34. The Freedom
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
THE FREEDOM
Sophie
When we get back to Ashford Palace, I’m not nearly as sleepy as I was when we left Inferno. Julian says good night to our driver, and the three of us go inside. I’m sore—and every step I take is a heavy, aching reminder of what we did tonight. Still, it was… incredible. And I want to do it a thousand more times. Lacing my fingers with Kai’s, I pull him into the foyer and set my handbag down.
“Shall I make us some pasta?” Julian asks, stepping out of his shoes.
“I’m starving,” Kai chimes in, looking down at me.
A full-body shiver works through me at his double entendre.
“I should go check on Snickers,” I tell Julian. “Barbara left early today.”
Barbara is someone I hired to help with most of the daily upkeep for my horse. And because I’ve been so busy with the shop, I haven’t had the chance to go see her today.
“No problem, pet. I’ll take care of making us a late dinner,” Julian says warmly.
“Do you want to come with me?” I ask Kai.
“I’d love to,” he says, squeezing my hand once.
“There, it’s settled. I’ll get us some much-needed sustenance and Kai can help you shovel shit.”
I bark a laugh. “Julian!”
He’s chuckling even as he walks into the kitchen, whistling a song I don’t recognize.
“There’s no shit,” I tell him, rolling my eyes. “I have someone who does all of that. I mostly just brush, ride, and feed Snickers. My favorite things.”
“Listen, little dove, I’d shovel shit all day if you were by my side.”
Giving him a shy smile, I shove his shoulder playfully with my free hand. Then I bend down to unzip my boots, stepping into my trainers instead.
“I like this look,” Kai says, gesturing to my plaid skirt and bare legs. “You look like a naughty student.”
“Is that so? I bet you love that, you dirty headmaster.”
This makes him laugh, and the sight of him laughing like this—of letting go—is addictive.
“Come on. Let’s go.”
I open the door and Kai follows me out into the cool night. One of the stipulations of buying this house was that we had to build a barn. I’ve always had horses—I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have my own horse, as posh as that sounds. And Snickers is special to me, because picking her out was the first time I remember defying my parents.
She was my first taste of freedom.
Kai is quiet as we walk around the side of the house and down a lit pathway now flanked by magnolia trees.
“My house growing up was called ‘Magnolia Estate.’ My parents aren’t part of the aristocracy like Julian, but we were definitely upper class. They called themselves driven, but I think they were merely ladder climbers, always on the outside waiting for an invitation inside. That’s why they brokered a deal with the Ashford family. Our marriage was informally arranged, meaning we were introduced with the expectation of furthering each family’s agenda. For the Ashfords, it meant a hefty dowry as well as a pretty wife for Julian. For my family, it meant that I would become a viscountess. Lady Sophia Grace Ashford.”
Kai hums in acknowledgment. “Your parents sound… interesting,” he says sarcastically.
I snort, stopping next to one of the baby magnolia trees I’d planted around the palace. I press my palm against the trunk, and look up at the large, blooming, white flowers.
“My mother always told me that magnolia trees represented nobility and purity. And that’s exactly how they raised me—not a hair out of place, not a word out of line. It wasn’t until we moved here that I learned magnolia trees also represent perseverance.”
It’s quiet, so quiet that the only sound is the faint rustle of magnolia leaves swaying in the breeze. For a moment, it feels like the world has shrunk down to just the two of us.
I glance sideways at Kai, catching the soft crease in his brow as he listens. He doesn’t interrupt, doesn’t press me to elaborate, but I can feel his attention wrapped around me.
I exhale, letting my fingers drift over the waxy petals of one of the magnolias. “Perseverance,” I repeat, tracing the outline of a flower with the tip of my finger. “I didn’t realize how much that word would mean to me until I left England.”
Kai watches me carefully, his head tilting slightly. “How so?”
I let out a quiet laugh, shaking my head as I brush my hair back over my shoulder. “Leaving felt like stepping off a perfectly laid path into… well, the wilderness. Everything was so clear-cut before. Marriage, titles, expectations—predictable. But here? Julian and I built this place with our own hands. It feels earned in a way nothing else in my life ever has.”
Kai’s gaze softens. He looks at the house behind us, the soft glow of light from the kitchen window spilling out over the lawn, and then back at the barn in the distance.
“It’s beautiful,” he says. “And it feels like you.”
I swallow against the sudden lump in my throat, caught off guard by how easily he seems to understand.
