3. Ethan
3
ETHAN
T hree weeks since I’d seen or talked to Nikki. Three weeks since my life has changed forever. According to the doctors, I’m healing. The skin grafts they were able to perform look like they’re going to be successful, but there’s still a lot of my body with marred skin. It’s not pretty, and I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror.
I’ve tried to keep my spirits up, but it’s damn near impossible. The life I was going to have is now a distant memory. Nothing will ever be the same.
And I know that today it’s only going to get worse.
My father talked to me last night about Nicole. She’s come to the hospital every day and sat in the lobby, waiting for me to ask for her. I’ve almost done exactly that, but that was in my lowest times when I was close to giving up hope. Only when I convinced myself that bringing her into this would destroy her did I find the courage to leave her alone.
But it seems she’s had enough. She told my father that she’s seeing me today regardless. She said if the hospital wants to use bodily force to remove her they can do it, but she’s coming back every day until I see her.
The thought of any man putting their hands on her had me agree with my father that I would see her today. And it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. Harder than jumping into a burning building to save a young boy. Harder than burying my mother when I was just a little boy. Today, I’m going to have to force the love of my life, the woman I know I’ll love forever, out of my life.
There’s a tentative knock on the door, and Nikki walks in. She looks even more beautiful than I remember, and even though she looks exhausted, she’s like a breath of fresh air.
“Ethan.”
Her voice is like a whisper, and she all but tiptoes across the room to me. She reaches for me, but I pull back. Even though I’m overcome with emotion, I try to keep myself in check. “Nicole.”
Her eyes widen when I say her full name instead of Nikki. “How are you? Are you doing okay?”
I steel my voice. “How do you think I’m doing?”
She rears back, no doubt surprised by the harsh tone of my voice. I’ve never talked to her this way, but I know it needs to be done.
She’s searching my eyes, and I look away. I made sure the nurses covered most of the injured side of my face. There’s no reason she needs to see how bad it is. Hell, I can barely look at myself in the mirror. I don’t want to put her through it.
“Ethan, talk to me.”
I clench my eyes shut and shake my head. I know what I need to do, I just don’t want to do it. But when I look at her, she’s perfection. My opposite in every way. She deserves more than being tied to me. Not with me like this.
I lift my head and jut my chin at her. She wipes a tear from her cheek, and I know she thought this reunion would go another way. Fuck, I wish it could have.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think while I’ve been in here, Nicole, and it puts things in perspective. It makes a person realize what they want out of life and what they don’t.”
I stop because I want to vomit over the words that I know I need to say. The only way she’ll walk away from me now is if I hurt her. Otherwise, she’d stay with me forever. She’d live to regret it and resent me, and that’s the last thing I want for her. So even though I don’t want to hurt her, I know I need to.
She has her hand on the side of the bed. Her engagement ring is still sitting pretty on her finger, and just seeing it there is a kick in the gut because it represents everything I had with her and what is no longer mine.
“What are you saying, Ethan?”
Finally, I lift my eyes to hers. “I’m saying that this thing between us is over. I need to focus on me and get better.”
She grips the railing. “And you think I’d stop that from happening? I want the same thing, Ethan. All I want is for you to be okay?—”
I interrupt her and raise my voice. “Don’t you get it? I’ll never be okay, but that’s not the point. I don’t want to marry you, Nicole.”
I thought I could do it, but when pain slices across her face, I look away and force myself to continue. “I want to work on getting better. I’m not ready to settle down with one woman. If nothing else, this has taught me that I need to live each day to the fullest... and I can’t do that with you.”
The tears are rolling freely down her face now, and she’s wiping them as fast as they come. “I don’t understand.”
Fuck, I hate myself right now. I turn my head and look directly at her. “I don’t want you here, Nicole. Leave.”
She stares back at me, stunned, before turning and running out of the room. As soon as the door shuts behind her, I start to cry. I haven’t let myself before now, but there’s no holding it back.
And when my older brother walks into the room, I don’t even try to hide the fact I’ve been crying. He’s shaking his head at me, and I know he’s going to let me hear it. “Did you really have to do that? She loves you, Ethan.”
I take a deep breath and level him with a stare. “Yeah, and I love her.”
He throws one hand up in the air. “And so what? You push her away? Hurt her?”
There’s a pain shooting in my chest, and if I didn’t already know it’s from my heart breaking in two, I’d swear I was having a heart attack. “She deserves more than me and what I can give her.”
Bobby’s face reflects exactly how I feel. “Are you telling me that there’s another man out there that can love her as much as you do? I’ve seen you two together, Ethan. You were happy, in love, fuck, y’all are soul mates. Don’t do this... not like this.”
I lean my head back on the pillow. “It’s done, Bobby. She’s free. She deserves the life she wants.”
Bobby must hit the end of the bed because it shakes under me. “You fucking idiot. She wants you.”
I clench my eyes at the thought. “She’ll find someone else.”
Bobby starts to speak, but I hold my hand up. “Let me rest. I need to focus on getting out of here.”
The next sound I hear is the door shutting behind him.
I know I’ll probably regret this... fuck, I already do. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is what’s best for Nikki. She may not realize it now, but later she’ll be happy and relieved that this happened this way. She’ll be able to get married to a man that doesn’t look like a monster. She’ll have babies that aren’t afraid of the way their own father looks. She’ll have it all... without me.