Hope’s Highest Bidders

8. Nikki

8

NIKKI

I don’t know what I expected, but it isn’t this. Before, we were never able to keep our hands off one another, and now it seems like he doesn’t know how to act with me. I know I make him uncomfortable. He keeps hiding his face from me as if I care about the scars. He doesn’t understand that I don’t even see them. All I see is the man that still owns my heart.

“You care if I borrow your tub?”

He practically chokes as he nods his head. “Yeah, uh, sure. Go ahead.”

I stand here patiently and wait for him to point me in the right direction. His gaze is tracking up and down my body, and when he shifts his stance, I see the bulge in his jeans. I try to hide my smile. “Where is it?”

The snaps him out of it, and he shakes his head as he wheels my luggage past me. “Sorry. I mean, I should at least give you the tour of the house. Living room and kitchen.” He points at the open area around us. He walks down a hall and shuts the first door he comes to. “My office is in there, but it’s a mess.” He walks farther down the hall. “Bathroom and bedroom.”

I look into the bedroom and see the massive bed sitting in the middle of the room. He looks at it and back at me. “There’s only one bed, but I can sleep...”

I cut him off. “It’s fine. We only need one bed. We’re married, Ethan, and there’s nothing holding us back now.”

He swallows, and real fear comes over his face, but that doesn’t stop me from asking him, “Do you want to shower with me?”

He backs out of the room. “Uh, no, I’m going to go work in the office or something.”

Before I can stop him, he’s walking down the hallway, but he doesn’t stop at his office. He goes straight outside and slams the door behind him.

I bite my lip, wondering if we’re ever going to be okay. I thought this was something he would want and that if I pushed him just a little, he’d realize it. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe all I’m doing is making it worse.

I open my bags and don’t bother to unpack. Hell, for all I know, he may be having me leave before the night’s out.

I pull my hair up in a bun on top of my head and jump in the shower. I wash all the makeup and baby oil off my skin. When I’m done, I listen for any noise in the house, but there is none. I dress quickly and make my way down the hall to his office. I knock on the big door, but when I don’t hear anything, my curiosity is piqued, and I gently open it.

When I walk in and see my face on the wall, I open the door even farther and walk into the room. My hand goes to my heart when I see the number of pictures of me on every wall in the room. Some of them are from before, of Ethan and me when we were together. I can’t help but smile looking at them because we both look so happy and in love. I move on, looking at the other pictures and the ones of just me without Ethan. I’m in awe of them and wondering how he got them. There are some from just a week ago.

“Hey.”

I spin around when I hear Ethan’s voice. I was so caught up in the pictures, I didn’t even hear him come in. I hold my hand up, gesturing to the wall. “Why... I mean how did you get these?”

He crosses his arms over his chest and shrugs. “I couldn’t completely let you go.”

I shake my head, not understanding. “So what? You take these pictures and hang them on the wall like some kind of shrine to me or something?”

His jaw tightens, but he doesn’t answer. That’s not going to cut it for me. I grab two pictures off the wall and hold them out to him. “Look at these, Ethan. Really look at them.”

He’s looking at the picture I grabbed of the two of us. “I have.”

I shake the frames at him. “No, look at me in this one with you... and then look at the one without you. Hell, you have a whole wall of them. Look at me since you pushed me away. Can you see the difference?”

He blinks, but he doesn’t seem surprised at what I’m saying. He pushes his hand through his hair and sighs. “I know.”

I rear back. “You know? So you can see what you pushing me away did to me? And what? You liked seeing me like this? Did this get you off, knowing I was miserable without you?”

He shakes his head. “No, of course not.”

I toss the frames onto the desk, and they clatter against each other. “Then what is it, Ethan? Because I don’t understand.”

He leans his head back and blows out a breath before looking at me. His gaze is intense, and there’s so much sorrow in it I can feel the pain shooting in my chest. He grabs the hem of his shirt up and off his body. He drops the Henley-style shirt to the ground before reaching into his pocket. He pulls his hair back and wraps a tie around his hair, and for the first time, I can see the damaged skin of his arm, neck, and face.

I take a step toward him with a hand held up. “Ethan...”

He takes a step back. “No, I need to get this out, Nikki.”

I stop in my tracks, trying to hide the hurt of his refusal. I don’t know why it hurts. I should be used to it by now.

He looks me in the eye. “I don’t like seeing you sad. This last year has been hell for the both of us. At first, I convinced myself that I was imagining the sadness in you. I kept thinking that if I gave you long enough, you’d move on and you’d be happy... without me.”

I bring my hand up to my chest, right over my heart. “Is that what you want? You want me to move on?”

He takes a step forward, and I hold completely still, hoping not to cause him to draw back. “I want you happy.”

“You fool. You make me happy.”

He flips on the light in the office. It wasn’t dark in here in the first place, and I could see him plainly, but I guess he wants to make sure I get a good look. “Look at me. You want to go to sleep with this next to you each night? You want to wake up to this? Fuck, Nikki, you want me to be a dad to your kids?” He’s spitting out the words in disgust. “Hell, I’ll probably scare them to death.”

I take my time and search his face. It’s obvious what he wants me to do. He thinks I’m going to be repulsed by it, but all I can manage is a deep mourning for everything he’s given up this last year because he thought I couldn’t look past it. He thinks it’s horrific, but it’s not. Yes, he looks different, but he’s still the same man I fell in love with.

I take a step forward and put my hand on the marred skin of his arm. My touch is feather light. “Can I ask you something, Ethan?”

He grits his teeth. “Yes.”

I look up at him, wanting to know the truth. “If it was me...”

He shakes his head and grabs on to my forearms. “Don’t say it, Nikki. Don’t even finish that sentence.”

I put my hands at his waist. “No, hear me out. If it was me that was hurt, and I had scars, would you not want to be with me anymore?”

He reaches his hand up and brushes it across my cheek. “You know I would want to be with you. I’d want to take care of you. It doesn’t matter to me what you look like.”

I look down at my body and back at him. “Really? I’ve gained over thirty pounds since you ended our engagement. I’ve been called chubby, fat ass, all of it. Does the way my body’s changed make you feel different about me?”

“You’re beautiful to me, Nikki.”

I nod. “And you’re beautiful to me, Ethan. I know you wanted me to look at you, and maybe you thought I’d run out of here, but I didn’t and I won’t. I love you just the way you are. I know you. I know how you make me feel, and I know that you’re going to be a great dad. None of that has changed.”

He leans his forehead against mine. “Fuck, I love you, Nikki.”

I gasp and lean forward, pressing my lips to his. The reunion of our lips together has tears pouring down my face, but I don’t dare stop. I lean in and press my body to his. His hands trail down my body, and he picks me up at the waist. My legs go around him, and he walks out of the room, down the hall to his bedroom.

I push my hips against him, wanting more... wanting everything.