“It is,” I murmur. “I feel more like myself here. But sometimes…” I hesitate, the words hovering just on the edge of admission. “Sometimes I miss it. Not the life, but the little things. Silly things, really.”
Kai doesn’t look at me like it’s silly. His expression holds nothing but quiet patience.
“Like what?” he asks.
I step away from the magnolia tree, continuing toward the barn with him beside me. “Sunday roasts. The smell of mulled wine at Christmas markets, or even just the festive lights around my village at Christmastime. Watching football with my dad, even though I never really cared about it. The tiny village pubs that somehow still exist, even though they look like they’re about to collapse at any moment.”
I smile faintly, feeling the bittersweet pang of nostalgia settle low in my chest. “It’s not so much the place. It’s the memories. I guess I miss who I was when I was there. Or maybe… who I thought I was supposed to be.”
Kai doesn’t respond right away as he considers my words. “I get that. It’s strange, right? You leave, thinking you’re running toward freedom, but you end up carrying pieces of the past with you anyway.”
I glance up at him, and my curiosity gets the best of me. “Is that how it feels for you?”
His jaw tenses for a second before he answers. “Sometimes.” His eyes stay fixed on the barn ahead, but I see the trace of something deeper behind his expression. “Being estranged from my father for years before his death didn’t negate the memories. I still thought about him all the time—even now. Taking the job at Saint Helena a few years ago… I wanted to escape who I used to be. But there are days when I wonder if I’m just circling back to it, no matter how far I try to run.”
We slow as we reach the barn doors, and I turn to face him fully, reaching out to brush my fingertips lightly against his arm.
“It’s okay to change,” I say gently. “You’ve always been the kind of man who carries the weight of the people you love. Your brothers, for example. Your students, and the rest of the staff at Saint Helena. It means you care, Kai.”
His eyes meet mine, and for a long moment, he just looks at me, like he’s searching for something in my face that he isn’t sure he’ll find.
“Maybe,” he murmurs. But then his lips curve into the faintest smile, and the tension in his shoulders eases. “I think I’d like to see your home someday,” he adds quietly. “The village, the lights at Christmas… all of it.”
“Have you ever been to England?”
“Twice,” Kai answers, smiling down at me. “But only London.”
I huff a laugh. “London is fun. But one day, I’d love to take you to get you a proper chippy.”
“A what?” Kai asks, grinning now.
God, his smile is addicting.
“You lot call it fish and chips.”
“Ah, but chippy is so much cuter when you say it.”
I cackle as warmth spreads through me at the thought. The idea of Kai standing in the middle of my childhood village, snow falling around him, feels like something I never realized I wanted until now.
“I’d like that too,” I admit. His fingers brush against mine, a fleeting touch, but it lingers long after we continue walking.
We’re both quiet the rest of the two-minute walk to the barn. Once we get there, I open the door, and Snickers neighs loudly, her voice echoing in the stillness.
“She’s loud,” Kai comments, a faint smile tugging at his lips.
“She’s lonely,” I admit, running my hand over her mane. Guilt prickles at me as I say it out loud. Horses don’t live alone. They need companions, just like we do.
I glance at Kai and shrug, trying to keep my tone light. “It wasn’t supposed to be this way. When I brought her here, there was another horse. Ace.” I pause, my chest tightening. “But he passed away not long after we got here. Colic.”
Kai’s expression softens. “That’s rough. For both of you.”
“It was,” I say quietly, my fingers stroking Snickers’s neck. “She’s adjusted better than I have, honestly. I’ve been meaning to get her a friend—she deserves that—but I’ve been waiting for the right time. Or maybe I’ve just been putting it off because I feel like I failed her.”
Kai’s hand brushes mine, grounding me. “You haven’t failed her. You’re here. You’re taking care of her. That’s what matters.”
“Thank you.” Snickers neighs again, and I laugh. “She knows I have treats,” I say, stepping into the barn.
Snickers—a beautiful Holsteiner—leans her head over the stall door. Her big, brown eyes are bright with anticipation.
“Beautiful,” Kai says, reaching a careful hand out to pet her. Snickers huffs against his hand, but she’s gentle—and she accepts him immediately by rubbing her face against his open palm.
“She likes you,” I tell him, hanging on the barn door and smiling.
“How long have you had her?” Kai asks, smiling as Snickers continues to rub against him.
“I picked her out in Germany when I was twelve. My father wanted me to get something fancier, like an Arabian, but Snickers reminds me of a unicorn with her white coat.”
Kai goes still. “A unicorn?”
I laugh. “It’s silly.”
