Chapter 6
6
‘A cruise?’ Jono asks dubiously when I tell him about it the next morning. ‘I don’t want to rain on your parade, Ruby, but that sounds like ten days cooped up with generation zimmer. Wouldn’t you rather spend the time lying on a beach somewhere, with a delicious barman serving you exotic cocktails?’
‘That sounds more like your fantasy,’ I reply. ‘Although I’m prepared to admit it’s not a bad one.’
‘I’d love it, you’re right, but Robbie isn’t really one for lying around in the sun, as you know. He prefers those retreat places where you go to drink kale smoothies and realign your chakras. I love him to bits, but I don’t think we’ll ever agree on holidays. Anyway, this isn’t about me, it’s about you. Explain the cruise idea to me, because I’m not getting it.’
‘Neither did I to begin with,’ I admit. ‘But I’m being open minded. Hopefully it won’t be “generation zimmer” as you put it because, according to Sam, who got it from her cruise expert colleague at work, Scandia Cruises attract a younger demographic than the traditional cruise market.’
He laughs. ‘Just one foot in the grave instead of both then. I’ve never heard of Scandia. Who are they?’
‘I’ll show you. Hang on.’ I launch the browser on the shop computer and bring up the Scandia Cruises website, scrolling down until I reach the promotional text. ‘Look,’ I tell him.
He positions himself in front of the screen and twiddles his moustache thoughtfully as he begins to read aloud.
‘ Leave the world behind you with Scandia Cruises. Our state-of-the-art fleet is among the youngest currently in service, and our ships have been specifically designed to make life on board as comfortable for our guests as possible. So far, so sales flannelly. Where’s the nitty gritty? I want to see the cabins. Ah, here we go. Our inboard Club Class cabins may be our entry-level accommodation, but there’s nothing basic about them. Boasting a generous and class-leading 250 square feet, they include ample storage space, a luxurious bathroom and full set of amenities. You won’t even miss that outside view, as it’s available on your wall-mounted TV screen. Upgrade to Captain Class, and you’ll have all this plus a choice of porthole or oceanview window (supplement applies) .’ He studies the pictures. ‘They both look pretty poky, if you ask me. What are you?’
‘Commodore Class.’
He looks back at the screen, scrolls down a little and continues to read. ‘ In our luxurious Commodore Class cabins you will not only enjoy unparalleled views from your own private veranda, but you will also have exclusive access to the Commodore Class dining room (supplement applies). If you’re travelling with a family, our Commodore Class suites give you even more space, with a separate sitting area and a PlayStation with a selection of games (supplement applies). I’ll admit that these cabins look nice, but is there anything that doesn’t come with a supplement?’
‘From the way Sam explained it, the basics are all included but you pay for the luxuries. So there’s an all-day buffet restaurant, where you can eat as much as you like and not pay a penny, but if you want a massage or to go to one of the à la carte restaurants, for example, all of that is extra.’
‘Could get pricey. What about booze?’
‘Extra, but Sam says we get some credit thrown in because of our cabin class, so hopefully we won’t have to pay any more if we’re careful.’
‘Sod that! If I’m going on holiday, the last thing I want is to have my drinks rationed.’
‘They aren’t rationed, and you could buy a drinks package which gives you a certain amount included every day, but Sam says that’s not very good value for money and, as neither of us are heavy drinkers, we’re going to see how far our credit will stretch. According to her colleague, you can land up with a bill of thousands if you overdo it.’
‘You’re really not selling it, Ruby,’ Jono tells me.
‘That’s because we’ve already established that your idea of a good time is lying by the beach with a funnel in your mouth for them to pour the free booze into.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’
‘Nothing, but this is a different type of holiday, don’t you see? Yes, a week on the beach is nice, but this is more about culture. Look at all the places we’re going to stop, and we’ve got the whole day to explore each one. Then, once we’re all cultured out, we can relax by the pool or on our private verandas until dinner. The ship sails to the next port while we’re asleep, and we wake up ready to explore a new place. I’ll admit that I wasn’t that impressed when Sam first told me about it, but the idea has definitely grown on me.’
‘Hm. That does sound a bit more promising. I still worry you’re going to be surrounded by old people though. Did you know, there are people who live on cruise ships because they’re actually cheaper than care homes?’
‘Scandia Cruises is aimed at the thirty-to-fifty age bracket. I read that somewhere on the website.’
‘They say that because it makes them seem young and cool, but you’re still two years below the bottom of the target demographic, and I reckon most of the passengers will be at least ten years older than the top.’
‘Does it matter?’ I ask a little crossly. ‘They could all be a hundred and three, and I’m sure Sam and I would still manage to have a good time. You know, rather than picking holes in it, you could just say, “Have a lovely holiday.”’
‘Sorry.’ He does look genuinely contrite and I can feel my irritation melting away.
‘Look. I know it’s unusual, but Sam can’t really do your type of holiday because she’d burn to a crisp in the first five minutes, and lots of people rave about cruises. It’ll be an experience, if nothing else.’
‘I guess so. What about Fleabag over there, who’s going to look after him?’
‘If you mean Samson, the handsomest cat in Margate, the answer is my sister, Em. She’s also offered to help in the shop if you want so you’re not on your own.’
‘Absolutely. I love your sister. She’s like you only, you know, funnier.’
‘Thanks a lot!’
‘Relax, I’m winding you up.’
‘You haven’t done anything else so far today. Be nice to her, though, OK? I’m not sure she’s having a great time at the moment.’
