19. Buttermilk Chicken
19
BUTTERMILK CHICKEN
Sarah
It felt good to take my make-up off, get out of my bra, and slump back in my sweats with a bottle of wine, a tub of Ooey-Gooey-Choco-Lava ice cream, and a classic movie.
As I settled in and turned on the TV, the news flashed on the screen and there he was. Not exactly in all his glory, but instead being dragged into a cop car.
Hayden Raynor . So that’s where you went tonight.
“…Hayden ‘the Hellraiser’ Raynor was taken into custody for an alleged violent assault in Merryville this afternoon. Details are still coming in but the captain of the Ice-Hawks was caught on film by bystanders, just two days before the Mayor’s Ball here in Merryville, where he was widely tipped to receive his MVP award from the Mayor himself… ”
That was enough of Hayden for me tonight. Or for forever. I flicked over to the movie and settled in for a nice ten minutes, before a pounding on my door made me jump like hell. I wasn’t in the mood for annoyed neighbors, unexpected guests, or mob hitmen right now. Who in the hell would it be at this time, anyway? The door strained under another round of thumping.
Throwing open the door, ready to yell at whoever was treating it as a punchbag at this time of night, there he was, filling up my entire doorframe. The dream. The nightmare. Hayden Raynor. I went to throw the door closed again, and one of his large paws reached out and stopped it.
“Hey! Wait, Sarah, please.”
As I scowled at him for the intrusion, the way he’d made me feel again , the audacity of showing up here, I looked down at his hands and frowned, “Is that?”
“Um… Jax’s milk butter chicken sandwich, curly kale fries, and a caramel dreams shake. Also threw in a mega-chicken-bucket just in case,” he looked up at me earnestly, “I got it right, didn’t I?”
Huh, so he actually did listen that night.
It would take a lot more than Jax’s chicken to win me over, but there was this look in his eyes, like he was desperate to make it right, to change my thoughts on him. I felt my heart beat harder in my chest and was annoyed at it. I didn’t want to feel anything for him.
“So, look…”
“Yeah, you got yourself arrested. After I was waiting for… Well, I waited long enough for you! Then I found out on the fucking news, Hayden.”
As I wavered, he looked past me and saw the frozen image of Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston on the screen.
“The Bodyguard!”
“Oh!” I blushed, feeling judged.
“I love that movie!”
I couldn’t tell if he was teasing me, until I saw his bright, excited eyes. Oh my God . He actually loves that movie …
I sighed. There was something about him that stopped me wanting to tell him off. I was too tired to be mad. I’d already been mad at him for hours before he’d unexpectedly turned up at my door, and it was exhausting.
“Well, gee! I guess come in then,” I told him with a heavy dose of sarcasm and extended my arm to the apartment.
Hayden
Watching Kevin Costner trying to handle Whitney’s shit, while chowing down on Jax’s chicken (she was right, it was good!) and sipping chilled rosé, was about as good as an evening as I could have imagined. Why didn’t everyone want to do this? All I got asked to do was to take people to some pretentious new club, a boring restaurant opening, or anywhere that celebrities might hang out. No one ever wanted to do this .
I looked over to check Sarah’s expression, hoping she still wasn’t quite so mad at me, but she was transfixed by the movie, her fingers moving food from the bucket to her mouth as if they were operating on another level.
She actually looked great without make-up. Those soft wrinkles around her eyes when she smiled were adorable. I leaned over to top up our wine glasses and sat back comfortably.
And you’re ready to die for me?
It’s the job.
And you’d do it. Why?
I can’t sing.
Her lips curled in delight at those lines. Sarah noticed me looking and turned to me. I gave her a timid smile, hoping that she was at least enjoying this, despite everything. Hell, if I didn’t feel so bad about letting her down, I was enjoying it, too. The rosé was slipping down nicely, making me feel warm and fuzzy. Those dimples in her cheeks when she moved her lips were really something. We both turned back to the movie.
What are you afraid of?
I’m afraid of not being there.
