24. The Insecurity
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
THE INSECURITY
Malakai
“Let me tell you, a paddle in the right hands is practically a truth serum.”
I smirk as I sip my whiskey. Orion is recounting some salacious detail between him and Layla, our stepsister and his girlfriend. Letting the whiskey settle against my tongue, I savor the burn before swallowing.
It’s been a week since I spent the night at Ashford Palace, and since then, I haven’t seen Julian or Sophie. It’s not for lack of trying—Sophie was busy getting the keys to the retail space, and Julian was out of town until returning late last night. We’d all been texting, and we had plans to hang out tomorrow night at their house. No pressure, but I knew what I wanted to happen.
Orion leans back in his chair, a smug glint in his eye.
Miles, who is seated across from us, snorts as he sips his whiskey. “Paddling? I dunno, I don’t really understand the whole punishment thing. I’d rather just skip to the fun part,” he adds, swirling his drink idly as his lips curve into a wry smile.
“That is the fun part,” Orion says, rolling his eyes. “The buildup, the tension, the sweet satisfaction of breaking her resolve…”
“That’s all you, bro. I don’t need Stella to beg for it,” he adds, his lips form a cocky grin.
Chase huffs a laugh next to me, nearly choking on his red wine. “That’s a shame. You don’t know what you’re missing,” he adds, wiggling his brows at Orion as they high-five each other.
Liam clears his throat from his place at the end of the table. “You know, I think I’m with Miles on this one. I don’t like punishment. Pleasure can be just as potent as pain if you know what you’re doing. No rules or games. Just pure, unfiltered indulgence.” He takes a swig of his beer as he leans back.
“Is that what you tell yourself?” Orion asks, his smirk sharpening.
I chuckle under my breath, setting my glass on the table in front of me. “I think we all know that Liam’s idea of control is letting Zoe make him think he’s in control.”
Liam chuckles, completely unbothered as the eldest brother. He’s used to our teasing and camaraderie.
“Hey, it’s worked pretty well for me so far.”
“Amateurs,” Orion mutters, sharing a look with Chase. Miles lifts his glass to Liam and they clink their drinks together in a mock toast.
After that, the banter flows easily. Chase and his wife, Juliet, are in town for the week, visiting from Northern California. We always attempt to get together often, and I see Miles, Liam, and Orion often enough. They all live in Crestwood, like me. But whenever Chase is here, we try to make more of an effort to spend time as brothers. Tonight, we’re at one of Orion’s bars in downtown Crestwood.
As per usual, I stay quiet and observe as my brothers continue discussing every facet of their respective kinks.
“What about Kai?” Chase asks. “He’s been awfully quiet over there. Where do you land on the pain versus pleasure spectrum?”
Both , I think.
I glance over at Orion—the only brother who knows what and who I’m into, because he’s seen me around Inferno. It’s not that I don’t want to tell them. Hell, they’re my brothers, and out of everyone, they’d understand more than anyone. But for me, kink is so personal and something I’ve always held close to my heart. Not out of shame, but because it feels like a language only I know how to speak. Especially the religious aspects… only someone in the church could understand.
And my brothers are most definitely not religious.
They would never judge me, but I know that sharing would mean unraveling something that’s always been mine. It’s tied to the church, and to that part of my life—something I’ve always held at arm’s length from them.
And though I’ve evolved from a pious eighteen-year-old reciting scripture to a mid-thirties pastor who got off on the same aspects that once made me kneel before an altar, it’s still the one thing I have for myself.
Being a middle brother meant I didn’t get a lot of things to myself.
In a large family like ours, where every action and choice was scrutinized by our father, it was hard to find something that belonged solely to me.
My kink is a quiet sanctuary for whenever the world gets too loud. I don’t intend to keep it hidden, but I suppose I want to preserve the intimacy of it. Being a Dominant anchors me. Especially when the rest of my life sort of feels like it’s spinning out of control—especially in the last few weeks.
I catch Orion’s subtle nod, a silent reassurance that he gets it, and that he won’t say anything.