Kai’s eyes soften as he looks at me. “No, it’s cute. I love that.”
His words hang heavy between us, and I swallow thickly before looking back at Snickers. “Anyway, it was the first time I’d gone against my father’s wishes. He was strict—both my parents were, seeing as they were raising me to be a lady ,” I add, rolling my eyes. “So, it’s special to me that Snickers is here. With me. She’s happier—the warm air, the sunshine…” I trail off wistfully.
“And you?” Kai asks, brushing up against my side.
Looking up at him, I pull my lower lip between my teeth. “And me. Because I’m free now.”
Kai’s brow furrows slightly. “You mean… because of the hotwife stuff?” he asks, stepping away and brushing his nose with his hand.
I check Snickers’s water bucket first. It’s still half full, but I top it off anyway before fluffing the hay in the corner to make sure she has enough to last the night. The cool air feels steady in the barn, and I run a hand along her flank to check—neither too warm nor too cool. Satisfied, I give her a quick pat before moving to the next task.
“Yeah, that. I really do enjoy meeting the men Julian chooses. I love watching Julian’s reaction when they see me, and keeping it one night only makes it easy to carry on with our lives. I suppose doing it is freeing. I’m free from societal pressure, free from judgment, free to be and act however I want to.”
I pause, watching Snickers for a moment. I can feel Kai’s gaze lingering, his silence stretching out just a little too long.
When I glance over, his expression is hard to read, his lips pressed into a thin line.
“It’s like stepping into this version of myself that doesn’t have to apologize for taking up space—for being desired. There’s something powerful in that. Knowing I can be both soft and bold, both a wife and… something else. I get to reclaim parts of myself that the world tries to shame women for. It makes me feel powerful. In control. Beautiful ,” I add, blushing.
“You are,” Kai says, looking at me with that same guarded expression. “Beautiful, I mean. My heart nearly stopped that first day when you opened your front door.”
I chew on the inside of my cheek as I look down. “Thank you. You’re not so bad-looking yourself,” I add.
I glance over at Kai, a small smile tugging at my lips. “And honestly? I like the attention. I like being admired, being wanted. Not in a way that threatens my relationship with Julian, but in a way that enhances it. Seeing the way Julian watches me with someone else, the way his eyes darken, that possessiveness he can barely contain… it drives me wild.”
Kai shifts on his feet, dragging his thumb along the edge of his jeans pocket. “Yeah. I get that.” But his voice is softer, a little distant, like he’s turning the words over in his head and not quite sure what to do with them.
“But?” I press gently, leaning against the wall.
His eyes flick to mine, and for a second, I catch a flash of hesitation, something guarded beneath his usual calm. “No, it’s nothing,” he says, looking away quickly.
I don’t press him.
“It’s not just about the sex, you know,” I continue. “It’s about being seen, feeling alive in that moment.”
Kai exhales softly, nodding as if he wants to believe it—needs to. “I understand. You feel alive here, and you didn’t in London.”
“Exactly. Here, there’s no stuffy parties or boring afternoon teas with the wives of the aristocracy. Julian and I couldn’t do anything without ending up on page six of the tabloids. But here? No one knows or cares who we are.”
Kai nods, but he stays quiet.
While Snickers eats more of the treats I feed her, I run my hands over her back again. Her soft, light-gray hair gleams under the dim barn lights. She nudges me with her nose a few times, probably looking for more treats.
Kai is quiet, but he watches me with something that makes my nerves thrum with anticipation.
When she’s finished eating, I stroke her neck gently—just the way she likes it. “Good night, girl,” I murmur, adjusting the blanket over her back before shutting the stall door. Snickers lets out a soft snort, and I hear her settling into the hay. The quiet rustling tells me that she’s content for the night.
Kai follows me out as I flip off the barn light, the darkness swallowing us as I step outside, the scent of fresh hay permeating the cool, night air.
Crossing my arms, I look up at Kai as we slowly walk back.
He’s quiet as we meander down the lit pathway. Taking a deep breath, I break the silence, though something intuitive and unsettling coils low in my belly, like I almost don’t want to know.
“A penny for your thoughts?”
He hesitates, placing his hands into his pockets. “I’ve just been thinking about all of this. You and Julian. The whole dynamic.”
I nod as nervous butterflies flit through my stomach. “What about it?”
He shrugs, his steps slowing. “It’s a lot to process. Don’t get me wrong,” he says quickly. “I knew what I was getting into, but actually experiencing it?” He shrugs. “That’s different.”