Sarah’s hand went for the bucket, with mine already deep in there and, as we brushed each other’s skin, something electric sparkled inside. The sensation sent a flickering rush of wild emotions that my brain had not anticipated, and neither of us moved our hands away. For a fleeting moment, they found each other and delighted in the touch before we pulled them away. It was odd afterward. Like my hand missed hers, and I wanted it to come back.
This time, I caught Sarah looking at me with an amused look on her face.
“What?” I asked.
“Hayden Raynor, drinking rosé and watching The Bodyguard. It’s a surprise.”
“Uh-huh,” I said, fixing my eyes on the screen and feeling embarrassed, “Just don’t tell anyone, okay?”
She laughed. “I’m not sure anyone would believe me.”
Damn. Who laughs like that? There was no malice or upmanship. No game. It was just sweet and uplifting.
“So, what the hell happened tonight, Hayden?”
I sighed. For a blissful moment, I’d forgotten about the police, about Cara, Dana, and Locklear.
“It’s just been a day. Look, Sarah, I’m really sorry you got caught up in it all. There’s a lot going on.”
She eyed me suspiciously, waiting to see if I’d continue. Something about her, or maybe it was the gas station rosé, made me want to tell her everything. I’ll be the first to admit I’m guarded, but in my position, I have to be. Loose lips tend to come back to haunt me. That much I’d learned from Cara. Sarah was different, though. I didn’t just know it, I could feel it.
“So, Maiden’s mom turned up this afternoon. She always puts me on edge. Then I have to see this therapist, and between them both pushing my buttons, I just… Well, you saw, huh?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t the best look, to be honest. And you stood me up! So, y’know, it’s hard to be sympathetic.”
I nodded ruefully. She was right. Thing is, I was the one who was used to being let down, but now it was me doing it to this lovely woman who didn’t deserve any of it. I wanted to look at her again. Why did I want to look at her again so badly?
After a moment of silence, she changed the topic.
“So, you always wanted to be a hockey player?”
I was relieved to move on from my failings as an absolute ass-biscuit, “Sure. I mean, look at me, I was built for it.”
I held up my forearm and flexed it for playful effect. But she didn’t smile. Instead, her eyes just seemed to shine as she watched my bicep swell, before she snatched her look away.
Both our cheeks reddened, as if our inner thoughts might have been exposed, and we turned back to the movie. She didn’t look at me as she asked the next question.
“Do you have a… Girlfriend, or a lover, or someone Hayden?”
“That never really works out for me.”
“What does that mean?”
“Women come into our lives and make everything worse.”
“Maybe it’s just your choice in women, Hayden?”
Fuck. I loved it when she looked at me. Those crinkles at the edge of her beautiful eyes made the world suddenly feel soft and light and perfect.
“Could be,” I smiled back.
“What about Joyce, though? How does she fit into all this?”
I’d never told anyone too much about Joyce. It didn’t feel right to share her story. It was her story, after all. It certainly wasn’t something I was going to tell any of the guys or Cara about.
“Joyce is a saint, really. She was in a tough spot when we met. Hell, we both were. I mean, you should try dating Cara. She’s not about to win any ‘Mom Of The Year’ awards.”
“Yeah, I think I’ll pass, but thanks for the heads up.”
“Well, anyway, we helped each other out and she keeps me and Maiden on track. I guess she’s the closest thing to a mom he has.”
“And the closest thing you have to a wife?”
I hadn’t really thought of it that way, but she was right. Joyce was our surrogate mother and wife, without being either.
“We’re not together. Y’know, like that .”
I felt like I had to make it clear and she nodded her understanding. God, it felt good to talk about stuff with her. Not like with Dana, certainly not with my teammates, or even worse, Cara. Jimmy was great, but we’re guys. There’s a line there that you only step over when you’re about to break. And even then, you hate yourself a little bit afterward for being soft and vulnerable.
“How about you anyway?” I asked.
“Hah!” she threw back.
“Okay… So, is that a no, then?”
