Herald the Night

Chapter Two

The only thing Theo wanted to do was get home, shower, and collapse into bed. He didn”t even care if he ate, which was nothing new considering how much his anxiety had knotted his gut. It was after six. He and the kids had been out all day long. He hated every second of it, but his choice in the matter was limited. If he didn”t catch a break soon, he knew he was well on his way to a complete breakdown. The amount of energy it took to push through was exhausting beyond belief and a recipe for disaster when it came to managing his panic disorder.

They had started the day out with their painstaking weekly visitation with Mommy Dearest. Naturally, they had to go to her and not the other way around. The excuses for why they had to do it that way were countless. It”s easier for you guys to come here. I have meetings right after. I need to be at the White House in case something happens. It”s safer here. He’d long given up trying to have his counter arguments heard. Of all the battles he had to fight day in and day out, this one just wasn”t worth the stress.

Just like every other painful visitation, Toby and Anna were miserable and itching to fight. He had thought, perhaps in error, that if they made this visitation schedule a part of the guardianship, his mother would try a little harder to mend the broken ties of their dysfunctional family. He’d hoped, again in error, that she would try to reconnect with the kids and maybe even work toward being an actual mother again. Unfortunately, Toby and Anna simply became another item on her tightly-scheduled list of meetings. One she often double-booked with phone calls and emails and paperwork. Her assistants had no issue routinely interrupting with “pressing” issues.

The kids hated these visitations. Theo hated them even more. His own relationship with Adelaide was too far gone. As much as it hurt to admit it, it had been in a state of ruin for far longer than either of them would admit out loud. There was still a chance to salvage something with the younger children, but every time they struggled through the awkward tension and caustic moments, that chance grew dimmer and dimmer. Every single time they got together, everyone was left in a foul mood. Theo was the lucky recipient of the brunt of Toby and Anna’s attitude over it.

To make the day even more grueling, it was one of their busiest days of the week. Anna’s therapy followed the visitation. Toby’s summer soccer practice started an hour after her sessions ended, leaving them barely enough time to grab food on the way to the field at their school. Add in the fact that Secret Service agents tailed the car everywhere they went and had to do safety checks at every stop, and the schedule became arduous and frustratingly slow. The end result was usually a pair of angry children fueled on fast food and an exhausted Theo who had been silently battling through panic attacks and acid reflux without a chance to stop and take a full breath.

By the time he pulled the car onto their road and caught a glimpse of the house, he was near tears with relief. If he could just get through the next couple of hours, he”d have a few moments of peace and could try to escape the torture of his mind. They were so close, he could almost taste it. Unfortunately, in a cruel twist of fate, he knew as soon as he pulled into the driveway that he”d have to wait even longer for his fleeting moment of relief. His pulse kicked into a higher rhythm as he scanned the open garage. Connor’s truck was gone, which wasn”t a surprise given his work shift. The alarm came from the fact that he could see the door to the interior swinging wide open.

His soul left his body with a gasp as knuckles rapped on the driver’s side window. The panic was already in full force as he lowered the window to speak with the Secret Service agent who had leapt from the car behind them. He knew the drill. It never made it any easier to deal with the abject fear that coursed through his veins.

“Mr Moreau, we have to clear the premises. Were you expecting someone tonight?”

“N-no. I can check the cameras.” Struggling to breathe through the iron band cinching around his lungs, Theo pulled out his phone.

“Roger that. We’ll head in now.” The agent stepped back with a crisp nod and beckoned to the men assembling around the rear of the vehicle. Just great. This was evidently an all hands on deck security situation.

The kids had gone still in the backseat, silently juggling their own inner demons as they all waited in the car. Theo’s heart sank as he checked their expressions in the rearview mirror. They’d been through so much of their own shit because of their mother’s presidency. He wondered, not for the first time, if any of them would ever recover from it. With a sigh, he dropped his gaze to his phone while digging his inhaler out of his pocket. Panic attacks always triggered his asthma. So did exhaustion, stress, and any other heightened emotion that he could think of. Tonight, he was dealing with all of it.

The security camera app was slow to load, but once he got into the system, the string of video clips captured by the outdoor cameras left him dealing with rising anger on top of everything else he was already dealing with. There was no one in the house. There was no one snooping around. Whatever threat he and the agents had imagined was nonexistent. The reason for the wide open, unsecured home was all Connor. According to the timestamped videos, he’d barreled out of the house late for work and left every light on, and every door wide open. Not just the garage door, but the door leading from the garage into the house.