“What about me?” I ask, leaning back and pinning my younger brother with a hard look.
Chase grins, the fucker. It’s as if he expects some sort of revelation to fall from my lips, but instead I let the silence stretch. Might as well make him squirm.
“There’s not much to tell,” I say quickly.
“Not much?” he goads, eyes twinkling.
“I mean, I guess there’s one thing,” I say slowly, reaching for my whiskey.
Looking down at the amber liquid, I clear my throat. I haven’t come out to them as bisexual, because I truly didn’t know I was—or couldn’t admit I was—until very recently. But I told myself the first step would be saying it out loud, and my brothers are the first people I’d tell anyway. I know, without a doubt, I already have their support.
I can feel the eyes of all of my brothers on me, and I guess it’s now or never, right?
“Well?” Miles asks, frowning.
Though, when my eyes dart over to my older brother, he winks at me, as if he already knows. And being the most observant brother, it’s possible he does.
“Don’t get too excited. It’s not as sordid as your stories,” I warn, glaring at Chase. Exhaling slowly, I set my glass down without taking a sip. “I’ve been spending time with Julian and Sophie.”
When I glance around the table, I realize they’re all waiting. Expectant. My lips twitch as I attempt to suppress a laugh.
“By spending time, I mean…” I rub the back of my neck, suddenly uncomfortable with labeling whatever it is the three of us are doing together.
“Go on,” Chase says, daring me to continue.
“It’s complicated,” I admit, choosing my words carefully. “It started with me helping around the house, and then I realized I had feelings for both of them. I like being around them. And now that Julian’s forgiven me for kissing him all those years ago?—”
“I knew it,” Liam says quickly, slapping the table. He points at Miles. “You owe me twenty bucks.”
I look between my older brothers. “You took bets?” I growl, glaring at them.
“I’m just insulted I wasn’t involved,” Orion mutters, looking at Chase. They both scoff.
“You were both minors at the time,” Liam says defensively, his smile wide. “And you were, like, twelve,” he adds, glancing at Orion. “It was a bet between adults.”
“Don’t feel too bad,” Miles says, chuckling. “Zoe wasn’t even born yet when we made the bet.”
Liam lets out a long, frustrated breath. “I suppose I walked into that one, didn’t I?”
As much as I want to be annoyed, I can’t help but laugh at Miles making fun of Liam’s age gap with his wife.
“So when you say Julian and Sophie… do you mean both of them?” Liam asks, his voice curious, but not judgmental. If there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s not judging us.
I nod. “Both of them.” Taking a deep breath, I shrug. “I’m bisexual. And I think I always have been without realizing it. Or, without wanting to say it out loud.”
My brothers are quiet as they take in the information, and for a fraction of a second, I panic. After all, as far as I know, they’re all straight. I’ve always felt a bit like an outsider, thanks to my unusual job, and this information could possibly only drive that wedge between us deeper. The table is quiet for a beat, and then Miles is the first to speak, a slow grin spreading across his face.
“So, you’re into them as a couple? How, exactly, does that work?”
I roll my eyes. “Exactly how it would work with a single person. We hang out. We do… other things,” I add, thinking of Sophie on the pool deck last week.
“How did it happen?” Chase asks, leaning forward. “Like… did they approach you?”
I look between all of my brothers. “No comment about me being bi?”
They all give me blank stares, all of them shaking their head, and I huff a laugh as my nerves dissolve into nothing. Of course they wouldn’t care. I might as well have told them my hair was brown.
“Sort of,” I say slowly. “But for the most part, it just happened. None of us expected nor sought it out. Who knows where it’ll go, but…” I take a sip of my whiskey, swallowing my second drink clear down before continuing. “I’m excited about the possibilities.”
Liam holds his beer up. “I think I speak for all of us when I say we’re all dying to know how this plays out.”
We all laugh, and I relax back into my seat. “No pressure or anything,” I say dryly.
The conversation shifts after that, and the heavy weight of my confession dissipates as my brothers revert back to their usual joking and storytelling.