A sad expression came across her face and I just wanted to put my hand on her chin, lift her head, turn it toward me, and look into those eyes to see everything behind them.
“Maybe I’ve just been waiting for you, Hayden.”
She said it as a joke, but it came across differently. Something in her tone revealed more depth and meaning to it. We looked at each other, our eyes translating messages to our brains, a spark between us seeming to lock us together.
“Oh, wait! Here we go!” She exclaimed, spilling some of her wine in excitement.
I took a breath. There was no avoiding it. It was going to happen. We both took a last exhilarated and knowing look at each other, and then we came together in imperfect harmony…
“And IIIIIIIII ye-iiiiiiiiii will alwayyyyyyyssss lurve yoooooo”
We collapsed back as the credits rolled, tears in our eyes and then laughter on our lips as we saw each other’s reaction.
“Ugh, I love that movie.”
Sarah gathered up the takeaway boxes, and I picked up the empty glasses and carried them into the kitchen. Just being next to her as I placed them down on the counter made my blood fizz. Some strange energy, like a magnetic force of nature that drew me to her. I don’t know why I did it, I just wanted to. I put my hand softly on top of hers and our eyes darkened as we looked at each other.
Her lips were so perfect up close. I just wanted to taste them with my own, to feel her breath meet mine. Sarah looked up at me, wide-eyed and expectant, willing the moment onward. God, when was the last time I had felt like this? Soft and vulnerable. I took a chance and leaned in .
Sarah
My heart was pounding as he leaned in. My body desperate for him to kiss me and let my feelings fly. As his shadow covered me, I felt my insides flutter in anticipation. His hands gripped their way around me, holding me as a rush of wild excitement took me. Then, all of a sudden, the panic set in and I pulled my lips away from his.
He moved his head to try and meet me but I beat at his chest, his hands holding me so tightly I couldn’t move them.
“Get off me! Let me go!”
“I’m not letting go,” he said in an animal growl, “Until you kiss me.”
I stopped trying to fight him. It was exhausting and pointless with his frame that was built for strength, his huge hands holding me like clamps, making me feel tiny as I looked up at the rush of thick hair across his chin. His piercing eyes stared down at me, wild and crazy with something… And that something was me.
Hayden leaned in again until his face was so close that it began to blur as his lips went in search of mine. His scent as he descended on me made me tremble, a deep animal musk that made me heady with excitement. His thick hands held me steady, my skin delighting at the touch and my body thankful for his grip, because otherwise I might have fallen under my weak legs. All I could see, all I could feel, all I could breathe, was him .
Inside, I melted. This was the moment I’d waited for, maybe all my life, but… The things he did, who he was… He couldn’t be trusted. It was glaringly obvious that this would all end in heartbreak again, and I was sleepwalking right into it .
“Stop!” I commanded. Putting my hand with force against the steel of his chest. “No, Hayden, let me go.”
He paused with confusion, before his forceful grip relaxed on my arms. I knew there would be bruises where his hands had held me so firmly. Delicious bruises that I would look at later and hate myself for this moment. That was it, Sarah, that was your chance…
We stared at each other, our eyes having their own private conversation, pleading with each other… Do you mean it? You don’t want… This?
His gaze softened as he saw the decision had been made and was final, and the magic began to leave us. Hayden regained some of his composure before reluctantly releasing me. Then his eyes broke from mine and he sighed a long, slow, sad sigh that made me want to change my mind instantly, to soothe and heal him, to take him back to being wild and lost in the moment again.
Now it was just awkward. What words were there? There was nothing to be said that didn’t sound uncomfortable.
Finally, feeling stupid and angry at myself, I rubbed my arms and blurted out, “I think you should go.”
Hayden nodded without looking back up at me. Had I just broken this giant man’s heart? Maybe just a little.
He stepped back, his vast shadow leaving me as I slipped off to the side, taking a last look at him before I turned and walked away from my dreams, angry tears rising in my eyes as I opened the door for him to leave.