Cursing as he smacked his palm to the steering wheel, he switched to the messaging app and shot a copy of the video evidence of Connor leaving to the lead agent for the children’s security unit. It didn”t matter if he had the footage though. They were still going to be stuck in the car until the whole house was cleared for entry. He swore again and made the wise decision not to text Connor. He would be likely to say something grouchy and rude in his current state.

“That’s two dollars for the swear jar, Theo.” Anna chirped from the backseat with a smug laugh.

“Anna, not now,” Theo warned. There was no bite to his tone. Just exhaustion. Exhaustion that ached bone deep and weighed him down until he trembled from the effort it took not to lose it completely.

“This is bullshit. I”m hungry.” Toby folded his arms over his chest and sulked, glaring out the window at the house.

“Language, Tob—”

“Not now, Theo.” Toby’s pissy sarcasm was a new character trait Theo was not at all a fan of. “Take it out of the allowance I don”t get.”

Resting his head on the steering wheel, Theo worked through his breathing exercises to try and find some patience and strength. Between the anxiety, annoyance, exhaustion, and anger, that patience was exceptionally hard to find. Being an adult sucked. He’d been forced to be the adult for a lot longer than the age on his ID claimed. He counted silently in his head as he ignored the bickering from the backseat and concentrated on trying to rein in his quick, panting breaths.

Another knock on his window did no favors for his anxiety. He rolled the window down again, trying to muster up a smile for the agent. “All good?”

“All clear. We’ll be here if you need anything else. Don”t hesitate to call.” The agent clapped his hand against the top of the door with a nod and a much more relaxed smile. “Good night, everyone.”

Theo mumbled a response as the window closed, shifting the car back into gear to pull into the garage. He was finally one step closer to being able to relax. Hope was a beautiful thing. The knots of tension just barely loosened from his body as they all climbed from the car. The kids barreled into the house, already arguing over something else, and he let them go. There wasn”t any energy left to put his therapist-approved parenting skills into practice. Honestly, he just wanted the day to be over.

By the time he made it inside and had the doors secured and the alarms armed, he knew his pipe-dream was just that. Wishful thinking evaporated like a puff of smoke as he hurried into the kitchen to find out what had Toby and Anna pitching a fit. His shoulders sagged as soon as he crossed the threshold.

“I”m hungry. What the hell, Theo? There ain”t shit to eat!” Toby abandoned the near empty fridge and proceeded to open every cabinet in quick succession. More empty boxes joined the pile already on the counter as Anna pointed to the swear jar with a scowl.

“Two dollars, Toby!” Her shriek was enough to leave Theo”s ears ringing.

“Guys, please. I”ll order a pizza. Toby, language. Anna, no tattling. Just… go play video games or something.” Theo turned his back on the chaos of the kitchen before it sent him spiraling again.

“I thought we couldn”t use technology after six?” Anna smirked and lifted her chin with a challenge in her eyes. Consistency and patience. The words of numerous psychologists and therapists echoed in Theo”s mind before he swiftly dismissed them. Sometimes, rules were worth breaking if it meant he could think without being bombarded.

“Tonight”s an exception. Please, just go. I need a minute.” Theo called the words over his shoulder as he sought the solace of the bedroom. He needed one minute alone. Just sixty seconds to catch his breath and scrabble together some grit before he tackled the next few hours before bedtime.

The bed was as much of a wreck as it was when he crawled out of it this morning. He bypassed it with a sigh, veering into the bathroom. He barely caught himself on the edge of the vanity as laundry tangled around his feet. Irritation skyrocketed as he flicked the light on and found even more chaos. The hamper was strewn across the floor, and the counter was cluttered with shit. The empty bottle of mouthwash standing front and center added fuel to the fire. With a garbled sound that lived somewhere between a growl and a shout, Theo snatched it up and pivoted back toward the door.

The chirp of the alarm system froze him in place. He recognized it as the sound that alerted them to a door opening. Panic returned with a woosh. No one was supposed to be entering at this hour. There was no such thing as a drop-in visit. Not with the way Theo struggled through anxiety attacks every time someone entered without texting first. A moment of indecision paralyzed him before he jumped into action to investigate. He had to put the children’s safety first, even if all he wanted to do was lock himself in the bathroom and hide in the bathtub.

