Chapter 3
The Repercussions of Kissing
The car ride home was silent except for the low hum of the engine. I kept my hands at ten and two, eyes locked on the road, doing everything I could to keep it together.
The rest of the party had been a shitshow after that happened. Not only did Derek abandon me at the stupid spin-the-bottle game, he all but avoided me after the kiss. I was left hanging by myself, at a party I didn’t want to attend in the first place.
I found a spot and pretty much sat there through the evening, watching other people have a blast. When I couldn’t take it any longer I’d gone in search of Derek.
I found him in the backyard of the frat house, after nearly forty minutes of searching every room, with a group of guys I’d never seen before. He wasn’t drunk, he was just acting weird . Oddly quiet.
For someone who promised me a good time and said he would act as my wingman, well, Derek did a poor job of it.
I was a bit upset, but it was more at myself than at Derek. I shouldn’t have allowed the kiss. It was just a game, nothing more. But god... I kissed Derek Garner!
I still couldn’t believe it had happened. It was everything I had dreamed his lips would taste like and more. I was still reeling with the sensation of his lips on mine.
Fuck.
This made things more complicated now. There was no way I was getting over this. No moving on from my feelings for him. That kiss only cemented them, solidified them in a way I didn’t know was possible. How was I supposed to look Derek in the eyes after this without making my feelings obvious?
Maybe it wouldn’t matter to Derek. I mean, he was straight. He would brush this off and laugh about it later like it was nothing.
I stole a glance at him in the rear-view mirror, only to see his face set in stone, staring out the window. For one thing, Derek never sat in the back seat. Ever. But tonight he was sitting there.
A sinking realization hit me in the gut.
Something didn’t feel right.
Was he freaking out? Did he hate it ?
Did he regret going along with it?
When we got to the apartment, he didn’t say a word. It was driving me nuts.
“Okay, what the hell’s your problem?” I asked, finally breaking the silence.
No response. Not even a glance.
Derek skirted around me to the kitchen. He yanked open the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, twisting the cap with unnecessary force.
Ah, fuck this.
I followed him, the frustration boiling in me to breaking point. “I knew the kiss would make shit weird. That’s why I didn’t want to do it! But you insisted. You made us do it, so can you not act weird around me now? Like, I didn’t even want to go to the stupid party to begin with.”
The fridge door shut with a loud thud as Derek spun around to face me. Finally.
He took two big gulps of water, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and set the bottle on the counter. For a second he just stood there, fingers tapping the plastic like he was working something out in his head.
“What are you talking about?” His tone was defensive. “I’m not being weird. You’re the one making it weird by reading into it.”
“Reading into it?” I exclaimed. “You’re the one who’s all distant and quiet.”
“I’m not.”
“Yes, you are!”
It came out louder than I intended. Clearly, I wasn’t going to hold any of this in tonight.
So I just went with it.
I took a step toward him. “You disappeared on me at the party. I thought we were supposed to have fun together, and you even promised you’d hook me up with someone, but after the kiss—” I heard my voice waver and winced inwardly. I wanted to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal but damn it, it was hard to hold my emotions back. “After that happened, you just... you won’t even look at me now. You were the one who said it was fine. But clearly it’s not fine!”
Derek shook his head, then started to pace the small kitchen space. I realized I’d never seen him so on edge like this before. What the hell was his problem?
He sighed. “Look, can you stop making it a big deal? It was just a game. We were playing spin the bottle... we kissed, it didn’t mean anything.”
I could feel my face fall and I wasn’t entirely sure why.
He was right.
It hadn’t meant anything. To him.
And to me?
It had.
Derek looked at me, taking a few steps forward. “I’m not saying...” He sighed, stopping right in front of me. I could feel the tension seeping from him. “I’m just saying it was only a kiss. A kiss isn’t a big deal! It’s just lips... It doesn’t need to mean anything. It didn’t affect either one of us. It’s just smashing the places we eat from together. Look...” He grabbed my face. “I’ll do it again and it won’t matter.”
I froze. I didn’t know what to do. Half of me wanted to push him away.
