Chapter 26 Harper #2
Mason is still talking and I force my thoughts from missing Nate to focus on his words.
“We talked about some of this—about the way you saw our relationship.” He looks more bitter than ever.
“He knew you were having these issues. And then he swept in like some fairytale prince to save you. How am I supposed to see him as anything but an asshole for that?”
The idea of Nate as a fairytale prince makes me grin.
Somehow, I don’t think there are many Disney movies featuring riding crop- wielding sex doms. “Okay, first of all,” I begin, “he didn’t know any of that stuff until long after we started seeing each other.
So it’s not like he used it to get close to me.
” I swallow. The next part is harder for me.
“Secondly, I wasn’t attracted to Nate because he filled some missing caretaker role for me. ”
For so long I had assumed that my sexual desires for dominance were exactly that—a desperate attempt to find someone to take care of me. But I had finally come to the realization that it just wasn’t true.
I like domination and submission in the bedroom because it’s what I like. Simple as that. Just like millions of other people like those things. My sexual desires don’t hurt anyone else and I don’t need to be ashamed of them. There doesn’t have to be some deep, tortured meaning behind any of it.
Yeah, maybe feeling unloved in my life had something to do with the way I initially clung to Nate.
But our relationship grew so far beyond that.
I love Nate because he always knew exactly what I needed, and he took great pains to make sure I got it.
I love Nate because he was passionate about his work.
Because he made me grilled cheese sandwiches in the middle of the night.
Because he took me to the beach and showed me his nerdy comic book collection.
I love Nate because when I was with him, I felt sexy and beautiful and important. And because I always knew I could trust him. With my body, with my submission. With my heart. I trusted him with everything.
“Nate and I were really good together,” I tell my brother in a shaky voice. “So good that I was willing to take risks. So good that I was willing to make sacrifices. He made me happy, Mason.”
I steal a glance at my brother. He has a grumpy expression on his face but it’s almost…
resigned. He definitely doesn’t look disappointed, or condescending.
Instead, he sighs heavily. “I still don’t like it.
I’m afraid it’s a really bad idea.” His gaze meets mine head on.
“But I also know that you’re much smarter than me, so I guess I’m just going to have to trust your decisions. ”
My mouth drops open. That’s the last thing in the world I thought he would say.
Mason holds up a finger. “I’m still set on you finishing your master’s degree,” he says firmly. “Not for any other reason than I know it’s important to you. And you deserve to make that dream come true.”
I nod, feeling dazed. Then my stomach drops. It’s nice to hear him say all that, even if it isn’t quite a full-fledged approval of our relationship. But it doesn’t really matter when it comes down to it, does it? Nate made his choice. And it wasn’t me.
I sigh, crumpling up my napkin. “I don’t think you have to worry too much about Nate.
” The words feel heavy leaving my mouth.
“But I do promise I’m going to finish school.
You’re right about that.” I have no idea how I’m supposed to walk onto that campus with Nate there, but I’m going to have to figure out a way.
If my brother is finally going to treat me like an adult, I have to act like one.
“Speaking of school,” he says, glancing down at his watch.
I take that as my cue to stand. We’re quiet again as we make our way back to my apartment, but it doesn’t feel so heavy this time. In fact, I haven’t felt this comfortable around my brother in ages.
Which is why, when we finally reach his car, I throw my arms around his neck.
“Thank you for coming.” He’s still for a moment, as if surprised by my display, and it hits me that I carry some blame in what our relationship turned into over the years.
I haven’t done much to treat him like a friend either.
Finally, Mason’s arms come up around me, holding me tight. “Let’s see a movie soon, okay?” he asks. “My treat.”
I’m grinning wide when I pull back. “You’re on.”
Get out of the car, Harper, I tell myself for the dozenth time. Just get out and go into the building.
Every time I think I’ve built myself up enough, I imagine seeing him inside, and my stomach sinks, sending me right back to square one.
I try to hold onto my brother’s words. You deserve to have that dream come true. Getting my master’s is my dream. It always has been. And I can’t fail just because of a guy, even a guy as amazing as Nate Chase. I wouldn’t just be letting Mason down—I’d be letting myself down too.
It’s that thought that finally has me climbing out of the car.
I somehow manage to keep my shoulders back and straight as I walk into the psych building.
Just nod at him and go to your desk, I tell myself.
I can do that. I can ignore how entirely gorgeous he is.
I won’t think about that little dip he gets in his cheek when he smiles big, not quite deep enough to be a dimple but adorable all the same.
“Stop it,” I mutter out loud, pausing in front of the door. I take one last deep breath, and push my way in.
Nate isn’t there. For a moment, I let myself relax. And then I realize that the rest of the research students are gathered in a small group by his desk, talking softly, everyone looking on edge.
I swallow hard, a cold sliver of unease dripping down into my stomach. Just how far had those rumors about me and Nate spread?
George looks up to see me hovering near the door. “Harper!” He waves me over. “Did you hear the news?”
“Are you feeling better?” Kim asks as I approach, my heart pounding hard.
“Um, yeah,” I say, distracted as I wonder exactly what this news might be. “Stomach bug.”
George makes a face. “That sucks. Glad you’re back.”
“Yeah,” Kevin says drily. “You’re just in time for us all to lose our positions.”
“What?” I ask, totally lost.
“We’re screwed.” Kim’s voice is flat.
“We’re not screwed,” George argues, but he looks worried. “The department will find another project for us to work on.”
“Easy for you to say,” Kevin snaps. “You’re a first-year. I’m graduating in the spring. Do you have any idea how much this screws things up for me?”
I hold up a hand. “Can someone tell me what’s going on?”
“Dr. Chase quit today.”
All of the air seems to go out of the room, a weird rushing sound filling my ears. “What?”
“He didn’t quit,” Kim says. “He went on leave.”
“Same fucking difference,” Kevin mutters. “The point is that we’re fucked.”
I can barely wrap my mind around what they’re saying. Nate went on leave? Why in the hell would he do that?
The thought hits me so hard my knees go weak. What if someone found out about us? What if the rumors Mason mentioned had reached the wrong ears? What if this leave wasn’t voluntary?
I let my eyes scan the group, arguing about what’s going to happen to our internships now. I don’t detect any sideways glances or curiosity from any of them. If there are rumors about me and Nate, it doesn’t look like they’ve gotten back to my classmates yet.
“I’m going to get drunk,” Kevin says. “You want to come with?”
“It’s nine a.m.,” I point out.
His scowl only grows. “Then I’ll get a head start.”
I can’t blame him for being so upset. This was a prized internship, a chance to work with a nationally best-selling author on research that will likely one day make it into one of his books.
The other positions have long since been filled.
I’m sure the administration will figure something out, particularly for the second-year students nearing graduation, but it’s hard to imagine finding a project as worthwhile or impressive as this one.
“A strong Bloody Mary sounds appropriate right now,” Kim says glumly. George agrees and they move to pack up their things, dejection heavy in the air.
“You coming?” he asks.
“Probably shouldn’t,” I tell him, my mind spinning. I have no idea what’s going on, but I need to talk to Nate. “Just getting over being sick, you know.”
I wish them all a hurried good luck, managing to walk calmly from the room. I make it around the corner before I take off running. If there’s a chance Nate is still on campus, I need to find him. Now.