He crept through the bedroom and peered around the door jamb just in time to take the brunt of Connor’s frame as it barreled straight into him. He staggered backward with the force and landed straight on his ass with a strangled cry as the wind fled his chest. His confused lungs struggled to regulate after getting the air knocked out of them, and the fleeting terror over being unable to breath had Theo’s vision going black at the edges as primal fear took hold before he could talk his mind out of it.

“Shit, baby!” Connor stepped forward with his hands outstretched. Theo’s flew up in response. He couldn”t handle crowding. Not until he caught his breath. They stared at one another across the distance until Theo finally managed a full inhalation.

“What are you doing home?” His words were shaky and weak, each syllable wavering.

“I… it…” Connor dragged a hand through his hair with a sputter. “I can”t right now.”

“What do you mean, you can”t?” A scowl twisted Theo”s face as he struggled to his feet, still clutching the empty mouthwash bottle. “Why are you home? I thought you had work?”

“Theo, not now!” Connor barked, the echo of his voice bouncing too loud around the room that was supposed to be their sanctuary.

Theo’s anger finally burned bright enough to eclipse every other emotion he struggled with. “Yes, now! I can”t get you to do jack shit to help around here. The least you can do is answer one simple question!”

“Ha! Funny, that. It was perfectly fine for y’all to brush me off this morning, but now I gotta answer? I reckon there”s a double standard I ain”t aware of?” Connor swept through the room and yanked the closet door open, the handle smacking the wall with a loud crack.

“Answer me!” Theo pitched the empty bottle toward the bedside waste bin. He missed.

“Fine!” Connor spun on his heels and glared. “I got shit canned. Happy?”

Theo blinked once, twice, three times. His jaw dropped and he slowly let out the breath he had been holding as he absorbed the news. “You”re kidding, right?”

“Screw you. The hell would I joke about that for?” He shook his head and turned back toward the closet. “I”m not doing this right now. I need a shower.”

“No. Absolutely not. Toby first, then me, then you.” Theo pushed his fingers into his hair, his hands trembling as the world around him spun too fast.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Connor bit back, reeling toward Theo with another scowl. “Fine, whatever. This shit is getting real ridiculous.”

“What shit, Connor? The shit that goes on while you”re checked the fuck out? Surprise, there”s a lot going on and sometimes you have to wait your turn. Lord knows I can”t get any help, that’s asking too much!” Theo’s voice cracked under the weight of his out of control emotions, rising higher and louder with every word until he was shouting.

“Yeah, sometimes it is, ‘cause newsflash, Theodore: I didn”t ask for any of this! I wanted a life partner. I ended up getting a bunch of roommates with shit attitudes instead!” Connor’s hands flew in erratic, senseless patterns as he gestured toward the bedroom door.

“Fuck you. If it”s too much, leave. You have that luxury!” Theo”s trembling became a full body quaking as a gaping cavern opened up at the base of his gut.

“Y’know what? I reckon I will.” Connor turned back toward the closet as Theo felt the blood drain from his face. He watched in silence, paralyzed to the point of being unable to speak or move or even breathe, as Connor grabbed a duffel bag from the top shelf and began haphazardly shoving clothes into it. He spun, his face burning rage red as he met Theo’s eyes with a glare. He snuffed out a breath through his nose and shook his head. “I should”ve figured. You ain’t gonna say anything?”

Theo felt his jaw work, but no words came out, even as he screamed them in his head. No. Stay. Wait. Don”t go. Nothing made it past the strangling tightness in his throat. He tried to reach out as Connor moved past him toward the door while brushing a hand over his cheeks as he stormed away with the duffel bag in hand. Theo took a step to chase after him, but his knees buckled with the sudden movement. They hit the floor as the echo of a door slamming in the distance shattered through the sound of Theo”s blood rushing too loud in his ears.

“No…” The single syllable escaped Theo’s lips with a rush of air as he fell into the void that had grown in the pit of his stomach. Tears joined the spiral into utter despair as he let his body crumble to the floor with a choked sob. He had nothing left to give and no energy to fight against the tsunami of tears. So he let himself drown in them.