But I didn’t have the benefit of time to decide.
His mouth was on mine the next instant. Fierce and demanding. He gave me a brutal kiss that outdid what we’d done during spin the bottle.
I whimpered, caught off guard by the sudden aggressiveness, but couldn’t resist surrendering to it. My lips softened against his.
Derek slowly slid his hands from my face to my neck as he pressed in closer, still kissing me but more tender now. Gentle. Almost peck-like.
“See?” he murmured against my lips. “Not a big deal. Doesn’t mean anything. It’s just... kissing. Right?”
“Right . . .”
My voice was barely a whisper. Unrecognizable. I was still trying to wrap my head around... this. I noticed Derek hadn’t stepped back after the kiss. His hands were still on my neck, and his thumbs brushed softly against my skin, leaving a trail of sparks with each gentle motion. I wasn’t sure he even realized what he was doing.
“Uh, Derek . . .”
His eyes had turned dark. His expression was unreadable.
“I want my shirt back,” he said.
“What?”
“My shirt. Take it off.”
I felt the surprise on my face as I looked at him. It was like moving through mud. My brain was so fried from the kiss I didn’t understand what he was asking. “Like, right now?”
He nodded and slowly inched back. His fingers moved to pull the shirt out from my pants. In his attempt to help me take it off, his knuckles brushed up against my sides. I hissed. Electricity zapped through my body, firing every nerve.
I heard him suck in a deep breath.
I wasn’t sure what was happening, but the way his eyes raked over my bare chest and down and up my body had my face heating up. Was he checking me out?
But Derek was straight. He wasn’t into guys.
He wasn’t ... My thoughts spluttered, focusing on how his gaze locked onto mine.
Then in a swift move, Derek removed his shirt too. My brows shot up in shock. “Wh-what are you doing?”
His nostrils flared. “I bet kissing with more clothes off would mean nothing too.”
Um... What? Was he hypothesizing? It sounded like he was testing a new theory or something.
A theory that it was possible for a straight guy to kiss another dude and like it?
I nodded, almost robotically, and just like that, his lips returned to mine. Only now our chests were touching, skin to skin. Oh, it felt so good. Divine. Fuck.
I felt the moan rumble inside me before it escaped my mouth, meshing against his lips.
“Sorry,” I mumbled into our kiss.
“For what?”
“For moaning.”
“Don’t be sorry about that.” His breath fanned against my mouth. “Your lips are so...” He gripped my hair, yanking my head back, and stared at them. “Insanely tempting.” He pressed a kiss on my lips.
“So soft.”
Kiss.
“Fuck.”
Hard kiss.
He wrapped his other arm around my waist and pulled the rest of my body against him. The force of it sent the air from my lungs. I moaned into his mouth again.
Derek groaned. His embrace became tighter and tighter, matching the intensity of the kiss. Reason was quickly slipping away from my mind. I was losing badly against the walls I’d set up when it came to Derek.
Yeah, I was crossing every line and boundary and I just couldn’t stop. Kissing Derek was like holding on to every dream I’d ever had. It was every holiday and birthday and moment of good news, all wrapped up into one. I would never experience another kiss like this. I knew it in my soul, and it just made me lean into it harder.
I couldn’t breathe, because that would be a waste of energy. Every moment needed to be spent soaking him in, absorbing... this.
I didn’t want to throw away the precious seconds I had here, with him.
So breathing?
Optional.
And when it felt like I would pass out from lack of oxygen, Derek broke the kiss, pulling back just enough for me to catch my breath.
“I think I have an idea what’s going on here,” he said, more to himself.
I didn’t understand what he meant by that, but I nodded along, trying to see where he was going with this.
“Do you know what I didn’t like?”
I met his gaze. “What?”
“Watching you kiss that guy.”
He leaned back in and gave me another kiss. At this point, I was thinking this was a bad idea. It was a terrible idea. What were we even doing? Why was I going along with it? We were roommates for Christ’s sake... This would make living together awkward.
His legs bumped against mine as he started moving us toward the couch.
