Chapter 44 What Goes Around
Chapter 44
What Goes Around
Brandon
I never sleep the night before I have a big match. It turns out, I can’t sleep the night before Parker has a big match either. By 3am, I’m standing outside his place.
He’s waiting for me. We hadn’t planned on meeting. But we know each other. He lets me in without a word. Leads me to his bedroom.
There’s so much I want to tell him; but this isn’t about what I want to say, it’s about what he needs to know. In every touch, in every kiss. That even though I can’t be there tomorrow, I believe in him.
That even though he might not come back the same, I’ll be here anyway. Because all that matters is that he comes back at all.
****
“Don’t people usually buy the engagement ring before the actual proposal?” I ask, as Freddie and I arrive at the jewellery store. “Not that I mind being dragged back to the scene of my life-changing accident. This isn’t traumatic at all”.
“Taking you back to the scene would be dragging you onto the pitch. This is just the same town”, Freddie flew in from Europe last night, and wasted no time in hitting me up for an urgent shopping excursion, “And you very much invited yourself”.
“You practically begged me to come”. It’s not being back in Bears-country that I mind, it’s that word on the grapevine is the scouts are visiting their soccer ground today. It still stings they cancelled coming to Summit.
No matter how much I suck.
Freddie ignores me, his eyes scanning the trays of sparkly rings intently. I gotta be honest; jewellery isn’t really my thing. Nor is shopping. But anything to get my mind off Parker.
The store is deserted, apart from a bored-looking girl flicking through a magazine behind the counter. She smiles as I wander by, following Freddie as he inspects the rows of rings below the counter. “I had a stunt ring for the proposal but I need the real thing. We’re getting married right after graduation”.
That’s a year away. Which feels…fast.
“You guys are pretty young”. I venture. “What’s the rush?”
“Sabrina’s not pregnant, if that’s what you were wondering”. I blush. “Do you think I’m moving too quickly?”
The answer is written all over my face. Freddie sighs. “It’s as simple as this: I can’t imagine my life without her. We want to be together. We fit. She’s so far out of my league it’s like she’s in another galaxy, but she doesn’t make me feel like it. Does that make sense?”
My mind drifts back to Parker. Yeah . It makes sense.
T-minus 6 hours until his fight. Not being there is killing me. But I’d never forgive myself if my presence distracted him at a crucial moment. Like when someone tries to rip his head off.
My phone is heavy in my pocket. My last attempt at a message lurks helplessly in my drafts folder.
Good luck for tonight! Too casual.
Thinking of you . Too clinical.
I miss you . Too passively aggressively guilt-trippy.
“If I'd have known it was this easy to shut you up, I’d have proposed a long time ago”. Freddie nudges me. “What’s on your mind?”
“You haven’t told me about the tour”. I artful-dodger my way out of a conversation I don’t want to have, “Proposal aside, what else did I miss?” Freddie starts telling me about a nailbiter that took place in Belgium, and my mind drifts helplessly back to Parker.
This thing we’re doing to we protect each other from getting hurt really actually fucking hurts all by itself, don’t you think?
That’s the one I keep coming back to. Because it’s true. Even though I understand where his coach is coming from, a part of me wishes he’d say he didn’t care about being seen with me. Or people knowing about us. And I’d say the same. Even though secretly I’m scared too.
I tune back into Freddie’s commentary to find we’re now in Finland. “Sounds like you had a killer time”.
“We did”, Freddie pauses, “Is Summit everything you thought it would be?”
The memory of Parker crashing up against me races through my mind. Our kiss in the rain. My bedroom by moonlight. The fleeting taste of him on my lips. “Not exactly”.
Freddie stares at me. “That’s all I get? You’ve been yapping about Summit for as long as I’ve known you”.
“I’ve been talking about playing around Europe too”. I fail in keeping my tone light. “Don’t remember getting a postcard from the other side of the Pacific”.
“Atlantic”.
“Whatever”. The knot in my stomach unravels. “Did you guys hear… anything about me? Like, online. Or something”.
He doesn’t reply. The crushing feeling in my stomach hums in a I-told-you-so kind of way. “Okay. I guess this was inevitable. Is that why there’s been radio silence since you all got back?”
“I knew this would happen. You’re in your head about the secret fucking group chat”, Freddie says, exasperated. “You can blame me. I knew you’d feel bad about missing out on the tour, and I didn’t want to rub your face in it by exposing you to the team’s daily banter. Unmissable as it was”.