I know my brothers, though—they’ll circle back to this.
Probably sooner than I’d like.
Miles, especially. He loves to meddle.
Truthfully, though, I don’t mind. We lost our father earlier this year, and our mother passed away almost a decade ago. We’re all we have left of family, and I’m grateful we’ve only gotten closer over the last few years in the midst of them all settling down with their significant others.
Just after ten, I’m on my fourth drink and feeling a bit more willing to be open. Liam and Miles leave, and shortly after, Juliet comes into the bar to pick Chase up, nuzzling into his chest as they walk out together. I miss having them close, but I also know they’re happy up north.
Orion swirls the sparkling water in his glass, watching me with interest before drinking the rest of it. It’s just the two of us now, and though I know I should get home soon, I’m also looking forward to being completely open with him since he knows the situation.
“So,” he says, setting his empty glass down. “Feel better after your confession?”
I shrug, leaning back in the booth. “Yeah. But I didn’t expect you guys to give me a hard time about it.”
Orion is quiet for a few seconds. “Is Sophie still a hotwife? You know, now that you’re involved?”
It takes a second for his words to sink in. “I suppose not. I mean… we’re not exclusive, but I don’t think they’d do anything like that without asking me how I felt about it.”
Nodding, Orion gives me a pointed look. “And how do you feel about it? About her sleeping with other men?”
My jaw rolls, and I look down at my clasped hands as I imagine Sophie and Julian with another man involved. Even though I know Julian never got physical with them, it still irks me for some reason.
It makes me feel jealous.
She’s mine, and so is he.
“Have you done any research? Julian and Sophie are what we call a stag and vixen in the lifestyle. It’s worth looking into. They have a reputation.”
“Are you warning me or just telling me to be cautious?” I ask, my brows knitting together. If anyone was going to educate me, it would be Orion. He’s a popular kink educator, so I know his advice is sound.
“Mostly just to be cautious. In their circles, you’re an outsider—what we refer to as a unicorn. With regards to polyamory, a unicorn is a person who is invited into a relationship with an existing couple. It can be problematic because the couple can make demands but the unicorn can’t do anything that could cause any inconvenience for the couple. In other instances, a unicorn is brought in to patch any problems the couple might have.”
My face is hot as I take a sip of the water I haven’t touched all night.
“A unicorn,” I repeat under my breath, rolling the word around like it doesn’t quite fit.
I hadn’t thought about it like that. Not until now. Orion’s not wrong—Julian and Sophie were established long before I ever came back into their lives. I’m the addition, the extra… the guest.
Is that what I am to them? Briefly closing my eyes, Julian’s words from the gym come back to me.
How does it feel to be used? Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it?
Without realizing it, Orion has somehow exposed my deepest insecurity about all of this. Because at the end of the day, they are an established couple. They’re married, and I’m an outsider.
Just like with my family.
Just like at my job.
I’ve always been someone on the outside, looking in, and I suppose I just have to hope that Julian’s apology and conviction last weekend about bringing me into their relationship was real.
Because it was.
I felt it.
I just can’t shake the feeling that at the end of the day, I’ll be the one left standing alone.
“You know, some unicorns end up taking over the castle. Don’t sell yourself short, Kai. They wouldn’t have invited you in if they didn’t already want more. It takes work from all parties.”
“I appreciate the cautionary advice,” I tell Orion, giving him a small smile.
“And just so you don’t think I’m trying to be negative, I really like them. Sophie and Julian. I hope it all works out for the three of you.”
“Thanks, little brother,” I say, giving him a fist bump.
“You okay to walk home?” he asks, standing. “I told Layla I’d meet her at Inferno . ”
I nod. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. But I don’t think I’m going home.”
We walk out together, and I wave goodbye to him as a warm breeze settles through the air. It’s crackling with energy, or maybe it’s just me and my nerves.
Pulling my phone out, I send a text to Sophie.
I know I shouldn’t need their reassurance. I tell myself I’m fine either way.
But I also know I won’t believe it until I hear Sophie’s voice.
Hey, can I come over?