Hide, Don't Seek

Chapter 20~

*Two Weeks Later*

Nightmares have rocked my world every single night. My shoulder and cuts are now healed, and most of the bruising from that night has faded. All that”s really left is a gnarly scar from where that jerkface bit me and some tenderness in my ribs.

It only took me a couple of hours to dispose of my guests. It’s not my favorite thing, which is why I usually asked Stu. It took me way too long, but I was working against cracked ribs, and my shoulder screamed in agony every time I moved it.

Afterward, I scrubbed my skin raw, cried until I lost my voice and all my tears dried up, then promptly fell into bed.

As I drain my, like, seventh Diet Coke of the day, I find myself relieved that I’m almost finished with the last class of the week. My phone notifies me of an app message, but I ignore it while I review the homework for the day and remind them that our unit test is next week.

Once my students log out, I stare long and hard at my computer. Memories of all the sordid, jacked-up stuff I’ve been through play through my mind like a horror film.

Dad abandoning me.

Mom marrying an abusive drunk.

My step-cousins harassing me every chance they got.

Years of bullying and harassment from peers and my stepdad about my weight.

My so-called best friend manipulating me into having sex; no warm-up, no fondling, no kissing… Just ripping my vagina open with a nine-and-a-half-inch dick without lube. Pumping four times before cumming, then driving us to school in silence.

Him ignoring me after… then spreading rumors about me begging him to sleep with me, rumors about me stalking him, and, of course, rumors that I was the worst lay ever.

Becoming a social pariah, even more than I already was.

Mom kicking me out of the house at 18 in favor of her shitty husband who loved calling me a cunt and a whore.

Working two full-time jobs to pay for my own school, plus trying to pay rent.

Being backed into the corner of the burger shack I worked at by my boss. (Who was also my friend’s Dad’s best friend).

Him taunting me with the few tips and leftovers I desperately needed in order to pay the electric bill and afford some boxed macaroni.

His big, meaty hand, stuffing the money down the front of my pants as his vodka-steeped breath burned my skin.

The bald man from the bar who followed me home, pushed his way into my apartment, and took every orifice I had.

Blood

Tears

So many dang tears.

My vision tunnels and I begin to feel woozy, which, helpfully, causes me to blink out of the past before the last 8 years could surface. Lord knows things only got worse.

Blinking out of the pathetic playback of my life, I snatch my phone off the table next to me and make my way into the kitchen. I open the pantry, then the fridge, then the freezer… and then amble back to the pantry. I”ve barely eaten since that night. I know I can’t live off of Diet Coke and the occasional trail mix bar, but right now, I just don’t have it in me to care.

I. Don’t. Care.

There are no more smiles, no more tears, no more anything. I can’t even get into a book. And reading is life- or, it was.

Now, well…

A ding on my phone distracts me momentarily, and I heave a painful sigh. Swiping the screen open, I find two new messages in my kink finder app. After a brief internal debate, I meander through the living room and fall ungracefully across my couch. For at least twenty seconds, I stare up at my phone, now hovering over my face.

Deciding to just get it over with, I click the app open to see that E has messaged me. He’s messaged a couple of times since we met, but I”ve only sent surface-level responses. Home-boy must be desperate to be still trying. But, still, it”s...nice.

Alpha has also messaged me a few times, but I always make excuses not to be able to meet. I haven”t felt the least bit attractive and definitely didn”t need him asking questions about my cuts and bruises.

Then, there”s Stu. He calls and sends messages almost daily. But I haven”t responded to a single one. He brought people into my home- men into my home. Yes, they saved me. But, then, he also showed them something that could absolutely land me in jail. Honestly, I’m still waiting for the police or FBI to knock my door down.

Almost dropping my phone on my face, I quickly remember that I was about to read messages from E. Pushing aside Stu’s betrayal, I click on the message icon and imagine my big COD soldier.

E: I’m so bored at work! Wanna play a game?

E:Promise it won’t hurt. wink emoji>

A ghost of a smile graces my lips for the first time in the last couple of weeks. I almost ask him what he does for work, but then I remember the rules. My rules.

Snuggling further into the couch, I respond.

Me:Sure. But, sometimes pain reminds us we’re alive.

E:Ha! Too true baby girl.

E:Ok, Twenty Questions…

Me:No! Lol

E:I’ll tell you what, we play 5 questions, and I’ll return the favor. But, be warned, if I have to narrow down my questions, there won’t be a lot of “easy” ones.

I tug my lip into my mouth, my teeth almost piercing through. The man has a way with words. And his body… hot dang!

Me:Ok, fine. eyeroll emoji> But, you have to answer your own questions, too.

E:You got it baby girl.

E:I’ll start easy with you. Because I’m a gentleman.

I giggle out and shake my head. Gentleman my butt.

E:What’s your favorite food?

Me:Not easy! I’m a fattie and love food. Orange chicken, puffy tacos, Green Goddess Salad from Panera, and I’m an absolute slut for a good cheesesteak. No cheese sauce though. That ain’t right.

E:Young lady… if you were here I’d redden that ass. Don’t ever refer to yourself as fat again. You”re sexy, curvy, soft, and a-fucking-mazing.

Me:eyeroll emoji> I’ve already let you screw me. You don’t have to flatter me.

E:I’m officially counting your punishments. That’s 2.

I scoff aloud and roll my eyes heavenward. He’s laying it on a little thick but, what the heck, it doesn’t hurt to pretend.

E:Ok, ok… I’m a foodie too but I could absolutely eat bacon cheeseburgers daily. Sides must be switched up but a good, juicy burger is heaven.

Me:You like juicy meat. Got it. wink emoji>

E:In fact, I very much do. But that’s another conversation. Next question: Happiest memory?

I’m still thinking about what he meant by his previous statement. I don’t remember seeing on his profile that he was bi or anything.

My face flushes with heat as I imagine him kissing another man. A familiar tingle begins to make its way through my body and I shiver involuntarily. Wetness pools in my panties and I have to forcefully shake myself out of my lusty daze.

Re-reading the second question, tears form in my eyes. I don’t have a lot of those, to be honest. Zig-zagging my way through my past, I try to find happy moments. Birthdays sucked, and friends were few and far between. Landing my first teaching job was great, but it wasn’t what I considered “happy.” Just… relieved I could possibly help others the way no one helped me. It also didn”t hurt that I did something more with my life than my stepdad ever said I would.

Images of Stu cross through my mind. The first night we met, I was in the middle of doling out a little justice. His lazy grin and bright blue eyes caught me off guard. His hair was messy in that “I don’t care” kind of way that is insanely sexy. His piercings were at complete odds with his playful, golden retriever vibe. My silly, sweet Stu.

I feel the scowl on my face deepen as I reprimand myself. Not mine. Never mine.

Me:Meeting my best friend… now ex-friend. He was always such a bright spot in my dark world. You?

E:Why aren’t you friends anymore? I can’t imagine you in a dark world. You are the light. Trust me. Wink emoji>

Me:He betrayed me. He wasn’t the first, but he will be the last. Ok, too personal. Next?

E:Ok, baby girl. But, I’m here if you need to vent or talk.

We spent the next ten minutes messaging back and forth. His questions veered off from general questions to more sexy questions, which I was wonderfully thankful for…until I wasn’t.

I got so wrapped up in our little nonsense bubble and divulged one of my biggest fantasies: more than one man at a time. I’m pretty sure I made him uncomfortable when I added that if any of the guys also play together, it would make it hotter.

After three minutes of him not responding, I told him I had a meeting and closed the app.

Too much. I’m always too much.