“By leaving me out of things altogether?”
“You don’t think the team felt left out that you spent your summer getting world class training whilst we’re schlepping around Europe staying in shitty hostels and playing on mud-soaked pitches?”
“That’s not the same”.
“You could have shared what you were learning with them. With me”. Freddie mutters. “I’ve got scouts interested too, you know. Soccer’s my dream as much as it is yours. I’ve got a trial this afternoon”.
Freddie got a trial? I’m part stoked, because he deserves it, and part bummed, because it’s just another sign that my time in soccer is coming to an end. “Congratulations”, I manage.
“Can I help?” The salesgirl has been doing an admirable job of pretending not to eavesdrop. She flashes another smile at me. “See something you like?”
“Could I take a look at those rings, please? The opal diamond”, Freddie gestures to the tray locked under the counter. “We stayed in town last year for Sabrina’s birthday. Her grandmother’s engagement ring was just like it”.
“I’m not supposed to take the rings out without security present”, she says apologetically. “And we’re about to close. Could you come back tomorrow?”
“Is there no chance at all?” Freddie’s shoulders droop in disappointment. “I’m only in town today. I had my heart set on it”.
“I’m really sorry. It’s the rules”.
I’m about to suggest that we leave, but then I remember the last time we were here, Freddie spent all night with me at the hospital making sure I was okay. Maybe I wasn’t as good a teammate as I thought, but I can still be a good friend.
I lean across the counter, looking her right in the eye.
“Any chance you could make an exception for a desperate fool in love, and his slightly-selfish-but-still-cute best friend?” I catch her nametag. “Jess? Beautiful name, by the way. My first girlfriend was called Jess”.
“Well…” she blushes.
“I’m Brandon. We were actually in town a few weeks ago. We play for the Wolves. This is my lovestruck friend Freddie”.
“Wait, I know you”. She snaps her fingers. “You guys won the championship. Hell of a game”.
“That’s us. I mean, more me , if we’re being honest”, I lean forward conspiratorially. “I scored the winner”.
Her eyes light up. “Wow, that’s amazing”.
“Thanks. Couldn’t have done it without Freddie. See, my buddy—a defender, so you probably wouldn’t recognise him—” Freddie narrows his eyes— “Just proposed and this ring has sentimental meaning to his fiancée”.
“That’s so sweet”.
“Unfortunately, given his less than glamourous position within the team, this could be his one and only chance to lock it down with his true love”. Her mouth curves into a smile, as she looks between us. “I totally get that two over-excited college guys showing up asking to see the fancy jewellery when you’re trying to close is probably more stress than you get paid for, but if there’s any way you could help us out, I’d really appreciate it”.
She makes a thoughtful noise with her tongue, then smiles. “I’ll call the manager and see if I can get the key”.
She sashays into a backroom and picks up the phone. Freddie nudges me sharply in the ribs. “Your doctor was right about the magical power of that bone structure”.
“I’m sorry, man”, I say in a rush. It kills me that without meaning to, I’ve hurt his feelings. “I should have been better. I’ll send you all the info I got from Summit. One of us should get something out of it, and it’s not going to be me. I think soccer and I are done”.
It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. The words turn to ash in the atmosphere.
Freddie frowns. “Do you really believe that?”
“That since my accident, I magically suck at soccer?” I force a cheerful smile, “It’s sad but true. The hype train has run off the rails”.
“Two other things happened at the same time as your accident, you know. The first has to do with that bullshit online. You didn’t mention that you’d been spending time with Parker”.
“He works at Summit. His cousin owns it”.
“Ah”. Freddie says. “So, you’ve been with him all summer? Including times that might have preceded a certain late night SOS phone call?”
The back of my neck suddenly feels warm. “And…” he prompts.
“I can’t talk about it without betraying his privacy”. It’s not that I don’t trust Freddie, but Parker hasn’t even come out to his family yet. “I’m not avoiding. There’s different rules for boys like me”.
“Have you ever listened to Lainey Ellis's podcast?” I shake my head. “You should. The most recent episode. But for now, let’s talk in hypotheticals”, Freddie drums his fingers on the counter. “ Hypothetically you’ve been seeing someone that you can’t talk to your friends about. Let’s call him… Barker”.
“Jesus, and I cannot emphasise this enough, Christ ”.
“You’ve been in love with him ever since I’ve known you”, Freddie says softly.
“Which has nothing to do with my sudden inability to kick a ball properly”.
