Chapter 18
CHAPTER 18
T he first rays of sunlight crept through the window, casting a warm, golden hue across the room. Lexi sat on the edge of the bed, clutching her knees to her chest, and gazed at the man lying beside her. Hawk was sprawled on his back, one arm slung above his head, his chest rising and falling in the peaceful rhythm of sleep. Even in stillness, he radiated strength, the sharp lines of his jaw softened only by the slight scruff he hadn’t bothered to shave.
Her heart twisted.
What a night.
Passionate, raw, and overwhelming in ways she hadn’t been prepared for. They’d come together like two forces of nature, and for a few precious hours, she’d allowed herself to forget everything else—her work, her fears, her past. But now, in the cool light of dawn, reality was pressing down on her, making it harder to breathe.
Hawk stirred, his eyes fluttering open, and when his gaze landed on her, his lips curved into a sleepy smile.
“Morning,” he murmured, his voice rough with sleep.
Lexi felt her breath hitch. “Morning.”
He reached out, his fingers grazing her thigh as he pulled her gently back down beside him. “Come back to bed.”
She wanted to give in—to let herself be cocooned in this fleeting bubble of warmth and desire, but that would be foolish. He’d already ruined her for anyone else. Going another round with Hawk would destroy her completely. Instinctively, she knew that. There was only so much heartache she could bear.
“I can’t,” she said softly, her fingers brushing against his as she slid out of reach. “I have to check on the silverback. Patrick’s probably already at the clinic.”
Hawk groaned dramatically, running a hand through his messy hair. “Surely Patrick can take care of him for one morning. I, on the other hand…” His voice trailed off as he sat up, his broad shoulders catching the morning light. He looked at her, hope flickering in his expression. “This is your last chance, you know.”
Lexi froze, unsure if he was teasing or not. His words were laced with a bittersweet finality, a stark reminder that this moment—their moment—was slipping away.
“I know,” she whispered, not even managing a sad smile. “I wish I could stay.”
She turned away, pulling on a T-shirt, as the silence stretched between them.
There was a creak as Hawk climbed out of bed and crossed the room to the small shower. Lexi’s eyes flicked to him against her will, remembering how it felt running her hands over every inch of that magnificent body.
For a fleeting moment, she imagined what it would be like waking up to this sight every day, making love to him every night. Sharing a life with him.
Her chest tightened and she choked back the tears. Hawk disappeared into the shower, the sound of running water filling the space. She busied herself with pulling on her jeans and putting on her shoes, tying the laces with trembling hands.
By the time he joined her outside on the doorstep, the air between them was lighter but no less heavy with unsaid words. The morning chorus of the jungle surrounded them—the chirp of birds, the distant rustle of leaves—but Lexi could hardly hear it over the pounding of her heart.
“What time do you leave?” she asked, trying to keep her voice even.
“UN escorts arrive around noon,” he replied. “I need to head back to the Lodge to pack my things and have breakfast with Robert. He’ll probably guess where I’ve been.” He shot her a heated look. “Not that I mind.”
Lexi forced a smile. “I don’t suppose it matters. It’s just one night, and you’ll be gone soon.”
He turned to face her, his dark blue eyes locking onto hers. “I want you to know that last night was… well, it was incredible. It wasn’t just one night to me. I don’t want you to think that.”
Her stomach twisted. “No,” she said quickly, shaking her head. “Of course not. I didn’t mean it like that.” She looked down at her hands, the words tangling on her tongue. How could she explain? How could she make him understand that it had meant everything to her, but that everything could only last for one night?
“I won’t forget you, Lexi, or what we shared.”
Her throat tightened. “Neither will I.”
There was a pause.
“You could come with me,” he said, the words so soft she almost didn’t hear them.
She stared at him, and for a moment, couldn’t breathe.
Come with him?
He couldn’t be serious.
“Hawk…” she began, but he cut her off, his tone more urgent now.
“I mean it, Lexi. Come back to New York with me. You don’t have to stay here. The rebels are pushing closer every day—it’s not safe. You’ve done so much already, but you could do more back home. We could do more. Together.”
Lexi’s stomach dropped, and she turned away, unable to meet his gaze.
“Don’t ask me that,” she whispered.
“Why not?” She could hear the frustration in his voice, tinged with desperation. “I don’t want to lose you, Lexi. I’m not ready to let you go.”
Her heart shattered at his words. She could see the sincerity in his eyes, the raw vulnerability he was trying to hide, but that only made it harder. “My life is here, Hawk,” she said, her voice trembling. “You know that. I’ve built something here, something I’m proud of. I don’t want to give it up.”
He paced up and down in front of her, reminding her of a caged animal. “I can’t imagine never seeing you again.”
Her breath hitched as tears welled in her eyes. “I know. That’s why this is so hard. But I can’t leave. I can’t go back to that life.”
“You wouldn’t be going back to the same life. You’d be with me.”
Her tears spilled over, and she turned away, unable to bear the intensity of his gaze. “And then what? What happens when I’m in New York, and you’re off running your company, jetting around the world? What happens when I’m left standing in the shadows again, like I was before?”
He went silent, his jaw tightening. She could see the conflict in his expression, the way her words hit him like a blow.
“I’ve been there before, Hawk,” she continued, her voice breaking. “I can’t do it again. I can’t lose myself like that again.”
He scraped both hands through his hair. When he spoke, his voice was hollow. “I understand. Fuck, Lexi, I’m sorry. That was a dick thing to say. I know you can’t leave, and I don’t expect you to. I just… I just wish it didn’t have to be this way.” He punched the side of the cabin, not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to feel it.
Her heart ached at the pain etched into his features. She reached out, taking his hand in hers. “Me too,” she whispered.
For a moment, they just stared at each other, the weight of regret pressing down on them. Then Hawk sucked in a ragged breath. “I should go. Robert’s probably wondering where I am.”
Lexi couldn’t help the tears streaming down her face as she watched him walk away. She didn’t call after him. She didn’t try to stop him. Because deep down, she knew this was how it had to end.
As the jungle swallowed him from view, she wrapped her arms around herself, the emptiness in her chest threatening to consume her. Hawk had left his mark on her, just as he’d promised. But instead of warmth, all she felt now was the ache of his absence.
And she knew she would carry that ache with her, always.