I look up at him, studying his vulnerable expression. He’s usually so stoic and calm. Seeing him like this only enhances those nervous butterflies.
“What do you mean?” I ask softly.
Kai huffs a quiet laugh. “Listen, Sophie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be here. With you… and with Julian. But sometimes…” He trails off, shaking his head. “Sometimes I feel like I’m standing on the outside looking in.”
His words make my chest ache, and I stop walking, turning to face him. “Kai, you’re in this. With us. Not an outsider.”
He looks at me, his eyes searching mine. “Aren’t I? You and Julian have this whole history together. You’ve built a life, routines, traditions. I’m trying to fit into something that’s already so solid.”
“We’re trying to make room for you,” I say earnestly. “It’s not just Julian and me anymore. You’re a part of this. I hope you know that.”
Kai’s lips press into a thin line, and he glances away. “I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”
“Try,” I urge, my voice sharper than I intend.
He sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I guess it doesn’t always feel like I’m a part of whatever this is. But maybe it’s my own insecurity.” He looks at me, and his expression is so defeated that it feels like my heart cracks in half. “Forget I said anything, all right?”
I swallow, the warmth from earlier still lingering on my skin, but now it feels distant, like a fading echo. I nod once, and we resume our walk in silence.
It’s hard to reconcile this version of Kai with the one I had beneath me just an hour ago. Back at the club, he was there—present in a way that felt unshakable. His body melted against mine, every touch pulling him deeper, every sound unraveling him until it felt like nothing else existed outside of us.
But the more I think about it, the more I remember the moments I brushed aside.
The way his hands hesitated on my hips, lingering without the same surety as before. The flicker of doubt that crossed his face. The way he’d pulled away slightly, his body stiffening just when I thought he was fully lost to the pleasure between us.
I hadn’t really paid attention then, too caught up in the moment. I thought maybe he was overwhelmed—too much sensation, too quickly. But now, as we walk side by side, his steps heavier and slower, it feels like something else.
It feels like he’s retreating.
Like he’s already halfway out the door in his mind, second-guessing every part of himself that he let us see.
I replay Julian’s words in my head, the offhand comment about watching me with another man. The way Kai’s eyes had faltered, something dark and uncertain flashing behind them before he buried it beneath a kiss.
I hadn’t thought anything of it then. But maybe I should have.
Maybe this isn’t just about tonight. Maybe this is about what happens after.
I don’t reach for him, even though I want to. Even though it feels like I should.
Because something tells me he needs to sit on it for a minute. And maybe, just maybe, he needs to see that we aren’t going anywhere.
We reach the house two minutes later, and the warm light spilling from the windows contrasts with the tension hanging between us. Inside, Julian is sitting on the bottom of the stairs, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a book in the other. He looks up as we walk in, a smile spreading across his face.
“Hey, you two. The pasta is done. How’s Snickers?”
“Good,” I reply, unsure if I should sit down next to him or stay next to Kai. My tone is clipped, though. Julian picks up on it immediately, setting his glass down.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his brows knitting together.
Kai leans against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. “Nothing. Just… talking.”
Julian looks between us, his frown deepening. “Okay. Talking about what?”
I look over at Kai, and he shrugs. I can’t read him right now, but I do know that open communication is the best way forward.
“Go on,” I urge, ensuring my voice stays soft and inviting. “Tell him what you told me. We can’t fix this if we don’t know what’s wrong.”
Kai lets out a slow breath, his eyes fixed on Julian now. “We were just talking about how this works. Or doesn’t work. For me.”
My hands start to sweat, a quiet panic settling in the pit of my stomach. This feels like he’s breaking up with us.
Julian straightens, his posture sharpening like he’s bracing for impact. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… it feels like I’m just tagging along half the time,” Kai says, his tone honest and calm. “You two are married. You make decisions, talk about things as a unit, and I’m just… there. Like a guest.”
Julian’s frown deepens. “That’s not what we want, Kai. You’re not a guest.”
Kai’s lips press into a thin line as he shrugs. “Maybe not intentionally. But it’s hard not to feel like I’m always playing catch-up. Sophie loves being a hotwife, and you support her. I love that for you guys, it’s something you’ve built together. And I get it, I really do. But it’s just another thing that makes me feel like the odd one out.”
He pauses, his fingers tapping idly against his thigh before his eyes flick between us. “I guess what I’m saying is… are you sure I’m not just your unicorn?”
The room goes still, the weight of his words settling heavily between us.
Being in the lifestyle, I’m familiar with the term. I know what it means, but I’ve never associated Kai with being a unicorn—someone we were seeking out to use then discard.