“But the second thing might. Let’s stick with Barker for now”.
“We’re in love. But I don’t want to mess things up for him. He took me to our secret spot and somehow pictures of us still got out there. Some loser in a Mustang”. I swallow. “It’s his first ever MMA fight today and I’m not there”.
“Which brings me to the second thing”, Freddie takes a deep breath. “Brad Fleming retired”.
I stop. “What does that have to do with me?”
“I know you looked up to him”, Freddie says seriously. “But his experience won’t be yours. It’s a different league. A different team. And you’re a different player”.
“You don’t know what they’ll do to me”. It’s out of my mouth before I can stop it. "If I come out".
“I know what they already do to you. We’re on the same pitch, dumbass. I hear the chants, the jibes, all aimed at you because of your mom and dad. You still show up. You still win”.
I count off on my fingers. “Micky Holloway. First openly gay player in British football. Projected to be in the country’s starting eleven for the Euros until he did one too many interviews talking about what it meant to be a gay pioneer. He had a bad match, got benched, and was sold overseas before the end of the season”.
“That’s him. That’s not you”.
“Colton Piper. Came out after scoring the winning goal in the all-star league. His merchandise dropped through the floor. He had to close his social media. He was booed on the pitch by his own fucking fans , Freddie”.
“I get it!” Freddie looks just as distressed as I do. He lowers his voice. “But for the first time in your life, you’re open to the possibility of letting someone actually love you, and you’re going to keep it secret? Because of what people might say about it ?”
I open my mouth, but he continues. “This block with your game? Tell me it’s not because deep down you’re hoping that if you don’t make it as a soccer player, then you get to be non-famous and can live a normal life with Parker”.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out.
“You’re in luck!” Jess reappears brightly. She looks between the two of us. “Special dispensation from the boss. He’s a fan”, she adds to me. I swallow, forcing a smile, as she takes out the ring and hands it to Freddie.
He gazes at it, turning it over in his hands. Something warm reaches out and touches my heart. Could this be me one day? Buying an engagement ring. Being half of a whole. Knowing that someone won’t walk away. I look at Freddie, and the sudden bulge in his throat. “I’m really getting married”, he murmurs.
“We’ll take it”, I say to Jess. I reach out and grab his shoulder. “Congratulations, my brother. I’m very, very happy for you”.
He grabs me and pulls me into a hug. “You have me. Reuben. Billy. The team. They all know. They don’t care”, Freddie says fiercely. “You understand? You’re stuck with us, Carter. We’ve got your back”.
I will not cry in public. I will not.
“So”, Jess says conversationally, as Freddie takes out his credit card to pay. “In honour of your buddy’s new engagement, how about the three of us get a drink to celebrate?”
“I’ve got a soccer trial”, Freddie says apologetically. He glances at me. Her meaning couldn’t be clearer.
“You got a trial too?” I shake my head, ignoring the sinking feeling in my stomach. “Excellent. Let’s get a drink. Just us”.
“I’m flattered”, I smile, “But I…”
“Let me guess. Girlfriend?”
“Boyfriend, actually”, I say suddenly. There’s a ringing in my ear, that grows softer as I carry on talking, “I’m gay. But very flattered”.
“Figures. The hot ones always are”.
Freddie’s hand closes around my shoulder. “Atta boy”. His eyes dart towards the window. His lips part suddenly. “Wait. That Mustang you mentioned? It wasn’t red, by any chance?”
I look up in surprise. “How’d you know?”
“Because there’s one just like it parked across the street”. Freddie squints, then recoils in shock. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Is that who I think it is?” I cross over to join him, and stop in surprise.
“Dmitry Volchok”, I finish.
* * * *
“Get the fuck off me”, Volchok snarls, as I pin him against the wall next to his training ground. Freddie stands between us, blocking the view from reception. My reputation with the scouts is precarious enough, without them witnessing me getting into a fight at try-outs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”.
“The hell you don’t”, I push my face against his, “I recognise your car, Volchok. You followed me, took pictures, and posted them. Do you really dislike me that much that you’d go out of your way to fuck up my whole life?”
“ Dislike you?” Volchok almost laughs, “Are you kidding? I hate you, Carter”.
“You barely know me”. I say, incredulously. Volchok and I have had a rivalry, sure, but it’s never been that serious. For me, anyway.
“I know your stupid fucking reckless game playing got us both injured”. I blink. “Oh, you didn’t think about that? Big surprise. You weren’t actually the only one who got hurt!”
