8. Chase
Chase
I think it’s the laughter that wakes me.
It’s definitely the laughter that puts a smile on my face.
The twins are downstairs giggling, and I can hear the murmur of a feminine voice. I picture Mom teasing the girls like she always does early in the morning.
For once the girls are up before I need to head to the rink. I can’t remember the last time that happened.
Although I do recall the shit they give me for not beating them out of bed and my smile grows. My sisters might be a pain in the ass most of the time, but I love them. I’ll miss them when I go to college.
Smiling, I keep my eyes closed and roll over to listen. I’ll get up in a minute, get my bag and head to practice.
Stretching my arms above my head and my feet toward the end of the bed, I wait for my muscles to settle into the pull. I’m aching more than normal this morning. I’ll need to make sure I warm up properly before I hit the ice today.
Opening my eyes I’m met with darkness. And it’s not the early morning darkness I’m used to seeing when I roll out of bed. Glancing at the window I see someone has lowered the blind.
I never lower it. It’s the thing me and Mom argue about most. I hate it down.
The low rumble of voices catches my attention again, the twins and Mom…
I frown.
It doesn’t sound like Mom. There’s an accent I can’t place.
Confused, I push up and look for my phone, but my eyes snag on a shelf holding a tower of pucks.
Images and words from the last few months slam into my head, memories flickering rapidly. Memories I don’t want to have lived through, never mind think about.
“Fuck!”
I dive out of bed and race for the door. Now that my sleep-fogged brain is remembering the last few months—this morning—I tear through the house for the second time today.
It has to be after nine. I slept the whole afternoon away and left Natalie to take care of Candace.
The twins too.
They would have been home hours ago.
I don’t understand why no one woke me, but I know I need to get my ass downstairs and do my job.
Look after my sisters.
When I barrel through the living room on my way to the kitchen I don’t see the four females on the floor. I’m focused on one thing and one thing only.
Getting to my sisters.
“Chase?”
Skidding to a stop, I wrap my hand around the doorway into the kitchen in a last second attempt to slow my trajectory.
It works.
Sort of.
Almost face planting into the wall in the kitchen snaps my brain into focus more than it has been in the last few seconds.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter as I rest my forehead on the wall, aware enough to remember not to swear in front of the girls.
“Chase? Are you okay?” Natalie’s voice floats into the room. “Girls, can you watch Candace for a second while I check on your brother?”
“Sure,” Cass and Stell chorus.
Pushing away from the wall, I shake my head to clear it. The last thing I want is for Natalie to find me looking confused. She’ll wonder if I’m capable of taking care of my sisters.
Fuck . She’s probably already questioning it.
“Chase?”
I turn to find her next to me. “Yeah. I’m good. Got a fright when I woke up and realized the time.” I scrub a hand through my hair and yank on the ends.
“I let you sleep because you obviously needed it, but I should have let the girls wake you when they got home.”
“They wanted to?” A grin tugs at my mouth. “Of course they did. Let me guess. They wanted to dump a bucket of ice water on my head.”
Natalie smiles. “That was mentioned. I let them check in on you and that reassured them enough to let you sleep.” She tips her chin toward the oven. “There’s a plate of grilled chicken in the oven and salad in the fridge. We ate about an hour ago. We were just playing with Candace before I put her down for the night.”
I snort. “Good luck with that.”
“I didn’t mean all night. I know babies her age don’t sleep through yet.”
“She hasn’t slept longer than a couple of hours at a time yet. And like I said earlier, she’s more awake at night and trying to switch that around isn’t working so well.”
“She might just be a night owl. Some babies are.”
“You know a lot about babies?”
“Not really. But I’ve got friends who do. I made a few calls and when Cassidy and Crystal got home, I talked to them about what your routine is.”
“I suppose they told you we don’t have one because I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“No. The opposite.”
I frown at her words. “They did?”
“Yes.” She glances over her shoulder then urges me further into the kitchen. “Come on, I’ll make you a plate of chicken and salad and tell you what they said.”
“This I have to hear.” Parking my butt on a stool in front of the island I let this woman serve me. “ Shit . You’re in my home and I’m expecting you to wait on me,” I say with disgust as I bury my face in my hands.
“No, you’re not. You’re letting someone help you for a little while. We had this conversation already.”
I look up, find her gaze, and hope she can see the genuine appreciation I have for her. “Thank you. It’s not enough but thank you.”
“You can thank me by hearing what I have to say when the girls are settled for the night.”
“You mean the contract offer?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t even?—”
“You can and you will. It’s what I’m asking for in exchange for my help today.”
She’s using her no-nonsense voice again, has that steely don’t-argue-with-me look in her eyes too. “Okay. Fine. But don’t be surprised when I turn you down.”
Folding her arms over her chest, she shoots me a smirk. “We’ll see.”
I don’t know this woman, but I’m not an idiot. I think I’ve just challenged her. I’m going to hate disappointing another person, but I can’t in any way see how I could possibly go back to my old world.
“Stop worrying about it and have something to eat. I’ll get the girls ready for bed. When you’re done, come up and say goodnight to them.”
“Wait. Candace needs a bath.”
“She’s had one.”
“I slept through that screaming match?”
In the months since my baby sister was born, I’ve waited for the cops to knock on the door because the neighbors have called about a baby being murdered. There’s no way I slept through that.
“We bathed her down here in the kitchen sink.”
I blink. My gaze darting to the sink and back to Natalie. “You”—I shake my head—“In the sink?”
“Yep. Crystal warned me about bath time so we moved things down here so we wouldn’t disturb you.”