“Derek...” I wanted to stop him but it came out as a moan.
We both fell onto the couch, him on top of me. We’d wrestled a few times, mostly for the remote, and getting pinned under Derek was nothing new, but this time it felt different. His lips were moving down my jaw to my neck, and it was getting harder to form a rational thought.
“I didn’t like watching you kiss Heather,” I said. I mean, if we were being honest about what we both didn’t like tonight, I might as well let him know his kiss with that blonde girl did bother me.
“Fuck Heather,” he replied.
The vehemence in his tone made me smile, just a little. I kept going. “And I didn’t like that you abandoned me at the party.”
“Right... I’m sorry.” His teeth grazed my collarbone, nibbling the skin there.
For someone who hadn’t ever done anything with another guy, he sure knew the right places to touch and tease. I could feel his arousal. Thick and hard. Maybe it was just hormones, or the alcohol, but something was clearly not working in that head of his. Or mine for that matter.
My body was taking on a mind of its own just as his was. My fingers clawed down his back, caressing and groping wherever I could reach, and I even found myself grabbing his ass.
He had a good ass. A firm ass. My fingers dug into the fleshy muscle, giving them a gentle squeeze.
He moaned in my ear, and it was the best sound I’d ever heard in my life.
His large hand grabbed my thigh. He lifted my leg to hook around his waist, then he pulled me against him, aligning our growing erections together.
I nearly came undone in my pants. Every nerve in my body zeroed in on where we touched. We moved together in a slow grind. I’d roll my hips up into him while he’d hump down into me. It was electrifying. Every rub took me to different heights of pleasure. I couldn’t stop the filthy sounds that escaped my lips.
“Oh, Kyle,” he murmured, so low and thick. “Take off your pants.”
I went still.
Not because I wasn’t riled up for him. I was. I was rock hard and throbbing in my pants. I had dreamed of this moment, literally, even if everything about it was a bad idea. Getting with a straight guy, especially after a terrible breakup, wasn’t smart. Hooking up with my roommate when I had no other place to stay also wasn’t smart, but my cock was hard, and his cock was hard... and he was rubbing up my thigh.
And he was everything I’d ever wanted.
“Take off your pants,” he repeated. “Unless you don’t want to?”
I wanted to. I really wanted to. I’d never wanted to fuck someone as badly as I wanted to fuck Derek Garner right now. But if we crossed this line there was no going back. Was he ready for that? Was I ready?
We started kissing again. Soon enough, the hesitation left my mind. My hands fumbled to undo my pants, and he did the same. We were both breathing hard as we struggled out of our pants and underwear, and then his hands were on my hips, forcing me around faster than I could catch my breath. Then he started planting kisses down my neck.
He leaned over me, his breath hot against my ear.
“I liked kissing you. It excited me more than my kiss with Heather.”
I met his gaze, silent for a moment.
“I’m so hard,” he whispered. “I’m so fucking hard... for you.”
I knew that. I could feel the evidence of his arousal pressing against the back of my thigh. The realization, though, that it was because of me?
I’d never heard something so erotic.
“I’ve never . . . I don’t . . .” he trailed off, breathing heavily as his gaze remained locked on mine. The raw desire in his eyes was unmistakable. “I want you so bad right now.”
I sucked in a breath. Was he even sure? Did he know what he was asking?
I had to know. “Derek, you’re thinking with your dick right now. I know it. I’m doing the same thing.”
He shook his head. “I’m not.”
My hands shook, the truth of his statement sinking in. “Do you really want to have sex with me? I don’t want you to freak out on me or anything.” I just had to be sure. I don’t want to lose you.
He cupped my chin, gently lifting my face to meet his. “I’m sorry for my behavior earlier. That kiss... it, um, gave me an epiphany.”
“An epiphany?” I echoed, puzzled.
“Uh, I think they call it an awakening?”
I blinked, sensing a glimmer of something important.
But I needed him to say it. “What did you need an awakening from?”