‘Oh, why?’
‘Living with Mum and Dad, long-distance relationship, not sure what she’s going to do for a job, all the usual graduate angst.’
‘Don’t you worry. I’ll take good care of her.’
* * *
‘What on earth possessed you to book a cruise?’ Dad looks concerned. ‘I only hope you have better luck than us.’ He turns to Mum. ‘Do you remember that time we went to Santander, Margot? The whole ship reeked of diesel and chip fat, and I spent the entire night throwing up because it was so rough in the Bay of Biscay.’
‘That was a ferry, Dad, and you had an inside cabin. Cruise ships are very different,’ I explain. I’m starting to get a bit fed up with this. Can’t anyone just be happy for me?
‘Hmm. If you say so, love.’ Dad’s face is still dubious.
‘I think it sounds rather nice,’ Mum says, studying the itinerary I’ve printed off to show them. ‘I’d love to go to Barcelona and see the Sagrada Família, but your father’s always refused to take me.’
‘That’s because we’d be robbed blind before we even got within sight of it,’ Dad counters. ‘That whole area is notorious for pickpockets. I’d stay on the ship for that one, Ruby, if I were you. Same for Sicily. Everyone knows that’s a Mafia stronghold. I haven’t raised you to be fish food.’
‘You’re being a bit overdramatic, Dad,’ I tell him. ‘I think you have to have royally pissed off the Mafiosi before they come after you.’
‘Yes, but you never know what they might take offence at, do you? You could be in a coffee shop sipping on an espresso and remark innocently that it’s a bit weak. Unknown to you, the coffee shop is owned by Don Gangsteroni’s grandmother, and before you know it, you’re in his cellar having bits of you chopped off.’
Our conversation is interrupted by the arrival of Em.
‘What have I missed?’ she asks.
‘Dad was just telling me how I’m going to be chopped up and fed to the fish if I get off the cruise ship in Sicily.’
Em says nothing, but her eyes light up with mischief.
‘What?’ I ask her.
‘I was just wondering if that would necessarily be a bad thing,’ she says with a grin. ‘I mean, I’d miss you, but doesn’t everything of yours, including your flat, come to me if you die? Plus, I wouldn’t have to share my inheritance from Mum and Dad with you, so I’d be quids in.’
‘Don’t be inappropriate, Emerald,’ Mum scolds her. ‘You’d be devastated if anything happened to your sister and you know it.’
Em rolls her eyes. ‘I was joking, Mum. Who’s going to chop you up, Ruby?’
‘The Mafia, according to Dad. I’m going to upset them by being rude about the coffee.’
‘I’d ignore him,’ she confides. ‘He’s been watching another one of those crime syndicate series on Netflix, and he’s convinced it’s all real. You know what he’s like. This is why we don’t let him watch Snow White . Can you imagine the trouble we’d have unravelling that? He’d be on to the police to report the Queen for attempted murder.’
‘I am here, Emerald,’ Dad says crossly. ‘And I don’t think you’ll find that I have any difficulty separating fact from fiction, thank you. And, while I’m thinking about it, don’t be so sure there’s going to be an inheritance. Your mother and I might spend all our money on cruises, like Ruby.’
‘I’m going on one cruise!’
‘So you say,’ Em says. She’s evidently realised she’s pushed Dad as far as she can so now she’s turning her attention to me. ‘Maybe cruising is addictive, like gambling. You’ll do one, and before you know what’s happened, you’ll be cruising every year, with a different leathery lothario hanging off your arm each time.’
‘Where did the leathery lothario come from?’ I ask with a laugh. Unlike Mum and Dad, I can take Em’s humour without getting upset.
‘Every cruise has them. Predatory older men zoning in on vulnerable single women, flattering them and making them feel special, before disappearing over the horizon with their life savings.’
‘Never mind Dad and his Netflix, you’ve been reading too many gossip magazines,’ I tell her. ‘And they’re going to have slim pickings where I’m concerned. I don’t exactly have a huge pot of life savings.’
‘Watch out for them all the same,’ Mum cautions solemnly. ‘I’d hate for you to be a victim of some unscrupulous older man. I think you sometimes forget what an attractive woman you are, Ruby, and they’ll be circling like vultures. You and Sam need to stick close together. Are you sharing a cabin?’
‘No. We’re not teenagers, Mum. Everyone gets their own cabin.’
‘Shame. I’d feel better knowing that she was there with you.’
‘What exactly do you think is going to happen? The way you’re going on, it sounds like we’re going to be plunged into some sort of zombie apocalypse, where the men take one look at Sam and me, go into a trance, and we’ll be hiding under our beds while they try to break the door down to get to us. I think that’s unlikely, don’t you?’
‘Just be careful, that’s all.’
‘Have you thought about disease?’ Dad pipes up.
‘I’m sorry, what?’
‘Cruise ships are always on the news for an outbreak of something nasty. Salmonella, or Legionnaires’ disease. They were one of the first Covid strongholds, don’t you remember?’
‘He’s got a point, Ruby,’ Mum adds. ‘Stay away from fresh fruit and salads, and only drink bottled water.’
‘We’re cruising the Med, not the Nile!’ I’m exasperated now. It would be nice if someone, apart from Sam, would show even a modicum of enthusiasm for this holiday. I’m going to prove them all wrong, I decide. We’re going to go on this cruise, Sam and I are going to have a fabulous time, and they’re all going to be sorry they were so negative.