“That was an accident. I’m the one who came off worse”.
“Yes, it looks like it”, Volchok snaps back. “An all-expenses trip to the country’s premier training facility. My heart bleeds. Meanwhile some of us miss a summer’s worth of coaching due to bullshit concussion protocols, not to mention a wave of online abuse from your insane fan-club”.
“Online abuse?” Fan-club?
He jams his phone in my face. “The army of Carter-lovers—Cartels, if you can believe it—who think I’m responsible for their pretty-boy crush becoming roadkill. You think I like waking up to see your psychotic stans flooding my DMs, Carter?”
I catch a glimpse of wolf-shaped emojis, followed by some NSFW language. Even though it’s not aimed at me, my stomach still drops. Volchok’s DMs looks a lot like mine before I made it private.
“I kept my mouth shut. Got on with recovery. But then I find out, not only do I lose my place at Summit, but you took it instead. Worse still, my fucking team are paying for half of it!” My jaw drops. “You’ve got no idea what it’s like for those of us who aren’t Brandon Carter”.
“And you don’t know what it’s like for the one of us that is. But I’m sorry about Summit. I didn’t know you were meant to be going too”.
“It’s all political”, Volchok sniffs. “I stay at school and make nice for the scouts. You keep your mouth shut”.
“It’s not an excuse for what you did”. Freddie says protectively. “You outed him”.
“How did you even know I’d be there, anyway?” I ask. “Were you stalking me all summer?”
“Was I stalking you—” Volchok repeats in disbelief. “No, Carter, I wasn’t stalking you. Someone reached out to me online. Said that if I wanted to get my own back all I needed to do was to show up at your house on a specific date and follow you”.
“Doesn’t sound like you needed a lot of convincing”.
“I didn’t”, Volchok shakes his head. “They told me that you were on something. To help your game. Like, performance-enhancing drugs. That you met your dealer in your hometown. I figured I’d follow you, see if it was true. I didn’t even realise what I was taking pictures of until it was too late”. He scowls. “My sister’s gay. I’d never intentionally do that to anyone. Not even you”.
“How did it happen then?” Freddie asks. I can tell from his tone that he’s having a hard time believing Volchok.
“Damned if I know. I go and meet this guy, tell him that you’re clean. He says he’ll give me $3000 cash in exchange for the pictures”.
“What guy?” I ask, but I’ve got a crushing feeling I already know the answer. Winston Deville was the only person who knew I was coming home. And the only person who had a reason to fire a warning shot to keep me in line.
“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry”, Volchok says, shortly. “I thought you were a cheat”.
“I’m sure the $3000 helps you sleep at night”.
“It barely covered the bills for my x-rays”. Volchok shrugs. “Not everyone has Senator-level insurance”. Freddie and I share a glance, as my stomach twists. I’d never given much of a thought to how the accident could have impacted Volchok. I’d only ever seen him as a threat. “I’ve got mutuals with your boyfriend. He’s got an MMA fight coming up right?”
I glance at my watch. “Five hours and counting”.
“It’s tonight?” Dmitry looks between Freddie and me, in genuine confusion. “Summit is nearly three hours away. Why aren’t you there?”
“Dmitry, we’re ready for you”, A man with a clipboard and whistle pops his head around the corner. I recognise him immediately as one of the scouts who used to come and see me play in high school. Michael something. “Which one of you is Freddie Dyer?”
“That’s me, sir”, Freddie shakes his hand. “I’m up after Volchok”.
“Great stuff”, Michael says. He looks at me, his eyebrows raising in recognition. “And, sorry, it’s Carter, isn’t it? Brandon Carter”.
“That’s right, sir”.
“I’m sorry, Brandon. For some reason, you’re not on my list”. Michael flicks through pages. “Let me check with our admin team”.
Freddie comes to stand by my side. I clear my throat. “You were due to see me at Summit”. Michael’s eyes widen with recognition. “But recent events might have made that difficult for you, or me a less desirable prospect. I don’t know. Either way, Summit’s where I’ll be if you change your mind. And I’d encourage you to do that, because I am good. Very good. Almost as good as these two”, I nod toward Volchok and Freddie.
I shake Michael’s hand, and turn to Freddie. “I need to get back to Summit. To Parker. You’re going to crush this, okay?”
“I’ll say it again”, Freddie beams. “Atta. Freaking. Boy”.