“You know... I wasn’t exactly sure what it was or when it started. I thought maybe it was because we spent so much time together, but of late I was beginning to... notice things... notice you. I kinda brushed it off because I didn’t understand it then,” he said. “All it took was a kiss to make me realize that I didn’t care about you only as a friend or roommate.” He captured my mouth in a kiss that had my eyes rolling back. “I want you,” he whispered against my lips. “I want this.”
“But you were going to hook me up with someone tonight.”
“I thought so, but fuck me, that spin the bottle showed me I didn’t want that at all. Seeing another guy kiss you didn’t sit well with me at all. I knew then that fixing you up with someone else wasn’t happening, especially not after our ... kiss. Fuck. I’ve never been this turned on for someone, Kyle.”
I had so many things to say in response to that, but my body couldn’t hold off any longer. I was lost in my lust for him—literally throbbing for him.
“Lube and condoms. Nightstand. Second drawer,” I told him, my gaze lowering to his cock. For all the times that I’d seen Derek partially clothed, or even with his flashes of nudity, I’d never taken a good look. It would have been inappropriate.
Now, though, I let myself look and . . .
Oh.
He was a big boy.
He sprinted to my room to grab them and was back in a flash. I watched him slip the protection on his cock then lube himself up. The squelching sound it made was filthy and arousing. I was already leaking so much precum from my slit.
I’d never been turned on like this before. I looked at Derek. “I want you,” I whispered, my throat raw.
He smiled. “Fuck, Ky. I want you too.”
Then he settled behind my parted legs.
I shuffled, unsure of what to help him with. “Do you even know how to do this?”
Derek let out a chuckle. “Not sure if it would interest you to know that this isn’t my first time at anal.”
Oh.
Okay.
He grabbed the lube and squirted some on his fingers, coating them. He brought his slicked-up fingers to my hole. The cool touch sent a shiver down my spine.
Oh, he really wasn’t lying about it not being his first time. He was ready for this. Good at it, even. The way he worked those fingers into me—prying me open, preparing me for him—I lost all reason and surrendered to the pleasure.
By the time his fingers were out of me I was a leaking mess.
“You ready?” he asked, guiding his lubed cock to my entrance. His hands on my hips were trembling. Our gazes locked.
There was no returning from this. I think he knew that. I think he was communicating that to me as he waited for my answer. This would change everything between us. I had no idea how it would be, but I knew deep within me that no matter what, this was going to be one of the best decisions of my life. I fucking liked this guy so much.
Nodding, I bit hard on my bottom lip.
His grip on my hips tightened, then he pushed in. I grunted. God, he was big.
“Fuck. Kyle,” he hissed as he worked into me. Slow and delicious. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” he growled as he drove in till he was buried to the hilt.
I didn’t have anything more eloquent than that.
Instead, I made a groaning noise and arched back into him, waiting for my hole to adjust to his size before I started to rock my hips back and forth.
He moaned out loud, pulled back till he was almost out, then slammed into me with a force that almost made my arms give out
“Derek . . .” I cried out.
Fuck, that felt good.
He started planting kisses down my back. I didn’t mind his sloppy saliva marking my skin. Hell, this felt like a dream I didn’t want to wake up from.
He began to thrust, slow and deep, building the intensity until we fell into a steady rhythm.
God, the way he moved, the precision. Every thrust hit that sweet spot. Derek was either a fucking god, or he just... worked for me. Every second we spent moving together was like we were in perfect sync. He didn’t have any bad moves. There was nothing except sweet, sweet pleasure. Soon I was shuddering, with what felt like micro-orgasms shooting from my insides to the tip of my cock.
I gripped the couch. “ Oh , keep going. Keep going...”
His hand wrapped around my frame to grab my cock and stroke it. He moaned louder, like touching me there got him off, and then I felt him start to pulse.
“Shit. I’m so close,” he growled.
He gave a few hard thrusts before he came with a long grunt. His legs violently shuddered against the back of my thighs. The way he pumped my cock had me there too, the orgasm ripping through me with so much intensity it took my breath away. With a strangled gasp, I spilled over his hand and onto the couch.
