’m watching. I see her flinch. Tense. Shake. I watch her in secret as she pulls herself together and puts on the mask she needs to, to face people. I look over at her table, taking her in. The set of her body, the harsh lines on her face. The mask is in place now.
I drag my attention away and pick up my water, plastering a bored expression on my face as Eloise says, “She had The Trium’s protection and was lucky before. No one wanted to risk pissing you off. That’s not the case now. There’s no way she’s coming back from this.”
Holden
Pax dismissed Eloise’s concerns about Finn sitting at a non-legacy table with Thea, but I step off the elevator on our floor, to find him and Finn arguing in the middle of the hallway.
“Thea’s made it clear that she doesn’t want anything to do with you, Finn. Just stop obsessing over her and let it go.”
It’s easy for Pax to say. He’s never been attached to anyone in his life. Obviously, his feelings for Thea weren’t real. If they were, he wouldn’t have been hooking up with Eloise behind her back. Finn has cared about a few girls. They never lasted for long, but even in those brief days of all-consuming interest, none of them made him as obsessive as he is with Thea.
I’m not sure I’m feeling any different. But where Finn turns his feelings outward for everyone to read, I keep mine buried deep. Festering. Churning into something ugly and disturbed. It’s been eight months, twenty-six days, eighteen hours and eleven minutes since the last time I was close enough to Thea to see every twitch on her face as she breathes. Close enough to reach out and snatch that breath. End her life. Taste the fear in the air and on her skin.
Finn says, “Thea’s upset with me because of you and the company you choose to keep. But that doesn’t mean she’s stopped wanting me. She’ll come around.”
I can see that Pax doesn’t like hearing the hopeful tone in Finn’s voice. He’s about to squash it. “Why would she? Why would you want her to? You have plenty of options for getting your dick sucked until you’re assigned a new companion. Find someone else.”
“It’s not that simple, Pax.”
“You agree with him?” Pax asks, turning to where I’m standing.
Was I nodding? In my head I agreed, but I didn’t think I was acting out the movements. “I agree that none of this is simple. It hasn’t been simple since the day you told us what Malcolm asked you to do.”
A look flashes across his face. Is that… guilt? I dismiss it just as quickly as I think it. Pax doesn’t feel guilty about anything he’s done. “Just like this whole situation we find ourselves in now, isn’t simple. It’s messy and complicated as fuck. You had to know that this was a risk, right? That our bond would fracture behind what you did?”
“I understand that you’re upset or whatever. Or I’m trying to understand. But it’s been months. Months. Don’t you think it’s time to move on from this?”
Finn cocks his head to the side, sizing Pax up. I take a step back in case he lets a knife loose. I don’t want to get caught in the crossfire. “It’s kind of hard to move on when we don’t actually know what the fuck happened.” He bites out. “It’s been nine months, and you never said what led you to make this move against us. You won’t even admit that you’d been sleeping with my fiancé behind my back, and that the two of you conspired against us for however long she’s been riding your dick.”
Pax sighs, “I didn’t betray you like that.”
“Like what? Physically? But emotionally you did? Was Thea right? Has Eloise been your end game all along?”
Pax won’t answer that question. I wouldn’t either. Finn doesn’t care about Eloise, but he cares about the betrayal, and I’m not sure he’ll stop himself before he does some serious damage with Pax. I’m conflicted because I don’t want to care about Pax’s wellbeing, but I do. Years and years of history between us are hard to erase.
Pax says, “None of that matters. I made a choice and the high council approved it.”
“Why?” I ask, back pressed against the wall, arms folded across my chest. “Why did they think this was a good fit? What did you say on your application to convince them that this was such a beneficial match? Why didn’t they force you to challenge Finn? What was the deciding factor for them to sign off on it no questions asked?”
“I don’t know.” He says with such nonchalance, but I get the impression that he means it. He really doesn’t know. “You didn’t submit the paperwork?”
“I signed the paperwork.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“You know how these things go, Holden. The lawyers get together. They draft pages and pages of clauses and requirements. I made sure they got my name and birthdate right, acknowledged I understood what was at stake if I didn’t hold up my end of the deal, and signed where the X’s were. Now here we are.”
Finn’s twirling the point of his knife against his finger, and says, “The penalties. That’s what you cared about? Some legal bullshit and not the risk that ruining our friendship would pose to everything we had planned? To everything we want to do and accomplish as The Trium? The few hundred grand you’d have to pay out to Eloise was the bigger issue, and the reason you didn’t say no?”
While Finn’s ranting, I’m turning over the words Pax used. Here. We. Are. He signed the paperwork, acknowledged he understood what was at stake. And here. We. Are. What was at stake?
He rakes his fingers through his hair and sighs. “I get it. It’s fucked up the way you two found out about it, and I probably should have said something beforehand, but there wasn’t time. As for why the council agreed?” He shrugs. “It’s not for us to question their decisions.”
Finn and I have been questioning a lot of decisions lately, and we probably wouldn’t be watching the destruction of a lifelong friendship if Pax had asked some questions, too.
Finn voices the question he asked me when Thea came back. “Does any part of you even feel bad about this? About how hurt Thea must be?”
“Thea was fun, but she was never gonna be a good fit for me. Eloise and I have more in common. She’s loyal, and she understands the way things work. That’s what I need. Not someone I’m fighting with every step of the way.”
Finn’s nostrils flare. He’s agitated, skating the edge, but I make no move to intervene. I’m still watching Pax for signs of… something. Anything to prove it’s him and not some version of his father standing before us.
Pax expels a puff of air. “This is about more than Thea. Fuck, man. What do I have to do to be done with this topic once and for all? What will it take for us to move past this and get back to normal?”
I answer before Finn can. “You’ve made the decision that’s right for you. We’ll do the same.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means things can never go back to the way they were before.”
I watch as Pax’s face transforms. It hardens, his jaw ticks. Then there’s nothing. “Fine.” He turns and lets himself into his room. Finn follows me into mine. Shaking his head, he drops onto the couch and says, “You don’t have to say it. I know Pax has a point. Thea hasn’t expressed any interest in us since she came back.”
I take the seat next to him, pulling my laptop into my lap. “She hasn’t stabbed you yet.”
“She threatened to.”
“But she didn’t. And you’re still eating at her table with her friends when she’s not there. They haven’t put a stop to that out of fear of betraying her.”
“She knows I sit there. She mentioned it today. Said I was breaking up our routine. And I sit next to her in class. She hasn’t changed seats.” His tone lightens as he says the last part. “You’re right. She is still interested in me.” I snort. Of course, he’s only focusing on what this means for him. Which is exactly what Pax has been saying. He’s focused on what his actions mean for him. I guess we’re all selfish in that way.
“You need to up your game, Holden, or it’s just gonna be me riding off with Thea.”
“Don’t worry about my game.”
“Oh, but I do, since you have none.”
“I have what I need, and that’s an irrefutable knowledge of Thea’s habits and routines, and limitless ideas on how to force her to do what I want. ”
He chuckles. “So you’re basically gonna stalk and chase her again?”
“Basically.”