“She cries loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood, moving down here wouldn’t have helped.”
“It did. She didn’t make a peep.”
“Not a peep,” the words whisper through my lips as their meaning solidifies in my head. With a groan, I lower my face to my hands again and say, “I’m really not capable of doing this.”
“It’s not you.” I peek through my fingers at Natalie. “Don’t look at me like that. It isn’t you. It’s the situation. There’s too much tension in all of you. And tension feeds off tension.”
I raise my head. “So what? Because I’m stressed, they’re stressed?”
“In a way, yes.”
“It’s as simple as not stressing about giving a baby a bath?”
“Yes and no. I’m not an expert but I have done a time or two on a therapist’s couch, and you’re all stressed in one form or another. You more so. And that tension escalates and escalates because you aren’t doing anything to fix it.”
“How the hell do I fix it?” I snap. “I can’t bring my parents back!”
Her eyes widen, but other than that she shows no reaction to my raised voice. I want to yell at her. Shout at the ceiling, what, I don’t know, I just have the urge to scream as loud as I can.
And in the next moment I realize the reason for my outburst isn’t her fault. She has nothing to do with the situation I’m in. But I’m angry at her for making it worse with her starting goalie offer.
“Fuck!” I shove off the stool and storm to the back door. When the thing won’t slide open, I slap my hand against the glass three times.
“Here.” A hand reaches around me, flicks the unlock lever, and pulls the door open. “I’ll take care of the girls.”
Fuck! Closing my eyes, I drop my head until my chin hits my chest. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Go outside, get some air. I’ll get the girls ready for bed then we’ll come find you to say goodnight.”
“I can’t keep doing this,” I mutter.
“You won’t. It’s just today. Maybe another day here or there, but you have this, Chase. You’ve had this for months now.”
“It doesn’t feel like I’ve got it.”
“Maybe not, but from where I’m standing, under the circumstances, with what you’ve faced, you do.”
Her vote of confidence does a lot to calm my anger. And the anger isn’t at any one person or thing. It’s the situation. I’m not even angry at the guy who killed Dad.
“Give me five minutes to clear my head outside then I’ll be back to take over putting the girls to bed.”
I don’t wait for her to agree or not. I head through the doorway onto the back deck, down the stairs I helped Dad build last summer, and into the yard.
I’m heading for one of Mom’s favorite spots. I can’t count the number of times I found her sitting on the old chair in the back corner of the yard staring at the house or the sky.
Her thinking chair.
It’s where she sat when she needed to take a moment, think a decision through, or just ponder.
I’d never seen the appeal. But right now, it holds my interest for two reasons.
I need to think about how I’m dealing with everything.
And I need to feel closer to Mom.
Out of everywhere in our home, her thinking chair is where I imagine her most. Not the kitchen, not the living room, not even her bedroom gives me the same sense of closeness.
I’m almost frightened to sit on the chair. If I put my ass in it, will it override Mom’s presence?
There’s so much of her already gone. Every day, my memories fade. Or perhaps I’m too busy to focus on them these days.
I stare at Mom’s chair for a minute. In the end I can’t bring myself to sit in it so I lower myself to the grass in front.
“Mom.” I keep my voice quiet. I don’t want anyone to hear me and think I’m losing my mind. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this like you. Or Dad.”
Blowing out a breath, I look up at the night sky.
“I’ve spent my whole life knowing you were there whenever I needed help or advice and the time I need it the most you aren’t here. I know that isn’t your fault. I’m not blaming you. I know you didn’t want to go.”
I don’t bother holding back the tears. Although after crying on Natalie’s shoulder I’m surprised I have any left.
“I will do my very best to take care of the girls. I’ll make sure they get every opportunity you gave me. I don’t know how. But I’ll do it. For you and Dad. For them. For me.”
Focusing my blurry eyes on her chair, I smile. It’s probably just my mind playing tricks, but I swear I feel her hand cradling my cheek the way she used to.
“I don’t know what’s best for all of us, but I hope you know any decision I make that is different to what you would have done is because things aren’t the same. They’re so different now, Mom.”
Every word is the truth. I have no idea how we’re going to make it without our parents to guide us. I do know neither of them would be happy with me if I didn’t at least hear Natalie out.
They’d be so disappointed to know I’ve turned my back on my dream even if it is to take care of my sisters.
Until this moment I haven’t really thought about what our future would look like. I’ve been surviving, day by day, and it took a stranger, with the offer of a lifetime, to make me think.
Natalie might believe I’m the right goalie for the Rogues, and maybe I am, but until I understand what it means, what taking a position on the team in the NHL looks like for us, I can’t make any decisions.
And we all have to be okay with whatever decision I do make. It isn’t just me it affects. Accepting a contract would mean relocating, and since our parents died, I’ve been determined to keep us in this house.
In our home. My gaze moves to the house.
Except it doesn’t feel like home anymore.
Without Mom and Dad walking the floors, it’s just the place we live.
Candace doesn’t understand what a move would mean but Cass and Stell do. I know they’re only just teenagers, but they still should have a say in how our lives go from now on.
“Mom.” My gaze moves over the back of the house, taking in every window, the back deck with its outdoor seating and barbecue. “The best thing might not be staying here.”
I can’t get the advice I want or need but just saying things out loud, in the spot where she did her own thinking, gives me the strength to make the tough decisions.
It would be so easy to accept a contract with the Rogues, so so easy, but the logistics of signing on with them would mean moving across the country. Putting the twins in a school where they wouldn’t know anyone.
And leaving the only home the four of us have ever had.