Holy. Shit.
Derek continued pressing kisses down the back of my neck and shoulders. When our breaths came back to normal he slipped out of me, maneuvering our bodies to position himself next to me on the couch in a spoon cuddle. In our sweat and body fluids. I didn’t know how to say to him that I’d just had the best sex... ever.
“Ky...” His arms tightened around me as he buried his face in my hair.
What just happened felt unreal. I was afraid I’d blink and it would all go away. I was afraid to even speak.
“Are you okay?” I managed to ask after a while. If anyone had told me this was how the night would end, I would’ve laughed my head off.
But here we were.
“Mm-hm,” he whispered, nuzzling my neck like we were old-time lovers. For a straight dude who’d just had sex with another man for the first time, Derek seemed way too calm for me. And his confession earlier about caring for me beyond just being roommates and friends...
I needed to ask. There was so much we had to clarify. I opened my mouth, my heart in my throat. “Derek...”
“Shh.” He silenced my lips with his finger. “We are not having this conversation tonight,” he said.
“How do you even know what I was going to say?”
He gave me that charming smile of his. “I know you, Kyle. Your mind is buzzing with a lot of questions right now, and you’re wondering why I’m not freaking out.”
He was right, I was. Perhaps there was truth to what Sam said earlier this evening. Derek was simply able to read me like a book.
I turned within his embrace to face him. “What if I am? Don’t tell me you don’t have a thousand questions running through your head right now, about us. About what we just did.”
“Oh, I do.” He kissed my forehead. “But...” He wrapped his leg around mine, drawing me even closer.
He was silent for a while, as if pondering his next words.
“How did you know you were gay?”
Ah, the good old question.
“Um, just the same way you thought you were straight?”
He snorted. “Can’t say I am exactly that anymore for sure now, can I? Maybe I’m bi?” He sighed. “Man... I don’t even know anymore.”
I shifted. A part of me feared what was coming. Was this the moment where his senses were coming back now he wasn’t thinking with his dick anymore?
“Do you regret it?” I asked, holding his gaze, bracing my heart for impact.
“No,” his answer was quick, and it rang with a kind of finality that felt right.
I blinked. “You sure?”
“I don’t regret what we did, Ky.” His fingers started drawing little circles down my back, sending shivers through my entire being. It was so easy, the way my body responded to him like it was the most natural thing to do. “I liked it. A fucking lot,” he murmured.
I knew Derek. I’d heard every tone of voice, every turn of phrase. I knew when he was telling the truth, and I could hear honesty in every word.
I decided to accept it. Settling into the moment, I sighed. “So what do you think is going to happen now?”
His chest rumbled against me as he chuckled, the sound tickling my ear. “It’s not going to be the same, is it?” He paused, searching my eyes. “I’m . . . still processing this. Us. I don’t regret sleeping with you, but I need to do some soul-searching, I guess. But what I can promise you is that I’ll be honest with you about everything. My feelings, my thoughts... everything,” he said. “Let’s take it a day at a time. What do you say, hm? For now, I just want to enjoy this moment with you.”
He didn’t wait for my answer before he claimed my mouth again, and I didn’t mind.
I could accept the complexity of this. Life is complicated.
And I liked how complicated this was, with Derek’s mouth on mine.
It was safe to say we wouldn’t be leaving the couch anytime soon.
I had no idea where this was going to go for either of us, but the smile on his face right before he kissed me, the gentleness, the way he was looking at me with so much...
Lust?
Desire?
Love?
I knew we were going to be okay.
“Okay,” I whispered against his wet lips. “We’ll do just that.”
So we took it one day at a time.
It didn’t take that long. Derek spent weeks talking to his uncle, and he used an on-campus resource for students who were exploring their sexuality. He came home every day to me, and we did all our normal things.
We had dinner.
We laughed.
We fucked.
Everything was just . . . us.
But better. IMAX high definition.
And it just so happened that two months later, after a lot of reflection and deep conversation, I did not only have a roommate slash best friend.
I had a loving boyfriend.
THE END