I never intended to fall for him. And I know Julian didn’t, either. It all just sort of… happened.
“What?” Julian asks, his voice quieter now, cautious.
Kai exhales slowly, rubbing the back of his neck. “At the club tonight… there was a moment. When you said something about how much you love watching Sophie with another man. And you two just—looked at each other. Like you were the only ones in the room.”
I open my mouth to argue, but Kai’s gaze pins me in place. “I know what that was. I wasn’t part of it.” Kai shrugs again, but there’s no humor in it. “I mean, let’s be honest. I’m the new, exciting thing. I fit into your dynamic now, but that’s easy when I’m not asking for more. I’m here for the sex, for the fun—right? But if that’s all this is, tell me now.”
My heart twists painfully as I watch him stand there, vulnerable and guarded all at once.
“Because if that’s the case,” Kai continues, forcing out a dry laugh, “adding more guys into the mix down the road… I don’t know. It just makes me feel even more like an outsider.”
Julian shakes his head immediately, stepping forward. “Kai, that’s not?—”
“I know it’s not on purpose,” Kai cuts in, his voice softening just slightly. “But I can’t help how it feels.”
I catch Julian’s eye, and for a moment, there’s nothing but silence between the three of us. Then Julian reaches out, curling his hand around Kai’s wrist, grounding him.
“Kai, this isn’t about you fitting into something we already had. We’re building something new with you. And maybe we can discuss Sophie being a hotwife. Together. The three of us. ”
Kai’s lips press into a thin line, and he looks down for a moment before meeting Julian’s eyes again. “I understand. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not… I… I can’t see myself being okay with it. With her sleeping with other men.”
My heart twists at his words, and I take a step closer to him, my voice soft. “Kai, are you saying you want me to stop?”
He shakes his head quickly, running a hand through his hair. “I’m not asking you to change who you are. I know how much it means to you. The confidence it gives you, the way it makes you feel alive. The way it makes you feel free. I wouldn’t want to take that from you.”
Free.
Just like I told him earlier.
Julian frowns. “Then what are you saying?”
Kai takes a deep breath, his shoulders stiff. “I’m saying I don’t think I can do this if it keeps going the way it has. I thought maybe I’d adjust, that I could learn to be okay with it. But I want… something different. Something exclusive. This isn’t just fun for me anymore,” he adds.
I blink, thrown off. “You mean… a closed relationship?”
Kai nods, his voice quieter now. “Yeah. Just the three of us. No one else.”
The room falls silent, and I glance at Julian, whose expression is unreadable. My mind races as I try to process what Kai is asking.
“Kai,” I say carefully, “you know that being a hotwife was a big part of my life. I’m still trying to figure out what it means to me now, but… I don’t know if I’m ready to give it up completely. And Julian…” I trail off, unsure how to finish the thought.
Julian picks up where I leave off, his tone thoughtful. “We’ve always been open, Kai. That’s been our foundation. But I never want you to feel like you’re less important or like your feelings don’t matter. This is something we have to figure out together.”
Kai’s jaw tightens, and he looks away. “I just don’t know if I can wait while you figure it out. It’s already hard, because I’m…” He trails a hand through his hair and looks away. “I don’t know. I’m just confused. Plus, knowing Julian would probably want to keep going, even if I don’t… I know he loves it, so it feels unfair to ask him to stop, too.”
“That’s not fair,” Julian says, standing. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair, his calm slipping just enough for me to notice. His voice drops lower, rougher. “This isn’t about what I want. It’s about what we all need. And if exclusivity is what you need, we should have that conversation.”
Kai shakes his head, a small, tired smile tugging at his lips. “I’m not sure talking is enough. It’s not just about boundaries, it’s about whether this can actually work for me. I don’t want to be… used. I think I jumped into all of this too soon.”
Julian’s face pinches with hurt, and I feel a pang of guilt. I attempt to reach out toward him, but he steps back, his expression conflicted. His words feel like a punch to the chest, and I feel the instinct to defend myself, but the ache in his voice keeps me silent.
Julian shifts, his hand flexing at his side like he wants to step in, and Kai notices.
“I need some space,” Kai says, his voice quiet. “Just for a little while.”
“Kai, wait,” I start, but he cuts me off gently.
“I’ll see you guys later,” he says, turning toward the door.
Kai’s hand lingers on the doorknob, and for a second, I think he might turn around. But he doesn’t.
The door closes softly behind him, but the echo feels louder than it should.